r/Paramedics • u/Ancient-Basis5033 • 2d ago
US What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard from a patient?
Just curious because I feel like every EMT has at least one story that makes you laugh no matter how many times you tell it.
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u/lIllIlIlIllIlII 2d ago
First impressions are really important to me. I always try to introduce myself and my partner and learn the patient's name, because I know these things can be meaningful.
We walked through the door and the moment we made eye contact w our 50s male, bedbound pt, he shouted "LOOK AT MY BAWWWLS" and flipped off the covers to reveal his massive, infected cantaloupe ballsack.
Love my job.
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u/pairoflytics 2d ago
I believe we’re living in a simulation. There is zero alternate explanation as to why more than one of us has experienced this exact scenario.
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u/Aggravating-Crow-188 1d ago
Who knew the melon balls would be a universal experience?!
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u/Atticus413 20h ago
man. back when I was an EMT ~13 years ago, I did a ER to ER transfer for a 400lb patient who had GINORMOUS balls.
someway, somehow, he had a venous bleed from the sack.
I think we were transferring to the mothership hospital for either vascular or urology.
The ER doc at the sending facility specifically told me (and I documented) "alright, DO NOT TOUCH HIS SACK once we get him on the stretcher. we've controlled the bleeding for now. DO NOT LOOK AT IT, DO NOT TOUCH IT."
We loaded him up and off we went.
Vitals were fine throughout, q15 mins, and the transfer took about 30 minutes.
When we pulled up, I removed his blanket to get the stretcher out and the man was sitting a HUGE pool of clotted blood. The stitch/thrombipad had busted and he had been bleeding.
From what I know, he ended up doing fine, but goddamn, I was 22, and a relatively new EMT on a basic-basic truck. I'll never forget the size of his balls, and never ever took the ER doc's recommendation to not look at a wound again.
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u/buylobgetlob 2d ago
Oh man this just made me think about Lemons Guy. I'm in the back for a random hospital floor to nursing home transfer and the whole time guy was going on and on about his nuts. "They are the size of LEMONS! (Hand gesture that more accurately estimates a cantaloupe.) I've never seen anything like it! I mean just LEMON SIZED, do you want to see?" He certainly wasn't all there but it made me laugh because for once it wasn't someone being a little bit of a creep, he was just so darn impressed by this development that he didn't want someone else to miss the chance to get to marvel at them too.
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u/dochdgs Paramedic student 1d ago
One of the funniest things I’ve experienced in EMS was about a set of big infected balls. I think the dude’s deal was he would put pencils and stuff up his urethra. Anyway, obviously we’re assuming he has an infection, and we get to the ED and they do their thing. Later we bring in something else and the entire ED is still abuzz about balls guy and one of the EM docs sings/raps “🎶🎵 just like I expected, your balls are infected 🎶🎵”.
Also noteworthy about this call is a new nurse grad saying to another nurse “where does EMS even find these people”? And their preceptor saying “they seek them out. It’s not a 911/dispatch thing, they go house to house looking for them”. And also a doc talking about how some people are born with three testicles and I sheepishly admitted to him that I was born with three testicles (so was my dad), and he begged me to show him.
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u/Seanpat68 8h ago
Had a pair that was actually subq emphysema. Was doing an IFT and the attending perked up when we got there gave us the story of a guy coming in for not feeling well and abnormal gait. Then he grabbed his resident and and said “most doctors would have gotten labs and maybe discharged him but not Dr. Smith no Dr. Smith is a ball man”. As he pulled the sheet back and displayed the overgrown testicles .
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u/Low_Finger_5843 2d ago
Asked the PT (67YO M) if he is allergic to any medications. He responds, "Fine... I'm gay... Pete Butigieg is so hot" and goes on a very long rant about how he hasn't had sex in years.
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u/NorCalMikey 2d ago
Arrived at a house for a person experiencing a decreased level of consciousness. Arrived to find a man in his 70s sitting in a Wheelchair. He appeared a awake with his head slouch forward. The family stated he isn't acting normal. I asked about what is normal for him. The family stated he had a stroke several years ago and has been nonverbal for a while. He normally looks around but they felt he was normal. They were very vague.
We load him into the ambulance and start transporting. I say to the man I'm going to poke your finger and check your blood sugar. The man answers OK.
I say your family told me you can't talk. He says I can talk. I just don't talk to them. I don't like them
This man had not said a word in front of his family for 3 years. I aspire to this level of pettiness.
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u/YearPossible1376 2d ago
I had a trauma that was altered and had been given pain meds so he was a little loopy. Cut his pants off and he told me not to laugh at his dick cause it was so small. I couldn't help but laugh once I saw it cause it looked remarkably similar to mine.
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u/SelfTechnical6771 2d ago
Before I was a medic I was a CNA. We had a patient with acromegaly He was 7'6 tall and mostly bed bound, He had a pituitary tumor. Anyways I got along with him pretty good I guess I'm easy going and I don't talk to patients like their cardboard or something. Anyway he calls me in his room Just hey I have to ask you something really important any points down at his penis when says "Now be honest Is that the smallest goddamn dick you've ever seen in your life."I laughed for a second told him no because I've actually had to go find people's dick to clean it cuz they get real bad infections and have had to cath a few we're also had to go to extravagant links just to find it. Super duper wonderful nice guy!
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u/dark_sansa 2d ago
Aw poor dude thought you were making fun of his dick.
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u/YearPossible1376 1d ago
I told him I was laughing cause they looked the same. I regretted saying that but it just came out, thankfully other responders were with other patients and it was just me and that patient in the ambulance alone.
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u/Mosh4days 2d ago edited 2d ago
Responded for a 13yo boy - he was autistic, adopted, and was losing his mind angry literally flipping furniture in his house. We had to sedate with midaz to get him on the stretcher safely.
Anyways, cop is riding in the back with us and the kid is perking back up and starts trying to get out of the stretcher. Cop comes and tries to physically restrain him.
Kid suddenly gathers himself, looks the cop dead the eyes and calmly says "I recognize you from somewhere". Cop bites, "oh ya? From where" Kid shouts: "FROM DUMBASS CAMP!" and starts screaming/fighting again.
I fuckin keeled over laughing, cop is FUUUMING. Like bro, he got you, it's ok🤣
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u/George_T-Stagg 1d ago
Saw a very similar situation where the kid was asking the cop his name and then 2 mins later calling him officer fat shit the whole ride in to ED. The cops tried dad mode, friend mode and cop mode and all 3 failed with this kid. I tried to not laugh but this kid was relentless.
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u/AttorneyExisting1651 2d ago
“Watch out for the turtle gate.”
Looked down to see a 1 inch tall piece of cardboard in the doorway holding their turtle in the other room.
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u/smoyban 2d ago
I'm actually just relieved that this wasn't going to be some kind of poop reference.
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u/king_goodbar 2d ago
An elderly woman asked me if I know what a “coolie” is. I said I have no idea. She then proceeded to tell me it’s a quickie in a snow bank.
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u/TickdoffTank0315 2d ago
Patient in SVT. Adenosine (6/12/12) did not work. We were preparing for synchronized cardioversion when the patients wife walks in (she had been at the store) and says. "OMG what is going on?!"
Patient says "I think im trying to die!" Everyone cracked up.
The shock worked and he was stable on the ride to the hospital.
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u/bassmedic 2d ago
I was just starting out and was being timid about doing an EKG on a woman. She lifted her shirt and said, "come on honey, I know you've seen titties before."
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u/Chicken_Hairs 2d ago edited 2d ago
85yo male, general weakness, sob, dizzy. Daughter called.
We were chatting with him, me on one side, partner on the other. While I was listening to the daughter I noticed him eyeing first me, then my partner, back and forth. When I made eye contact with him, he sneered, "I ain't payin' for both of you."
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u/metamorphage 1d ago
Grumpy stubborn old man, my favorite flavor of patient. "I was fine until my daughter made me start seeing all these doctors!"
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u/Ocelotank NRP 2d ago
From my ride time as a student:
(Drunk guy in library bathroom)
lead medic walks in
Medic: yapping
Drunk: "What's your name?"
Medic: "My name is Zachary!"
Drunk: "You're a fucking f****t Zachary!"
Cops couldn't contain themselves.
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u/RedFormanEMS 2d ago
Got called for a code blue on Christmas Eve. Family swears he has a DNR, but can't produce paperwork. Said they called because they freaked out. I still have to work him until they can produce the paperwork. Got a rookie EMT for a partner. After about 20 minutes, they find the DNR paperwork, it's legit, so we can stop. However, now I have to wait for the coroner. My goofy partner is talking to the family in the other room. As in chit chat. Turns out, he sort of knows them. Takes the coroner a little while to get there so the rookie has plenty of time to talk. Coroner gets there and we can leave. As we are walking out the door, rookie says, "Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!".
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u/Imaginary-Ganache-59 2d ago
Had to bust in a window for a lady who was bed bound, we made entry and she asks if her door was unlocked to which we replied “no”, she then proceeds to go on a 10 minute tirade concerning her grandchildren and called them every slur in the book.
2 big ass whiter than snow fireman carrying a tiny 90 something black grandma down the steps while she referred to her grandchildren as “moon crickets” is genuinely the funniest call I’ve ever had.
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u/dark_sansa 2d ago
…the fuck are moon crickets?
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u/Imaginary-Ganache-59 2d ago
Derogatory term for African Americans. It’s really old, none of us knew what it was till we cleared and looked it up
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u/dark_sansa 2d ago
Now I am curious about the etymology but don’t want to Google it lol. That is literally the weirdest slur I’ve ever heard.
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u/Chicken_Hairs 2d ago
Humans excell at slurs and insults, I wish I remembered a tenth of the ones I've read in old books.
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u/Not3kidsinasuit 2d ago
"You don't want to fuck with me, I've seen dead bodies". Generally we try not to antagonize the mental health patient under police guard but a whole triage bay of health care workers and police cracked up and said us too bud.
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u/Vprbite PC-Paramedic 2d ago
I had to place a 12 lead on an older woman who started complaining of some chest pain mid-transport.
I said, " ma'am , i'm not trying to get fresh with you here , but I need to lift up your shirt and place these stickers on your torso." And she said , "Honey, im 83 years old. I'd just be glad someone is getting some use out of the damn things." 🤣
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u/Chicken_Hairs 2d ago
I absolutely love old women. At least, the ones that aren't mad at the universe.
They give no fucks, flirt with the firefighters, just fun as hell.
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u/Vprbite PC-Paramedic 2d ago
Absolutely! And many of them are tough as army rangers. Had one fall and break her hip at the mailbox, and only call 911 because she couldn't lift herself over the threshold from the garage into the house. When I asked why she didnt call us sooner, she said "i didnt want to be a bother. Im sure you have things to do." Im like, yes. THIS is what we have to do.
Or when I was doing my clinicals as a new paramedic and would miss an I.V. they'd say "it's ok sweetheart, try again." But if you were to miss, or even you hit it perfectly but on like a twenty two year old guy wearing those like "i'm a tough guy" type of t shirts, good God. They'd wail like the world was coming down on them.
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u/metamorphage 1d ago
My mother in law didn't want to "bother the nurse" for prn nausea medicine after having a PPM placed for Mobitz II heart block. I was like "I'm a nurse. This is literally what we're here for. Please call the nurse for your meds."
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u/GermanM1ssy 2d ago
Psych patient told me he was airdropped from the sky on a mission from god to piss off the planet and based on the heavy law enforcement presence we had with us, I think it must've been working.
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u/ImGCS3fromETOH 2d ago edited 2d ago
Australian here. I transported a psych patient who was on an assessment order from the mental health team compelling him to come into the psych ward for treatment because he wasn't sticking with the plan living in the community. He responded by starting a siege in his house requiring police to get him out.
After some time police eventually force entry and he immediately gives up but is belligerent the entire time. He gets on our stretcher, but the police want to search him to be sure he's got nothing dangerous and find a small china box. Like a delicate little trinket box or something. Thinking he got a stash of drugs in it they confiscate it to check what's inside and old mate goes berserk.
"Don't touch that," he's screaming. "It's for the Queen," meaning the British monarch Queen Elizabeth II who was still on the throne at the time and still the Queen of Australia. Turns out there's nothing inside and it's just a delicate, pretty little china trinket box. They give it back to him and he's declaring, "You better not have broken it. You know how much it's worth. A trillion dollars!"
We run him up to the hospital with a cop in the back to keep him under control, but it's the height of covid and procedures for where we go into the hospital have just changed. We're not too sure where we're supposed to take him so we park outside and my partner goes in to give them the story and find out where they want us.
Meanwhile old mate is giving shit to the copper and generally being a pain in the arse. Part way through his ramblings he insisted the Queen is going to hear about this. Then he asks if he can use his phone to tweet her and tell her. The cop tells him to go ahead. If he's busy tweeting on Twitter he's not being a nuisance to us.
He dictates his message to us informing the Queen that he's trapped in an ambulance and he wants her to do something about it. Then he shows the cop his message to prove he's just ratted us out to the head of the British Empire and we were going to be in big trouble once Lizzy checks her messages.
The cop looks at the message, and who is directed to. The HMS Queen Elizabeth. He says, "That's not the Queen. You're tweeting a ship in the British Royal Navy."
We're trying to remain professional but both the copper and I are chuckling our arses off at the thought of some social media manager in the British Navy getting tweets from a psych patient complaining about being trapped in an ambulance in Australia and begging for help.
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u/Atilla_Da_Nun 2d ago
"please stop hitting me it hurts". As I walk in on a jailer doing the best compressions I've ever seen on an inmate.
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u/becauseracecar91 2d ago
Not a patient but my partner. We’re on a suicide, guy hanged himself on a Saturday and it’s now a Thursday, so it’s a pretty gross scene with the longest neck I’ve ever seen. Soon to be ex wife finds him so she’s obviously a mess. After I pronounce the guy, we’re just bullshitting with the cops and wrapping stuff up. We started heading back to the truck and my partner just deadpan says to anyone within earshot “alright you guys hang in there” I’ve never worked so hard to stifle laughter in my life.
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u/ATastyBagel 2d ago
Doing a shift in the OR during class for intubations and airway management practice. As the anesthesiologist was pushing the propofol the patient said “The Micheal Jackson Juice”.
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u/alanamil EMT-P retired and miss the boo-boo bus so much! 2d ago
I said the Michael Jackson milk to mine
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u/fuckberzzyy 2d ago
psych patient kept talking about how small his “pecker” is and how much it has shrunken over the years
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u/Historical-Use2013 2d ago
SSRIs, antipsychotics, and stimulants do infact shrink male genitals over time.
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u/OhLookAnotherTankie 2d ago
Fukn WHAT??
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u/Morrison1j 2d ago
Patient who was on a section, broke down the door and all, kept calling everyone needle dick. Fine. We ignore her. Drop off at the ED and she yells over to the cop… hey needle dick! And he actually turned around knowing she was talking to him. Took everything I had not to burst out laughing that he looked when she said it. Now everytime I see him I whisper needle dick to me. We get a good laugh.
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u/dark_sansa 2d ago
Reminds me of this scene from Fleabag lol. I love it when people answer to insults.
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u/Impossible_Cupcake31 2d ago
I’ve gotten called a charcoal briquette before and the ONLY reason I knew what he was talking about was because I watched the Sopranos lmao
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u/dark_sansa 1d ago
I assume that’s another racial slur towards black people? Italian-Americans have a lot of those. Another one is the Italian word for eggplant which I don’t know how to spell.
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u/Atlas_Fortis Paramedic - Texas 2d ago
After running into another car, and then driving her car into a house chasing someone who I'm fairly certain never existed, I had a 65yof who was fairly intoxicated tell me "my Bi-Polar is too much for my God dammed meds!" and boy did I believe her.
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u/the_jenerator 2d ago
85 yo granny-type patient asks if I want to see her new tattoo. That she just got a tattoo of a mouse. Unfortunately I said sure. Next thing I know she yanks down the front of her pants so that I have a front row visual of her full, gray bush, and points to a spot right above it and says, “see?!” I look and there’s nothing there. She says, “yes it’s right here” and keeps pointing. I lean in a little closer, “ma’am there’s no mouse there”. Her: “oh, I guess my pussy ate it.” 💀
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u/OddAd9915 Paramedic (UK) 2d ago
An MH patient who told me Prince Philip was not only a vampire but was actually Count Dracula.
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u/productofphi 2d ago
During my ER clinicals I was helping an elderly lady, probably in her 70s or 80s, get changed into a hospital gown. The nurse I was with said “ok, now we’re just gonna roll you towards me and I’m gonna have our student help unhook your bra” and she just yelled “HE WONT KNOW HOW TO DO THAT HES JUST A TEENAGER” (for context I am a man in his late 20s with a wife). Funniest shit I’ve ever heard out of a patients mouth, we all had a good laugh about that one.
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u/Anonymous_Chipmunk Critical Care Paramedic 2d ago
An old man was complaining about being old. He told me "I wouldn't have to worry about it if the damn Japs could shoot straight."
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u/chronic_hemmorhoids 2d ago edited 2d ago
Been doing this for 13 years now. Just like everyone else, I’ve been called every single mean/vulgar name in the book. It doesn’t phase me when pts say mean things to me and the absolute most that I give people is an eye roll when they’re being extremely difficult. But… The unique insults can still get a chuckle out of me lol. There’s one in particular that sticks out to me because it’s so juvenile and so stupid. It cracked me the hell up just because I wasn’t expecting it after being called cuss words my entire career. For background context: I wear eyeglasses. I’m nearsighted.
About 2 years ago, I was walking down the hallway of an ER towards the EMS bay. There a was a psych pt who was on a legal in a hallway bed that I had to walk past in order to get to the EMS bay. He was a ~30y/o white M, sitting fowlers, big frown on his face, arms crossed, looking down, wearing his pretty green gown and his yellow grippy socks. I had never seen this man or spoken to him before in my life.
I’m walking past him, minding my own business, not even looking his way, when he says under his breath, “….fuckin four-eyes.” I kept walking but I let out a pretty hard laugh for a sec. I also walked past the charge who asked what I was giggling to myself about. I told him & he was just as tickled pink as I was. He called me four eyes every time I saw him after that lol.
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u/reellifesmartass EMT 2d ago
This wasn't something a pt said, but just circumstances I will never forget.
So I was on the engine that day and we got dispatched to a 60ish YOF who fell. We beat the medic unit since they were coming from the hospital from a previous call, and got her picked up. Around the time the ambulance shows up the USA vs Canada hockey game starts on the patient's TV. They start asking the basic assessment questions then the first fight starts. At first me and my captain were watching it to give the medic space to get his assessment and refusal signed and what not, by the third fight all of us, INCLUDING THE PATIENT, were too focused on the fights to continue patient care. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard on a scene. Funniest part is that she wasn't even a hockey fan, it just came on after the evening news.
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u/Prior-Barnacle7713 2d ago
Dispatched to a private residence at 2am in the morning. We arrive at the house and a man immediately walks out the front door. Man walks straight past me with no introduction. Turns back and says "I am not gay or anything but there is a Dildo stuck up my arse, it's been operating for 2 hours!"
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u/BettyboopRNMedic 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not from a patient directly, but from a call.
I was working the truck and I had a female patient who I asked "is there any chance you could be pregnant", and she seemed to be dodging the question. I told her it's really important to know because I want to give you medication, but if you are pregnant it could cause harm to the baby. Patient finally says "I was trying to avoid telling you this, but I'm a lesbian, so there is truly no chance I am pregnant". I say ok, thank you for your honestly, and carry on with care.
After the call I was talking to my partner about how I couldn't figure out why this patient wouldn't just say that in the first place, and without thinking I said "Jesus, why didn't she just tell me right from the get go that she was a lesbian, I don't understand why she had to beat around the bush".
We both died laughing!
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u/chuckfinley79 2d ago
Either an 80-something old man who picked at a scab on his scrotum and it started bleeding. He called the station on the direct office line not 911. From the time I picked up the phone to the time I walked out of his hospital room I think he said the word “scrotum” at least 10,000 times.
Or one of many an old woman’s comments about their boobs.
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u/pushingup_daisies 2d ago
Someone said “gee willikers” genuinely the other day and that was really good.
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u/Fictionchick1 2d ago
I ripped a silent but deadly one in the back of the bus. 13 year old psych patient says, "what the fuck was that? Smells like eggs." My medic looks to the front and says to the emt driving, "did you just fart?" I looked into the trash can and said "whatever it is, it's not coming from in here." Nobody will ever know.
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u/Calarague 2d ago
Had this lovely little old lady we picked up, very proper like probably went to finishing school type to learn how to properly wear a hat kinda person. Anyway, ED is slammed that day, waiting room is packed, lots of crews waiting with patients. We're sitting there just making idle chit chat while waiting for a bed to clear up. This perfectly polite lady asks me: "Would you like me to tell you a joke?" Of course I say yes.
"Why doesn't Santa have any children? "
" Not sure, why doesn't he?"
" Because he only comes once a year and it's always down the chimney".
Of course she says this loud enough that everyone in the EMS waiting area hears. Now there are a dozen paramedics all grappling with the juxtaposition of this incredibly prim and proper lady telling this shockingly blue joke while wiping away tears and stifling their laughter.
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u/Lavendarschmavendar 2d ago
Not much of a story but i had a patient get bit by a vampire. He had legit lacerations on him too. He had some mental problems and likely got in a scuffle but he legit believed he was bit by a vampire
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u/MrWhiteDelight 2d ago
ETOH 20 yo male who was the passenger in an MVA. Serious enough to justify a trip to the local trauma center but nothing major. Kid was wasted. He was being pretty funny considering, but I told him that when we got to the ER the MD was going to stick a finger up his ass. He kept asking if he could pick the doctor, and he was embarrassed because he hadn't shaved his ass in a while.
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u/Cold_Refuse_7236 2d ago
“Two men, a girl, a gun & a bat; ain’t no good can come of that”. He had the bat, & lost.
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u/Cold_Refuse_7236 2d ago
“Two guys, a girl, a gun & a bat; ain’t no good can come of that”. He had the bat, & lost.
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u/AggressiveCoast190 2d ago
What happened to your face man!?
“Well I tell you brother I was trying to diddle her bitty bits with my hangdown and she done turnt and hit me in the face with a smoothie!!!”
60s black male in Chicago. Trying to play with her vagina with his penis and she hit him in the face with the clothing iron.
History also includes sweet blood, high blood and a childhood case of the man and Jesus.
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u/ConeZilla94 2d ago
Picked up a 30ish male from a train station @ 2am with calf pain. Pt had a decent wound infection the leg was very swollen and red. Told us that he has been buying and drinking Kombucha for a couple of weeks for all the probiotics,as it had the biotics in it and thought it was Antibiotics
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u/Paramedic237 1d ago
Old woman looked up at my bald partner and went "oh good, the state troopers are here!" Dead serious. Made me cry laughing.
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u/Foreign_Watercress71 1d ago
"...and I can't even jump in front of a train to end it all because I've got one of those god-damned ICD implants!"
I was like.... Yeah
Very dark, but quite fun
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u/Dirty_Diesels 1d ago
The “nurse” family member of the patient told the patient he could take Midol since he ran out of his Lasix because “it helps with bloating and it’s the same as swelling”. He literally called 911 just to ask us to call her and cuss her out and call her a stupid bitch. I’ve never obliged a patient’s request so fast in my life.
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u/firemanfromcanada ACP 1d ago
One of the funniest was the other day. Transporting a late 60s person with severe back issues for more surgery. Basically maxed on opiods. Went with ketamine with good effect, but after a half hour all I hear is, "I'm not sure if the plan was to get me fucked up, but I'm pretty fucked up right now".
Not what I expected out of someone that age
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1d ago
Asked an old lady pt who the president was, after a bit of trying to convince her that is was not Regan (in 2021), she looked me dead in the sould and goes "it's not a woman, is it?" and looked genuienly terrefied.
Another great one was the car crash victim we were loading into the helicopter and he wouldnt stop yelling about how much he had to pee but he couldnt do it on the stretcher because his prostate was so massive.
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u/George_T-Stagg 1d ago
Pt on the floor having a " seizure " in PD custody. I got out the rectal diazepam told the officer to spread the ass cheeks and I'm gonna stick this up there ...and the guy screamed " fk na leave my ass alone I'm fine, I promise, I was lying please don't put anything in my ass" even people in cuffs sitting nearby had a good giggle with the cops and my crew.
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u/George_T-Stagg 1d ago
80y/o F saw my ring and asked about my marriage.... pt then looks at my crew mate and says" you not married then" ?
crew mate says " No I'm not"
pt says " So you gay then" ?
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u/krzysztofgetthewings 1d ago
Dude was slightly under the influence, tripped and fell, got a little banged up. He said he wasn't a fan of hospitals, but asked if they had some good looking nurses. I told them they did. The 5-7 minute ride to the hospital was a constant flip flop from being afraid of hospitals to looking forward to seeing the sexy nurses.
Dude: * starts crying * Man, I don't want to go to the hospital no more, man.
Me: Hey man, you don't want all them hot nurses to see you crying do you?
Dude: * instantly calmed * Aight, B.
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u/_Obitchuary_ 13h ago
Had a 32yo m detox pt in the back having a rough go (who had apparently been in the drunk tank night before for blowing a 0.3 the previous night and was able to self ambulate but w/e…)
Anyways he is cooperative but pauses mid sentence and then asks my partner if she would play “Landslides” karaoke version. My partner gives me that wtf look but then it kind of turns into a fuck it look and she plays it on her phone.
This guy BELTS landslides passionately and full volume (and was low key not bad)…pauses and breaks down crying during the bridge…then pulls himself together and finishes strong. Looks up and goes “just wanted to sing for you guys”. My partner and I clap.
Later she’s like “I been doing thing for 25 years and never in my life has anything like that happened”. It was awesome and such a shift highlight lol.
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u/VortistheSlaver 13h ago
I picked up a 90 something year old woman once.
Patient: if there’s a drug dealer on one corner, and a prostitute on the other, which one makes more money?
Me: Which one?
Patient: The one with the better crack.
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u/Human_Spice PC-Paramedic 9h ago
Prepping an IV on a male in his late 50s. Very timid, quiet guy. Wasn't giving much info on anything. Vitals were normal, he's a&o x4.
I opened the drawer and grabbed an 18g, and he looked over and said "Oh don't let me see where those are". I thought maybe he's just afraid of needles. But he cut me off to ask for a bigger needle. Weird. I ask why. "I might choke on the small ones".
I had no idea how to respond to that. After a minute I did clarify it was going in his arm, nowhere near his mouth. He just said "oh that's good. But make sure I don't grab a small one when you're not looking".
I said okay and he didn't really say much else. I still have absolutely no idea what he was talking about.
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u/Seanpat68 7h ago
We have a regular we take out to her kids car for dialysis twice a day three times a week. I have to warn guys from other houses detailed in because she says some off the wall stuff. Most recent was in response to being asked to keep her legs on the stair chair “I’m going to try and not kick you but I know you Irish don’t have much down there to begin with. Though ya know how to use your mouth.”
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u/NoCountryForOld_Zen 2d ago
I don't remember. But I'll tell you one from yesterday.
Yesterday we had a dementia patient who brought his stuffed cat to the hospital. We spent a good while going back and forth about it, joking about his cat. "He's friendly!" Hahah im sure he is haha. "They got cat food at the hospital dont they?" Haha no doubt man, probably all hospital food taste like catfood anyway haha. Im walking out of his hospital room and he says "hey wait... can you close the door? I dont want him to get out." Extremely earnestly. I thought he was joking around this whole time but he really, truly believes this cat is real and I've just been laughing at an old man like a jerk/psychopath.
"Sure thing, man." I said. I shut the door. I peer at his paperwork from his nursing home.
"Dementia with new onset hallucinations" was what they wrote down as their chief complaint and reason for transfer. He said he just recently got his kitty.