On monday it's been 4 weeks since I fell from 4-5 meters height because of one f@#%ing stupid decision (I relapsed on ket). I've been stuck in hospital for weeks with a lot of injuries, including a broken back, and I've been given quite a lot of morphine in combination with other drugs during that time. I've reduced the amount as much as possible, since I know what awaits, but obviously I can not just say no to it all, since it eases my pain. In hospital that's all they have done, at first I was high all the time, since they gave me a lot, but I don't wish to be given really high amounts of morphine if not necessary, but perhaps it was, I have no idea.
Yesterday I was finally transfered to a rehabilitation center where I'm supposed to heal and come back with the right training. Two things scares me though. First of all is the thought of going through withdrawals again...for the 117 time. I know I will taper as I get back and my pain reduces. I also recive a muscle relaxant that works on gabaA and gabaB, and I'm quite sure it will make withdrawals worse, but I could be wrong.
The other thing that scares me is the thought that perhaps I'm injured for life. Will I be stuck on morphine for life? I really hope not, but I haven't recieved any help other than drugs for four weeks. What consequenses will that have? I'm more or less stuck to bed all day, I can get up, do a little like take a shower, but every small movement I make standing up or sitting on a chair, makes my back-pain really difficult even though I recieve morphine, so I have to get back to bed and I'm stuck there all day.
I'm ready to fight for coming back strong, be free from morphine, but damn, this really sucks, and I can't believe I've done this to myself. My whole life changed from one day to another. I try not to be emotional about it, otherwise I will just brake down and give up. I'm not ready to give up yet. I hate that I'm injured and dependent on morphine. I was doing really good, I was clean (smoked weed but that was it) and I had plans for my future, now everything has changed. I blame myself a lot.
Tell me something good, something to give me a little hope or just make my time laying in bed a little more comfortable. I was living alone before this happened, but knew and talked to people daily. Now everyone is gone and I'm left alone with the fight of my life. It hurts in many ways..