Wow. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be in such a position. For what it's worth, a stranger on reddit is sorry for what you went through man.
I know this is just the internet, but if someone did that to my son someone better get to them before I do. It's not the right answer because your kids need you, but I'd probably end up behind bars.
My father was abused by a priest, one of his cousins and a school teacher... he didn't tell me until 2 years ago, he started reliving everything and went into major depression and started acting crazy. He talked to his brother for the first time in a very long time and found out all of his siblings (none of them he is close with, he has 9-10 living siblings) were abused by the same cousin. I say do it man, my dad tried to do it during this crazy phase but none of his siblings would give their statements as they were traumatized from it too. Note this happened a very long time ago (40-50years) but nothing every came from the police report. He tried got an interview with CBC and basically told his life story and they just fucking stopped returning his calls. Do it before it's too late, it makes me sick to my stomach that the people who abused my father are still out there and have probably kept doing it. It fucked with him mentally and now he just lives in his van.
It's bad because I know for a fact if I ever somehow just walked in on one of these types of incidents I'd fucking strangle the guy right there. Fuck that guy.
You do have the right to challenge the camera ticket in court. If it comes down to it, you can even get the officer who signed your ticket to face you in court. But for most people it's not worth it....the camera provides pretty compelling evidence of your guilt.
There is a case where a defendant refused to pay the ticket and argued that the state had to prove that he was in fact driving the car at the time. Eventually the state dropped it because it wasn't worth it. But for the defendant, it was a very time consuming process and if I recall correctly, he was a lawyer. All that time and effort was spent to get out of $100-200 ticket.
You’re not obligated to answer snitch tickets. In CA, they were printed to look like real tickets (ie a summons to appear), part of why they removed red light cameras in many cities.
Biggest problem was that the vast majority of tickets were rolling right turns at low speeds, something most people find to be “okay” and don’t associate with running red lights.
A family friend, who happens to be a judge that decided one of the two cases that declared them unconstitutional, told me that it'd "be a cold day in hell" before he allowed them. He said they're blatantly unconstitutional then gave a lengthy reply why. Won't deny I sorta zoned out halfway through ... damn ADHD.
From what I did manage to gather, though, the local governments were trying to argue that the cameras made the streets safer despite study after study proving this was wrong. IANAL but apparently that means they're used solely for tax collection purposes and, as such, they have to prove the money is being used to make the streets safer. Not surprisingly, the governments were unable to do that so the court said, "go fuck yourself" and last I heard they were working their way through the appellate process.
In my area rear endings at red lights went up because people slam on their breaks and because of many reasons that prevented the tickets from being pursued to a fine and had to be thrown out the city still had to pay a huge fee to the camera companies that would have partially been paid by tickets. A lot of the tickets during the afternoon were at an angle where the suns reflection covered up the drivers face was one reason
Well, iirc that was the whole point of challenging them in court. Not only did they not lower accidents, in many, they increased them.
The corner in which the plaintiff received their ticket the accidents went up. He was sorta laughing about that. I'm one of those where I only remember bits and pieces of conversations but I remember him saying something like, "Some attorneys choose losing cases just because they like seeing their names in print."
Confrontation Clause. The Confrontation Clause of the Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution provides that "in all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right…to be confronted with the witnesses against him.
That would be pretty unfair on the accusee. "Oh yeah, someone's accusin you of X. Won't tell you who it the is, good luck figuring out how to defend yourself without the most basic details of the case!"
No, I'm asking for a gag order on an identity. That isn't uncommon, and is often done in cases involving, for example, children. It's also not unheard of in cases involving adults in Australia, which is my frame of reference.
This is true. The identity of my father was suppressed in the media to protect my sister and I because we were minors at the time of the crimes. This is standard in Australia.
And in the UK. Rape victims also have the legal right to anonymity. It's still an open court, anyone can sit in it, but reporting identifiable information on the victim is prohibited.
Same where i'm from. Even caselaw issued by the Supreme Court (if the case reaches that far) will usually use aliases like "AAA" to hide the victim's identity.
Edit: even the media are explicitly covered by the statute prohibiting revelation of the identity of victims. So, even if someone lets it slip, media practitioners will remain equally and separately liable for publishing the identity.
Not really, the public and press can still sit in the gallery of the court, there is just an injunction prohibiting the printing/reporting of any information that would identify the witness.
There are some trials, or portions thereof, that are not made open to the "public" -- for example, where the victim is a minor, the judge may decide to have the victim's testimony be taken in chambers or in an empty courtroom, or the like.
I hate the idea that this woman is possibly still a victim who will never get justice. One who was probably shamed for coming forward by everyone around her.
Edit: (This was social commentary on the original story, said in a sympathetic way. Sexual assult and rape are terrible things when they happen to anyone, so don't assume I'm discrediting the gentleman I responded to.)
Though this may be true, at least she had the strength to come forward. Every person that does pursue justice, male or female, encourages others to do the same, making it clear that no matter who you are, assault won't be tolerated.
Just a question, if the same thing happened to your son, how would you wish him to handle it? Would you want him to press charges or to hide it like you did? I hope I'm not being rude, just honestly wondering, I think the answer to that question may be informative.
If what you say is true then this person needs to first be stopped from doing this again, and second pay for it. If it's possible, you need to stop him from every doing this again, legal..or non legal. I had a classmate when I was young killed by a sexual predator. I'm not trying to sound like a keyboard warrior but these people really need to be stopped any means necessary. I wish you the best man.
Damn bro. I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sorry you had to deal with its aftermath. But I'm glad you are working through it and are at peace(somewhat)
Honestly, its too late man. Thats what sucks. The system is set-up so if you dont report it IMMEDIATELY, unless they were recording it and you somehow get said recording youre not gonna be able to do shit. Sorry man, but our system sucks
I can’t imagine it would be easy to do it, but please know that for many people, it can be a huge weight off to finally tell someone, even if it doesn’t result in charges or prosecution.
I will not guilt you, and you should not feel guilty for not bringing charges, but you speak about your son. If there’s someone still out there that thinks it’s ok to do that, it makes everyone, including your son, a possible victim.
You have support with whatever decision you make. You may be surprised by the positivity of that support.
Depending on who it was, there might be others, and there might be more in the future. Not to pressure you, but it's best not to have people like that out there in the world that your son will grow up in
When I was living with a friend, he picked the lock on my door, and tried to force himself on me one night.
He maintained I somehow was responsible for leading him on, and I believed it for a decade before counciling made me realize he literally took advantage of my naivete and tried to lure me into sex in exchange for his "friendship".
Even getting counseling is hard. When he says women are assaulted at an alarming rate, he's not lying. I was beaten as a child and my sister and I fought physically often as kids do. When I started to grow and the different assaults from multiple parties happened, I physically fought them off, including my first kiss who drugged me with a laced cigarette somehow. I'm not sure if all the violence prepared me to fend off the sexual assaults or not. Life is weird like that. But, the violent abuse has had a profound impact on my psyche. I've at the very least spoken to a doctor and can sleep and no longer scream when I do sleep.
Edit: I had a seizure at work. I was sure I was going to be fired, but things are going on as normal. I can feel the frustration of not getting work involved. I have a hard time sometimes hiding my mental illness. I hope the counselor can give you some relief and that the incident does not affect your ability to enjoy life.
Is it past the statute of limitations? I heard an interview with Tom Arnold and he said couldn't have his sexual abuser arrested but did confront him at his job
I work investigations for cps and this happens with kids too. They will make an initial outcry to me, but then at the forensic interview they end up recanting. It sucks so much.
As a child who came forward about her abuser, it’s so so so so so hard. In my case it was my stepfather. I was literally tearing my family apart by coming forward.
Maturity and therapy later, I know that I wasn’t the one who ripped our family apart but damn it felt like it at the time. I’m so thankful though that my mom believed me and didn’t ever make me feel guilty for anything ever.
I fully understand why it happens, it just breaks my heart I can't really put any safety measures in place or do anything to keep it from happening again.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a friend that exposed her grandpa for the same thing. The whole family loved him and didn't believe her and it tore their whole family apart. Breaks my heart. I hope you are in a good place.
Oh that just breaks my heart. I’m so sorry for her, it’s so difficult to even tell someone and then to not be believed... omg.
Thank you. For the most part I am. I’m still afraid of the dark and will have the occasional panic attack, but those have gotten fewer and fewer which seriously makes life easier.
She didn't really recant in the statement though... she still maintains it happened, she just doesn't trust the justice system and who could blame her with how they've handled the case so far?
It’s worth it. I’m almost 40 now and still have my scars. I can tell each story without flinching now. It takes time. Like it or not you earned those scars. Wear them with pride. Each one is a time you didn’t give in. Didn’t give up. Didn’t let evil beat you because you got back up to do it again. Part of it is instinct but I find there’s a trend to survivors of abuse who don’t allow it to pull them into the dark places in our heads. Most of it is sheer fucking stubborn desire to do the opposite of what those who abused you wanted. All of those are traits needed in a good solider. Remind them of that. Do they want the person who has never known pain...has never endured continuous torture? Or the person who has lived through it and already come out stronger? If your parents can’t break you no one can.
Worst case they don’t want you. There are still plenty of ways to channel the same desire to serve/help others. Especially kids who are where you were.
I agree with the other two- I do not carry physical scar but my parents ripped me up emotionally with surgical precision - even into my adulthood... my biggest regrets have come from the things I stopped doing bc of giving up, and not thinking it's worth it. If you can, overcome the short term pain and regain your freedom. Get in, ship out and never look back. I eventually moved 500+miles away and I am safe, but I know there are so many times the abuse still lives in my head and has held me back. Do not let them continue to victimize you. Even if you are over it, you may wake up down the road and end up angry and bitter because this is another way they harmed you
That sucks but try not to blame it on the recruiters. They are just trying to do their job. If they don't make sure this is properly documented, they could potentially lose their career, especially if something happens to you in boot camp. If it's what you want to do, don't let the scars stop you though.
It's worth saying that we don't really need speculation. Her attorney posted a public statement. It says that her client maintains that everything happened as she alleges. But that her client feels like the police and reporters/public have been invasive of her privacy. That the police released information about her that she was promised would be confidential. That she never wanted money, and does not have faith that justice will prevail. So she doesn't see the point of going through an upsetting ordeal that isn't going to get justice anyway. That it's better for her own life to accept that the world is unfair and focus on her college classes.
Holy shit. Probably the most honest yet sad public statement I've ever heard. It's honesty like that that makes me believe her and distrust the desperate story of a has been rapper who used to have fame and money and girls and things handed to him... who is now a meth head.
The legal system is not designed to protect the victim so much as it is to protect the accused. The burden of proof remains on the state, and because a defendant need not testify in court, and the details of a crime that happens in private relies primarily on the victim's word, the victim ends up seeming like the person on trial.
Furthermore, it's amazing how readily jurors will believe highly-impeachable stories from the accused and readily ignore the accused's prior lies or misrepresentations, but will nitpick everything the victim says to the smallest detail even though the victim was likely traumatized or intoxicated during the event (which strongly impacts memory), or delayed reporting (which happens in almost every case, and causes memory to fade), or doesn't recall details on command like a super-computer.
Female jurors in a female victim adult sex assault are often the worst. They compare what the victim did, said, wore, or felt to what they would have done in that situation and cruelly judge any deviations. They also confuse the victim's vulnerability (i.e. drunkenness, wearing revealing clothing that attracts attention, walking off alone with a stranger) as being culpability (i.e. that little tramp was asking for it).
Also, witness tampering and victim intimidation are very common, especially in high profile sex assaults against people with money and power. There is bribery, intimidation against victims and their family/friends, and rabid fans who relentlessly harass and intimidate the victim, even without being directed to, around the clock under the cover of anonymity. Under that insane pressure, and the brutal scrutiny of having one's private life exposed in open court to a crowd, I'm actually more surprised when a victim in that situation DOESN'T try to take it back or make it go away. Hell, I would.
I do believe that false accusations happen, and I've personally dismissed cases that I believed were meritless. However, I've seen the above dynamics tank very solid sex assault cases.
I had never considered that female jurors would be more likely to put blame on the victim for the circumstances surrounding the assault. I wonder if the same is true in cases where the victim is male. Or if generally, members of the same sex tend to judge their own more harshly.
Don't remember the name of the documentary, but recall it being something about real life SVU, and in it, they said female jurors tended to be the worst because of an inner defense mechanism. They don't want to believe they themselves could just be raped for no reason, so they need to find a way to blame the victim for it. "She dressed like a slut." "She put herself in a bad position." Stuff like that. Stuff they could tell themselves they don't/wouldn't do, so they don't have to worry about being raped someday.
It's called the Just World Fallacy. It's really hard to wrap your head around the fact that terrible things can happen to good people, so you start looking for things the victim did to put themselves in harm's way. Anything the victim did that you think you wouldn't have done puts distance between you and them and allows you to justify why the terrible thing happened to them and not to you. It's horrible, but human nature.
I just wonder what the solution is? I want very much to believe women but I also think it's important to have a system that we can trust to protect our rights as citizens. In the absence of proof and preferably a conviction, it's unethical (imho) to decide someone is guilty at least as a regular citizen who doesn't have access to all of the information.
It is. Our justice system, warts and all, was built on the principle that the only thing more untenable than a guilty person going free is an innocent person losing their freedom.
Whenever I hear about how stupid, arbitrary and cruel jurors can be, it makes me wonder why we even HAVE jury trials. Like these cases should be decided purely on the law and whatever physical evidence can be produced, even if it means sometimes the accusations are just not provable. Victim, accused or witness, people's word often isn't worth shit.
Judges can be just as stupid, arbitrary, and cruel. I prefer a system that requires several people be convinced of guilt to the alternative. There are is also a "loophole" that allows juries to say "not guilty" even if the evidence points to the defendant being guilty if the jury believes that the law is unjust. Our legal system, with all of its flaws, it quite wonderful when done correctly.
Juries serve as an important check on the power of the government. They keep the government from railroading someone into prison if they haven't done anything other than inconvenience or embarrass the government. They also keep the law from getting too out of sync with the will of the people. For example, one of the reasons Prohibition ended was that after the first few years, juries in many cities refused to convict defendants. {for younger or non-American readers, Prohibition was a time from 1920 to 1933 when the sale of alcoholic beverages was prohibited in the U.S.}
I also investigate sex crimes. Even with the best of evidence it is incredibly difficult for us to obtain a conviction. Juries have a hard time with rape trials and ive seen not guilty verdicts even with positive DNA etc. As an added bonus the victim gets interrogated by a defense attorney and can feel revictimized. It's not an easy process for anyone involved.
There's a lot of garbage people in the world. I know someone currently going through a rape case against their husband. People can't get their heads around the fact people can be raped by their partners. Everyday I have to remind her I believe her.
Sex crimes such as that have the additional burden of Domestic Violence which presents a whole new level of mental trauma for the victim. Keep supporting her.
This is all too familiar to me. I was sexually assaulted while active duty military. I was deployed with a new command, and not knowing anyone, I felt like I barely got any help. I went through the whole process if reporting it, got authorities involved, but eventually dropped the charges because the whole event was so harrowing and stressful. I barely ate and was having suicidal thoughts. Everyone defended my assaulter, while no one believed me. It was terrible and I have PTSD from the whole event. It sucks.
I'm sorry this shit happens. I'm a vet myself and saw all it all too much. I hope you have filed this in your disability. It's 60% disability and if you do have it documented they should award it (even if you have to fight a bit). I personally know someone who went through this same thing and is at least getting the disability for it and is getting counseling through the VA.
I got discharged with "adjustment disorder" and am seeing a counselor regularly for MST. I'm getting help now, but wish I could get justice. Dude who assaulted me got away with it, and also got promoted shortly thereafter. Sooo, yeah. Fuck that patriarchy.
It’s amazing she decided to come forward in the first place. I have been in CID for the Marines for several years now. We go through the Special Victims Capability Course (SVCC) which explains the cognitive process of a sexual assault victim. The barriers she had to overcome just to come forward are difficult for anyone; let alone when the suspect is a famous Musician.
Well in the letter she specifically details how her lack of confidence also stem from the police lying to her every step of the way. So police failed her.
A close friend of mine went to the police about sexual crime with details I'm sure she would rather me not mention here. She had no proof, but the police said they would look into it because there was likely proof that they could find. They said they would call her in for a formal interview and they just never did. She kept calling to see what was going on and just got the run around, so instead she changed her name and moved to another state on the other side of the country. Regardless of what the crime taking place is or whether or not the officers deem it "severe", they still should have told her what was going on and done some sort of investigation. Instead they basically just ghosted her.
Unfourtunately the police and the individual officer handling cases have a very large say in wether or not the victim will even press charges. It's just human nature, and add trauma to that...
There's also the fact that there cannot be a conviction without her testimony. The defense has a constitutional right to cross examine the accuser. Perhaps she didn't want to be dragged through the coals by a multimillion dollar lawyer team?
Look at what happened in the kobe bryant rape case. For almost 15 months, the victim was shamed and ridiculed in the media and public eye, and this was before social media blew up. Kobe's defense was basically a smear campaign against the victim. Ultimately, the criminal case was dropped because the victim wanted the attention, shaming, and death threats to go away.
There are many many things investigators do to prove these cases but will require the victim to talk about the assault in court or multiple times.
Yup. Including cross exam by the defense attorney. Even as a spectator this is a terrible experience and I completely understand if the victim just wants to drop the whole thing.
Thank you for doing what you do. As someone who never knew advocates even existed, I spent most of this summer talking to them as they helped me move on from felony assaults by my ex back in March.
You guys have been one of the only sources of comfort I can go to when everyone else is too afraid to talk about it. They documented my injuries, wrote out my Restraining Order for me, and made sure I never left on an empty stomach.
I get tears in my eyes just thinking about how supportive they all were. I can't imagine it's easy helping victims every day, but what you do is phenomenal.
Thank you for this. As a rape survivor who didn't press charges I am so grateful for your statement. The officer explained the difficulties my case would face going to trial, it was all based on my testimony. Even if I had pressed charges, there was no guarantee the case would be pursued by the DA. I have to live with my choice, and in a way I still regret it. But I also don't know if I would have recovered from a trial and the extended trauma associated. My heart hurts for this young woman and I hope she finds a way forward.
I hate that this happened to you. It's incredibly frustrating how common it is to hear stories like yours. Especially because it is not a secret how these situations should be handled. I recall reading a r/bestof post a few months ago from a guy who found and shared the FBI's procedure for interviewing sexual assault victims made back in the 80s. The information on how best to interview and support victims is out there and so many of our law enforcement agencies in this country are woefully and willfully ignorant on the matter. I'm going to see if I can find the posting. It shouldn't be that tough.
Hi, victim here, when I confronted the cops and needed help they straight up laughed in my face. No rape kit. No investigation. It was a day after it had happened. All evidence was still there. They collected my clothes I was wearing that night and I never saw them (detectives) again. Why is this an on going thing with police. You’re there to help us when we need it. Totally put a bad taste in my mouth for all law enforcement.
The attention of it being a celebrity involved has to be soul crushing if you’re genuinely an innocent victim. This is (probably) the worst experience of your life and it turns into a spectacle for the whole world to see.
That's pretty much the problem with rape cases, the first step is showing that a crime was even commited, which can be extremely hard when most physical evidence also comes when the sex was completely consensual.
Except most people are automatically taking the accuser's word as gospel here just like they already passed judgement against Nelly when he was first arrested. Disgusting society.
I know this might get buried in your replies, but I just wanted to thank you for what you do. I can't imagine how hard your job must be, but I'm extremely grateful for people like you, who give voices to the weak and powerless. That's amazing.
I’m on trip in the car and since this blew up wife is driving. Thank you for your comment. I didn’t expect all this when I read the article this morning.
My wife is a sexual assault victim advocate... Basically everything you said, is what she complains about all the time. It takes A LOT to get convictions and there has been many a night she's came home basically crying because they couldn't get a conviction because of a lack of evidence... a lot of times her clients are mentally handicap and underage... then she has to help explain to the parents why this person who most likely sexually assaulted their child gets to walk free. It's a rough line of work you guys do.
Do not ever call a victim of sexual assault a liar unless you know KNOW!!! 100% that they are lying.
I think this is an important note - Reddit has a bad habit of assuming, due to bad stories about false accusations (which are a serious matter) that the person accused not being convicted -> the accuser was lying, which is an illogical leap.
Thanks for saying this. I haven't really been following the story either and ultimately it's her choice what she would like to do. Just because she doesn't want to move forward with the investigation doesn't mean she's lying or it didn't happen.
Do not ever call a victim of sexual assault a liar unless you know KNOW!!! 100% that they are lying. The damage caused to a person who is a victim that is treated like a suspect is irreversible and you will never know the pain that person is going through.
This would also apply to the accused but as someone who knows a falsely accused man who was 100% cleared after a lengthy ordeal, zero evidence and the women finally admitting she made it all up. He is to this day, years later dealing with the repercussions, social, mental and financial that this women's lie caused. She very nearly ruined his life (still causing massive damage in the process).
Nothing ever happen to her, no charges. She got to just go on with her life as if nothing ever happened.
Rape accusations carry with them a certain stigma of guilt for men. Regardless of the evidence it will ruin relationships and cause major financial burden while taking a pretty hefty mental toll. Just imagine being completely innocent in a situation like this where your almost always going to be automatically looked at as guilty.
Edit: I'd also just like to add that false accusers should be severely punished. They hurt the innocent as well as the victims of real rapes and this kind of behavior should be punished harshly. The damage it causes to lives is just mind boggling and rage inducing.
As a detective, what impact do you think that anonymizing victims and the accused would have on the justice system? I've watched a few trials first hand, and it seemed to me that race, gender, social class, clothing, diction, education, and other social cues, impacted the trial nearly as much as the actual evidence presented does.
It's crazy. Doesn't statistics show a higher likelihood that women who are raped are done so by friends or someone close to them rather than strangers? Why is it harder to prove a rape has occurred in that instance?
Hey I ignored most the questions after a while but in personal experience the victim is rarely outright lying. It happens, not normally to set up the suspect but usually because the victim was unfaithful to their significant other. Outright liars are charged for false report to peace officer, though I don’t believe the DA frequently picks up the case.
Yeah, thank you for this. I think people read the title (because no one reads the article, let's all be honest with ourselves here) and thought "Oh that's great. Nelly didn't rape her, she was lying".
Do not ever call a victim of sexual assault a liar unless you know KNOW!!! 100% that they are lying. The damage caused to a person who is a victim that is treated like a suspect is irreversible and you will never know the pain that person is going through.
I think this logic can also be applied to someone that is accused of rape or sexual assualt. Without all the facts, I think it is loose butthole to just assume Nelly did something. I saw a post on reddit where a dude got out of prison for raping a lady after the lady came forward 12 years later and said she wasn't actually raped.
I was falsely accused. Brutal shit man. I never even got charged. The police saw throught her bs. But the accusation alone was enough to cause me severe problems.
Well, they are innocent until proven guilt, right? So it only makes sense that we side with the suspect. Making people prove innocence isn't the right way to go.
For me, whether Nelly did it or not is less an issue at this juncture, than the problem of the accused getting outed immediately. There is nothing to be gained from releasing the name of someone who has been accused, except the instant public perception of guilt. We should have never known either name in this case.
It’s horrible. I was taken advantage of by a man I saw as my big brother. I grew up with him as our parents were close friends so when he invited me back to his house with other people after we’d been drinking at the local pub I thought nothing of it. We smoked some weed, did a little coke, and drank some more. I was completely fucked and had little to no control over myself. I barely remember anything that happened, but have vague flashbacks to being in his car (he had asked me to go with him to pick up more coke as he “didn’t trust the guy”) and repeatedly saying no while he was kissing and grabbing at me. I woke up the next morning in my bed with my underwear twisted, cuts and bruises everywhere, and remnants of an obvious sexual activity. He told everybody we’d had sex, and to this day I still don’t know what happened.
I can’t accuse him if I’m not sure. I think that’s also a major reason why people are hesitant to come forward.
He’s currently serving a year for raping another girl and I can’t help but feel guilty for not speaking up even though I wasn’t clear on what happened.
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u/[deleted] Oct 14 '17
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