r/addiction • u/ObviousShock8790 • 1d ago
Venting I'm 18 and hate myself
I'm 18 and I've been using for the last 3 years. My docs are pretty much codeine, Xanax, weed and Ritalin. I want to get clean so bad I even did a stint in rehab and relapsed the day after I left. The whole time I was there they told me that my disease is like no other and progresses extremely fast. I'm high right now and honestly hate myself for it. I just wanna stop disappointing and hurting my family. I want to get clean but every chance I get I use and can't control it. I hate myself because of it but I just don't want to live a sober life but I want sobriety ig. This lifestyle of lying to everyone is killing me and Im at the point where I want to kill myself. This is a cry for help please can somebody help me. I'm so sick of being me.
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u/Significant_Ad_9446 Moderator 1d ago
It’s normal to feel how you’re feeling but the good news is that you’re very young so if you stop now you can save yourself even more shit. I’m 24 and recognize addiction is a disease but can be treated with community
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u/ObviousShock8790 1d ago
The thing is even tho I wanna stop I just love drugs and getting high but hate what they do to me. I wanna be the son my parents can be proud of but that's just not me and I don't know if it ever will be.
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u/Significant_Ad_9446 Moderator 1d ago
I recently realized that no matter how much I feel like I love drugs it’s all bs and is the same shit with each relapse if not worse
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u/icecreamboy98 1d ago
Its easy if you know how to cure it
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u/ObviousShock8790 1d ago
I know the cure. Na and a twelve step program I've done both but they never stuck
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u/icecreamboy98 1d ago
Yes because these kind of programs dont work. Gotta get rid of the trauma and talking is not the way. There a specific techniques to release these surpressed emotiona
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u/Significant_Ad_9446 Moderator 1d ago
There is no cure only treatment and those techniques you mentioned may not work for everyone and not all addiction is born from trauma mine is simply born from boredom and loneliness due to my slight autism
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u/icecreamboy98 1d ago
If you believe this, it may become true for you. I helped many clients with ADHD, shizophrenia, addictions, sexually and physically abused people. There are many cures but only a few know really how to help. If you need no help thats fine. I hope you heal
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u/Smart_Pin8591 1d ago
Hey, just know that I and we support you, and that you're not alone. Nothing you're saying, or describing is unique to you. Of course you want to be high, just like anyone that deals with addiction wants whatever their drug of choice is. At a certain point, you have to just realize that you won't be able to have your cake and eat it too. You can choose to continue using, but you will continue to suffer because of it. One of the hardest things about addiction is that the thing that makes you feel good/normal, is the same thing that's also destroying you. It's hard to imagine a sober life when all you've known is being in some kind of altered state. I think you already know what you're looking for won't be found in drugs. Going down that road has led you to not liking where, and who you are today. Cement that in your mind and remember how you feel today. You don't ever have to feel like it again. Sobriety offers more than you can ever realize right now. It's just waiting for you to put in the work to achieve, and there is an army of us on the other side that knows exactly where you are, and can help show you the way. If you want a different result from what you're getting, you're going to have to take a different road to get there. Most people need some help, and a community to achieve sobriety. I'd encourage you to look into any of the many support groups that are available. AA, NA, Smart Recovery, Dharma, etc. I don't know where you're located but in the U.S. there are physical meetings happening regularly, and online there are meetings of some kind or another happening constantly. They also have meetings specifically for young people. If you can get into a treatment rehab, that would also be something to seriously consider. It could be a great way to jumpstart your sobriety in a safe environment. I wish you support, you can do this!
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u/ObviousShock8790 1d ago
I would love to go back to NA but my parents are extremely religious and I came out to them after I left rehab and my parents believe that NA made me gay so they want me to do recovery by forcing Christianity down my throat. I'm an atheist so this doesn't help me at all and with them being against recovery to such an extent I don't know if I'll be able to do rehab or NA while I stay with them
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u/General_50081 1d ago
What do you believe can help you? Rehab didn’t work, can you meet with a doctor and work on a tapering plan? It still won’t take away the urges
It sounds like you need inpatient rehab, we will continue to falter on our own choices with addiction.
Please try and take steps to get better
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u/ObviousShock8790 1d ago
I've just got out of rehab and 3 months ago and actually finished the 12 steps but while in there I finished the medical funds for mental health that we had for myself and now can't afford any psychiatric help but I have been searching trying to get some
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u/ApophenicPareidolia 1d ago
The things you've been using suppress Cortisol output. If you fix the cortisol problem, then addiction usually halts.
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u/ObviousShock8790 1d ago
How could I go about doing that?
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u/ApophenicPareidolia 1d ago
Energy status is easiest manipulated by food sources. Disenabling CRH the signal for cortisol can be accomplished by simply consuming organic unrefined coconut oil.
A high meat diet to follow that is a good start
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