I've been a paramedic for almost 15 years. I'm fortunate not to be burnt out, love my job, have good work:life balance, and have good mental health. But in June, on my birthday, I ran a call that would change me.
We were paged to a road where it crossed a creek (a common place for people to recreate) for a drowning. When we arrived a first responder was doing CPR on a 10 year old girl. She had been walking along the road when she slipped, fell into the upstream side and was sucked into a metal culvert under the road where she became entrapped for 5-10 minutes.
We resuscitated her on scene, did excellent patient care, and everyone executed flawlessly. I was truly proud of how our team performed that day. We obtained ROSC and transported her to a nearby LZ for a 25 minute flight to the nearest hospital.
She has since been transferred to a children's hospital where she stayed for over a month before moving to a rehab. She is currently vented with a trach, has minimal conscious activity, but does apparently have sleep and wake cycles, and some movement.
I struggled with this call for a while. This isn't my first pediatric call, they all suck, but this one was different. I live in a very small community and, unbeknownst to me, this family was very prominent. Everyone knows them. Everyone. The story was all over the Internet. Not just locally, but regionally. I couldn't escape coverage of it. Even now a few months later it's still everywhere. Signs, tshirts, gatherings, fundraisers, etc. I'm okay with all of that, but it does mean there's no "ignoring it."
For several weeks, maybe a month, things were hard. I struggled a lot. One day I was overcome with guilt. It was so hard to explain. It felt like survivors guilt, but I called it "rescuers guilt." I felt guilty to her parents. Not only did we not save your daughter, but she didn't get to die. She, and you, are left hanging in the middle. I understand rationally the chance of survival and the practicality of the situation. But I felt so guilty. I cried a lot that day. That was also the day I decided to use our EAP and get help.
I'm doing much better now. My therapist has helped my process my emotions and the trauma, but it's still a work in progress. I just wanted to post this because it would help me process, but also don't want anyone else burying themself in guilt for doing a great job against immovable odds. No matter what you're feeling, it's justified. Don't be afraid to seek help and talk it out. You're out there doing amazing things every day, don't hang your hat just on the big ones.
PS: I had a set back yesterday. I got dispatched to a drowning at the exact same crossing. It was an adult this time. Importantly for me, I handled it well. I was shook for a few minutes while we were responding, but I had managed it before we got there and again, our team did great. He will survive.