seeking advice re: partner and cocaine addiction

[u/anomynommm]

hello there all, thanks for taking the time to read this and offer any thoughts or advice you might have. i will do my best to keep this short and to the point.

my partner doesn’t know that i know that he is using cocaine. i found out many months ago from his close friend/roommate (this person assumed i was already aware). i am somewhat naive about drugs like this when it comes to behavior and such, and looking back to before i found out, i can see that there were definitely signs. now that i know it is really quite obvious.

i haven’t brought it up with my partner, and the reason isn’t related to my inquiry here so i’ll leave that out unless anyone is super curious.

outside of very little sleep, he has seemingly been functioning as typical for him up until recently. he got pretty sick and experienced intense sinus problems and horrible headaches every morning and went to the hospital for help. he’s sleeping maybe a handful of hours a day if he’s lucky, sometimes only one. it’s becoming somewhat challenging to witness. he steals away often to maintain, and i think at this point it is safe to assume he’s using all day every day. his nose is constantly running and i have seen bloody tissue paper.

this knowledge i am holding quietly is starting to weigh on me and what i would like is to tell him that i know and offer a safe space for him to talk if he would like that. i don’t know if he is still enjoying it, if he wants support regarding his addiction, if its making him absolutely miserable. i do not judge him in the slightest, and although i am quite worried and scared for his health and his mind, i also dont want to make it about my feelings and thoughts. i simply want to let him know that i am aware and to let him know that i am open to listening to him if he wants to share what he’s going through with me.

people with addictions: what, to you, would be a good way to be approached like this? any thoughts are appreciated.

some additional information: his friend and roommate has expressed worry and fear directly with my partner in the past, and it seems like my partner told him he would ease off (he was having seizures, which he related to overuse of kratum). my partner’s outlook on life is ultra accepting of any given situation, compassion (including self-compassion) super worry free, huge emphasis on autonomy etc. also, i am 37f and my partner is 39m. we do not live together

ok, i think that’s good for now. if there’s any other questions that will help with your advice i am open to answering as best as i can. i didn’t ask for this secret and i dont know what to do with it anymore

thank you in advance

edit: grammar

[u/AutoModerator]

Don’t forget to check out our Resources wiki page, which includes helpful information such as global suicide hotlines, recovery services, and a recovery Discord server where you can seek further support.

Join our chatroom and come talk with us!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Itsallwrongasofnow]

Ex-cocaine addict.

Burned the hole from my nose into my mouth.

Burned my life down to the ground and became homeless three times because of it.

I almost died dozens of times more.

Here's the approach that would have worked for me:

"I know you're doing coke."

"Why?"

I doubt "cuz it makes me feel good" will be the answer.

Cocaine or any drug, or any addiction, is not the problem.

The reason why he feels the need to use them, certainly is.

The pain, confusion, fear, and shame, are the fuel. The addiction is just the vehicle he's using to run away from it.

That's what he needs to understand. Because until he does he's going to keep running, and keep using, that's the way it works.

Trust me... Billions and billions of dollars are built on a market of people feeling the way he does, and the way you do about it.

It's called therapy, recovery, medication, and the "you've got to think positive/change your thoughts change your life" crowd.

Good luck thinking positive and changing your thoughts when you feel like he does.

Now you have to decide what is best for you.

His answer to this information, will be all the information you need to make that decision.

There's help out here for him. And there's help out here for you.

[u/anomynommm → u/Itsallwrongasofnow]

thanks for your detailed response, i appreciate your insight. something that i didn’t add in my original post is a conversation he and i had about a year ago that keeps echoing in my mind. in short, i have adhd and i saw signs in him as well and he got an assessment and sure enough, he has adhd. i made a half-way joking comment that went, “you’re gonna be like a machine on meds” and i am certain this is irrational of me but i have a lot of guilt about saying that. shortly after this is when i started seeing some behavior changes which confused and hurt me, and i think he started using again to enhance himself creatively and in other ways .

obviously (and logically) i am in no way responsible for his actions and i also know that he has used off and on in the past as well. i carry a good deal of regret regarding that comment

it seems to me that this was meant to boost performance and now he’s in pretty deep it looks like.

i like your suggestion of just being factual and direct about it. thanks again for your response

[u/Itsallwrongasofnow → u/anomynommm]

You're welcome. Thank you for sharing something so important to you. And you're right you have nothing to do with his problem. He has nothing to do with it either. It's just the pain he's running from.

And you know what I found as an addict?

That I didn't know I had all these problems until someone taught them to me.

You weren't born with these problems, you weren't born with these feelings, which tells me that they are not yours.

If you think back before all the nightmare started, that was before your programming/conditioning/training.

Somewhere between your first breath and now, something horrible happened to you. It's got a name.

Edward Bernays' 10 23 1986 interview Will enlighten you.

But here's the spoiler, here's the name:

Profit.

[u/anomynommm → u/Itsallwrongasofnow]

thanks for this, i’ll check that interview out. i’ve long known that the system is designed to keep the masses sick, distracted, numb, disconnected and most importantly, paying.

appreciate it very much

[u/Itsallwrongasofnow → u/anomynommm]

You're very welcome.

I wish I could say "enjoy it," but you won't.

Rage and spite go a long way.

Sometimes to freedom.

[u/anomynommm → u/Itsallwrongasofnow]

hey, thought i would stop by and say i initiated the hard conversation with my partner and it was quite the positive experience. i am so relieved to not carry the weight of this secret anymore, and my partner expressed relief as well. he also opened up space for any questions i might have, which i appreciated very much. overall, i accomplished my goal of revealing the secret while simultaneously giving him a compassionate space to share what he’s going through if he finds himself needing or wanting.

thanks again for your insight!

[u/Itsallwrongasofnow → u/anomynommm]

You made my day!

You've given my life the meaning I've so longed for.

Thank you...for life.