r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Temporary_Resort_579 • 9d ago
I have a black eye right now. The comments from men have been ✨️disturbing✨️
So, I have a black eye right now, courtesy of slipping over in the shower (make sure those grip mats are stuck down, people!).
Aside from the black eye and a bruised ego, I'm fine and have been living as normal, going to work, doing the shopping, just living life.
One thing I've noticed since having a swollen dark blue and purple eye is the stark differences in reactions between men and women. I'd say around 20% of the reactions from men have been sympathetic. 100% of the women have expressed concern and sympathy.
Yesterday, I was getting some things from my local store, when two men came down the same aisle as me. One looked at the other and said "someone must've burned dinner" with a smug grin on his face. They shared a laugh and I brushed it off as ignorance.
The day after it happened, I had to go to work. I got into the staff room and was almost immediately asked by a male coworker "what did you do to make him mad?" I just rolled my eyes and walked away. Later that day at lunch, two older men were speculating how I got the shiner. "She must've pissed her boyfriend off. Women these days just aren't as obedient as they used to be." Said one. "Good women are hard to come by now. She probably did something to deserve it. Women just don't respect men anymore." Said the other.
The bar for men is so low, and yet they still somehow manage to limbo under it. Ugh.
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u/Competitive_Lion_260 9d ago
When they say disgusting things like: " what did you do to make him mad? " ASK them: " what do you mean ? "
Watch them squirm explaining a "joke" about domestic violence.
They realise it's not so funny when they have to explain it.
That really works. You put them back in their place.
This works really well with sexist jokes too.
I hope your eye gets better soon!
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u/Western_Command_385 9d ago
That's perfect, though idk if I could handle a rebuttal in the moment. I tend to freeze.
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u/PepGiraffe 9d ago edited 9d ago
That's one of the best things about this sub. Putting things in your arsenal
arsenicin case it happens to you.Edited: Fixed typo. Arsenic and arsenal are not the same things. However, if you found a way for arsenic to make sense to you, carry on.
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u/catstone21 9d ago
I don't know if you meant to say "arsenal" or not...but I love the idea of putting "things in your arsenic"!
Imma use it!
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u/Naolini 9d ago
You know what they say, some men just can't hold their arsenic.
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u/PinochetPenchant 9d ago
He had it coming
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u/chemmissed 9d ago
🎵He had it coming, he only had himself to blame 🎵
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u/Right-Today4396 9d ago
Arsenic is great to have in your arsenal, but do make sure nobody knows you have any/j
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u/AnnieSavoy3 9d ago
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic. That's what I hear, anyway.
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u/SwantimeLM 9d ago
I was just going to say that!
(Did this have anything to do with your username or is that just a fun coincidence?)
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u/bad-luck-psyduck 9d ago
Lmao I'm going to pretend arsenic was a really funny freudian slip instead of a typo 😂
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u/yagirlsamess 9d ago
I realized at my last job that freezing works really well too. The maintenance men would say something really perverted to me and I would stand there and stare at them for uncomfortably long time. After about 4 seconds they start to SQUIRM
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u/UnLioNocturno 9d ago
Not kidding. PRACTICE IT ALOUD!
Think about one of those comments and then literally say the response aloud.
It will make it much easier when it comes time to need it irl
My coworkers love my responses to rude and possibly problematic people and comment on how they wish they could say those things, but the truth is, I practice it in my down time.
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u/Whompits 9d ago
Really it works well with just about any inappropriate joke or comment. Sexist and racist jokes are particular fun, because they're more common and more likely to have supporters so you make even more people uncomfortable.
Just be careful since some people get angry when they get flustered and will lash out. Many people are subconsciously taught that feeling embarrassment is akin to being personally attacked.
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u/Lepardopterra 9d ago
The hit dog always hollers “Can’t you take a joke?” so reply “That was a joke? Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny? So explain it, please, I don’t get the humor?“ very innocently. 😇
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u/Shameless_Devil 9d ago
I'm neurodivergent and very literal so sometimes I choose a response like, "What do you mean? OH - you mean you find men assaulting women funny! That's fucked up. You might want to see a therapist about that." Boy do they get pissed. But they deserve it after trying to "joke" about violence against women.
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u/wandering-monster 9d ago
The best part about this response is that it also works for anyone in hearing distance, and people are a lot less likely to lash out when it's a second person, because then they're lashing out at a group.
I've used to handle sexist comments against a few of my team members when it's come up, and it's by far the most effective option for a male bystander to do something.
The reaction when they look over with that "hehe women amirite?" expression and get a flat, confused look and "what do you mean by that?" instead? Priceless.
Once I was actually in their management chain, so I got to press a bit when they tried to move on like "No really, what did you mean by 'it looks like a woman designed it'? Explain yourself."
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u/backpackofcats 9d ago
This has been my go-to response to offensive jokes for years.
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u/wallweasels cool. coolcoolcool. 9d ago
It's not just for jokes either. It's useful for lots of things that are generally coded, vague, or just plain ol' dog whistles.
It's like someone saying "you know THEY control the banks". Just ask "who is they?"
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u/beepbooponyournose 9d ago
I haven’t had the chance to use this since I heard about it, but it’s perfect and I always tell (especially younger) women about it!
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u/lithaborn Trans Woman 9d ago
My parents hated each other. This is exactly how my mom would respond to anything dad said. It's pretty much the only life lesson I picked up from her. If you don't want a "joke" to work, pick it apart. Works for people on the rising dunning Kruger curve end bigots, too.
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u/CoderDevo 9d ago
Those are super fucked up responses. Anyone saying that at my office would be reprimanded or fired.
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u/JarlOfPickles 9d ago
I know it's going to be your word against theirs but honestly if I were OP, I would take this to HR. These men shouldn't be making comments like that to coworkers (or anyone, but gotta start somewhere)
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u/always_unplugged 9d ago
Yes, but if these guys have a documented pattern, this could be the thing that finally tips the scales. And if they don't, it's absolutely important to start that documentation, because there's no way this was the first time and it won't be the last.
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u/DescriptionFancy420 9d ago
YES this is why I'm always a fan of reporting shit even if nothing gets done about it then. Enough reports increases the likelihood the company will finally see the liability they have on their hands and give em the chop. (But unfortunately doesn't guarantee, my SA-er at work had harassed other women before assaulting me and they reported it as did I, but that employer still didn't do shit until I told em I was going to file a police report).
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u/United-Signature-414 9d ago
I had exactly the same experience as OP as a freaking social worker in a government office full of experts on gendered violence. I think we overestimate real world protections for women.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 9d ago
We absolutely do, but one thing I have learned volunteering with abuse victims for decades is that paper trails are important. For instance- we were able to use a man's write up at work to show an overall pattern of losing his temper and get a PPO for a client. Turns out when it was documented he threatened a man a work they took our client (his wife) more seriously.
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u/BulldogMama13 9d ago
Eh, I work in the trades and I got a horrific black eye a couple years ago (crashed a scooter on a night out) and all the comments were that level and worse. “Guess you finally got put in your place” “served you right for talking back” “maybe now you’ll be a little nicer” “did (boyfriend) finally get done with your BS”
You wouldn’t guess it from that workplace either, they appear to be pretty buttoned up in most contexts.
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u/no-squid 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yes, what a strange workplace. I've worked in a lot of different places over the years, and this would be egregious in any of them.
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u/understandshe 9d ago
You are already hurt, and hearing jokes and blame hurts even more. Truly, a woman's pain is no joke. You are strong that you are enduring all this.
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u/BirdBrainuh 9d ago
Heartbreaking to think about the women who are being abused hearing comments like these 💔
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u/big_laruu 9d ago
Only to be followed up by, “why didn’t she just leave?”
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u/Porcupinetrenchcoat 9d ago
Why didn't she just pick better? /s
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u/Tomiie_Kawakami 9d ago
oh my God, the "pick better" while also "why don't you give the broke, ugly, abusive guy a chance? you could be the one to change him"
the duality of ✨men✨
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u/Avatk22 9d ago
And "Why don't you give him chance?" Becomes
"Its not that big a deal" "Dont be so picky" "You're overreacting" "All men are like that" "Give him another chance" "He says he'll change" "Stay for the kids"
Goly gee, wonder why she didn't choose better?
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u/Tomiie_Kawakami 9d ago
the don't be so picky is so real. i have so many friends looking for marriage and their parents keep telling them that they're being too picky and that "all men are like that"
i want to shake them awake, it's so aggravating
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u/Carbonatite 9d ago
And then when women are more choosy we get called entitled bitches and blamed for the male mental health crisis.
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u/lkap28 9d ago
Right?? Imagine you really had burned the dinner. Not only do you have to go through unnecessary violence at home, but then you also hear it repeated and validated by friends and strangers.
The jokes aren’t funny even when they’re hypothetical - but when faced with potentially real abuse? Obscene.
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u/ShovelHand 9d ago
I've had conversations with people, men and women, where it's clear they think domestic violence and sexual abuse are a thing of the past and fair game to joke about. It's weird and frustrating.
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u/eggperiod 9d ago
The fact that any of those thing could have actually happened too
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u/understandshe 9d ago
Yes, and this is what scares the most… because the mind repeats the same possibility again and again as if it has really happened.
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u/nbartl 9d ago
"Male loneliness epidemic"
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u/TehMephs 9d ago
Same people who unironically will say “no one cares about men’s mental health”
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u/NKGra 9d ago
I assure you, the chuds making domestic violence jokes think therapy is gay.
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u/Magimasterkarp 8d ago
When they say male mental health, they don't mean therapy. They want the sex that they're "owed".
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u/coolbadasstoughguy 8d ago
So do the guys complaining about men's mental health. They just think men are persecuted and women are privileged. They're not actually suggesting therapy. They're just suggesting we go back to the 50s when men had more power and no consequences for their actions.
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u/res06myi 9d ago
They are not lonely enough.
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u/jr0061006 9d ago
They are not lonely enough.
Just emphasizing this excellent comment.
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u/danceswithdangerr 9d ago
Also loved that comment. Male loneliness epidemic they did it to themselves, creepers.
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u/happuning 9d ago
"Inability to develop friendships that may naturally evolve into relationships without expectations or pressure" with an emphasis on being decent enough people to make said friends
I was lucky to live somewhere I got harassed less. I moved across the country & live downtown now and it is happening many times a day. Why are men yelling out their car windows about the things they would do to me? I HAVE A RING ON! I am married! It doesn't stop them!!! I don't care how nice you think my legs/chest are! Leave me alone!!!
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u/MimicoSkunkFan2 9d ago
Because those men view you as a doll to be possessed and used, not as a person. They don't care about your ring because it's just an object worn by an object. Sorry you have to deal with all that (and if it's NYC then it won't get better, the catcalling is extra awful there)
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u/Wolfleaf3 9d ago
Snort. Yeaaah.
This garbage OP heard….wow.
It’s like it’s satire about the 1930s or something.
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u/Eurydice_Risen 9d ago
More accurately, the women being unwilling to let men treat them like shit epidemic. The men being expected to meet basic standards of human compassion and decency epidemic. The womens' self respect epidemic.
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u/420thefunnynumber 9d ago
I caught a lot of shit on this hellsite for saying that it's primarily a male issue. I stand by it. Everyone is lonely, but it's self inflicted for a lot of men.
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u/cartoonist62 9d ago
This should be reported to HR. Their comments are 100% inappropriate.
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u/fisheee_cx 9d ago
I work in HR and would absolutely want to know if anyone at work was making comments like these
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u/yankeebelleyall 9d ago
Same. OP, please please PLEASE report these dickheads.
What if someone does shown up to work with injuries actually from spousal abuse? As someone who has experienced it, the days just after are really hard to navigate - especially at work. The last thing you need is some fuckface justifying what was done to you.
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u/zipperfire 9d ago
I just finished a state-mandated 4 hours of training for supervisors including how to handle violence, threat of violence and inappropriate talk. If HR stands by the training they are offering, then definitely they would.
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u/wandering-monster 9d ago
Fr, I can't imagine hearing something like that in my workplace. It would be an instant incident with HR no matter who said it, right up to the executive suite. I'd be reporting it even if I was just a bystander to the conversation.
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u/IndividualAd4459 9d ago
When I was a sophomore in high school, I was dating this senior and I felt so cool to have an older boyfriend. But, he LOVED to make “jokes” about DV to me. Things like, “what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, you’ve already told her twice!” He would then laugh and laugh before looking at me and waiting for me to… laugh I think? So I would kind of chuckle because I was a kid and didn’t know what to do, and then he would smile encouragingly and nod. I was with him for about a month before we broke up because I wouldn’t put out (apparently he was only dating me because he thought I was easy since my mom wasn’t Baptist in a small Deep South white flight community).
I look back on all those jokes and wonder what the point of them was. Was he warning me? Training me to accept DV as something normal? Or just a stupid senior who liked being edgy. I pray it was the last one.
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u/BabalonNuith 8d ago
He was teaching you that it's "normal". Men who make DV 'jokes' are themselves abusers. Just as those who make 'jokes' about pedophilia are themselves pedos. I recall the cartoonist who drew "Chester The Molester" cartoons for Hustler mag... he was later charged with-wait for it- child molesting! Men make jokes in order to "test the waters" many times...women need to pay attention when men 'joke' about things that should not be used as "joke fodder" and not just dismiss it as "dark humour".
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u/cosmiccleora 9d ago
It is so interesting to hear how people react to black eyes. My husband has a birth mark near his eye that looks like a black eye. He has gotten a lot of comments on it when I’m with him (from both men and women) and every single comment has been “joking” or hinting that I am abusing him. It’s always something like “what did he do to deserve that”
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u/twopointsisatrend 9d ago
It's similar to people asking "what was she wearing" when discussing SA. The "what do you mean by that" response should work well there too.
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u/cosmiccleora 9d ago
That’s an excellent response. I’ll have to use that next time it happens. I get that some people think it’s funny to joke that I could be abusing my husband, but I don’t think it’s funny to joke about abuse
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u/GirchyGirchy 9d ago
My wife ended up with a shiner from a mt biking accident. She endured plenty of stupid, careless comments from men and women. They weren't funny and she was NOT happy about it. People are absolute idiots.
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u/CadoDraws 9d ago
bring back hat pins
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u/zoeyd8 9d ago
Oooh I had an idea! A hat pin that hides in your phone case! Mini sword even!
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u/tossaway78701 9d ago
"You should see the other guy" then smile like a serial killer.
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u/ToBeDet 9d ago
"Just kidding, they'll never find him."
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u/Eurydice_Risen 9d ago
"They'll never find his body" is played out. "They'll never stop finding his body" is the new spice.
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u/Moomoolette 9d ago
Yeah I would be implying that I bit his dick off, but… I’m old and feral now
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u/VacheRadioactif 9d ago
"My hobbies include strangling men who overestimate their sense of worth and fighting ability in front of spectators"
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u/ericscottf 9d ago
I taught this to my 7 year old daughter. Never fails to stop people short, especially people that know her.
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u/DyslexicExistentiali 9d ago
"Did you know if you plant an endangered species over a body buried in the woods it's illegal to disturb the soil?"
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u/Hikaribennett 9d ago
There’s been such a surge in people thinking these kinds of jokes are okay. A wave of misogyny and patriarchal crap. Encouraged by the political situations in many countries where fascism is in the rise. About… fifteen years ago? I had eye surgery and had a huge black eye that took forever to heal. Went to dinner with my then boyfriend (now husband) and people were about ready to throw down with him back then. I had people of both genders quietly ask if I was safe. I’m so sorry you didn’t get that level of empathy and kindness.
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u/staunch_character 9d ago
Yeah they justify it as the pendulum swinging away from “woke” ideology. Racism, sexism, anti-LGBTQ+ is all back on the menu.
As if basic empathy for others was such a huge problem. 🙄
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u/BluebirdCheap4594 9d ago
If a man makes those kinds of jokes and thinks domestic violence is funny, stay far away from him. Those are the types of men who beat and kill women.
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u/Anticode 9d ago edited 9d ago
There was a comment below which replied something along the lines of, "Not all men, stop generalizing! I'm offended by the implication". (Because of course there was.)
I wanted to take a second to explain to him, in very specific detail, why exactly his comment was being eviscerated and how the way he feels is both unhelpful and counteproductive.
He deleted that comment and thus I cannot speak to him directly anymore, but I wanted to go ahead and leave this lesson, this "brotalk" here for some of the other guys in the rafters to stumble upon. Unofrtunately, it's quite common that people feel "generalized" or "attacked" by any "all men"-type statements when they shouldn't be. In fact, they should be feeling a completely different emotion when they see that kind of phrasing.
It's important to me that other guys figure this out, so I'll probably repost it for better visibility somewhere else at some point. I think it gets my point across quite effectively.
Brotalk Moment™ follows:
___
"This is a dumb comment blanketing all men as one type."
Look, man... C'mere. Let's have a quick brotalk real fast. Don't worry about the ladies for now, okay? Bear with me a sec. I'll tell you exactly why you're getting ass-blasted in the comments, but it won't make much sense unless we also talk about how and why what you think you wrote just now isn't exactly the same thing as what you actually said. Some of this might be important.
TL;DR - First of all, if those kind of statements don't apply to you, they shouldn't be offensive and you shouldn't take it personally. Why would you? I certainly don't.
But it's important to note that the fact that such statements are both commonly shared and uniformly agreed upon by a significant fraction of the population indicates that there is a problem at play there somewhere. It's not some kind of "haha men be like" joke, and it's not an attempt to demonize an entire gender either. They are referencing real shared experiences between themselves.
If you're not part of that problem, as you seem not to be, you shouldn't feel offended at all to have been unintentionally "negatively generalized" by anybody insinuating that a particular issue exists and/or persists. What you should be concerned about is that this apparent issue is so common as to have become a sort of pseudo-meme (and your predictable reaction is a typical element of that meme, embarrassingly enough for both of us).
You shouldn't feel mad at women for being traumatized or tormented by abusive and hypocritical men, you should be mad at those men for hurting the very people that you, yourself have not and would not and refuse to hurt... Right? I mean, that's how I feel about it.
You aren't a predator or abuser, right? Yeah, cool, me neither! See? They're not talking about you. They're talking about "us". Malekind.
Note: The rest of this is going to descend a bit deeper into the 'masculine worldview' when it comes to my phrasing/comparisons, so the ladies might want to look away. No? Still here, eh? Okay, suit yourself! Welcome to Manworld, ma'am, and please accept this complementary samurai sword as a gift. Feel free to stab the drywall a few times if you ever wondered what it feels like to be a "misunderstood" 15 year old boy. We've all been there.
Anyway.
Look, I'm sure you've noticed this by now, but... Uh, y'know. We male humans are potentially extremely deadly creatures, brother. We're the most dangerous animal this side of the damn Kuiper belt. In both peace and aggression, we are notably dangerous beasts. Now, if I tried to attack my brother or my guy friends or my dad they'd all have a fair enough shot. They could maybe turn the tides, kind of hold out for a bit, or at least fuck me up enough that I regret trying it. But every single woman I've ever loved and adored, including my own mother, would not have stood a single chance in hell if I went and "flipped out" on her without warning. Would I do that? Absolutely not! Never. It pains me to even imply that, to such a degree that it somehow loops back around into morbidly humorous due to the sheer implausibility of the act.
You have to understand... They know all this stuff too! They never really stop knowing it. Ever. Because even when they trust you, your strength gives them a sense of safety against those who might seek to harm them. And when you betray them, your very same imposing stature or elite nunchaku skills can only be a constant and undeniable reminder about what you could "do" if you decided to do it. Would you? Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't matter. What matters is that you might, and that you could. Many men will. Many men have.
This is an inherent aspect of our species' sexual dimorphism. Even unarmed men are vastly, vastly more capable of physically harming a woman at will than a woman is a man. This is not up for discussion, and edge-cases are statistically irrelevant. From birth 'til death, ladies live in a world where approximately half the humans that cross their path can (and might, and have) assault them in one way or another. It's probably not too different to how an innocent, normal man might feel stuck in a max-security prison with all those roided up 'Big Bruno' and 'Mikey "Make You Love Me" McGee' type folks running around looking for quote-unquote 'a good buddy'.
Are you listening to what I'm saying here? That prison metaphor isn't far off from how somebody's workplace or home might feel at times. Big Bruno might be their alcoholic husband or boss, people they cannot avoid but cannot forget carry unknown but suspected dark impulses.
You may not have considered all this before. Few guys have, honestly. It was an epiphany to me once upon a time too: We are fucking deadly to women, my man! And they know this fact far better than we do.
They have very good reason to fear us. We have proven that their caution is justified, too. Over and over we've proven it. Repeatedly, as far back as the invention of the written word and as close to the present as somebody's friend's uncle murdering their aunt after 30 years of seemingly cordial marriage. It happens daily.
So whenever a lady says something that sounds like "all men" to you, you shouldn't feel bad for yourself because they don't know you're not one of those men. They didn't know you at all. If anything, you should feel proud for not being one of those men. More critically, you should also feel angry - furious - at your fellow man for what they've done to so many millions of women for so god damned long with so few consequences.
And most of all... You should feel sympathetic. Sympathetic. They deserve at least that, man. They say those things for a reason. These women have been hurt, or their friends have been hurt, or they've seen their mothers be hurt, on and on. It's not a theme, it's a pattern. They're fucking victims, my man. Victims and survivors!
Don't you like women? Don't you want them to be safe and happy? They go through some shit, let me tell you. Ever heard of this thing called "periods"? Big oof, that. And that's not even close to the worst part about being a chick.
If you claim to love women even half as much as I do, please understand what I'm telling you here. They know that it's not literally "all men", I promise. These people have boyfriends and husbands and brothers they trust. Many of them are exclusively attracted to men, sometimes to precisely the kind of scary masculine archetypes that're most capable of causing them harm. Those aren't the men they're talking about. They know that good men exist, at least hypothetically.
The way you responded above? That was all about you, man, not them. Maybe it didn't feel that way when you wrote it, but... I'm sure you see it now, right? You get it? Do you understand what I'm implying? You got needlessly frustrated at somebody who was once upon a time hurt deeply enough or repeatedly enough to learn a very hard lesson about statistics.
These women, these people need support and encouragement, not needless or irreverent spitefulness from strange men who accidentally identified themselves as a predator in the process of claiming not to be. And yes, that is exactly what you did, my man. It's what I saw too, it's not just Them. I thought you'd want to know that.
That's it. That's all.
If you didn't make it all the way to the end, well... Sorry to fail you. I get a bit passionate about stuff sometimes.
But if you did make it down here, then congratulations! You now "get it", yeah? Yeah! Welcome aboard, bud. Keep an eye on your six and wait for your chance to make a difference in the world. Dangerous people don't have to be villains. They can be heroes too.
So be one.
Alright, champ. Go on, now. Scamper off, you! See you at the ballgame.
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u/Rugkrabber 9d ago
Like I always say: if they take it personally, there might be some truth in it.
The people that don’t, know it’s not about them and have nothing to worry about.
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u/macielightfoot 9d ago
Men are perpetually oscillating between "Women are just as violent as men, nobody takes male DV victims seriously"
and "HA your husband beats you over food, this pleases me"
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u/jenorama_CA 9d ago
When we lived in Albuquerque, the dry air really got to me and I would wear one of those Breathe Right strips to help. If you’ve never seen one, they look kind of like a bandage thing you’d put on a broken nose. The domestic violence jokes I got from both men and women were insane. Like, I’d be in the grocery and someone would ask me if my husband had cracked me across the face and then laugh. This was back in the 90s and you’d hope things have changed, but looks like they haven’t.
Sorry, man.
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u/BigMcLargeHuge77 9d ago
Dude! I'm in Albuquerque and had a hell of a time with the DV jokes when the blood vessels in my eye burst pretty bad last month! Like a guy working at Wendy's asked me if I finally got my man a sandwich and laughed hysterically.
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u/jenorama_CA 9d ago
Right? I started asking what was funny about that and took joy in watching them squirm.
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u/Carbonatite 9d ago
That's when you channel your inner Kate Gosselin haircut and ask for their manager.
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u/Different_Battle_932 9d ago
I just want to know who the hell thinks it's OK to make such jokes to a complete stranger? I get fucking around with your friends when they know that you are fully joking and would be supporting them if they were, in fact, in that situation. But to just up and say that to a random person is absolutely insane.
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u/violentlyshy 9d ago edited 9d ago
That tracks. Insane that men would make these jokes,thinking they were making light of things.
I got hit on a lot when I had a black eye (from assault). It was disturbing.
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u/Exciting-Mountain396 9d ago
Ew, this happened to me once too, I was so creeped out
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u/violentlyshy 9d ago
Right? I don’t understand it at all. Or I do - attracted to what they perceive is weak or vulnerable? It’s baffling.
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u/Euphoric_Rough2709 9d ago
That is horrible! The open approval of violence against women is deeply concerning to me. I hope your black eye heels fast!
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u/sharksnack3264 9d ago
I had similar reactions after getting in a road accident years ago. I had two epic black eyes after the blood drained down from my head injury, a neck brace, my hands and feet where they were visible were seriously bruised and scraped up and my leg was bandaged up after debridement of a serious burn. Like, if someone had put me in this condition, even among abusers, they would have to have been probably trying to kill me.
Lots of men suddenly decided now was the time to be a comedian with lots of DV references or just got very weird about it. It was pretty appalling.
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u/kait_1291 9d ago
I hope you reported the two guys at your workplace to HR.
I was pulling up my sleeve while trying to grind salt into pasta water, and ended up punching myself full-force in the bottom lip, crushing it into my two front teeth. My lip split instantly, started gushing blood everywhere, and then swelled up. I had to go to work with a fat, split lip.
Wanna know how many people at my work made comments? None. Except my manager, who discreetly pulled me aside and expressed concern first, and sympathy second. Their comments are not okay, and completely unacceptable. Please report them.
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u/Carbonatite 9d ago
My last job was horrible, the manager was a dick and I actually consulted an attorney before leaving that workplace due to the hostility.
Even he had the decency to ask if I was okay when my at-the-time BF's mastiff headbutted me while playing and split my lip.
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u/romeodeficient 9d ago
“sorry I don’t get it, can you explain it to me?”
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u/MimicoSkunkFan2 9d ago
NEVER preface your challenge to a misogynist with "sorry", and never give him the chance to belittle your intellect with "I don't get it."
You have nothing to be sorry about and you don't have anything wrong with your brain. That sort of self-discounting language just encourages that type of asshat.
You want a more authoritative tone e.g. "Your remark makes no sense. Can you explain what you meant?"
Make it clear that his words were understood and rejected as idiotic already. That's why you say "can you explain" - not "could you explain" or "care to explain" which leave him the option to wave it off - because you both know that he can explain.
That phrasing boxes him into the choice of whether to explain and double down on being an idiot, or to stfu and back off.
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u/justmitzie 9d ago
Read this to my husband. His response: Fuck all those fucking fucks. Go complain about being lonely dumbass.
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u/Western_Command_385 9d ago
Wow, that's really disturbing behavior. I'm not even sure how to respond to that reaction, my brain would just blue screen. I can understand bring sympathic to another human, but comments like that are damaging and perpetuate harm. I'm sorry. Hugs
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u/Gallusbizzim 9d ago
What if your partner had hit you, would these guys still think they were funny?
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u/JinhaeOni 9d ago
Yes, they don’t know how she got the blackeye. This is their response. They’re assuming a dude hit her
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u/Lonely-Agent-7479 9d ago
Wtf how is joking about domestic abuse (and jokingly putting the blame on the victim) the first thing you say to a woman with a black eye
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u/Jillbo_baggins99 9d ago
I think you just learnt that many men are abusive or supportive of abuse or enablers of abusers or just silent on men’s abuse.
It should be shocking to learn this. Unfortunately I have learned this already.
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u/grated_testes 9d ago
Would HR be interested to know how employees are talking while on the clock?
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u/Temporary_Resort_579 9d ago
Oh don't worry, I've reported it already.
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u/PinochetPenchant 9d ago
Would you please post a follow-up with HR's response? A lot of us are invested now!
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u/MarqueeOfStars 9d ago
Holy sheet!
I’m covered with bruises 50% of the time because of my martial arts training. I get some sympathetic looks mostly, and some offers to help me get out of a dangerous situation, but no one has ever commented on what i could’ve done to deserve these marks. Then again, I’m more muscular than not, so anyone who might say something derogatory would likely be scared of me. Ha!
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u/knitpurlknitoops 9d ago
I do taekwondo and bruise really easily - I’ve been asked more than once if everything is ok at home.
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u/No-Media-5162 9d ago
I bet they view themselves as "protectors".
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u/zipperfire 9d ago
Men are excellent protectors (of themselves...) I realized we'd been getting who's being protected wrong all these years, or else men wouldn't abandon children and not pay child support, and the most dangerous man you know is the one next to you in bed.
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u/freethenipple23 Halp. Am stuck on reddit. 9d ago
I've never been hot on more in my entire life than the weekend I'm college I went to the bars with a black eye.
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u/Prestigious-Life6167 9d ago
This is truly awful ☹️ I hope you’re okay op and I’m so sorry about these horrible comments. They see a woman with a sign of DV and this is their reaction! I feel bad for the women in their lives 😞
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u/rdtcbs 9d ago
What the fuck. Men are disgusting. Did you respond back to any of these men? If not, props to you for keeping your cool, I definitely wouldn’t have been able to (was previously in an abusive relationship)
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u/saddingtonbear 9d ago
I dont think it's a bad thing to call someone out for saying something gross. I've been trying to work on that myself, I'm done letting men feel comfortable being creeps with no consequence.
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u/master_bacon 9d ago
That is absolutely disgusting!
You are so much stronger than me for just rolling your eyes and moving on. I would be so furious if a coworker made a comment like that to me.
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u/Winter_Apartment_376 9d ago
My manager had black eye. He got asked (lightheartedly and kindly) if “things were okay at home”.
No one made fun of him or humiliated him.
The world is so sad for a woman sometimes.
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u/BigMcLargeHuge77 9d ago
I had the vessels in my eye burst a month ago after a sneezing fit. Men acted like I had been, obviously, beaten up and "haha woman hurt." They do that because they WANT to hurt women. Every last one of them who made a comment wants to hurt women and enjoy seeing women harmed.
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u/littleloversopolite 9d ago
My best friend currently has a black eye from getting what seemed intentionally hit by a man at a hardcore show. During a two step part, which is understood to be a non violent dance, this ass who had already previously kicked another woman, backhanded my friend and she had to get five stitches in the ER. She’s been getting quite a few looks of sympathy from other women. Her new partner is uncomfortable while walking in public with her because he thinks people assume he hit her.
She is the kind of person who probably would say, “yes, a man DID in fact hit me” lol
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u/CeeUNTy 9d ago
I'm 5'2" and my ex husband is 6'6" and he hated how klutzy I was because he was worried people would think he'd hit me. I got asked about my frequent bruises and whether or not he had. I always said "no, of course not. He wants to live".
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u/530SSState 9d ago
Mildly off-topic but important: Call up a trustworthy handyman/person and have them install grab bars -- one IN your shower, and one directly OUTSIDE your shower.
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u/reverendunclebastard 9d ago
"Actually I have this black eye because I am black eye salesperson. Here's your free sample."
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u/Additional_Goal_8767 9d ago
I also have a black eye. I work as a nurse. All my male ( RNs, MDs, pharm D.s and RTs) colleagues expressed concern. Not a single one cracked an inappropriate joke. I'd report your coworkers. That speaks to a culture at your job.
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u/Longjumping_Run_6139 9d ago
Oh this happened to me too when I had a black eye!
It WAS from a man elbowing me in the face but it was an accident. We were both drunk and trying to hug each other and somehow he smacked me in the eye. Funny thing was, he leapt down some stairs towards the end of the same night and smacked his face into the ceiling (it was a low ceiling) and landed heavily on his back on the stairs. So, when we got into the taxi on the way home, he had a massive bruise and lump on his head and I had a black eye. 😅
Anyway, when I went to work all the men kept making those sorts of jokes. I stupidly kept trying to explain, thinking it was a misunderstanding. Of course I know better now that they were just being misogynistic pricks.
I hope your eye heals soon!
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u/Ecstatic_Initial_114 8d ago
"Thanks for telling me you're all okay with spousal abuse. I will be notifying HR."
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u/JCXIII-R Basically Kimmy Schmidt 9d ago
"You think domestic violence is funny?"