I am tired of giving power to my addictions

[u/dunnie31]

Hi everybody. I’m a 34 year old dude coming to this subreddit because I genuinely can’t take my addictions anymore, and I want to finally move forward with my life in a positive direction.

To put it bluntly, I don’t fully know what the fuck happened in my childhood for me to wind up here. I don’t remember much of my life growing up, even a good amount of my 20s. I didn’t really have a lot of friends as a kid, and the ones I had often treated me poorly. My parents were/are genuine, kind, loving people, but they threw me and my sister to the wolves a lot, pushing us past “building character” and into completely blind territory navigating everything. I was a straight A student groomed for academic success and it turned me into a perfectionist at a super young age. With all of this stress and nowhere to fully direct it, I started watching porn as an outlet and, as embarrassing as it is to say, I was obsessed for a long time. In my mid 20s, I started smoking a lot of weed, and even though it’s not a problem now, it became a crutch for a period of my life. And when I turned 30, I got into drinking which developed into full-blown alcoholism (thankfully I’ll be a year sober next month).

So why this post? I’m ashamed, full of guilt, and borderline desperate for help at times. I have an incredible wife, wonderful family, and other things like my job that keep me busy/happy. But dude, I hate myself so much for what I put others and myself through. Addiction took so much from me…all the time wasted that could have been placed elsewhere. The fights and blowups that didn’t need to happen. I fucking hate it all. I’m so angry writing this because I just can’t believe how bad it got for so long.

I don’t even know how to end this post. I apologize if it comes across as a rant but I don’t want to suffer in silence anymore. I am an addict. I still struggle with horrible thoughts and guilt from my mistakes. What can I do?

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[u/Environmental_Eye539]

Forgive yourself, matter fact praise yourself. Every day stand in the mirror and say "im proud of you".

[u/Enough-Worry8170]

Be proud of yourself. I never got to 1 full year sober it is really impressive. Keep taking it one day at a time and focus on people and things in your life that you value and remember that they/that are worth more than a drink. And if you find yourself in a situation where you need a drink try to stop and reflect on WHY you need it and work with that feeling or problem. Easier said than done for sure, and it’s something im myself is working on but it actually works. Just need to be persistent. And also have a good support system and communicate with them about your problems. I dont have one and i think thats a big reason why im struggling.

[u/Random13509]

Even though I don't know you, I am proud of/happy for you quitting and still only 34. I stopped drinking at 49 and am taking on a couple more things at 53.

Forgive yourself and be the best (well, at least better - best sometimes sounds so absolutist) person you can be going forward. Life happens fast, don't waste any more of it on addictions or shame/guilt over past addiction. Just learn from it all.

I too was academically blessed, had lots taken away. I wasted many years, lost out on many things. I'm not even married, not happy about a lot of this sometimes, so I get it. I had some childhood trauma that I fully see now messed things up for me. Just a side note.

Don't waste more away. Trust me, it will keep taking until we put an end to it all. At 34, I say you are doing great. Be easy on yourself and just keep putting your best (or is it better?) foot forward!