Someone I fell so deeply for this year, someone I thought I would marry and have children with and build a little home and garden with - told me he realized he was an alcoholic about a month ago and nothing has been the same since. We’ve spoken once since then, when he told me he missed me and cared deeply for me and was going to marry me…and then he disappeared. He used to disappear in the earlier days for a few days at a time, no big deal. But now it’s absence for much longer.

My anxiety got the best of me after 10 days of not hearing from him despite me reaching out every few days. I even said explicitly that I really needed attention soon and that his absence was making me feel really sad. But not that it had to be a long conversation or anything, just an acknowledgment to know he still cared. He never responded.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, and I finally wrote “I can’t do this anymore”.

4 hours later he finally responded “I’m sorry. I wish I could be the person you needed me to be.”

We exchanged a few words. He told me he meant everything he said about children and a family.

This morning I sent my final message - apologizing for making this all about me, probably causing more stress that he doesn’t need during this time where he is struggling with his challenges, and that I’ll probably just do more damage at this point. I told him he should block me because I couldn’t, I wasn’t ready.

Then after sitting with my feelings for a bit, I took some screenshots of the most beautiful conversations we had together, deleted his number, and deleted the text thread.

I can’t contact him now. I know it’s for the best. But fuck does this hurt.

Does it take a while? If the person refuses to acknowledge, will that hurt their sobriety?

I decided finally that I couldn’t pretend anymore that I didn’t know about the drinking. Two falls in one day is enough for me. But someone hiding a drinking problem makes their behavior sneaky and hard to trust, so I had to look through his phone to make sure he wasn’t cheating, before deciding to put in the effort of talking to him about his drinking…

Long story short, anyone else have a Q that just pathetically gets drunk and messages insta/fitness models “hey” and “daddy” to only get a reply if they want his money?

Decided to talk to him, he says he is going to try AA and dedicate himself to fixing things, and he wants my support. I’m just happy I got to tell him it’s pathetic and embarrassing (to both of us) to act like a drunken gooner and he’s lucky that his attempts at cheating on me were with professionals who don’t give a fuck about him. I got to tell him that I was not ashamed of him for his drinking problem, but I AM ashamed to have a partner who behaves so embarrassingly and clearly spends a LOT of time looking at pics of other dudes (we’re gay). He’s gonna take me to dinner tonight if he remembers that talk, and we’ll see what happens.

I've only been to a few meetings. I bought the books but haven't read them yet. After seeing some post on here, I recognize my situation isn't nearly as bad as some. I've decided to stay married for various reasons, children being the main concern but it's difficult to navigate how to act. Which is why I wanted to post today. I'm afraid of what might happen to us financially and legally if Q continues to drink and drive. I had a long talk with him about it, and since then he has been calling me to pick him up. At first, I felt the need to encourage him to make the choice to not drive so I was picking him up. But now it's been a handful of times he's asked me to pick him up. I'm torn. Should I not answer or say no so that he is forced to find another ride, Uber, walk, etc? I fear that if I don't answer, he will drive. There is such a fine line between enabling and protecting our children/assets. The teenager who is about to start driving needs to see that you should not get behind the wheel of a car when you've been drinking. Its so hard to decide what is right and wrong. How have some of you handled this?

I’ve been married just over a year and togerh for 7 years. My wife has emotionally/sexually cheated twice — both times while drunk. The first time was about a year ago: flirty/sexual messages with someone else. She apologized, went to therapy, but didn’t stop drinking. I never fully got past it.

A few weeks ago, I found out she had been sexting and FaceTiming another guy again — this time, it went on until the early morning hours. When I confronted her, she broke down, said she had already woken up disgusted with herself before I even found out. She admitted to having a problem with alcohol and that every issue we’ve had in our relationship has happened while she was drinking. When she’s sober, things are good.

I told her I was done. She broke down crying, said she wants to be sober for good, begged me to take it day by day, and suggested couples therapy. I agreed — not because I feel confident — but because part of me doesn’t want to walk away without seeing who she is when she’s truly sober. I’ve always tried to live with no regrets, no stone unturned.

It’s been about a week. She’s trying: she deleted her social media, read two books on sobriety, shared her location with me, and has been affectionate, engaged, and emotionally open. I’m receptive to the effort, but I still feel reserved. I feel disconnected and numb at times. The resentment lingers.

Here’s what complicates it:
We actually have a great relationship otherwise. When we’re good, we’re really good. We laugh, connect, and have fun. That makes this even harder. I want this to work. It makes me sad because I do love her… but this just isn’t what I want in a relationship. I never pictured something like this as part of my marriage.

And honestly, if we weren’t married, I would’ve left already. But we are married. And that changes how I approach it — for better or worse.

TL;DR
Wife emotionally cheated twice, both times while drunk. Says she’s committing to sobriety, wants therapy, and is trying. I agreed to take it day by day, but I feel hesitant. I want this to work — I love her — but I also know this isn’t what I want in a relationship. If we weren’t married, I’d be gone. But now… I’m torn.

Am I doing the right thing by staying?

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Hello, I am writing for the first time about my partner who seems to be two different people and I thought you all might relate and have some encouragement 🙁

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. I knew it when we started dating, and I enjoyed drinking too, so I overlooked it. But after five years of near constant drunk explosive fights I decided to stop drinking. But the fights continue, and I realize it’s him.

When he’s sober, he’s lovely. He’s the man I fell in love with (we met at work and were friends for years before getting together). But lately I’ve caught him buying substances and lying, hiding alcohol, and now DMing other girls while drunk. And last night he got blackout drunk while I was gone for 1 hour and I had a hellish night trying to de-escalate as he insulted me, said racist stuff to me, and for physical.

He says he knows he needs to stop drinking completely. He’s been drinking actively for 12+ years. Should I just get away and let him figure it out on his own? We’re engaged and share a life together, i don’t want to give up on him but I can’t live like this anymore. My safety and physical health are at risk and im so emotionally exhausted I can barely do anything else but deal with him and sleep.

My spouse quit (again - “this time, I’m done…” … well, pardon me if I remain skeptical…anyhow) drinking about 4 months ago.
We have a college age child who was home for the weekend. We were at dinner, and our child was telling us how they realized that the anxiety they feel when people are drinking goes back to my spouse’s drinking, getting drunk and ruining vacations or special events, etc. My child associates drinking with things turning into a shit show, and doesn’t like to be around it.
My spouse says “that’s all your mother - she gave you the anxiety about it” - because I would change when he would crack that first beer. Get tense, shut down, want to just get away from him. Obviously I know blaming my child’s justifiable feelings about alcohol on me are complete and utter bullshit, but I need help expressing why.
My child is perceptive and didn’t buy that they acquired this anxiety from me, and I should be applauded for my restraint for not screaming “are you fucking kidding me??!” in the middle of a crowded restaurant. How can I revisit this when my child has gone back to school and put it in terms my spouse might understand? He is still in denial of HOW bad it was. He still claims I made it worse.

Read this in New York magazine last night. Such a beautiful story. It’ll rip your heart out, but she does some great justice to Alanon by not using the word Alanon. She also goes through the same feelings that I had when I came in— what a bunch of rubbish.

But soon, the gentle way of turning the focus back on ourselves is where the solution was hiding the entire time.

https://apple.news/A0_fKQlR2RlS8ng9Z-AVYjA

My father is my Q. He has been an alcoholic all my life, and I have known it all my life, even before I knew what an alcoholic was. I will never forget the fear, the confusion, the horror, the stress, the pain I was in from my earliest memories. I have gone through the standard range of emotions with him - rage, disappointment, desperation for him to get better, more anger, crippling sadness, fear of losing him at a young age, fear of him when he's drunk, 24/7 stress, everything we all experience. That is almost easier to deal with than my mom.

She could have spared me from this. She could have left him. She made sure that instead of having one parent, I had none. I find it so difficult to reconcile the fact that she stayed with him and didn't save me from it. He is the problem, but I didn't have to be near that problem - she was the one that made sure that I was. I would rather have been living on the streets than living with him.

I have never known my dad fully sober, and I don't think I ever will. At this point I don't really care to. He is the reason I have to go to therapy every week, the reason I have to take pills, the reason I have panic attacks and flashbacks and struggle to function in the world. There is no coming back from that.

But I am still so full of rage at my mom. Like I said I am in therapy and working on it, but nobody who hasn't gone through it can truly understand it. I hate her every day for what she made me go through, what I still have to go through, when I could have been spared. I was a child. I had no control. She had control. She chose for my life to be filled with pain and trauma. She did that to me as much as he did by staying.

Has anyone else gone through this with their non-alcoholic parent? How do you cope?

My Q and I have been together for 6 years. And now our marriage is on the line. Of course, we're both responsible for the problems caused within it. On my side, it's a lot of unhealthy behavioral traits that I have to fix, but for him, it was a lot of things he's done when drunk.

But the thing is, he doesn't want to be drunk and do those hurtful things (never violent or aggressive, just irresponsible and reckless). He wants to be sober and he always tries to get back up after every relapse. He's never the type to be okay with drinking. It's just that the impulse is stronger each time before the relapse. It's been like that for years now. He would be sober for a year, then relapse for a day or two, get back up and stay sober for 3 months/6 months/15 months and relapse again. He'd never really fallen into a bender until last month (which was 6 months after his last relapse). This time it was spiraling out of control. He couldn't taper it off. He couldn't quit cold turkey. He ended up begging to be checked into a rehab.

He's tried AA. He was active at some point, helping out people and having a sponsor. But life happened and he moved to a place without any local groups, so he ended up not being active anymore, just spent hours listening to online meetings.

It's so hard and frustrating to see him relapsing. It's not because of the emotional roller coaster it brings me, but also because I know he doesn't want to give up. But he keeps getting defeated. I don't want to think about leaving because I know he still has the fight in him, but I don't know how long I can stand living in such an anxious and hopeless state.

I guess I'm just curious about Qs who actually managed sobriety long-term, what helps? What works?

We're considering therapy and Naltrexone/Vivitrol next, so please share your experience with the med if you have any. Thank you.

Today I recognize how powerful my mind can be. I can’t always feel good, and I have no interest in whitewashing my difficulties by pasting a smile on my face. But I can recognize that I am constantly making choices about how I perceive my world. With the help of Al-Anon and my friends in the fellowship, I can make those choices more consciously and more actively than ever before. —Courage to Change p243 ©️Copyright 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

We need not be the best or worst of anything. When I keep myself balanced, I remember that I am equal to everyone else. —A Little Time for Myself p243 ©️Copyright 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

If I can remember to apply my slogans and use my program, I can stay out of hot water with the alcoholic and everybody else. —Living Today in Alateen p243 ©️Copyright 2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

If I have come to the end of my rope, I have lived in this turmoil for a long time. Let me be patient a little longer while I weigh the alternatives. Will a radical change really work out better for me, for my children, and yes, for my spouse? —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p243 ©️Copyright 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

In Al-Anon I’ve learned to savor the tiny, specific, beautiful moments of my life. —Hope for Today p243 ©️Copyright 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

How much effort was spent on minor things, to hide the bottles, to control his money, to avoid fighting! —Having Had a Spiritual Awakening… p34 ©️Copyright 1998 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Please tell me ways you have used Al-Anon program “tools” to deal with situations … or even your general approach to life so that other people’s …

My brother has been drinking most of his adult life. He’s been in rehab three times in the last year. But each time when his 30 days are up, he goes back to his house and continues the cycle over again. Despite the many tactics we’ve tried to continue to get him long term help. And each time it gets worse.

People keep saying to set boundaries and eventually he’ll hit rock bottom. I don’t think there is a bottom. He’s stopped eating—either because he can’t stomach food anymore or his neuropathy is so bad he can barely walk a block. He’s starving himself. And refuses to go the hospital. Refuses to answer the door for wellness visits. Has stopped taking calls. Let’s friends in sometimes, but rarely. What else is there to do?

Hey everyone,

First I want to say thank you for all the content everyone has placed in this reddit. So far I have not posted anything yet, but I have read a lot and it’s helped me a lot in taking care of myself and making healthier decisions.

For the past 5 years I’ve had a pretty close friendship with someone who has an extensive history with alcohol. When we met he was sober though, and for most of the time we were friends he was sober. It’s just the last year that he has relapsed multiple times. I was not intimately familiar with how bad alcohol addiction can get. My dad drinks too much and I have always thought he is probably an alcoholic, but this is a whole other level. Like losing all control, having to go to the hospital, the shakes, and starting again right after getting home. Really scary stuff. He’s been through a month rehab twice now, but keeps relapsing. I had already told him a couple of times I would take some distance because the chaos and worry was killing me, but it was hard to completely let go. 8 weeks ago I decided it was too much for me to handle after he told me he had been in a bar fight and I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and would break off all contact. I blocked him everywhere.

Yesterday I found out, by accident, that the emails he send me went into my spam folder, and I read them. There was nothing in there that makes me feel any different about my decision, but I still feel a pull towards answering (which I do not want to do, obviously!). My question is, what do you guys do when you feel that pull of engaging again? How do you distract yourself? Does it get easier? We might not have been married or in a relationship, but I’ve cared a lot for this man for many years. We’ve seen each other through some rough times. It’s very painful that it has to end like this..

My husband is a “functioning alcoholic”. I realize that term is debatable but it is the best way to describe the situation. He works, waits until 5 to drink, never passes out from drinking, makes the family dinner every night, and maintains friendships with his friends and family.

We’re on a roadtrip and I’m realizing how much his hands are shaking. It’s the first physical symptom I’ve noticed as a result of his drinking. He has 6-10 drinks/night (my best guess based on our grocery app). I’ve been frustrated for several years with his drinking. I hate that he is not himself at night. It’s like there is a stranger in our house. It’s obnoxious and not helpful as a parent. I’ve sat down with him and shared my concerns but of course he denies there is a problem.

Is anyone else in a similar situation with their loved ones drinking? Any advice on how to set boundaries? I need them in order to keep my sanity (thinking of telling him I can’t be around him when he’s drinking) but also I don’t want him doing things like driving when he’s having obvious withdrawal symptoms. Will take any advice. He’s 48 and I’m surprised it’s taken this long for symptoms to show. I know it will just keep getting worse from here.

So my Q and I have been separated for about 6 months. For a long time he would always insist I drink when he did. I assume to make himself feel less guilty. But if I did it made me less able to handle his abuse .. because I couldn’t leave as easy if it came to that. And many times ended very badly when I didn’t because I didn’t recognize the signs to leave.

If I didn’t it usually causes an argument which ended me in just leaving for the night.

Eventually I just said no more so he just knew I wouldn’t and was just always angry about it. and I just finally said enough of all of it.

It’s a few months out and friends want me start hanging out again. I’m tempted but they usually go out and have a few drinks. I can go out and not drink but I’m wondering if I should even have one

Not because I’m worried about what I will do .. I’ve always been very able to have 1 or 2 and call it quits.. when I don’t have someone calling me names if I don’t. .. but even then I still hit a limit pretty quick. But I’m just worried it will bring back too much mentally.

I’m wondering if alcohol is just off limits for me the rest of my life. I don’t feel it’s probably a positive in general but wondering what I should do with “hanging” out with friends who do.

Hi, I have a partner who's an alcoholic and drug addict (kratom). It's been four years. When we met, he in a vulnerable touching moment told me he was a recovering drug addict, and that was an empathy and admiration of his honesty that helped me through the following years. Year one he was acting distant, but I chalked it up to him working on his recovery and met it with compassion and trust. Year 2 he developed alcoholism and it waas rough, a lot of abuse. I'm someone who stayed firm, supportive, loving, eventually he broke me down. I started to reason and ask questions rather than to listen and forgive, but the screaming and insults continued and I started to internalize shame. Year three he finally said he was ready for rehab. He yelled at me from rehab and also in sobriety his anger issues became scary and worse. I left him, but finally came back this year because he told me he was sober. The first few months were so much more hopeful and positive, and I saw myself making promises to commit to this relationship for real, now that he was sober. I started blaming myself for the things he accused me of (abandoning him, being a whore for dating other men during our breaks, bullying my finances (which didn't make sense to me, because I'm not in debt and my savings are small but growing)). He also would open up to me about his alcohol cravings, and his new psychiatrist and support group, and I was always telling him how happy I was for him. And let myself believe a life together was finally possible.

Last month a few days before my birthday and weeks of his returned agitation, I found out he had been secretly using drugs (kratom) since we reunited. It was heart breaking and so disorienting. And he seems... embarrassed but I can't tell if remorseful. The first thing he said nonstop was how "relieved" he was. I love him and care for him deeply (don't we all?) but constantly hearing how relieved he was while blind to my pain was hard. So he was spending tons of money on drugs, having alcohol cravings while on drugs, lying to me, psychiatrist, support group, friends, etc. And still blaming me in a lot of his story, "at least it's not heroin." And I still feel sad for him, but am also really suffering on a new level.

A week later I found out he's been abusing kratom since we met. So the story of the "recovering addict" was that he was actually still actively using. During these years he gave me half lies of a day relapse or whatnot, but he was using the first year of our relationship. He then admitted he was using when I last left him and that explained his severe agitation and anger issues (he blamed it often on me, for asking questions). The money issues? He often put me in difficult and sad situations of cancelled holidays or me paying for them because he doesn't admit to having money (I don't make a lot of money either, this is hard for me, but I try to budget). One time he screamed at me when I was talking about how much my groceries were and I drove straight to his apartment and dropped off all my canned goods, he said nothing of it.

He's put himself and others in danger. When I was on holiday with friends (a trigger for him) he got so drunk he left his dog outside in the snow. He drank so much he went psychotic while calling me a whore and I rushed to find him and call his friends to stabilize him. He gets by. He has amazing friends, who I admire. His parents support him financially when he couldn't get by.

I'm in the middle of exams. I'm 34, now freezing my eggs with my limited savings. Trying to change my life and make it better. And asked him for some space but he is still giving me a roller coaster of emotions. He is three weeks sober, already enjoying life with his friends again. Acting "nice" but it doesn't sit well with me, I'm so uncomfortable, heartbroken, stressed, sad. I haven't had this in years but I had a trigger in a eating disorder last night (its weird how some of these behaviors just creep in). I'm someone who loves routine, exercise, friends family, connecting with the world and choosing to be better and work harder (and also rest and love myself). This is so hard. I'm trying to separate the man I love from who makes me feel so loved from the addict who screams, abuses, lies, broken promises, plays games. He's my best and most fun friend but also the most painful person I've encountered in my entire life. I wanted children he knew this. He's had affairs, was abandoned by his last partner of over a decade (from him it seems like the abuse was mutual), and he said he learned his lessons when we met. I thought he was wise and adult. Now I feel like he stole from me.

Not my proudest moment but I know his reddit account and I see him making posts in judgement of me, others, and bragging of his sexual history, his empathy, his recovery journey (a braggy condescending tone, but parenthesizing because maybe I'm biased).

I've been told to not make a decision at this time. I started my Al Anon meetings the day I found out. I know there will be a moment that will make it clear when to leave. I feel like I can't, won't. But what more do I need? Please help.

i'm sorry this is so long. maybe it's a vent, but i just cannot see clearly anymore.

My mom’s an alcoholic and will never get help. She’s been in a cycle of abuse for years and get irrationally upset consistently over nothing. It’s hard listening to her sometimes. But I love her and I want her to find happiness. I wish I could see her happy and free.

my partner (35m) and i (28f) have been together almost a year. he’s one of the kindest people i know, treats me really well, and i think he’s "my person" (and he feels the same).

a little context: my previous partner was a cocaine addict, cheater, and abusive. i’ve had a few abusive relationships and am starting therapy for my ptsd this week (which i’m proud of!) my current partner was married to an alcoholic, and his troubled upbringing (despite financial privilege) led him to years of therapy, as his father was a narcissist and abusive. because of this shared history, we’ve always treated each other with a lot of love and respect.

recently, things have changed and i need advice. we’d often drink together casually, with dinner, going to a show or out with friends, but this summer i noticed his relationship with alcohol was getting unhealthy. after conversations with him and his friends (who reached out to me), he acknowledged the problem and decided to stop drinking, except WE thought it would be ok for special occasions like a nice dinner on our vacation.

i was so proud of him, although there were times when i felt like something was off (arguments about nothing), but i chalked this up to his incredibly stressful work environment (works with abusive family members)

after about a month of sobriety, i found out he had been drinking secretly and lying to me. i was so hurt and angry. after finding out that news, the next day he was found passed out in his car at 2pm drunk, and had to go to the ER. it turned out this wasn’t the first time he’d been drinking at work. though i empathize with his situation, i feel betrayed. why would he make choices that could hurt our relationship when he says i mean everything to him? why risk losing me and others? he has so much to live for!

even though i’ve been very stern, prickly, upset, i’ve still supported him, and he’s starting outpatient treatment on monday. after this tough week, i finally started to regain some trust back, and we had a lovely evening together last night.

but today, i came home to find out he’d had four vodka shooters this afternoon. i knew something was off, he denied at first but quickly owned up to it. he feels terrible, and i believe he’s ashamed. i have faith he will take this seriously, he has always proven to be trustworthy. he’s starting his treatment, but i’m struggling with whether i’m being naive or enabling him by standing by him. i’m dealing with ptsd, which makes trust hard for me and causes hyper vigilance so, i need to know some gentle but real advice.

Research in psychology suggests that codependents are indeed more likely to end up in relationships with alcoholics or others struggling with addiction.

How do you feel about this?

Is anyone elses Q obsessed with music? Or any other obsession? Mine is getting more and more obsessed I feel like there's a connection there with the alcohol and music every day it's getting drunk and listening to music all night. Just curious if anyone else has this situation and what your thoughts might be

I’ve been with my fiancé for five years. Maybe he always was a functioning alcoholic, but I never noticed an issue until two years ago. The last six months have been really bad. I’m loosing hope that there is anything I can do for him. I love him, I want to be there for him like he’s always been there for me. He’s been depressed for a long time. I convinced him last year to see a therapist but he gave up after a couple months. He doesn’t even have health insurance right now. We can’t afford any rehab etc out of pocket. His family isn’t helpful either. He’s told me that if I let them in on how things really are he’d kill himself before their plane landed. He also thinks he’d probably die if I left him. I feel stuck. Unable to do anything to help him and unable to help myself. If he’s not willing to change; What is there left for me to do except leave? It would be hard enough accepting that I’m losing my best friend; but I can’t bring myself to leave him knowing I’m the only thing keeping him alive at this point.

My sister has been an alcoholic for a long time. She had no self confidence, and she drinks so that she doesn’t feel awkward. At least that is how it started. I would say most weeks she can go 3-4 days without drinking, and during those days she is healthy. But then every weekend she goes on a bender for 3 days at a time where she can’t stop drinking. For her, everything is an excuse to drink. If something good happens, if something bad happens. One time she worked a whole day (door dash) and then rewarded herself by getting so drunk she was too hungover for days and she couldn’t work. She has lost jobs, she has no money, she is in horrible debt. We think she will hit rock bottom but she doesn’t seem to have a rock bottom. Her boyfriend is also an alcoholic, and he wants to quit at times but she hates him and thinks he is boring when he tries to quit. He just found out he had cirrhosis of the liver (he is in his 30s), so he is working on being sober, but she has no intentions of quitting.

When she drinks, she gets really mean. She picks fights with our mom, and our mom has even called the cops on her several times. She gets blackout drunk at family events when literally no one else is drinking, and she ruins every holiday and birthday. Like the only thing my mom would ever want for her birthday is for my sister to be sober but she can never manage it and it has ruined all of her birthdays.

What I find interesting and why I am writing this group is that she has never once questioned if she has a problem. This has been going on probably 10 years. She has never wanted to change. Like not even the hangover regret most people get. She loves it and doesn’t think she has a problem at all. I know admitting a problem of the first step, but I don’t see her ever coming to that. I feel like a lot of people who drink like her recognize that they have a problem, but they just don’t know how to quit or don’t want to. She just has absolutely no awareness of having a problem. She honestly thinks it is normal behavior.

Has anyone encountered someone like that? We just have to deal with it until it kills her?

I also posted this in the alcoholic group, but someone recommended I go here.

So I have been friends with a guy long distance online for over 10 years. Honestly we are bestfriends. I know that sounds naive but because I never thought we'd actually meet he knows everything about me and he as opened up alot to me over the years. Well over the last year he has been opening up to me about his drug use. He was in recovery we started talking more recently. I went to visit him and he lost his housing for hanging out with me. I felt so guilty. He didn't blame me but found new housing but mentioned that it was a real downgrade. He also mentioned that an old friend was housed there. Well he started hanging out with this friend and relapsed. He told me about and was kinda depressed for a few days and distant but we were talking again and I thought he was better. We had a phone conversation and told me how rough the new place he was staying. Over the next few days he had been really wanting me to visit and I live across the country. We always want to see each other that was nothing new. We had been texting as usual and he just ghosted me. I was so worried because I know he had been depressed, I knew he had relapsed, and I felt bad that he really needed/wanted me around and I wasn't taking it as serious. I looked up the new place and found out it was an homeless shelter. I read the reviews and it made me really sad. Anyway I have been reaching out for almost 2 weeks but today I texted him that I won't keep reaching out. I feel really guilty about it. But he knows I worry. And it really has been taking a toll on me. I had already expressed how him dipping out makes me feel and I was told it wouldn't happen again but it has. Anyway I just feel bad that I told him I'm not gonna keep checking on him. Especially because he claims it means so much to him. And I know he has really messed things up with family. I really hope he is safe and it doesn't make things worse. And if u guys are wondering there is a romantic aspect to the relationship it kinda always has been but we had gotten closer recently. I know this is sometimes normal behavior and most likely I will hear from him in a few months but I feel bad that now that I know all of this about him. And I have to set the boundary for myself. I guess I feel like bad person. I really don't know if I'm venting or need support.

I broke up my my partner a few days ago and at the time of it happening I felt so much better and almost like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. No more broken promises or lies, no more drink driving, no more coming second to a drink, no more forgetting his family exists once the drinks are flowing...I felt at peace and ready for a fresh start.

This has been the thing that needed to happen for him to take it seriously and he is. He even expressed his new understanding of what I meant when things were quite bad and he wants to do better for himself, which I'm incredibly proud of. But the change has come because he's feeling it now and I can't help feeling really frustrated.

I know this wasn't about me and it was about the alcohol. But this man helped me take down all the walls I put around myself to protect myself, told me over and over again I could trust him when I had concerns and put my insecurity about his behaviour down to trust issues. Where do you start with unpacking that and feeling better about it all?