-i’ve had a lot of hate building for this person for a really long time, just letting a very small bit out.

how? just how?? how could you pretend to be a normal human after raping me and using me like a toy for months?? how could you look my parents and my family in the eye every single day acting like you haven’t been grooming me the night before? i always wondered how but i guess your a person who really has no fucking heart, hell was created for people like you you fucking old saggy piece of shit, how could you? how could you finger an 8 year old boy so hard to the point where he’s sobbing in tears? and then just shut him up and continue? how could you rape me like it was nothing? your such a fucking sick person, and you have kids too, somehow, how could you look down at the 8 year old boy i was while he was crying and sobbing begging you to stop but you just continued and smiled, how could you use all your kinks on a fucking child, you ruined me and you ruined my fucking brain since i was 8 years old YOU RAPED AND USED A 8 YEAR OLDS DICK AND BODY FOR YOU SATISFACTION FOR MONTHS YOUR THE SICKEST FUCK IVE EVER KNOWN, i hope you’ve never done it to other kids but i always wonder if you have, what if i actually said something and could’ve stopped you?? am i the reason your doing this to other kids?? i have so many questions, you deserve hell, you deserve to die the most painful fucking death ever, you’ve ruined me till this day, every day i’m disgusted with myself, every day i feel your hands on me, every day i feel you fucking me, every day i can still feel the taste of my own cum you force fed me, you’ve given me permanent truama and no chance of anyone every loving me, i hope your life went downhill, you deserve fucking nothing and i hope your struggling more than me somehow, i’m writing this acting like it will make a difference, but in reality you took everything away from me at 8 years old, i completely hate myself and it’s because of you, your the reason for my hs and my sh, at least your the root cause and i hope you burn in this life and the after life, your a fucking monster, i still get nightmares of you using me like a sex toy, really fucking vivid nightmares, i barley sleep at night because of you, how could you?? how could you use a child like that, here i fucking am at 3am writing this ALONE WHY? because no one would fucking understand me, burn in hell maria, fucking burn in hell. i still see your ugly face every single day, i can’t get it out of my head, i hate myself and i hate that i can’t control myself or kinks because of you, i fucking hate you with all my heart maria.

I was raped a few months back and then raped again last week. The second one I instigated because the only thing I feel like I’m worth is to be raped.

Doctors dismissed me. Police just dealt with that “gay guy,” and all one psychiatrist wanted to talk about was “my decisions I made that led to my assault.”

I went to camping this weekend and hiking to see if I could clear my mind, but it made it worse because I was alone and all I could think about was my guilt and now a parent fetish for being abuse. I’ve lost my friends many family members and I’m just lost.

I’d like to think this gets better from where I am. It’s a really hard mountain to climb.

I know many people that don’t think men can be raped. But we can be.

😢

I was stealthed by a man who agreed with me to use condoms and even chose them out with me. he stuck it in without one when i was on my stomach and couldn’t see anything. i’ve offended people by calling it rape. idk how to feel. i feel guilty for ever calling it rape since it is debatable. what do you guys think?

edit: legality aside, i guess im asking more on a moral level.

It feels like so many doors are closed to me in my life because of what that asshole did to me.

Long story short - my stepfather undressed me, took pictures, groped and enjoyed me in different ways (with my mom's silent consent) for more than 5 years, starting with age 12.

I left their home at 18 and I model (self employed) to put food on my table.

My mom was a model, she at least helped me with kickstarting my career.

Recently, I got an agent and I had my first photoshoot with a real actual team of photographers. People. Strangers. Until now my portfolio consisted only of photos taken by my mom, my aunt (she was a model too and is now a pro photographer) or by myself in my own little home studio.

It was nothing crazy, just dresses, streetwear and some sexy clothing like a mini skirt and tank top...

I had such a hard time finishing that session...

I was going through flashback after flashback, trembling, asking for water etc... I just said I am shy but it got to the point where they were really annoyed by my behavior.

I don't know if I can go through a bikini and lingerie session in those circumstances.

Basically I have to stick to what I can do myself or with help from someone close that I know and trust.

But serious agencies don't work remote except with superstar models, not an 18 year old nobody like me.

But if I do anything more than a headshot my PTSD kicks in...

It stems from my OCD - a need for control. The control that I lose when someone else does something like take my picture without me directing it.

I've had some DM's here from a guy justifying rape, saying his daughter enjoyed it and frequently comes back to him for more now that she's an adult.

Rape destroys who you are and replaces you with someone/something else.

I'm sorry but if you're a rapist you should find therapy.

I talked a lot with my therapist and previous ones about it and and with a few people who know about what happened and all had some different views and opinions on that. I also don’t know the answer, so I hope I might get a answer here or a tendency to it. I wonder if it’s ever possible to overcome the trauma and the pain from the rape and sexual assault that I experienced as a teenager? It’s been already a few years since it happened but it feels like it damaged me mentally so much that i question sometimes if there is a solution. I ask myself if it’s even worth living and feel often worthless and sometimes even wanna be talked to like this by others. It makes me feel sick of myself sometimes. Is there a good therapy or method to ever overcome the past trauma. Some even said I should accept what it made with me and just embrace it? Is that the true way? I don’t know, I just feel lost and weak mentally those days.

Any recommendations for books or materials to have your spouse read to help them understand the long term effects of you being raped? I feel like it would be helpful if my husband could read something that broke it down in someway simple terms. It feels impossible to explain why small things send me into a tailspin.

Sorry if this is a bit messy, l'm still feeling conflicted and very sad. I'm a F24, and l've been friends with this guy M23 for about a year now. Last month, we started casually hooking up. So that slightly shifted our dynamic, we don't talk at all anymore outside just hooking up or hanging out.

Two days ago, I was invited to his birthday. During the night, one of his friends sat close to me and started touching my arm weirdly, which made me uncomfortable, so I stepped out to smoke as an excuse to leave. I kept my distance for the rest of the night and sat close to my friend. Eventually, everyone went home, and I was a bit drunk, so I slept over at my friend's place like I sometimes do. The same creepy guy stayed for a bit on the couch, but I didn't think much of it-l assumed he just wanted to sober up before leaving. I fell asleep with my friend beside me on the bed, facing him.

I woke up to a hand on my chest and thought it was my friend, so I swatted it away and went back to sleep. But then I woke up again to someone still groping my chest, and that's when I realized it wasn't my friend cause the hand came from behind me when he pulled his hand away, When I looked, it was the same guy from earlier. I couldn't speak or move, I was so drunk and my eyes kept shutting. He kept caressing my arm and then eventually left. After he left, I couldn't fall back asleep.

My eyes kept shutting on their own, and my body felt heavy and sluggish, like I couldn't move even though I wanted to. I just lay there frozen, feeling sick and unsettled. It probably looked like I was asleep. My friend was dead asleep. When I finally woke up properly, I told my friend what happened. He said he'd talk to his friend, but also told me to "make sure I was telling the truth," which made me feel awful. He even mentioned this is how his friend usually gets girls, which I didn't understand at first. Then moved on talking about other stuff it felt really dismissive

On my way home I felt like I was floating and completely lost. Once I was alone in my room, the weight of it all hit me, terrible hangover and deep sadness, I felt disgusting, small and uncared for. I felt like a sad little girl again. I texted my friend to tell him how disappointed I was with his lack of concern. He responded with multiple messages apologizing, saying he was in shock and really hungover at the time, and that he would speak to his friend properly about what happened. Even so, I can't shake the feeling that my experience is being downplayed. Part of me wants to cut him off, but another part feels sad at the thought of losing him. I still haven't responded. I think he is still keeping his friend.

I started attending a community. A guy shamed me and made r--- jokes to me and intimidated me by telling me things about me others didn't know. He made it clear that he knows who a few times managed to drug me and to gain money by selling me (making guys in town ra--ng me for money).

There are many decent people in this community, but I feel like these depraved would make me want to feel shame again to isolate me. When I am isolated I'm more vulnerable and more at risk to be in situations when I get drugged and exploited. The drugging happens in so many ways (even milk has been drugged before) because it's profitable business to get me sold and r---d.

Police is useless, do not mention the police. 100% some police officers have been "clients".

I need support from you

I was raped multiple times by my ex in the past and recently. I hate him so much for what he did.. how could u go from someone who care about me and who I love to someone who betray me in the worse way.. ugh just can’t deal with it anymore :( xx

my boyfriend said something tonight he didn’t mean badly but it’s the exact thing my ex used to justify raping me and i can’t stop shaking. he’s asleep right next to me and i feel so scared of him??? like i know he wouldn’t hurt me but my brain is screaming that i’m not safe. i already threw up from how on edge i feel.

i can’t bring myself to even be near him, i’m pressed against the edge of the bed and i’m scared to fall asleep just in case. like what if i wake up and it’s the same as before? i keep looking at him and seeing my ex and i feel sick.

what do i even do?? do i sleep on the sofa?? do i leave?? i feel like i’m punishing him by reacting like this but i can’t stop it. i just want to feel safe and i don’t.

So I know I’ve posted a couple times on here. I’ve been doing better since then. I’ve stopped triggering myself with content I don’t want to see (awful, misogynistic subs I was basically torturing myself with). I did have awful, vivid memories of the assault I experienced as a child, and I think I remember most of it. But I’ve been able to start processing what happened and stop doubting myself on IF it actually happened so much (I know for sure it did… but self doubt is persistent).

Anyways… I went on a road trip with my dad a week ago (it doesn’t involve him). I’m an adult and I don’t get opportunities like that very often to spend a lot of time with him. We ended up in our destination city at about 1:00 am and he parked the car on the street outside of the hotel. It’s a city in Europe (I am located in Europe) so the hotel was more of a house that had been renovated into a hotel. Super cute, not a lot of rooms, and in a more residential area.

I decided to stay in the car while he checked in since it seemed like a relatively safe area and if something happened the hotel was right there. He locked the car and went inside. For context the front door of the hotel was open and the check in was facing in a way so that he could see me if he glanced over. We left the windows down slightly since it was a nice night and the car was kind of stuffy.

A man came walking up about a minute after my dad went inside. He kept asking “can I kiss you” in this country’s native language (I will not be sharing the country for personal reasons) and kept coming closer to the driver’s side of the car. I didn’t understand what he was saying since I don’t speak this language, but I kept shaking my head and saying no anyways. Nothing good can come from a man walking up to you at 1:00 am.

It got to the point where even though I was being firm he realized I didn’t understand what he was saying and he kept pointing to his lips. He was eyeing me up and it made my skin crawl. He got closer and closer to the driver’s side of the car and I was ready to jump out and make a run for the hotel if he got any closer. After what can’t have been more than one minute of this but what felt like forever, my dad saw and came outside with a man who was helping him check in. The man who worked at the hotel started talking to the creep in this language and the guy feigned innocence, asking for directions. He left after that and didn’t come back, and my dad didn’t leave my side after that which I appreciate, especially because I think he could tell I was shaken up.

I cried in the hotel bathroom that night when brushing my teeth. I was still shaking when I went to bed and I kept hearing that man’s voice bounce around in my head.

Anyways… it was a minor incident, right? A creep finding a fem presenting person in the middle of the night and thinking he could do whatever he wanted. But my brain keeps running through all the ways it could have gone and what he was going to do once he got all the way to the driver’s side window, where he could have shoved his arm in enough to unlock the car and get in.

I keep thinking about it. I haven’t stopped. When I try to go to sleep at night I hear his voice in my head still. He had a creepy fucking voice. It’s so strange to me because I’ve been harassed before. I’ve been groped in public before and didn’t have the same persisting memories of it.

I guess I just needed to type it out. Maybe this will help. Journaling hasn’t done enough for me so maybe sharing it in a safe space will do more.

Tldr; I had a minor experience with harassment from a man and it shook me up badly. Worse than usual. I’m having trouble coping with it in a way that doesn’t usually happen to me.

Advice is appreciated but not expected, it would be fine with me if nobody ever read this. Like I said I’m just hoping typing it all out will help.

This feels jumbled today. Right now. There I was in my room again and just like last time he came to tell me the food was ready. I froze. I was nervous and turned on at the same time. Why do I keep feeling like this? Why won't it leave my head. Sorry if this makes no sense.

I have gotten used it now, I would say. The way it happens. He comes, asks me to undress and he just does it.

Now, I just comply. Earlier, especially on our wedding night, I had cried and screamed. And even days after that. It's almost a few months now that I feel nothing at all.

And now, it bothers him that I don't react. Ever since he felt that I am quiet, he physically hurts me so I cry or do something.

He calls me a dead body. And other names.

Anyone who has been victim of some sort of organised crime that involved sexual esploitation or one-off r---s? It doesn't have to be big mafia, it can be a group of people

For most of middle school and part of high school, my father sexually assaulted me. Since he was my only living parent, I was afraid to say anything about it, and didn't even tell anyone else until years after it happened. Tbh, I find it easier to talk about it online, because looking at someone and telling them what happened makes me feel too exposed. But I'm just now realizing how keeping completely silent about it has damaged me.

I was relentlessly raped and sexually abused as a child for like a year thus I'm entirely destroyed. I'm also asd so I might be weird on how I form sentences. Sorry.

Just a week ago I was told that my pedophile and his friends have finally died and OH MY HOLY GOD it feels like my entire existence have reborn anew. I have this indescribable amount of joy and happiness and relief inflating me like a balloon I feel like flying. Having rid of the hatred and pain that thing have caused me...Think I'm starting my life just yet.

But I have no idea how to. Been living the past 15 years(m25 now) absolutely disoriented and depressed. I didn't even get to graduate highschool. Got 4k debt in credit card, no degrees, no stable job, overweight, sometimes live in my car, depression relapses that shut me down, anxiety spike whenever I get around people. It's true that I now have enough energy to improve all these and I will. But...could anyone point me where should I start?

The good news is my parents have admitted their mistakes of negligence regarding the rapist thing and they want me back. So I think moving in with them could save me the rent food and utility fees. Father even promised to support me for a year to do whatever I need to but after that I must get back on my feet and work. (Yeah we're Asian).

I seriously lack knowledges about the current state of the world and how should I start make a living with the mental illness still haunting me.

To my limited understanding, I should get help from therapist first but I have 0 idea where and how to find them. And the cost is also a problem. Then I must get stable jobs yet without degrees or a US highschool diploma the available options are very limited and I've basically tried them all but liked none of them. The only skill I have is forklift driving(I did 1 year without certificate btw) and I HATED the noise and labor about it. Is there any job that allows you to work alone in peace? Should I get myself into a paid internship program to study while getting paid and guarantee a job? Which type of job could be most fitting for my case? Sorry I really can't figure this out by Googling and asking AIs.

Hi this is my first post but just a few minutes ago I hung out with a boy from my school we used to talk previously. I stopped speaking to him because it wasn't going but we remained friends. I am a grade above him but he is older so he asked me for tutoring. He called me and asks for help and I agreed but reminded him I am talking to someone and I do not want to have sex with him. I reminded him 2 more times as soon as he got there. He ended up saying he just wanted to hang out and he didn't need help we walked around and sat on a bench and he kept pressing himself on me and I told him stop. He kept trying to move my pants and ask to go inside and I said no multiple times again. Then I said just chill because he promised we would only talk and I brought up I am talking to someone. We talk and he tries to kiss me and I say no and he keeps asking me for "head". Allow me to preface I told him before this has happened that it's hard for me to say no when I'm in high tension situations and I tend to be a people pleaser. He promised he would never do that to me and that he would respect my no since I was working on myself a few weeks before this. He then turns me and I keep saying no and he slides his penis in and I tell him stop and push him. I started to cry and he started to feel bad and I wasn't even crying about myself I was crying that I felt bad for who I was talking to and looking back I was so stressed I didn't even focus on how upset I was that this is happening. He continued to try to say stop crying and then when I stop he asks me if I'm going to tell anyone and I say no. He begins to try to do it again and turns me around I keep saying stop I'm talking to someone and he just says "fuck him" and at this point I have given in. I told him after I pulled up my pants I hated him and walked back home and to never talk to me again. I feel like all my work is destroyed I opened up to this boy about how im working on myself and to please don't put me in situations like that and he still did. Is this my fault? Should I have done more?? I feel bad for myself but I hate feeling like I betrayed my body and the boy who I like now. please just help me out and lmk if I'm wrong

i can’t seem to escape the memories of strangers hands, mouths, dicks. it’s like a movie you wish you could pause or stop, but it’s playing in the background every second of every day. one day, with proper therapy, i will be better than this. but times like these are hard. i sometimes think about certain men when i’m alone. i’m not proud but i’ve never been in a relationship. i dont know proper loving and care. just these men who pretend to love my mom just to harm me.. /: some said they loved me and were gentle but others said they loved me and took me brutally.

Hi i recently got the word of my younger sister 19 being raped by a 27 years old. And aside from supporting her is there anything i can do she doesn't want to go to court for now and i can probably get his address by digging a bit i am young and my future is starting to unveil in front of me (21) my mom wants me to succeed but the idea of calling some friend to make this guy pay is slowly finding its way into my head. He is studying to be a teacher can you imagine i can try to write or call his university to warn them of his behaviour but i dont know what is right sorry if this post is not well structured im a bit confused right now.