r/YouShouldKnow • u/LtSoundwave • Jul 19 '20

Other YSK That many people with a disability consider their aides (wheelchair, etc.) an extension of themselves. You should ask before touching or moving them.

Read this article and was surprised to hear how many people struggle with this. Even if you are trying to help, you should ask first.

www.bbc.com/news/disability-49584591

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649

u/DaToeBeans Jul 19 '20

This happens a lot with canes too. People will move my cane if it’s leaning against my teacher desk because “I just keep knocking it down!” or it’s in their way. Or they pick it up and start fiddling with it while talking to me. Like if it’s one of my students, that’s one thing. But adults do it plenty as well.

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u/[deleted] Jul 19 '20

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u/FinishingDutch Jul 19 '20

I had to walk on crutches/ with a crutch for a while after I broke my left ankle. Had two surgeries and pins installed. It happened when I was a teen.

People - teens but also adults - felt COMPELLED to grab them and play around with them. And move them out of reach without asking.

It got to the point where I basically had to threaten people with beating them to death with the crutch if they touched them. And I fucking meant it.

36

u/Triknitter Jul 20 '20

That’s a legit ptsd trigger for me. I was repeatedly assaulted in college and Buttnugget would kick my crutches out from under me or move them out of my reach to immobilize me.

Don’t. Fucking. Touch. My crutches.

25

u/blindchickruns Jul 19 '20

People get pissed at me when I am shopping and accidentally hit them or their cart with my cane. That is what my cane is supposed to do. It even has this tip on it that makes noise so people can hear it. I mean, it's a fucking white cane. Clearly, I didn't see whatever it was that I hit; and no, I am not going to be more careful. The cane is performing as intended. You have eyes and ears, pay attention for once. Grab the hand of the toddler running around. Get Granny's attention and show her what's going on since she left her hearing aids at home. It's really not hard.

But grab my cane and so help me God you better be ready to fight. I now know exactly where you are when you do that and you are going to see me very angry. If I need to defend myself you are close enough I can get it done right.

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u/Liquid_Is_A_Paper Jul 19 '20

I can relate. Once I was shopping with a friend of mine and he straight-up grabbed my chair and started pushing me towards the exit after we'd finished. I was SO mad at him, I don't think I've ever yelled at a friend like I did at him that day. I know he meant nothing by it but he had no idea how genuinely awful it feels to have someone grab you (or your aid, which feels like part of you) like that.

26

u/dudemo Jul 19 '20

Fuck, it's worse than that. I've had people in the grocery store move me out of the way of the item their trying to get. Like I'm some goddamn grocery cart or something.

I went bananas. I said it in another post on Reddit earlier today that the next time someone tries to push my wheelchair, I am going to let them. Then I'm going to nonchalantly roll up behind them and start pushing them in their back. When they ask what I'm doing, I'm going to reply "Oh, I thought we were playing some kind of game where we push each other where we want them. If we aren't, don't fucking touch me or my chair."

2

u/miskwu Jul 20 '20

OMG people are morons. What is so fucking difficult about saying excuse me? I'm raging for you just reading this, I can't even imagine how you deal with that.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '20

I've told this story before, but I was in line for a bar when a guy ahead of me and my friends saw me, then practically ran over my friends backing up to let me in. He hasn't said a word to me by the way. I tell him to go as I'm still getting my ID checked, then he comes around and grabs my wheelchair. Of course I start screaming at him not to touch me, I don't know him. He FINALLY speaks and says "I was just trying to help." I've even had a friend not know how to deal with my chair and almost injure me, including leaning on it with a lit cigarette in her hand- I almost burned myself on it and had to tell her not to lean on me like that. And then there's me not wanting to ever have to ride the Metro in L.A. in my chair again because I had two drivers just grab my chair to haul me up the ramp, and another that dropped the ramp right in front of a bench so the driver had to push me off the ramp on the side.

I also remember an entitled Karen getting mad at me for asking her young son politely to not play with my cane.

I honestly think the worst part of it is people trying to tell me how to react to these jerks- that instead of yelling at the guy who just grabbed me without asking I should have patiently explained to another grown ass man not to touch me without permission. No the fuck I shouldn't, I ain't his daddy and he should already know NOT to just grab people. On top of that I'm not letting some fucking rando push me wherever, and not everyone know how to safely push a wheelchair so I risk injury.

I wish others would remember that we're full human beings who need the same respect others do, NOT to be humiliated and treated like an idiot or a child, including keeping your fucking hands to yourself.

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u/Liquid_Is_A_Paper Jul 20 '20

You wouldn't grab an abled stranger's arm and pull them where you want them to go. You wouldn't pick up an abled person if you thought it'd help them move faster. Don't drag, pull or pick me up either!!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '20

That's pretty much what I said to one of the bus drivers after he hauled me up: "would you grab anyone else by their arm and haul them up just because they're not going fast enough?" " Of course not!" "Then don't do it to me." He seemed to understand at least but clearly something is lacking in their training when I've used the local bus system and never EVER had that issue before, but Metro consistently fucked it up.

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u/TheEyeDontLie Jul 19 '20 edited Jul 19 '20

As a chef I can relate. 16 hours a day the knife is an extension of your body. You do not touch a chef's knife without explicitly asking first, unless you're best buddies who have worked together for years. I flinch and feel physically uncomfortable whenever someone even moves my knife, as if they'd grabbed my thigh or started stroking my back. If they're underneath me (an apprentice or bartender or whatever) I'll usually yell at them. If they're a boss, I usually say "Please stop. Don't use my knife without permission. I'll get you a sharp knife or I'll do it for you. It makes me uncomfortable". They never understand, but it's like a prosthetic or a piece of clothing, or like someone touching your hair pins or your jewelry.

"Don't touch my dick, don't touch my knife" is a common kitchen saying.

To them, it's just a tool, but to you it's part of you, sometimes with a name like a child (Horsey, Killer, Sweetie, Flip-flop, Cannibal, and Sparkles are my main set), but always a personal part of you. I don't say goodnight to my clothing, but I say goodnight to my knives.

If you don't regularly touch someone's child or penis, don't touch their knives or canes or wheelchairs.

Edit to add:
Horsey= a big curved scalloped edge knife.
Killer= a little Japanese style knife, bigger than a paring knife, smaller than a cook's.
Sweetie= a gorgeous midsize cook's knife. Flip-flop= the most well balanced, spin-able knife I ever had. It's like a German style but rectangle, no tip).
Cannibal= my filleting knife. Bastard regularly draws human blood when it's supposed to be trimming 100lb of ribeye or salmon.
Sparkles= My darling paring knife.

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u/[deleted] Jul 19 '20

[deleted]

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u/Liquid_Is_A_Paper Jul 19 '20

THIS. I only need to use a chair on the worse days - most days I don't need any mobility aids; the disability still affects the way I move and do things, but I'm able to walk unaided most of the time. As a result, I'm often made to feel like a fraud or fake or something when I DO have to use my chair - even though trying to move without it on bad days would be at best painful and at worse dangerous.

Non-disabled people have a very set and rigid idea of what constitutes "real" disability, and that needs to change.

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u/blindchickruns Jul 19 '20

Do not get me started on the people who think I am faking blindness. News flash, most legally blind individuals have some useable vision. Yes, I can see enough to look towards your face. I can still see the symbols of the products I use because they have been the same since before my eyes went to shit. The fact that I am capable of looking at your face, does not mean I can actually focus on it. I'm getting bad enough now I can't necessarily guess a gender just from facial features anymore. Sorry, I'm not faking Karen; it's really time to see someone about your narcissism now.

Sorry. Just venting. But it's like the cane brings the attention of narcissistic personalities because they sense weakness. It's very bizarre.

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u/rkei Jul 20 '20 edited Jul 20 '20

Yeah that’s awful.... I’ll be honest, I’d never tell someone “oh, you’re not blind” (because how rude is that??), but somehow I never really understood the “blind doesn’t mean I see black like when you close your eyes” thing until I heard of Molly Burke (legally blind, looks not blind, does tons of YouTube videos about her life + Q&As on blindness etc). I even knew one of my mom’s friends was blind but I didn’t realize just how much remaining vision she had or how common it was until then - in retrospect, i think “legally blind” implied “but not bliiind blind, just really bad” somehow? Made much more sense in retrospect but it just didn’t click before that.

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u/blindchickruns Jul 20 '20

Yeah. The vision I once had is just no longer there. The best way I can describe it is I am falling slowly into an abyss. There is no color to be seen. It just doesn't exist. That feature is being slowly removed over time.

3

u/haelennaz Jul 20 '20

I also didn't understand this until I had a class with a woman who had a guide dog but could read a laptop if the print was so large that you could only fit a few letters on screen at a time. And then one day she told me my coat looked really warm! I was surprised at first, but it was a long puffy coat, so I realized she must have been able to compare my normal size and shape with what I looked like that day, and logic would of course dictate that I don't actually expand when the weather is extremely cold, so I must have a large coat.

5

u/black_raven98 Jul 20 '20

I work a lot with people who are disabled in one way ore another (paramedic) and it's astonishing how most people have the idea that wheelchair equals totally unable to walk. Like that's the rare exception.

Most people that use wheelchairs are perfectly capable of standing up with some assistance while holding on to a handrail or something. That's literally how we transfer them from the wheelchair onto our chair most of the time, standing up with assistance and swapping chairs. Quite a few are also capable of walking arround their house on flat floors while holding onto stuff or using other aids like a cane or crutches for short distances like the way to the toilet. They just lack the strength or coordination to walk for extended periods of time or over obstacles like slopes or stairs.

Like yea grandma can make you a coffee when you visit because she just has to stand for a short time while being able to hold onto the kitchen counter, but if you want to take her for a stroll because the weather is nice she needs a wheelchair because her legs get wobbly after walking past 2 houses. Or the dude with cerebral palsy can get out of his wheelchair to go to the toilet at the restaurant while bracing against a wall on flat ground but can't get out of the restaurant without it because that small hight difference at the door is something that will definitely make him fall.

Wheelchair only means you are unable to walk arround the way people without disability would even if you used other aids like crutches.

3

u/rkei Jul 20 '20

Yup, used to help people with disabilities during summers, several little old ladies with disabilities also had a wheelchair for long distances. They sometimes would get up & wander away from their chairs if they got bored of whatever activity was going on that day, and I’d turn around from assisting another guest and have to figure out where she went. Definitely not a always in the chair thing!

3

u/rkei Jul 20 '20

Yuuup. I was on crutches for several weeks a year or so ago after injuring my ankle. It wasn’t like, broken, just injured enough that it hurt & needed to heal. So after the first couple days to a week, I could walk if I had to, for small but increasing distances - but I definitely wasn’t supposed to. I’m pretty heavy, and because of that the doctor told me not to walk on it as much as possible until it stopped hurting to, or it wouldn’t heal properly/take way longer.

Thing is I still had to move around at work to get to cupboards etc, and walking a couple steps from the chair they let me use (vs standing like normal) to the cupboards was doable after I went back a week or two in. So I’d feel super self conscious grabbing the crutches again when I had to go further, from where they were leaning next to me, and sometimes I just brought one to use - which was kind of harder but felt less weird somehow. Probably because with just one leaning up beside me vs two, they didn’t fall over as much.

18

u/UpsideDownwardSpiral Jul 20 '20

As a chef with around 20 years of experience and having recently lost my vision, I can attest that it's not the same.

Not wanting someone touching our knives is being protective or possessive of a valuable tool.

While someone moving or taking an item that you rely on to function with independence essentially removes the ability to function.

I understand why initially it could seem like the same thing, but I assure you that it isn't.

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u/still_gonna_send_it Jul 19 '20

with a name like a child

Horsey, Killer, Sweetie, Flip-flop, Cannibal, Sparkles

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u/PanzerOfTheLake__ Jul 19 '20

Im naming my child flip flop. But so that it doesn't arouse suspicion I will name him phlipillpe phlopillpe

15

u/JoeDirtTrenchCoat Jul 19 '20

Not to diminish how you feel but I think it's irresponsible to compare these two things. It's several orders of magnitude in difference. I would feel uncomfortable if someone moved my tooth brush, but it's not the same thing as moving someone's wheel chair, and comparing them diminishes the point at hand.

3

u/netsuad Jul 19 '20

I think hes more talking about the object being an extension of the body thing. Obviously a knife is less important than a wheelchair.

Kinda like driving a car, its like moving your arm or leg, you dont have to think about how to manipulate the object, if yiu want to turn left your brain just does it, you want to dice an onion, it just happens, and i imagine if you use a wheelchair you're not consciously thinking of how you interact with the wheels, it just happens.

3

u/JoeDirtTrenchCoat Jul 19 '20

Yes, s/he's not wrong for the content -- it's the context.

1

u/Hikure Aug 14 '20

Yeah I'm pretty sure they were trying to base it off of the closest thing they knew and related to - not try to diminish a disabled person.

5

u/throwdemout Jul 20 '20

You sound odd honestly. It's a tool

7

u/GavinZac Jul 20 '20

Christ only a chef could compare a tool to a wheelchair

12

u/trenlr911 Jul 19 '20

Don’t you think you’re going overboard? It’s a knife dude. Relax. It’s not the same as touching a little kids dick lmao. Cooked for years and never met anybody who feels the way you do

2

u/ihopethisisvalid Jul 20 '20

Don't touch my knife. Don't touch my dick.

Seriously.

1

u/darkfuryelf Jul 20 '20

Cooked /where/

3

u/trenlr911 Jul 20 '20

I’m not telling somebody who names their knives after horses where I used to cook

1

u/darkfuryelf Jul 21 '20

Yeah but if you say “yeah I used to cook” you could’ve worked at a diner or a Michelin star restaurant. Also I’m not OP dingdong

1

u/The_Dank_Memer1 Jul 19 '20

"Don't touch my dick, don't touch my wife don't touch my knife."

1

u/Captain_Biotruth Jul 20 '20

What on earth...

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '20

[deleted]

1

u/4nimal Jul 20 '20

You sound more passionate about your knives than some people sound about their kids. I ain’t mad at it.

2

u/Mokohi Jul 20 '20

Someone decided that it would be a great idea to grab my cane and "lead me by it" like an animal. When I pulled back, the rope inside broke (folding walking cane for visual impairment.) I was unbelievably pissed.

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u/[deleted] Jul 20 '20

Fucking PREACH.

58

u/Kibeth_8 Jul 19 '20

I work in healthcare in a fairly small office. I have to get people lie down on a bed, and if they have a cane I usually move it out of the way when they're getting up on the bed or already lying down, so that I can get in close beside them. Would that bother you? I try to make sure I always hand it back right after when they're getting up, but would it be more polite to ask if I can move it first?

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u/DaToeBeans Jul 19 '20

I’d personally be okay with that. But I can also walk (usually) without my cane for short distances while some are much more dependent. Never hurts to ask though!

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u/Kibeth_8 Jul 19 '20

Thanks! I'll try to be more conscious of that in the future :)

4

u/burlycabin Jul 19 '20

You're a kind and thoughtful person.

27

u/ThatSquareChick Jul 19 '20

I wear a dexcom diabetes glucose monitor, it looks like a big, gray, button attached to my arm.

People already think every part of you is literally up for grabs when you’re a dancer and that only bothers me when I’ve already told someone not to touch me. What bothers me is when they grab at my monitor as if they wanna pick it off me or tap it like a fish tank. Dude, I understand why you wanna grab my butt except leave my medical device out of it. When they ask about it, people will go to touch it like I have no idea what they’ll be talking about when they say “hey, what’s that thing on your arm?” I can’t cover it because it works on Bluetooth and it’ll give false readings if I try to keep people from touching it by hiding it. Not much I can hide once the third stage song hits anyway.

I just wish people would stop touching it when they ask about it. I know exactly what they mean, I just want them to leave it alone!

11

u/Kibeth_8 Jul 19 '20

I see a ton of people with these but I have no idea how they work. Is it like... Pierced into your skin somehow? It's only for taking for glucose level right, you still need to do an insulin shot?

15

u/The-Master-Mind Jul 19 '20

The dexcom is inserted with an inserter device, which is not reusable (new device for each sensor). The device basically stabs you with a needle, but then the needle retracts, leaving a thin flexible wire under your skin. This wire sends signals about the levels of glucose in the interstitial fluid, to the transmitter which is the gray oval thingy you see on the arm. Each sensor lasts 10 days. And no, the sensor has nothing to do with insulin delivery, you also have to either take insulin shots or use an insulin pump for that.

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u/Kibeth_8 Jul 19 '20

That is so cool. Thank you for the explanation! Are you able to insert them yourself, or do you go to a doctor for that?

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u/The-Master-Mind Jul 20 '20

You insert them yourself! It’s super easy, you just clean the skin, take the sticker backing off, remove the button guard, and push the button. It happens in one second and barely hurts, sometimes you don’t even feel it. Then you put the transmitter (gray oval thingy) onto the sensor and you’re good to go! It takes a couple hours to warm up and then displays readings every five minutes on your pump/phone/smart watch/receiver/etc.

17

u/iamfearformylife Jul 19 '20

i don't have a cane but i would imagine it would be good to at least say "hey I'm moving your cane to <location> so i can have easier access"

7

u/AliveAndKickingAss Jul 19 '20

please ask, if you move it out of reach you're probably doing a disservice.

10

u/Kibeth_8 Jul 19 '20

Thank you, I will definitely do my best to remember this next time!

1

u/Triknitter Jul 20 '20

Yes. It would bother me and destroy any trust. Ask first, then move.

1

u/VixenRoss Jul 20 '20

You could say “I’m just moving your cane/crutch/stick to do xyz but I will move it back so you can easily reach it”. And then move it back.

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u/[deleted] Jul 19 '20 edited Oct 11 '20

[deleted]

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u/DaToeBeans Jul 19 '20

Like kids (and some adults) will start twirling it around, play with the wrist strap, or stand there and pretend to use it. Some even start hobbling around on it. It’s happened A LOT.

4

u/Beatnholler Jul 19 '20

What do you say to people when they do that? I once accidentally knocked someone's cane with my guitar case and I apologized until they told me to shut up and fuck off.

3

u/DaToeBeans Jul 20 '20

With my students, I explain why it’s not appropriate. With adults, I usually just raise my eyebrows at them until they put it down. Most people don’t apologize when they knock my cane over. Adults at least offer to pick it back up lol

4

u/Beatnholler Jul 20 '20

Unbelievable. I don't know what is wrong with people. There was a post on reddit not long ago where a Karen took a newly visually impaired woman's cane because her kid wanted to play with it and she was "faking it anyway" in the middle of a grocery store, on her first solo trip out to the store no less. I can't believe how horrible people can be to the disabled. I have an invisible disability and listen to my coworkers talk shit on people with my condition every single day. I can't imagine the rage you must cope with. Thanks for informing people here.

2

u/Tinsel-Fop Jul 20 '20

Is this why you carry a second cane? To beat them with it?

2

u/LoyalBastet Sep 25 '20

Thank god someone mentioned this! I once had a man try to give MY cane to an older lady. When I tried to explain that it belonged to me, he yelled, called me a lier, THEN wanted me to “prove” I was disabled, even with the lady telling him she doesn’t use a cane. People fucking suck sometimes.

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u/[deleted] Jul 19 '20

If somebody picks up your cane, do you feel it?

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u/DaToeBeans Jul 19 '20

I sense it. All disabled people have spidey senses. Fact.

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u/jynx18 Jul 19 '20

I hate when people touch my acne!