I’ve only been attracted to taken men and vice versa

[u/alybsahn]

I (20f) am just now realising I’ve only ever been interested in or had ‘crushes’ on guys who have girlfriends, and more often than not they’re my friend’s boyfriend’s. I’m autistic plus had a lot of trauma growing up so I’ve always been kind of behind in terms of ‘girlhood’ I guess (compared to my friends at least), so I should clarify and say I’ve never ever been with any of these men, or any men, or even had my first kiss. I was an overweight kid growing up so never had boys have crushes on me or anything. The only times I have EVER received male attention is from guys who had girlfriends or were dating my literal friends. Obviously I would never pursue my friend’s partners (although as a young autistic girl who craved any kind of attention I didn’t understand that I was being inappropriate by texting/calling/spending time with my friend’s boyfriends. I would never do that now of course).

But I just don’t understand why this is the case. I could understand why the few times I’ve been interested in a guy I know they’ve been unattainable just like how I’ve always had a lot of celebrity crushes which are obviously unattainable. There’s a kind of safety in feeling that way towards someone who you don’t think will actually pursue you back (also I consider myself bi so… maybe I’m a lesbian? But I don’t think so, I think I am physically attracted to men just very traumatised)

The thing that trips me up is that literally every time I’ve ever received attention from a man growing up to literally today, it’s always from my friend’s boyfriend’s or a guy who I know has a girlfriend? For example in 6th grade a boy in my class decided to hangout with me on a school field trip and bought me flowers, all while his girlfriend was right there and she hates me to this day (I understand now that I shouldn’t have gone along with that 😭). The crush I had in 7th and 8th grade had a girlfriend the whole time he was texting em daily and playing video games with me daily and writing me letters and calling me pretty. Around that same time my best friend got her first boyfriend, he used to text and call me too and joke about kissing me. In 9th grade my friend’s boyfriend would hangout with me, make me playlists, play video games, compliment me, play with my hair. As I said, I was a very sad and struggling kid so I kind of went ‘oh look, someone likes me!’ before I could get to the ‘oh this is inappropriate and I’m encouraging something hurtful’ point. 10th and 11th grade I was very close with a guy who had a girlfriend but he would joke about how we were the exact same girl and how he would decide to just spend time with me ‘as his girlfriend’ instead of her. I did put a stop to this behaviour and eventually our friendship but it just… keeps happening?

I just was wondering if anyone could help me understand why this keeps happening, why not only I feel interested in these guys but why they give me that attention too?. I would never ever act on any of it or pursue them of course. Maybe because I never had that kind of childhood ‘first love’ experiences I just see my friends experiencing love and because I’m scared of intimacy I’m living vicariously through them in a way? I don’t know.

[u/recyclopath_]

I'm seconding the vetting theory. Men who have partners are easier to see as safe and having desirable qualities. You get to actually see them with a partner and how they treat her.

I'd take this to mean that it's extremely important to you that a potential partner is vetted by people who have your best interests at heart. This could easily extend to an established friendship.

[u/RhealwsCrocodile → u/recyclopath_]

Interesting take!

[u/recyclopath_ → u/RhealwsCrocodile]

I think the autistic + trauma likely makes it hard for OP to feel like men are safe without an external vetting from other women.

I've known women like this. Fearful and mistrusting of men in general. When friends have bfs around her she is able to relax around the bf because she trusts the friends. But then she doesn't really know how to act appropriately around men who are trusted. Then it gets weird.

The other group of women who did this kind of thing in my life. They are very... sexually competitive I guess is the right way to phrase it. She wants to sleep with your boyfriend but usually restrains herself for her friends. You can't tell her you like a guy because then she will bust her ass to sleep with him first. Makes it a goal to sleep with all of your ex boyfriends.

[u/s_decoy]

Do you have many male friends? Could it just be that you feel those men have been "vetted" and are safe because they are involved with your friends? I know I struggle to feel attracted to a man until I've gotten to be pretty good friends with him, which I think isn't out of the ordinary. If you don't have a lot of male friends you feel close to, it could just be that your friends' partners are the closest thing you have to be attracted to, even if you would never pursue them.

[u/Corka]

How much are you talking to guys who arent taken? If you are mainly just talking to those in your social circle, and they are in your social circle because they are in relationships with your friends? Then that could partially explain things.

[u/Truth_Seeker963]

I think you may be mistaking friendliness for romantic interest, since you don’t have a lot of experience with male attention.