r/TwoXChromosomes • u/coldopia • 8d ago
Twelve days after a life altering betrayal. I’m starting to think I’m going to make it through this, but I didn’t feel that way a few days ago.
I’m (32F) no stranger to challenges, especially regarding men. But twelve days ago my partner of one year (we celebrated our anniversary the night before) disappeared while I was at work. No note, left a bunch of his stuff and stole a life altering amount of money from me in the way out. He was facing some legal trouble but nothing serious and we’d spent a lot of the year getting his ducks in a row so to speak to put it behind him. I assume he is running from the law now, but with no communication I can’t know if he’s dead or alive.
Here’s the thing, we had a very pleasant relationship. In fact it thought this was a man that would help heal some of those old wounds from living the life I have. I loved him very much and up until the moment he disappeared he was telling me how much he loved me too. And this is why I am struggling to understand how to cope. It is almost as if he died. The first few days into this I couldn’t do anything. I had serious thoughts about the point of my life, my value as a person and the burden I am on my community. I couldn’t think, couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, couldn’t sleep. But I forced myself to meet my bare minimum needs with the support of my friends, family and coworkers. I’m trying so hard to set myself up for a successful recovery, but sometimes my mind is telling me how slow and foolish I am and sometimes it frightens me. I don’t think I’ve grieved this way before.
Things that are getting easier but are still a challenge:
-Nourishing my body. I haven’t cooked for myself yet but i can keep food down and even felt a bit hungry last night. I’ve lost over ten pounds and my energy levels are low.
-Showering, brushing my teeth and putting on make up. Even though I know when I feel good in my skin I feel better in my brain, I’m still struggling with these things.
-Paying attention when someone is talking to me. I care deeply for my community and work in the service industry. I have support and I feel awful when someone is trying to connect with me and I am mentally preoccupied with the mystery of my (ex?) boyfriend. Like I’m a vampire, taking their energy and giving it to a demon in my mind. Yesterday was the first day I was able to accurately take orders.
-Getting out of bed. I still haven’t gotten out of bed before 1pm, but today I didn’t cry while doing it. I didn’t go straight from my bed to the couch. But ever since he left I wake up with visceral anxiety, like I’m fighting for my life. I’m afraid this won’t ever go away.
-Dream crafting. It’s hard to imagine a future now. I want children, I was planning that life with him and although it’s probably best that someone like him wasn’t the father of mine, I’ve been left feeling too old, too poor, too incapable. Yesterday my friend asked if I wanted to dress up for Halloween. We make plans for costumes. This is the furthest I’ve imagined my life going in two weeks.
I don’t know if I’m doing any of this right. I’m so worried about him and I don’t know if that makes me a fool. I feel like I’m rebuilding a version of myself that is smaller and weaker, but I’m cognizant enough to know I don’t want to let him rob me of my empathy and my kindness. I’m not sure how I didn’t see this coming, didn’t see the signs after living together for so long. The self-doubt is calling forward shadows I didn’t know I had. It’s been twelve days. I don’t know if that’s a long time or a little time.
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u/bruhwhat42069 8d ago
you’re strong. it’s okay to grieve this. society often blames women for missing red flags, but it’s not your fault. focus on healing. we need more feminist support systems to tackle this. keep moving forward.
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u/coldopia 8d ago
I live rurally and often have to grapple with the fact that institutions here are patriarchal in nature and to live the life I want without operating within that system would be socially isolating at best and potentially dangerous. I’m trying to be the good I want to see grow here, but sometimes I doubt myself, my impact, or my relevance in a world that is rapidly deteriorating.
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8d ago
[deleted]
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u/coldopia 8d ago
I appreciate that encouragement. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become healthier, smarter and more confident, but there’s something always eating at the back of my mind saying I’ve missed my window to have the life I want or that I decided to want these things too late. To meet someone else that shares the same values at this point in life feels out of reach to me. Having a hard time deciphering if these thoughts are coming from some engrained codependency or if I’m giving myself a reality check.
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u/MayorCharlesCoulon 8d ago
You are doing a wonderful job of staying on the healing path after this betrayal.
I do want to ask though, did you file a police report for his theft of your money? You might not have the energy for it and that is totally understandable but when the shock wears off and the anger sets in, taking action for your money being deliberately stolen will make you feel more in control.
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u/MaxRokatanski 8d ago
I'm not sure if you can hear this but the man you loved was never real. He put on an act while he used you, while he plotted to steal from you, and when he pretended that your anniversary was something meaningful to him.
I'm sorry you're going through this betrayal. Just remember that he isn't suffering at all. The opposite of love is indifference and I assure you, that is what he is experiencing right now.
I want you to find your self esteem and let that power your anger. File the police report. Burn his belongings (that is, anything that doesn't have monetary value that you can sell). Rise up as the Phoenix that you are.
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u/coldopia 8d ago
I’m finding this has made me realize it’s hard to trust my own judgment. When this is the reality of dealing with men, is there a point or is it a self-harm ritual?
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u/YouStupidBench 8d ago
You're doing great.
Are you in a position to hire someone to track him down and get your money back, or at least ensure that he spends a really long time in jail?
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u/coldopia 8d ago
That thought had crossed my mind but I don’t have any idea how to go about that at all. Do you know how it works?
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u/YouStupidBench 8d ago
I guess I would start with searching on private detectives in your city, or if you live in a really small place the closest big city.
Or maybe file a claim with your homeowner's insurance, if you have a policy that protects you against theft, and after they pay you what was stolen, if the amount is large enough they might have investigators whose job it is to track people down.
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u/le4t 6d ago
If he stole money (and/or stuff), you can just call the police.
Whether they help or not is another issue, but I'd suggest at least trying the free route before hiring someone.
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u/YouStupidBench 6d ago
OP wrote: "I live rurally and often have to grapple with the fact that institutions here are patriarchal in nature and to live the life I want without operating within that system would be socially isolating at best and potentially dangerous."
So there's a possibility that the police won't really look that hard, especially if they think he's fled to another state.
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u/Saffy_88 8d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve this at all.
It sounds like you are doing the right things and making the correct steps; just remember, progress isn't linear and just because you have some set backs doesn't mean you aren't making progress and that you can't keeping moving forward.
Whatever happens, there is still happiness left in life for you, and you will feel at peace again some day. I can promise you thing. The cliche is true - time heals all wounds.
Wishing you all the best stranger
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u/Fafnyr462 7d ago
Wow, this a very fresh wound-give yourself some time to grieve. As you said, it is like he died. Don't beat yourself up sifting over the past trying to figure out where YOU went wrong--not this soon, anyway. So many smart people, male and female, have had the rug pulled out from under them when they had no reason to see it coming. Reach out to your friends and family. Adopt a pet if you can afford to--a cat if you can't be home to take care of a dog. Stay engaged in support groups online if you aren't in an area large enough to support in-purpose groups. When you feel up to it, look into volunteering, just to get back out among people. Take it slow, give yourself some grace.
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u/mvms 8d ago
First of all: you are doing great. Every small step you take is a healing one.
Second: love doesn't die all at once for most people. Don't feel guilty for being worried. You're going to go through all the stages of grief at your own pace.
Last: tell me about your Halloween plans! Sharing the good things usually helps me feel better.