r/TwoXChromosomes • u/flourdonut • 9d ago
i feel like such an outsider after losing 85 pounds.
at my heaviest, i was 195 pounds and typically wore a size 14 and an XL. i’ve lost 85 pounds since then and now im 110 pounds, usually size 2 and an XS. but i feel like there are so few people that get the feelings im starting to have.
i don’t really consider myself skinny and i don’t feel like i am a “skinny” person despite my weight and clothing sizes because i don’t look the same as girls who’ve been thin their whole lives or even girls who’ve lost weight to get to that size but were never actually overweight or obese to begin with.
i don’t feel like i relate to other women who were around my size and lost weight either. i feel like the more mainstream weight loss journeys i see on social media involve stopping once they’re at a mid-healthy weight or have a focus on getting more muscular rather than going all the way to the lower end of the bmi scale.
i still have a bit of a stomach pouch and loose skin so i don’t look like the conventionally skinny girls. i am pretty neutral about it because to me, it’s still better than the former but i feel like an outsider in just about every group. fat, skinny, plus size, midsize, formerly bigger and lost weight, i don’t really feel like anyone talks about how it feels after so much weight loss.
i hope this is okay to post seeing as i have nowhere else to talk about it and i feel like no one gets it. i’m still incredibly proud of my achievement even if i feel like i’m kinda in a bubble or “category” by myself.
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u/Munchkinadoc 9d ago
Hello! Overweight girl here.
I’m not trying to be rude at all, just trying to understand a bit more where you’re coming from. Why do you feel that you have to “fit into” a certain group based on your relationship with your weight? Is it like “my life has changed, but I feel like I can’t talk about it because it wasn’t some huge drastic transformation”? Or is it something like “I lost all this weight but I don’t have the conventionally attractive body so I shouldn’t talk about it”?
Because if so—babe. Listen. You’re telling me you went from an XL TO AN XS?! That’s freaking amazing! YOU LOST 85 POUNDS. That’s like, an entire elementary-school-aged kid. That is a LOT of weight!
Also, quit looking at other people’s weight loss journeys and comparing yourself to them. Everyone’s body handles weight loss/carries weight differently, and you don’t have to have some extra goal of gaining muscle for your journey to be valid. Extra skin is a real thing that happens (and if it really bothers you, you can get removal surgery!) and having a lil pouch is okay!
But, also. Maybe I’m misunderstanding here. Please get me on the right track if so! I wanna be supportive ❤️
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u/flourdonut 9d ago
you understood PERFECTLY. it’s exactly like ”i lost all this weight but my body isn’t conventionally attractive.” you put it into words better than i could’ve. thank you so much for your kind words. 🩷 actually the loose skin doesn’t really bother me much on a regular basis. it just feels odd to be an XS and not “skinny.” i have hope that it’ll snap back a little since im in my early 20s but even if it doesn’t, im okay with it
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u/SisyphusvsRock 9d ago
I was 115 lbs and 5’5” until I got pregnant. I ALWAYS had a little pouch at the bottom of my belly.
My sister was taller than me and weighed less than me, and she also had a little pouch, even though she was basically skin and bones (she had an eating disorder).
Being skinny won’t make your body match a magazine girl. Those photos are heavily edited and even the models don’t look like that in real life. Comparisons are unhealthy.
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u/zoomiesofdoom 9d ago
Also checking in as someone who was 190lbs with no pouch as I was unhealthily jacked. I now have a pouch and objectively “look worse” but feel so much better
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u/subeditrix 9d ago
Yep. 5’8” and 96lbs at my lowest. Still a little pouch. Bodies are weird man. I now prefer to focus on what they can do not what they look like 💪
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u/supermarkise 8d ago
And you know what, that pouch is the softest most touchable and huggable part of the belly and my partner loves it.
There's a German word I use a lot (I'm German), it's Bauchpinseln - directly translates to brush (with soft painting brush) the belly and it means to flatter someone. That's what that part is for, haha.
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u/PatatietPatata 8d ago
I've got the pouch and a natural hip dip, and thick thighs.
I'm smack dab in the middle of a healthy BMI and even if I dipped under it wouldn't change my natural shape like you said...
I should try and figure out what kind of clothes could actually flatter me but I don't know where to start so I also go around felling very frumpy :|3
u/goldenopal42 8d ago
This.
Advertising generally prefers a very specific look that is a very specific mixture of masculine and feminine qualities. A common one is the flat, 2% body fat, abs, no pooch, prominent hipbones, male-coded torso on women.
They have figured out the formula or lowest common denominator, everyone finds this person sexually attractive on some level. Another example is how the super-muscled male models tend to have large, wet, pouty, feminine-coded lips. Even the honesty straightest guy on the spectrum is like, Ooo, Nice mouth on that one. Something for everyone basically.
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u/Munchkinadoc 9d ago
Also I’m like 80% sure the pouch is because of your uterus. Like of course there’s extra space down there to fit the extra organ, lol
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u/Rakifiki 9d ago
No, that's misinformation. Your uterus is verrrryy small until you get pregnant. But people with higher estrogen tend to deposit fat on hips & abdomen, (some of this is also genetic, it's not 100% estrogen-caused) and some people have bloating issues from allergies/food that can have a similar effect (altho typically you'd see that decrease every once in a while when they're not eating/around the allergen).
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u/Munchkinadoc 9d ago
Okay wait so is it also not true that the little fat pouch helps to protect the reproductive organs?? Am I walking around full of falsehoods??
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u/Rakifiki 8d ago
There's like a tiny bit of truth to this? And a lot of not truth, lol. Some fat just under your skin (subcutaneous fat), in any location can help you, keeping you warm, maybe providing cushioning for impacts (?), providing energy stores etc. But deep internal fat (visceral fat) between your organs, can cause a lot of health issues. It's probably mostly genetics (+genetic predisposition to other factors, like stress) that determines where fat gets deposited, but keeping your visceral fat lower is considered ideal based on current medical understanding.
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u/Ill_Back_284 9d ago
This is a go to therapy for body dysmorphia thing not a weight thing or reaching x pounds or if my skin was different will make me feel accepted thing. You don't sound okay with it at all - really suggest therapy.
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u/notquitecockney 9d ago
As others are saying, most thin people aren’t visually perfect. Many thin women don’t see themselves as thin. Our relationships with our bodies are complex - but I think there’s some merit to focussing on what your body can do (play sports? Do art? Dance? Give great hugs?) rather than on how it looks.
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u/Munchkinadoc 8d ago
100% this. My therapist goes “think about what you want to be able to do, and focus on that instead of your weight.” So I said okay, I want to be able to walk up and down stairs without feeling like I’m fighting for my life, and I want to be able to run around with my pets, and be able to walk and have a conversation at the same time, and maybe even be able to use a normal-sized bath towel! And I try to keep those things in mind even as I try to be more active and more mindful of what I’m eating. It helps.
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u/oliviahope1992 9d ago
I’m an xs, I’m 5”7 and not “skinny” but I fit the smallest clothes and some brands don’t even fit me at xs! (Looking at you Lucky Brand!!) so I really feel you on this. I also was 169 pounds and lost it all the way to 107 when my brother died so this is actually weight gain for me. I have a really morphed idea of what I look like at this weight but op you’re not alone ❤️ our little pouches are because we’re women with uterus’s!
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u/joannaradok 9d ago
You have achieved so much and have done so well, congratulations! Your skin will tighten- it doesn’t happen immediately but when you are young your skin still has plenty of elastin, and rapid weight loss leaves it needing time to catch up. I am a UK 8, my weight has fluctuated over the years, and at any weight I will always have a lower belly paunch. I didn’t think I was a gym goer but for me exercise helps, turns out I enjoy the benefits, and I am focussed on strengthening my core, building my pecs to lift my tiny sad boobs lol, and exercise helps with firming the skin! But within all this I am super body positive, I love my body, I am proud of it. My petite friend with flat abs I would die for envies my height, something I hadn’t even considered a positive lol. A healthy body that serves me, and confidence are the goals, I try to appreciate the bits I love, and remind myself my barrel tum was inherited from my mum so it’s part of who I am.
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u/Clairegeit 8d ago
I think some of what you are feeling is really normal for those that have huge body changes. I think this is something that is going to take a lot of time, I would also recommend if you can seek some therapy to work through some of those feelings.
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u/brainvheart143 9d ago
Actually it’s a fairly old elementary kid ! So amazing
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u/softrevolution_ ❤ 9d ago
Good God, it's one of what I used to weigh as a whole adult (don't worry, I did gain up to about 105 and I am short)
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u/Munchkinadoc 9d ago
I am also short but the skinniest I can remember being is 115 my senior year of high school (and I still thought I was overweight! Like damn I’m 250 now, baby me had NO idea!)
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u/softrevolution_ ❤ 9d ago
Baby me had an eating disorder, do not recommend this diet plan to anyone. I looked a little scary.
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u/brainvheart143 8d ago
It’s so fucked up honestly. Same. I remember thinking I was fat at summer camp, prob starting when I was 11. God knows why bc I was not.
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u/Munchkinadoc 8d ago
I remember being about 9. I had this little blue sundress I hadn’t worn in a while. I put it on to show my grandma, I think we were going for a walk or something, and it did NOT fit. My stomach poked out quite a bit. And I just remember her saying “Looks like you gained some weight.” And I was so self-conscious after that, trying to suck my stomach in to look skinnier. And I was fucking NINE. I did have some good years after that, but then yeah, high school hit, and you know how that goes…
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u/brainvheart143 9d ago
I understand. I got to 190 and knew I had to do something. I lost over 50 lbs (it was closer to 60 but I always end up hovering around 140 so I’m going to just try to stay here and build some muscle. That’s amazing you have kept it off but I totally get having loose skin issues it’s very annoying. And It drives me crazy when people comment I just feel like they are saying “wow you really looked awful before”
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u/rainbow84uk 9d ago
Yessss this last sentence is exactly why I hate people commenting on my weight loss. The idea that people who know me are constantly tracking my body size and judging whether it's good or bad is so gross to me.
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u/brainvheart143 8d ago
Exactly! The worst one is my friend’s husband. Not good friend more like neighborhood dude and every time I run into him at the grocery store he goes “hey skinny lady!” It is gross.
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u/flourdonut 9d ago
i was the same, through my preteen and teen years and early adulthood, i was obese for the majority of the time. it’s such an odd feeling and adjustment to be smaller when i’ve never known it before. i remember one time, i was in the mall and passed by a mirror and i saw a glimpse of my reflection in it but i turned around because i thought it was someone else right behind me only to realize it was myself
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u/flourdonut 9d ago
cosplaying myself … sometimes i look in the mirror and don’t recognize my face or body at all (i also dyed my hair back to natural after a few years of colors) and got contacts after wearing glasses for a decade. so i really did feel detached from the person i was for so long. not to mention, i was experiencing severe mental illness at the time and it just messed with me even more. it was such a time in my life that felt so permanent that now feels like it was worlds away
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u/Naive_Photograph_585 9d ago
hi! I've read your post and seen some of your comments, I'm going to weigh in as someone who recovered from an ED and body dysmorphia. I really think it might be helpful for you to go to therapy about this, or possibly find some online communities? your thought process right now sounds a lot like mine when I was first falling into ED habits, and the way you talk about your body sounds a little like body dysmorphia. I'm not diagnosing you or even saying that's exactly what it is, it's just a thought pattern that can be very dangerous and reaching out for some professional help (or online communities of people who have had similar experiences) might help with the way you're feeling!! you've experienced a really drastic change with your body, and the way you feel right now is completely valid. you just have to remember your body, like everyone else, is unique. you shouldn't compare yourself to others because your weight loss journey has been your own, just as unique as your body. and you should be so incredibly proud that you lost 85 pounds!
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u/Individual_Ad9135 9d ago
I have a similar battle.
Ten years ago I was 315 pounds, 22/24. I decided to have the gastric sleeve, and I lost down below 200 pounds.
Over the years, Covid lockdown and menopause caused me to yo-yo between 215-230, but I was still overall satisfied with my weight loss. But I always have felt like an imposter because while I look great in clothes, naked I have loose skin and need a tummy tuck badly (can't afford it).
I recently decided to start the Galveston Diet, which is 16:8 fasting coupled with a Mediterranean-like diet. I have lost back down to 205 pounds at last weigh in. While I am happy to be down in weight and how the diet makes me feel, I am sliding even more into imposter category.
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u/Interesting_Level741 8d ago
I can appreciate your comment- I was knocking on 300's door eight years ago. I also had the gastric sleeve procedure done, and I can honestly say I would not have been able to lose the weight otherwise. Anyone who says weight loss surgery is cheating can pound sand. It is HARD WORK and healthier than a starvation diet. I am almost four weeks out from a panniculectomy and recovery has been even harder than the gastric sleeve.
I honestly don't recognize myself and I can only look at my body in pieces, instead of as a whole. It made sense when I was obese, but I hope I can get to the point where I don't shy away from my appearance. Someone farther up said "You're not used to your insecurities not being visible," and that really resonated.
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u/sixmozzastix 9d ago
There are a lot of really supportive wonderful comments in here. For anyone struggling with their relationship with their bodies, food, their place in a world that expects people to be thin in a very specific way — I would like to recommend the podcast “Maintenance Phase.” It’s funny, insightful, and healing.
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u/Lairel 9d ago
Bestie, I know im late to this convo, but please give yourself grace. Losing a lot of weight absolutely messes with your perception of your own body. I have also been dealing with this, though probably not to the same extreme as you. I keep buying and ordering clothes in the wrong sizes because I can not accept that I might fit in a small after almost being 300lbs and wearing a size 26. If you need a buddy for those bad body image days just shoot me a message
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u/TheLoneliestGhost 9d ago
I relate. In my case, it was due to illness but I did the same as you. It’s odd because I’m so used to making self deprecating jokes about being thicker or heavier because I’ve not been skinny since junior high. It’s an odd feeling but, I’m mostly concerned about getting rid of the loose skin I can by trying to tone what I’ve accidentally lost. It’s really nice to take some pressure off of my joints, though.
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u/Alpha_uterus 9d ago
I just wanted to thank you for posting this because I’ve been struggling with it too and really not having any luck finding anyone who understands
I started at 310lbs and am now 170 and a UK size 10 (us size 6) having started in a UK size 24 / US 28.
I even just had loose skin removal surgery but I just don’t ‘feel’ slim. Based on my body fat percentage I could lose another 10lbs but everyone I’ve mentioned that to says I’m crazy.
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u/marsh_mellow_moon 9d ago
I was in your shoes 5 years ago. Lost 90 lbs, went from XL to XS in 2 years. For the longest time I still had it in my head that I was a big girl. I’d be worried I couldn’t fit my big butt through a tiny space, but then I could. I thought that dress on the mannequin wouldn’t fit, but then it did. Honestly, it just takes time to realize you’re not that big girl anymore. It’s funny too, because when you show your old (bigger) self consideration in front of people who only know you as your current (tiny) self, they give the strangest looks and make the oddest comments about your body. Basically, I’m here to say that someday, your brain will catch up with your body. Think about it, most of your memories of yourself are of your bigger self. In due time, you’ll have more memories of your smaller self. It definitely takes a few years, but you’ll get there.
Also, I’m curious. Why are you so concerned with fitting in with any one particular group of women? I ask because in order to lose 90 lbs, the first thing I had to give up was caring what others thought of me. That sentiment has just stuck with me. If anything, being smaller has boosted my confidence, allowing me to make so many more friends…of all sizes! There’s no rule on life that says you need to stick to your own kind. Good god, I would be so bored if I couldn’t hang with my big girls.
Also, congrats on the life changing weight loss! Enjoy!
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u/DanteandRandallFlagg 9d ago
I hope this is okay to post. I work at a health center and a lot of our nurses have taken weight loss drugs. A common issue they had was body dysmorphia. If you Google it, it'll tell you that body dysmorphia is a mental condition where someone spends an unhealthy amount of time worrying about their physical appearance and comparing it to others.
In reality, it is the internal version of you that have created in your mind about how you should look no longer matches your physical body. When people lose a lot of weight quickly, dysmorphic disorders can often develop. It is a weird phenomenon because you aren't questioning your looks necessarily, you are questioning you.
I am not a mental health expert, but from the experience of those I know, it might go away on its own as your brain gets used to its new body. Or if you feel it is more severe or not going away, talk to a provider about it. There are several ways to treat it.
I just want to say that what you are feeling is normal. Good luck on your journey.
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u/imstillhiding 9d ago
I understand you. I was 175 at my heaviest and now I’m 106 and wear a XS/0. I’m not attractive without clothes on. I had a c section and my stomach is absolutely destroyed. Loose skin, pouch, covered in stretch marks. I feel that I look like a shrunken fat person if that makes sense.
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u/DarbyGirl 8d ago
I was that size at one point, actually smaller at 100lbs and an xxs and let me tell you I still thought I was fat. I am 189 now and losing and I wasn't fat then and you aren't now.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone's filtered and posed videos and pictures. I'd also suggest taking up weight lifting to give you some muscle, and therefore some shape.
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u/midasgoldentouch 9d ago
Have you checked out the sub r/loseit? This is a fairly common discussion topic there.
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u/evagans 9d ago
I have so much compassion for you, and you did a very difficult thing.
As for my own story, I'm 5'4" and have always been between 110 and 125 lbs (except when pregnant), and I still look at my body and mostly notice 'imperfections'. It's different now I'm older. Now I notice some of the body stuff (I'm much happier with my body), but also signs of aging. I'm much better than I used to be as a young woman, but this stuff takes work to get through.
Women's relationships with their bodies are so complicated, and I think that's rooted in a completely toxic culture telling you your value as a person as a woman is based on how attractive you are. And how attractive you are is pushed at us through a culture that uses heavily edited and unrealistic images.
It's worse now than when I was growing up (80's teen), but even then we had the media all around us telling us how to be 'pretty' through TV, movies, magazines and Jane Fonda's workouts. Now anyone can edit themselves and have an online presence that isn't really real, so it seems like there are all these 'normal' women who look conventionally perfect.
Also, I hate how women's bodies have fashions. In the 80's it was big boobs, no butt. The last 15? years you need a really exaggerated hourglass figure.
It's all messed up, and so hard to get totally out of your head because it's freaking everywhere.
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u/affogatowwnyc 8d ago
Accept yourself, one of the hardest things to do. What would you say to a good friend who expresses these feelings to you.
I was one of those naturally skinny girls, but perimenopause brought weight gain. I lost about 25 - kudos to you for 85! BUT now I have that saggy belly skin and loose skin in lots of other places. This hot hot summer I decided to say “screw it” and wore the occasional sleeveless top. Flabby thighs at the beach.
You know what? I am a good person regardless! And so are you!
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u/seige197 9d ago
Be kind to yourself. You did something difficult. Losing weight is as hard as quitting drugs or any other addiction. Be proud of yourself.
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u/Interesting-Cut6994 9d ago
This isn’t uncommon, especially if how you look has been defining part in how you see yourself.
There’s actually quite a bit out there about this. Not always weight or look related, but about going from being ‘unseen’ to ‘seen’ in society.
Becoming conventionally ‘aspirarional’, when your previously haven’t been, can be disorienting. It’s often why discussions around ‘pretty’ and ‘thin’ privilege gets so tense. It can be hard to mentally adjust to having attention and influence when you’re not used to it. Or coming into large amounts of money when you grew up in a working community.
Give your mind some time to catch up with how the world receives and interacts with you now. Some people will think you’ve always had it all and will treat you like that. They don’t know your story. And you’re not used to your insecurities not being visibly obvious.
It’ll probs take 1/3 of the time you’d lived pre your weight loss (the time it takes for the brain to properly adapt to a new normal).