I have called this press conference to address critiques made against Derek Hardiman from {Return All by Eve Dangerfield}. I am not here to defend Derek without reserve. Derek, like all people, has his faults. He makes his fair share of mistakes and misjudgments, some more ugly than others. While I do not want to excuse his bad actions, it is my hope to explain some of them and to show that Derek deserved his HEA. And that HEA could have only been with Mara.
I will open the floor to questions.
(Yes, there will be spoilers.)
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Q: Isn't it true that Derek betrayed young Mara by leaving her behind and not showing up?
Was it shitty that Derek left Mara to fend for herself? Yes. Was it shitty that she had to deal with her grandma's death alone? Definitely. Was it shitty that Derek responded to Mara photo text in a way that was dismissive? Sure.
But let me ask you thisāhow was Derek supposed to know from one picture text with no other information what exactly she needed and wanted? How was he supposed to know how bad things got with Mara when she didnāt tell him anything? Despite the bond they shared, he wasn't a fucking mind reader.
And even then, he somehow figured it out and showed up. But by then, she was already gone. She never even gave him a chance to make up for his mistake. She left him too. Only she did so for 10 years without any way of him finding or contacting her.
Do you remember when you were 18 or 19? Did you always think clearly then? Imagine having your world thrown upside down and suddenly going from having nothing to having everything? Do you think your 19-year-old self would've made the wisest decisions?
They both needed to experience the world outside of their bubble. They both needed to figure themselves out. They both fell victim to the shininess of having too many opportunities at once. And yes, they both made mistakes. That doesnāt make them bad people. It makes them human.
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Q: But Derek, as a 28-year-old man, got so upset about Mara losing her virginity with someone other than him. Isn't it kind of shitty that he made such a big deal about it?
Listen, there's no reason any man should make such a big deal about someone's virginity. Virginity is a social construct and all that. There's no excuse for him shaming Mara for it, but is that really what's going on here?
Mara also dated that Italian model. Derek was upset, but he wasn't that upset, right? He stayed mad about the virginity thing because of who Mara chose to have PIV sex with for the first time.
Mara admits herself that she hooked up with Troy to spite Derek. Troy, who was always jealous of Derek because of his football skills. Troy, who was always flirting with Mara in HS to try and steal her away from Derek. Troy, who Derek warned her to stay away from because he didnāt trust him. Troy, who is a complete dickhead and says shit like:
"Yeah, but I broke in your girlfriend."
Itās not my girlfriend, and I still want to punch Troy in the face.
Young Derek and Mara did basically every other sexual act under the sun, including *fun with cucumbers*, but for whatever reason (Mara said fear of pregnancy), Mara wasn't ready to have PIV sex during the time they were together.
Derek didn't mind. Derek didn't pressure her. (He gets no points for that. That should be a given.) But it's a betrayal that she choses to trust the one person he hated most with the one act intimacy they never broached.
Do I think that Mara should've gone all the way to Melbourne to beg him to take her virginity? No, not really. Mara didnāt owe Derek anything at that point. It would be completely unfair to put the burden of their relationship on her.
But she chose her hookup partner with the intention of hurting Derek. And it did. It just hit the target 10 years late.
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Q: Fine, setting aside the virginity thing. What about the fact that Derek was mad that Mara changed, period? Didn't he resent Mara's wealth and success? We even got this quote from Derek's friend Beth:
ā[Y]ou got to be the star and she was your little supporting actress! And you left and you thought sheād hold down the fort. You were counting on it. But the opposite happened. [ā¦] Not only did Mara not stay smallāshe got so big it blew your mind. And you have no idea how to handle it, so you went all apeshit about this one guy she had sex with.ā
With all due respect to Beth, there's a lot of truth to this, but I donāt think itās the entire truth.
Yes, Derek is mad that Mara isn't the person he left behind. Yes, it was selfish of him to think she'd remain frozen in time, staying unchanged and waiting patiently for him to come back to her. The letter that Derek writes Mara shows that he, now, understands that and how it was unfair to Mara.
Now, as to the being upset that Mara is the "star"... I'm not so sure.
Derek adores Mara. He thinks Mara is wonderful and magical. Heās happy to celebrate her and put her needs first. But Derek is also deeply insecure.
He already lost her once. Heās desperately trying to win her back. He thinks he can secure her with who he's become. The money and success he's amassed.
When Derek learns that Mara doesn't need those things from him, he feels insecure about his ability to keep her. His ability to provide and take care of her. To be her ādaddy.ā
Derek and Mara's young relationship was based on, in a lot of ways, her needing him and him taking care of her as her ādaddy.ā In his mind, he can't fill that role if he can't also financially provide for her. It requires a redefining of what being "daddy" means. He was able to do relatively quickly and recognize that being Mara's unwavering emotional support was more than enough.
And, honestly, he's not that upset about it. If he was, he'd have made a bigger deal when he saw things like her Porsche that gave a little glimpse into how deep her wealth ran. In that moment, he was surprised, but he was more overwhelmed by the joy of Mara finding comfort in him. Later, he gloats to his finance guy about how heās now a kept man. He wouldnāt brag about it if he was so concerned about not having the financial upper hand.
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Q: But isn't Mara better without him? Derek doesn't even grovel.
You're right. Derek doesn't grovel. To be honest, after spending time on this sub, I'm not sure I understand what the term "grovel" means.
What I do know is that Derek apologizes, owns up to his mistakes, and shows an understanding of why his actions were hurtful. You see it in how he shows up for her. In how he promises to wait. In his letter showing that he understands how she felt and the depths of what he did to her.
He had not asked the wolf girl if she had a body made for caves. He had seen her power, but not that it would grow. And for a hill of gold, he had thrown aside the chance to rule beside his beloved in infinite darkness and delight. So, he waited at the edge of her walls. He waited as he once bid the wolf girl to wait, and he prayed that in a thousand years she might remember the children they had been and that she, of all beings in the universe, had once loved him.
I mean, come on. Come on!!
As for the "big fight," you have to remember that he was bombarded with 10-years worth of information in one night.
Mara left him in the dark for 10 years. She was able to check on him in the news (which was painful in other ways), but he was devastated by her loss. By having no means to contact her, check on her, and make sure she was okay. And yeah, he continued living the big life of a footballer, but with an absence and uncertainty in his heart. She had the upper hand there, not him.
And Mara does need him. Part of the reason that Mara shuts Derek out is not just because he left her. She does it because she wants to shut out her entire past. Her entire childhood and the ugliness it contained. She finds her opportunity to leave it all behind and lead her own glamorous life, and she, understandably, takes it.
Derek crashing back into her life forces her to face her past and reconcile her past with who she's become. Her insecurities lurk just below the surface. It didn't go away because she had more money. Because she changed her appearance. Because she had more friends. It and the ugliness of her past are a part of her, despite how much she tries to lock it away in the Dark House.
Derek accepts all of her. He thought she was gorgeous before her nose job and her boob job and her ears that stuck out. He doesn't care how she grew up or who her parents were.
Yes, it's an issue that part of him wanted her preserved in the past, but I think she needs that too, you know? She needed that acceptance of everything that she is. Both the shiny parts she shows the world and the ugly parts she tried to keep locked away. It helps her to realize that no part of her is unworthy or shameful. That she gets to choose what she does and who she is moving forward. Derekās complete acceptance of Mara empowers her.
And when Derek becomes ambassador for her non-profit, it shows the lengths in which he'll go to protect her and care for her. This man who hates being in the public eye. Who has his own ugly past that he's been trying to leave behind. Who has had a lifetime struggle with public speaking. He's willing to deal with all of that, to act as her shield against the world. It's him being her "daddy."
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Q: What about Mara? Didn't Mara compromise her values with her "gift" to Derek in the epilogue?
Did you not notice the millions of designer clothing references that was made throughout the book? Or the extremely expensive car she drives? Or all the very expensive plastic surgery she had done?
Yes, her life's mission is to ensure that low-income housing is available to people in need. To be an advocate for the poor. And yes, she feels guilty for her years of living as a socialite. She tries to assuage her guilt of having money through the work she does in her organization and spending money on others as much as she can. But she doesn't give up money completely.
Mara likes nice things. Likes going to expensive restaurants. Likes hosting elaborate parties. All that shit costs money. Maybe she never spent it in one place like that, but she wasnāt exactly being frugal before either.
It's a nice full-circle moment. And the fact that Derek isn't an insecure prick about it, and happily accepts the gift, proves that he really doesn't have an issue with the fact that Mara has more money than him.
They both grew up with nothing. They both had shitty childhoods. Let them enjoy the goddamn house.
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In summary, Derek is human. Humans make mistakes. Both he and Mara lost each other while exploring life and who they thought they wanted to be. They both learned hard lessons, but also gained things too. For Mara, independence and confidence. For Derek, perspective and understanding. And in coming back together after those years apart, they're able to accept each other completely, both in their roles as ādaddyā and ālittle missā and as independent people.
Thank you everyone for coming. That's all I have for today. If you have any further questions or comments, please leave them below.
In the meantime, I will be taking a brief Dangerfield break to give my battered heart time to recuperate, before I rewind and address Dangerfield's Begin Again Again. (No, I'm not sock-puppet for Eve Dangerfield. I just got a little to sucked into her literary world this week.)