We just had a new baby a few months ago and I am breastfeeding and up with her every single night. We have two older kids who just started kindergarten and in the mornings we need to get them up, changed, brush teeth, breakfast, shoes on and off to school. I usually am feeding the baby before they wake up, and then she still wants to eat again sometime in the window of time the kids are preparing to leave for school. I can’t stave her off long enough, she just always wants to eat!

My husband doesn’t want them to take the bus yet so we drive and pick up daily. He has his own business and says he cannot be helping in a full capacity every single morning and start his work day at 9:30am. It is extremely challenging for me to juggle all the kids on my own with the baby needing things throughout the morning too. She is chill to hang in her bjorn bouncer but she will whine to eat again and it’s really hard to feed her and help the girls at the same time. I make them breakfast, make sure their outfits are on, make sure they’ve brushed, and sit with them while they eat. I do an ok job but will need my husband to step in if I am tied up with the baby and then the final push to get them out the door is usually hard (shoes socks, put that down, come on let’s go, etc).

Driving the kids to school is tough with the baby too, she cries and cries and wants to be held. Sometimes she does ok, but a car ride and drop off line with her wailing will be very stressful for all of us. If he stays with the baby and I drop them off he might complain he had to feed her the whole time. If he drives them to school he might complain he’s starting his day too late. Ideally he wants to just wake up, brush his teeth and jump on the computer without lending a hand. His suggestion is to hire a full time nanny that comes at 8am and leaves at 6pm! That cost is like $4500-5000 a month. Once the kids are off to school at 8:30am I am alone with the baby until 3:30pm when they are done, so this nanny will be looking for things to do in the middle of the day. I’m not comfortable with that, nor do I want to spend that kind of money. He just keeps saying “we need someone to help us in the morning” like that’s a totally normal thing. In my mind I’m thinking, you’re their dad, you need to be helping us in the morning dude.

I just don’t know what to do. Every morning he has an attitude because he’s been helping the kids and is tired and stressed he’s not at his computer. He has clients so he can arrange his schedule how he wants to and has to be efficient in meeting deadlines, which I don’t always feel he is great at time management. My thought is that he needs to wake up no later than 7 and start preparing things or check some emails before the kids wake up. Then help me between 7:30-8:30 by hanging with the baby, and could be at his desk. If she needs to eat again then he can give her a bottle. I can try to bring the baby to drop off but if it becomes an issue then he needs to keep her at home while I run out. Does anyone else have this sort of issue? What solutions would you suggest?

Edit: his work day doesn’t usually start at 930, he’s saying helping with the kids delays him until 930. What he wants is to start working by 7:30-8am.

Apparently some parents who don’t vaccinate their children visit the doctor and just lie about their kid being fully vaccinated to avoid being “pushed” to immunize their child. I read this on a crunchy mom group, which I joined due to wanting to learn about “natural living.” On a comment section, one parent complains they don’t have the energy to argue with ignorance therefore it’s easier to say their child is up to date with shots when seeing a medical professional since they don’t check anyways. As someone with an immunocompromised kid, this terrifies me.

EDIT: the school system where I’m from doesn’t currently require us to submit proof of immunizations when we registered for school. As for ER, we’ve never been asked but I also always include shots are up to date when they ask health history

The past two weeks my brother, who’s between jobs, came over everyday to help with the baby while baby recovered from a two-month illness. Bro was so helpful, stepped in naturally, needed no direction, enjoyed every meal I made, and would say it was delicious every time. We had normal, easy conversations. No judgment, no criticism. Just normal.

With my husband, it’s the opposite. He’s smart (an engineer), but acts like an airhead when I ask him questions. Lunch turns into complaints—onions not grilled, veggies he won’t eat, sauce too spicy. No thank you. Just criticism. I’m always responsible for meals, and sometimes I’d rather skip eating than face ungrateful comments or to take on this imposed responsibility .

It’s not just food. Every conversation comes with a negative remark, even when he calls it “just joking.” When I tell him it hurts, I get told I’m too sensitive. I don’t even want to talk to him anymore—I close my door or put on headphones to protect my peace.

I can feel my light dimming, and it makes me sad. I try to open up, but he just rolls his eyes. I told him, you wouldn’t speak to me this way in front of your friends. What hurts most is knowing one day our baby will understand, and I never want them to think this is love. 💔

Looking back, the newborn stage almost felt the simplest (though of course it was brutal in its own way with sleep deprivation and healing). But the actual tasks were pretty straightforward: learn to then feed baby, keep them clean, hold them, debug cries.

Then the baby stage comes, and suddenly it’s about supporting motor skills, speech, movement, all while still keeping up with the basics.

Early toddlerhood? Pure survival mode. Keeping them alive, making sure they eat more than air, avoiding things they shouldn’t get into. Late toddlerhood shifts to navigating big feelings and meltdowns in a gentle but effective way.

Now that we’ve hit the preschool stage, some of it is straight forward for me, like helping with independence (potty, shoes, maybe some pre-academics). But the social dynamics??? It’s no longer just about my child learning to process his own feelings—now it’s about how his actions affect others, how to respond to peers, how to exist in a group setting.

And honestly? Half the time I don’t even know the right way to handle social situations. I still question if I’m doing the right thing in a particular scenario. I still wonder if what I said is the right thing to say. so how am I supposed to teach my kid the “right” way to do it?

I also get that I’m not the only influence in his life. Part of my role is making sure he’s around people who will help him grow in positive ways. And yes, I know the classic advice: “the most important thing is to love them,” and “there are no perfect parents.” And I know even kids from really tough households turn out amazing.

But still… I can’t shake how overwhelming it feels to have to constantly “retrain” myself for each new stage. Just when I start feeling somewhat competent, he’s onto the next one. And it’s becoming clear that certain stages (like these social interaction challenges) are harder for me than others.

Anyone else feel like this? That motherhood is less one continuous role and more like a series of new jobs you’re always a little underprepared for?

(Btw I did use ChatGPT to refine my thoughts here because like I said, my socialization battery is just mush rn)

Just a small rant.

My baby is going through 4 month sleep regression, so I’ve been stressed and exhausted.

She’s EBF so I don’t get any breaks it’s always on me when she’s hungry.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch and got woken up twice by my husband shaking me awake saying I should go to bed.

I just spent all afternoon trying to rock her and put her down for a nap, my back is killing me.

I told him do not wake me unless baby is crying and needs to eat because when she’s sleeping that’s the only time I finally get any reprieve.

What does he do the next morning… he wakes me up for a cold dead sleep at 6am to ask if I should feed her.

I ask if she’s crying and he says nope she’s just hanging out in her crib, smiling.

“Well should I take her out of the rooom or just leave her…?”

I couldn’t get back to sleep because my back was so sore.

She finally started fussing for food around 7 so I lost the opportunity to to sleep for that hour thanks to clueless husband.

Title says it all. My step mom texted me asking for a photo of my son’s SSN. I replied asking what for, I was told a gift. My son is coming up on a year old so I assume for his birthday. Which ok fine. I asked what was going to be done with it and then my father texts me saying it’s insulting that I’m asking and telling them I don’t feel comfortable with it. Am I over reacting? He started cursing at me saying “like wtf do you think she’d do with his social?” I said “I don’t know and that’s why I am asking. I don’t know what kind of gift requires a social” he stated “are we fucking dumb” I just said I’m sorry we offended you - that’s not what we intended. Neither of us (me or my husband) thought it was unreasonable to ask what our child’s social security number was being used for.

I work at my dad’s company and I’m like sick to my stomach to even go into work tomorrow because I know I’m going to get yelled at. I’ve already decided I’m simply going to say “I am not discussing this at work. If you want to calmly talk about this, you can call me and my husband when he is home from work later this evening”

My brother said he would want to know as well what his kids socials are being used for.

It’s not that I don’t trust my dad, I thought we had a very good relationship. I’m just not comfortable giving my sons info out like that. Especially sending a photo over texting. Am I wrong??

Editing to add - I genuinely don’t believe it was malicious intent by asking for it. The defensive responses have me upset I guess if anything but they’re not in a financial position of needing to ruin my child’s life. I don’t believe in my heart my dad would ever do something like that. But I still want to know what it’s being used for.

Editing again - my dad hasn’t said 2 words to me all day and left work without even saying goodbye. I’m glad his wife’s feelings are more important than his child’s is all I have to say. Glad we made the decision we did of not giving them the info they asked for. I am so beyond hurt with this. All we wanted to know was what it was being used for and this is the treatment we get.

Today was my son’s first day of preschool. Drop-off went smoothly, and when I checked in at noon I was told he was doing well, which gave me peace of mind. But at pickup, I found him sitting alone, clutching his lunch bag, crying, and clearly upset. I immediately noticed he had wet himself and had been sitting in it for some time. When I asked the teachers, I was told they didn’t know, and then I learned he had actually been crying most of the day.

It felt like a gut punch to see him that way and to only find out at the very end that he had been so distressed for hours. I’m upset that this wasn’t shared with me when I checked in and that his accident went unnoticed. I left feeling heartbroken and unsure if I can trust sending him back tomorrow.

Alright friends, I've entered into new toddler mom territory. What are we doing when our kid pours their drink in their plate? I feel conflicted because I'm like that's gross why did you do that let me make you something else, and on the other hand I'm like you need to sit there and eat that because you shouldn't have done that. How are we handling this?

(I sat him down in his high chair with his dinner and walked back over to grab my own plate to sit down and eat and in that 30 seconds he poured his drink in his plate)

I was about 11 weeks pregnant when I started feeling off. At first I wasnt in pain I wasn’t bleeding but the symptoms I had were suddenly gone. No nausea or fatigue I mentioned it during a regular appointment and they told me everything was probably fine that symptoms fluctuate and not to worry. But the feeling wouldn’t go away it wasn’t anxiety or paranoiait was like this deep, quiet voice that kept saying pay attention. I asked for a scan even though they said I didn’t relly need one.They finally agreed and thats when we found out I had a missed miscarriage. The baby had stopped growing around 8 weeks. My body just hadn’t caught up yet. Was there a moment during your pregnancy where everything just felt off?

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through but at the same time I felt oddly proud that I trusted myself. It made me realize how easy it is to get dismissed especially in pregnancy, and how important it is to advocate for your body even when no one else is concerned. This whole experience reminded me that gut feelings matter. So if something doesn’t sit right say it, You re not being difficult you’re protecting yourself and your babyou know your body better than anyone else.

I don’t know where to post this and I’m a little emotional at 35 weeks pregnant. I feel a bit silly to be honest!

My partner’s mum passed when he was very little. We talk about her often with the family and our son. Our kids may not have her here but we agreed that Nonna was always going to be loved and remembered in our home.

I had a terrible pregnancy with my son which was amplified by other external factors- it was one of the hardest times I’ve lived through. Despite the issues I faced with hyperemesis and losing a scary amount of weight in the beginning, right up until the emergency cesarean with Covid, I always felt a sense that she was looking after us. I’m not a religious or spiritual person and have struggled a bit to rationalise this feeling.

I’m 35 weeks with our daughter now and since finding out about the pregnancy, I’ve felt the same feeling. I tried to rationalise it with the hormones and extra emotions I’m experiencing in the pregnancy but it’s now going well beyond that.

Nonna’s favourite birds were Willie wagtails (I’m in Aus). My partner told me this when we first met and would say that when he saw one, he felt closer to her and as though she was checking in on him.

The past 3 or so months, we have had one around our house almost constantly. It’ll come to the window and chat away. It’ll come to my office (wfh) window and chat away. It will sometimes stay for half an hour or more, just chatting away to us - our son absolutely adores it.

It’s been showing up a lot lately and despite my cold logical self, I feel like she’s watching over us, waiting to meet her newest little granddaughter.

I really, really need to recharge. My marriage is draining lately, I went back to work part time and feel like I’m constantly drowning trying to keep up with house/life/parenting stuff while also working, and I’ve had like one kid free day in months and months (I also have a 6 and 8 year old)

So today, my husband is at work, the older kids are at school, and I’m ready to pour into my cup a little bit. But it’s been so dang long I don’t even know how?!

Don’t crucify me but there will be lots of screen time today because I figure one day of screen time in exchange for me feeling like a human again and being able to parent better because of it is worth it. But what else can I do? I started the morning with a hot bath which was nice. Planning on lighting a candle and snuggling in to watch vampire diaries. A nap maybe during nap time. Probably easy low maintenance meals/snacks for the little to get a break from cooking. Any other ideas? What do you guys do to recharge a bit, that’s possible with a 2 year old still here?

Edit 2 - People keep pointing out feminism isn't to blame despite my previous edit. If I could change the wording of the title of this post I would, people with much better understanding of the social sciences than me pointed out this phrasing is problematic. I don't disagree.

Girls pushed into careers previously owned by men, opening doors that were previously locked and having access to money my mother and grandmother could only dream of, the medical community attempting to drop the paternalization and embrace more empowering and respectful tones are still feminist things in my worldview and the source of the title of this post. My issue is with the extreme lack of honesty and connection to reality.

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from even if you disagree with the terminology.

Edit - since multiple people have mentioned it and rightfully so - of course modern feminism is a much more complex topic. Unfortunately my home country is still very much in the "girl boss" era and this is what the general public perceives as feminism. We are just not there yet.

I have to start with a disclaimer that I love my baby and he is the light of my life. I am also incredibly priviledged and have a good life. I was also incredibly naive. This will potentially come across as very "woe is me" but I can't be the only one who feels this way. I guess I'm still grieving and adjusting and I needed to get this off my chest.

I grew up middle class in a first world country. I was one of those girls who were pushed into STEM. I was told I could be anything I wanted when I grow up given I work hard enough. I never experienced any kind of gender discrimination all throughout school and university. I was told women's rights issues were a thing of the past and we had achieved full equality. I was also told I could have it all - career, a bunch of kids, hobbies, a healthy lifestyle and a social life. "Work life balance" was a thing. I was told I should get pregnant only when I decided I'm "ready", ideally around age 35 into a well established career. As a teenager I was taught that pregnancy is a guaranteed outcome of unprotected sex, and that getting pregnant "too young" will ruin my life. I was under the impression I had full control over my fertility and that I had plenty of time. I was told pregnancy is not a sickness, and I can prove myself at work before going on maternity leave. I was told I could have any birth I desired and heard the phrases "birth plan", "hypnobirthing", "golden hour" and "informed consent" over and over again. Natural is always best of course. Same goes for breastfeeding, because that's what we're meant to do, right? "Breast is best", right? I was told to "soak in the newborn snuggles", I was already picturing myself sitting in a pillow nest, breastfeeding and doing skin to skin with a sweet little angel baby all day long experiencing nothing but love, happiness and bliss. Motherhood is easy, instinctual and natural. My body and mind were made for this.

I worked extremely hard to put myself through school and earned a prestigious engineering degree. I got an amazing tech job and married my amazing husband. I felt empowered and optimistic. Life had so much to offer.

And then we started planning our family. That was the first time I learnt about how ovulation worked and how low the monthly conception rates were. That's when I discovered fertility starts to deteriorate after your mid 20's, and by 35 there is already a major decline. I remember I was so convinced I was pregnant on the first month we tried, only to be crushed by a negative test. Eventually I got pregnant, but it took endless months of meticulus cycle tracking and a huge emotional rollercoster. Pregnancy was 9 months of pure hell and I was barely able to function. I still pushed through somehow and was getting positive feedback at work, but then I announced my pregnancy and got skipped over the promotion I was working towards. "Prove yourself after mat leave", they said. On my last month of pregnancy I was already on maternity leave because of debilitating prodromal labour. Then I had a traumatic birth, I never even got to breastfeed despite trying so hard because my baby never latched, so he is formula fed. The first weeks of PP were horrible, my baby was colicky, I was dangerously sleep deprived and he is now diagnosed with reflux. Babies are exhausting and nothing like the blissful experience I was told about. Daycare costs more than our rent and it doesn't even match tech working hours, I never knew childcare was such a logistically complicated expense. A glass ceiling is now hanging above my career, and it will keep getting lower and lower with each child I have. I am going to spend the next decade of my life exhausted, sleep deprived and being neither here nor there with my career and motherhood.

Despite having an amazing husband who does his best to support me and a high paying job, each stage of this process has been more shocking and disappointing than the previous one. I never realised how unequal the load is for women due to pure biology, and how little control we have over pregnancy, birth and postpartum outcomes. I never realised how vulnerable we are, how much progress society still needs to make, how raging gender discrimination is and how hard this whole thing was going to be.

Ok, question! I know we all have dealt with this.. I have a 6 year old daughter (only child) that I love more than anything in this universe! But she will not stop talking!!! Like the goal is just to fill the air with words every second! lol

I do spend time listening and talking back with her, especially since she is an only child, I know that maybe sometimes she might be bored or just want to feel a part of everyday life with her little questions about how come this and how come that?

Sometimes I feel like I might lose my mind lol!! I like to talk but I also like and miss times of quiet and just being able to hear myself think!!

How do you momma’s out there deal with this? What’s a nice way of communicating that I need some silence or just a second to think 😂

Hey all, Looking for advice from other parents of toddlers.

My wife is really struggling with mornings right now. I work Tuesday–Saturday and have to be out the door by 5:30am, which means she’s on her own with our 3-year-old and has to get both herself and our toddler ready for school/work. Mondays are my day off, so I take over completely then, but the rest of the week it’s on her.

The problem is that mornings often turn into meltdowns. Our toddler resists getting ready, wants videos or my wife’s phone, and cries when she doesn’t get her way. By the time they’re out the door, my wife feels hot, sweaty, rushed, and like she’s failing both as a mom and in her job as a teacher. She texts me in tears some mornings, saying she just can’t keep her cool.

We don’t have family or friends close by who can step in and help, so it’s really just the two of us.

We’ve tried things like putting on videos as a distraction, but that just creates battles over which video. Giving her more independence sometimes works, but sometimes it just slows things down to the point of chaos.

I want to help lighten my wife’s load even though I’m not physically there most mornings. Has anyone been through this? What worked for you?

• Do you have routines, tricks, or prep-the-night-before strategies that cut down the stress? • Any advice for helping a toddler through separation anxiety in the mornings? • Ways I can support my wife even if I’m not home at that time?

Would really appreciate hearing what worked for other families. Mornings feel like they’re breaking her down, and I want to make this easier for both of them.

The title, that’s it. I’m not okay 😭

His speech exploded, he’s playing more independently and sleeping great. He’s 22 months and we wanted to make sure we got rid of it before 2. He’s doing so well without it 🥹

Today ... I'm battling.

A month after being S.A., I found out I was pregnant. I decided to keep my son and struggled thru a lonely, painful and sober pregnancy...but I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

A month after my son was born, he was diagnosed with a rare genetic mutation. With it comes uncontrollable seizures, developmental delays, gastrointestinal issues, respiratory problems, heart and kidney abnormalities, issues swallowing, etc...it affects every system of the body. He's had 3 surgeries so far, several hospitalizations, and more doctors and specialists than I can count most days. He just came home last week from having a g-tube placed due to aspiration.

I've lost 2 jobs since he was born, due to needing time off...my first time being fired and unemployed in 17 yrs. I have two older kids, both honor roll students and one about to graduate early. I'm so proud of my babies, but this is the saddest I've been in my life. My parents passed away and I just don't have anyone to rely on. I'm drowning in bills.... using credit cards to pay off credit cards, selling things around the house, and robbing Peter to pay Paul.

I was in a pro-life program that encouraged me to keep my little one.....but they just suggested I start a fundraiser and dropped me from the program just as soon as he was born. Assistance programs aren't anywhere to be found in my area. I'm driving 2 hours for doctor's appointments, therapies 5 days a week. My tiny little car isn't big enough for his equipment. When I finally put my pride to the side and asked for help, no one listened/cared ....And ON TOP OF IT ALL..... I found out that my attacker accepted a plea bargain and has been released on time served.

I'm tired of struggling alone 😭😭 and Ik going backwards in my path won't help either. Please pray for me.... Pray for us 😞

So im a sahm. We have a 6 month old. I take care of everything inside the home. All the chores and child care.

When my husband watches our daughter without me there, when im showering or im out riding my horse (the only times he watches her without me), he doesn't change her diaper. Sometimes he does, but it's rare. My husband will literally hand me our baby when we are both there for me to change her.

Im currently fighting a diaper rash (with air drying, triple paste, and clean diapers) & it flares up when he let's her sit in her shit. Ive communicated with him about this and nothing changes. Always an excuse.."Im tired" "I didn't notice she had a dirty diaper" "ive only watched her for 40 mins right now"

Ive kinda posted about this before. Asking how much a husband should help with his baby. I showed him the responses too. I'm so mad because I can't force him to change. He is my only support system. All I have is someone who half ass babysits every once in a while.

He is an apprentice lineman. He works hard and doesn't have much time to spend with us. He is truly tired. I appreciate that he supports us financially.

I just don't think its a good enough excuse to not be present or helpful. Instead of sitting there and playing on his phone when he is watching the baby, he could be changing her f**cking diaper.

A friend I grew up with complimented my daughter (to me).

She told me she’s very beautiful. And looks like me when I was younger only even more beautiful.

This is 100% true.

My daughter IS a lot more beautiful than I ever was.

I never even considered myself pretty, let alone beautiful.

But how would you take this comment if it were said to you?

Between two elementary aged kids, a toddler who is into everything currently, and being 8.5mo pregnant and not sleeping I am beat. And now with homework coming home, and taking roughly two to three hours between the two, and trying to wrangle said toddler, make dinner and not lose my marbles and deal with the general evening chaos, I am BEAT. Seriously though, homework in elementary school is more so for the parents and not the kids and I’m over it 😭

Posting from an alternate acct because I'm fairly sure my husband can find my main.

I plan on getting a divorce soon. Unfortunately, I live in an archaic state that has a lot of hoops to jump through first. I'm a mom of a 4 y/o who is in school, and am very excited about the courts forcing my husband to do more of the parenting load or pay child support. I feel like much of the first few years of my son's life I pretty much did it alone while working. This and the fact that I want another child (but never with him) are large contributors to my thought process.

I am 36 and I really want a second child. I have a good job with good (for the US) maternity leave and looking into sperms banks, it would seem that obtaining donor sperm would be financially feasible for me. How insane would I be if I had a planned 2nd child as a single person in my late 30's?

Some of my friends with 2 kids have told me when talking about workload that 1 kid plus 1 kid doesn't really equal 2 kids. Part of me knows this would be a lot, but I really want a second kid. No I am not doing this to fill a void in my life, and no I am not taking this decision lightly.

So for background, I grew up in a house that should have been condemned and CPS should have removed my sisters and I.

That being said, I now am struggling to find a balance between a clean house and a happy house. I obviously struggle with keeping the house clean because of my childhood, so keeping up with everything is difficult. I find myself acting like a drill Sargent with my 6yr old and sometimes even my husband.

I work full time so weekends are usually when we do our cleaning up from the week. Again, because of my childhood I am very anxious and stressed about the house turning into the dump I lived in before. So I am probably more intense than others at times.

Does anyone have tips, ideas or schedules they use to keep the house tidy with losing their minds ? I don't want to be a drill Sargent, how do I make cleaning the least painful? I would appreciate and welcome all thoughts and help on the subject. Im literally starting fresh and have no idea how to do this

My perinatal depression was so bad that I truly thought it would be worse & that I would want to die postpartum but I get woken up my by 3.5 month old daughter at 2am every night and I could just cry. She is so cute and so sweet, I could listen to her little coos and goofy little honks trying to laugh with her gummy smile every middle of the night for the rest of my life and be grateful. This is not easy but I never knew I could love so much ♥️

I should preface this by saying I don’t have any issues with this personally and I’m happy he still feels comfortable around me, but I am more asking to try and understand if this is normal or not.

My son (recently turned 12) will still happily want to talk to me whilst he is in the shower or if he’s getting changed. I don’t have any problem with it, as long as everyone is comfortable. However, should I be encouraging him to be more private, or shall I just let him decide when he wants to be? I should add that he only does it in front of me (single parent) and he understands what boundaries are etc.

Edit: he does have level 1 autism

This post comes to you after being highly annoyed by lots of hair left in the downstairs shower because the kid bathroom is being remodeled so they are using the downstairs guest bathroom.
(total first world problem, I know...)

When I point out the hair and the water on the floor they seem to not notice and then I feel like a total nag. Do they REALLY not see the hair strands on the white tile?

I was raised to be scared of my mom so I always wanted to please her and definitely walked on eggshells. I certainly don't want that but I do want us to all chip in and do what needs to be done. But I also don't want to Be In Charge.

I've tried chore charts. I've tried incentives. I love the idea that the whole Family has set chores (something similar to this listing) and when I "police" them they do clean up but I want them to notice on their own. But they simply will. not. notice.

My spouse is great and does notice (not to the same extent I do) and absolutely does his own fair share. The kids are 8, 12, 16. Shouldn't they be doing more/noticing more by now?

I have a special needs child that is also nonverbal, autistic. She is now a teenager who is bigger than me. She is on medication to help regulate her emotions, she knows sign language (That I taught her), she even has a communication device to help her communicate to people who don't know sign language. I have tried over and over again to have her communicate her frustrations through sign or the device. Not many people practice sign with her (including her dad and most of my family) so she's not amazing at it. Plus, she has fine motor skill issues so it's a lot of miming and guessing what she's saying unless I make her actually sign it out.

Her father and I are divorced for many reasons. One reason was I was always the disciplinary parent and he's the fun parent. If I told her to not do something he would do it not even 5 minutes later and laugh about it. Or when she was getting violent with me or was purposely annoying me to the point that I was getting frustrated, he wouldn't step in. If I yelled at him to, he would say things like, "Stay away from your mother. She doesn't want you. Stop messing with her." Like it was some sort of joke, or I couldn't handle it myself.

When she's with me she has consequences and expectations. When she's with him he does everything for her because "she doesn't know how or she can't do that!" She can! You just have to talk her through it. You have to give her reminders; you have to make her do it and do it to the best of her ability. Otherwise, it's half-assed and there is no effort put forth. He enables her because she's "unique" where I know she can do more than people give her credit for.

Anyway- when she throws a tantrum, she can get physical. She mainly does it towards me. If it's not at me it's to my sister. Her stepfather will make her do things and she'll throw a fit or sulk, but she won't hurt him like she hurts me. She has given me black eyes from her tantrums. It's important to know that her stepdad is in the military and it's only when he leaves that she hurts me. I don't know why but for some reason she only does it when he has to go out of town. She will spit on me, hit me, kick me, slam doors in my face. She's almost shoved me down the stairs before. If she does do something like flip me off, he holds her accountable. Makes her apologize and talks to her about why she was angry after she's calmed down.

My biggest grievance is when I tell her social worker or behavior doctor, they just tell me that I should feel special that I'm her safe space. That she knows she can treat me anyway she wants/needs and I'll still love her. I mean they aren't wrong, I'll always love her, but I don't want to be her safe space if it means I keep getting hurt.

Part of me wants to give her dad custody just so he can deal with it since he doesn't help with any consequences. I take something away and immediately he gives her back it when she goes back to his house. She's always the worst when she comes home from his house. I would be a terrible person to let him raise her by himself just because she would never succeed in life.

I am just tired of being told I'm her safe place and I just have to ride it out. I don't know what else to do.