We’re just into emotional connection, yes

So lately I was talking to some people about my experiences and learned that my attraction is neither romantic nor sexual. This was confusing at first but it is kind of a relief. When I like someone, most commonly that is, I like how they look, the sound of their voice, and also their mannerisms - as in, the way they talk, and how they think. Does this mean that because I like more of their personality than just their looks, that it has to be platonic attraction? In general I just feel enchanted. I want to experience their aesthetic as a person... but when it comes to a desire to befriend people, I actually don't feel that very often. And while I do feel alterous attraction, it's a little different. Can I want to spend time with people because of aesthetic desires? and can I like a person's mannerisms as an aesthetic attraction?

I'm just trying to understand it better because while I "Like" a lot of people, I'm not motivated to befriend most of them. I would be happy to be their friend and talk to them - but there isn't any draw to get to know them. I enjoy having friends but I rarely find anyone to be someone I want to pursue befriending. And when I feel alterous attraction, I almost always need to know them more than just looks/voice/mannerisms.

Because I've isolated my self for years, I've mostly only been getting this a lot recently with VTubers because they move around on screen expressively, and have exaggerated, cool facial expressions, and have appealing voices, and they all have a different way of talking and acting. How much I like them is kind of varied in intensity. Only a few of them do I really feel it a lot, but I admire most of them. But when I think about befriending them - like if we were on equal terms, if they were just a person I met in the wild and we talked - the idea of befriending them seems kind of intimidating, I'm not really sure why.

I've gotten this with real life people in the past - and for some reason I didn't pursue befriending them. Some of them I even talked to or had friendships - but the feelings and desires was always the same - be around them, but befriending them is up to them. I don't know. It could be platonic, but I don't really understand attraction very well. Learning that my attraction was neither sexual nor romantic was surprising - and they said because I vouched to like their voice and looks it was aesthetic attraction, but I didn't really discuss liking their mannerisms, and I didn't talk about how I like being around them/interacting with them (when I was social in college.)

In the past, I would mostly encounter people I felt this way towards when talking to friends or more often friends of friends or peers, and I never really pursued a platonic relationship, I'd just encounter them when it would happen by chance and enjoy being near, perhaps just watching without directly addressing them, like, vibing as a group of people at dinnertime are chatting. Or admiring a peer from a distance. It could just be that I prefer friends who show signs of wanting to befriend me, and kind of wait for that, but I'm not really sure that's the way it is. 'cause it's just different when I feel a platonic desire for a friendship. I actually want to get to know them and call them a friend, rather than encounter them by chance and let them eventually no longer be my friend as our lives drifts apart.

Is it just that there's differently levels of platonic attraction for me - ones where I wait for chance, and ones where I want to pursue - or is it possible to like a person's personality as an aesthetic as a kind of aesthetic attraction? Or maybe there's another form of attraction I haven't heard about before?

Hey everyone, I'm not usually one to post something on a forum like this, but thought getting some insight from people who are ace might be helpful, so here I am reaching out to strangers on the internet.

I (19M) grew up relatively sheltered. The sex education I got was really basic like your body is changing, and my health classes were really just nutrition and how to stay healthy. The first time I had even heard the word sex was when I watched a show and a character mentioned wanting it. I immediately asked my parents, and they just said it could be a good thing if done correctly, very vague. They just didn't talk about that stuff, and weren't open to have some of those more difficult conversations with me. During my sophomore year, one of my friends came out as LGBT, so I decided to do my own research. This is where I found out what sex was, as a sophomore in high school.

Originally, I loved the idea of bisexual and thought that was where I was. I spent the summer before my junior year trying out different sexuality labels and gender labels with my friends, and found out that I liked myself just the way I was. I dropped the bisexual label after a year, I think I thought I was bi because I had aesthetic attraction to both genders, or could see myself being close with both.

Recently, I've noticed a huge difference with the way I view relationships. Honestly I should've realized this before. Now that I'm an adult, friends have been telling me about their sex lives and what they find attractive. It just sounded absolutely disgusting, like why would you do that for pleasure?! I've always thought dating was about finding the perfect partner and then raising a family together, at least that's what I've always wanted since I was little.

I remember back in my senior year, when I finally got the courage to ask out the girl I thought would be the perfect partner. She said yes, and then after our first date I realized she wasn't the one I could be with. We did reconnect last year and tried again, but it was clear that it wouldn't work out. I also met an amazing girl this summer, but I don't know if I should pursue an actual relationship despite mutual attraction because of how the last one went (plus she's going to college in a different state).

My biggest desire in life is to find the girl of my dreams and then raise a family. I'm going to school to become a teacher, I love helping kids and want to have some of my own one day. I just don't want to have to go through the whole dating/sex process to get there. It's just that sex piece, like I love hugs and sitting close with people. I had a conversion with my parents on this, and they thought I was crazy. I don't know, do you think there's a chance I could be ace or am I just overcomplicating this?

Been feeling confused for a long while and am hoping that even if the answer is no y'all's insights might point me in the right direction. 26M.

To preface- I feel sexual attraction quite frequently. I masturbate relatively regularly. I fantasize about people I know/ significant others. I watch porn and read erotica.

But the thing is... sex itself REALLY doesn't do it for me. Ever since my first time it's repeatedly been a huge let down, and I've tried with enough women that at this point I'm pretty confident sex just isn't for me. It's been enough of a letdown that I've never achieved climax during sex, which has, without fail, inflicted psychic damage on the women I've been with. It just leaves me and them feeling awful, and means I tend to get a lot of breakup texts after one attempt.

I've even been to a urologist about it, who tested my testosterone levels and then just kinda shrugged when it came back above normal. I've even tried to find a therapist who specializes in sex but none have ever returned my calls/emails.

Anyway, I know this doesn't align with most (if not all) asexuals. But if anyone has had a similar experience, or has heard of something that sounds like it fits, I'm all ears. I'm just tired of feeling confused.

As an ace person, I’m really curious to hear people’s thoughts about the aro/ace representation in Heartstopper.

For me one of my favourite ‘representation’ moments in the show wasn’t actually a scene with Isaac (the openly ace character) but the scene where Nick and Charlie (both allosexual) first discuss sex and Charlie is like, “I’d only want to do it if you did, and if you didn’t ever want to do it, then I wouldn’t either”. I saw people on Twitter saying that dialogue/scene was 'cheesy', 'the bare minimum', 'unrealistic' etc, but for me that line represents the exact kind of healthy communication and affirmation of identity I want to have in my future relationship as an ace person :)

I’m appreciative to see aspec rep in mainstream media, but to be completely honest, I find the rest of the asexual ‘moments’ in Heartstopper a little lacking and overly simple. I was disappointed that much of the aroace discussions in Season 3 felt shoehorned in and as if they didn’t get the same care, time and exploration as all of the other identities represented on the show. Especially when Alice Oseman said she had ‘big ace plans’ for Isaac and because I loved her novel ‘Loveless’…I suppose I was expecting a little more from the show. I also hate that we know very little about Isaac's personality, life, and back story. Kind of feeds into the stereotype of asexual people being ‘innocent’, ‘childish’, ‘boring in the bedroom = boring in life’ caricature.

When I discussed my criticism of the show in the main Heartstopper sub, I got a lot of downvotes because, according to them; ‘Isaac is the only aroace character in a romance show’ so ‘of course he wouldn’t have much screentime’. But for me Heartstopper isn’t just a romance show. It explores queerness, friendship, bullying, conformity, (platonic) love, and identity; all themes that are extremely relatable and relevant to aro/ace people. I love the show (have watched it countless times lol) but honestly feel that asexuality could have been explored in a slightly more in-depth and nuanced way.

Anyways, sorry for the long post and I’m curious to hear what others think!

Edit: I also want to add that I'm not judging anyone who likes or enjoys the asexual representation on the show! I actually thought the scene where Isaac hugged the Ace book in the library was really, really beautiful, among many other moments :)

¡Hola! vengo aquí con una inquietud bastante compleja de responder y que considero compleja de responder, les pongo en contexto:

desde que tengo 15 años me he identificado de manera clara como asexual, esto debido a que nunca tuve la intención de ver a los demás de manera sexual ni sentir este tipo de atracción por ellos (entendiendo que me atraen todo tipo de personas románticamente) y desde ese momento hasta ahora que estoy en mis 20 y tantos se ha mantenido así.

el tema es que hace poco conocí a una chica que me atrae bastante de manera romántica, y de la nada comencé a desarrollar otro tipo de sentimientos por ella asociado principalmente a que si me imagino manteniendo un vínculo sexual con ella, esto jamás me había pasado con otra persona. Estuve investigando por mi cuenta y resulta que hay personas asexuales que tienen sexo regularmente con propósitos de no atracción (principalmente para satisfacer a sus parejas y demás) pero no creo que esa vision encaje conmigo.

por otro lado, he descubierto la etiqueta de la demisexualidad como una manera de identificarme, sin embargo, me he identificado como asexual tanto tiempo que ya todo mi círculo cercano me ve de esa forma y tengo miedo de que esta chica me juzgue por mi manera de expresar mi sexualidad ¿qué debería hacer en este sentido? ¿elegir una nueva etiqueta o mantenerme con la que ya tengo?

pd: publico esto aquí ya que me interesa conocer otras perspectivas de vida y sobre todo del espectro de la asexualidad.

I’m 21 and men obviously don’t really value romantic connection that much at this time it’s more about physical stuff. I’m not sure if I’m asexual or just Demi. I just know I’m not interested in that really and when I think about it it’s more like I’m doing it for them.

Never actually done it but, I fear because I can’t do it I’ll never be loved by someone. Because that’s what love is to men - sex. It makes me so upset that I’ll never be anything worth looking at or spending time with, without giving that.

At times I feel like nothing, broken and missing an important piece.

I’m too embarrassed to date or even go on dates because why would I waste someone’s time like that? I know what they want and talking and hanging out is just a means for most guys to get there.

I know this seems like a generalisation and I obviously haven’t met every guy in the world but I’ve seen enough both in real life and online to be scared of wasting my time and hurting myself - because I’ll never be what they want me to be. I’ll never be something one can love.

Now that I’ve typed this out I don’t know why I’m here or what answers I hoped to even get. It’s just hard feeling broken. All my friends know too - they all wonder who I’d be with or can’t imagine me with someone.

Like. Finding a body form or shape attractive or nice but you don’t find it sexually attractive.

Or see it like a renaissance statues or something like that.

Bc i do. I can find a body nice. I have Heard ppl saying nice body to others when they like someone. I always thought they meant the aesthetic appeal until they would tell me what they want to do with their body….

I never thought of doing something sexual with a body and i still dont. But i do find them huggable ( all bodies. I mean it as a compliment. I love hugs )

I would want to hug them but never go far from doing anything sexual.

Or maybe paint one like a renaissance painting.

I appreciate the aesthetic appeal but never gotten what was so appealing to do something sexual with someones body when you love them.

I dont think i feel this way. Idk how it feels.

So yeah, like the title says, can an asexual find a body nice as an aesthetic appeal instead of sexual? I would like to know

Hi! I’d like to clarify that I’m a afab and identity as she/her. I have found myself through my teens wondering if I am a lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, or pansexual. I have found recently asexual which I wasn’t aware of and feel I identify with it most. I’m not particularly, sexually attracted to anyone. If I build a strong relationship with somebody, I then later down the line, feel i am sexually attracted to them. And I understand that this is generally demisexual. But I don’t feel aligned with that, and I suppose I was looking for clarification. Am I asexual, if I dislike intimacy with anyone, unless I have a strong emotional connection with them.

when i was around 6-ish, i had a fear of randomly becoming pregnant when you reached adulthood (as in becoming pregnant without sexual contact). i would literally go to bed SHAKING because i knew i would become an adult someday, and that meant surprise baby in my uneducated mind.

at 14, i had heard about asexuality, and the term clicked with me. at that point, i was never sexually attracted to anyone, even while going through puberty.

now, at 17, i feel like my childhood fear of pregnancy had a part in me discovering i was ace. the idea of becoming pregnant still makes me queasy, but i know now that it'll most likely never happen to me.

just a funny story i wanted to share since i was a dumb kid, but i guess it helped in the long run 😅

Currently identify as being in the asexual spectrum (graysexual). Just wanted to rant and see if anybody has any advice. In a relationship or fling, I want to be physically attracted to the person. But the pool of people I’m attracted to is so small, even just “handsome” or “pretty” doesn’t cut it for me. It’s not enough for me to just like the person’s face. Sometimes, I’ll waste time with the person hoping their personality would make me attracted, but it doesn’t. But I know that’s wrong. Hoping to hear of similar experiences and to see if anyone has any advice or encouragement. I’d love to hear how you’ve coped or found relationships. I feel so alone and “broken”, even if I know that’s not true 😔. Thank you!

I really don’t. I’m asexual because I just don’t care.

Sex sounds so boring. I never understood why people liked it.

I'm ace F19 and I finally found a guy that I like and he actually likes me back, he's M21. we haven't talked about it yet, but I'm assuming he's allo. I'm just concerned that this relationship isn't gonna go anywhere because of our sexuality difference. does anyone have any advice on how early into this I should tell him I'm ace? or advice on how to make it work between us if he is allo? thanks guys<3

Hiii!

Im Raven. 27F, And looking to make some more friends in the ace community after what my ex had pulled on me last month finding out I was the side piece 🙃.

If theres any fellow ace homies who are into art, gaming and cosplay and wanna hang id love to meet up and hang out having all kinds of fun! Im trying to not let it be too discouraging in the dating pool after my ex had blocked me without a word and i discovered from thier sibling that i was just someone they messed with.

Wasn't sure what to tag this.

Ever since my bf of a year broke up with me, I haven’t felt sexual attraction to anyone. Could I just be missing the sexual connection I had with him or could I be asexual?

I feel so out of place.

Lets just say, im in highschool and.. you probably know how this goes.

I just want a genuine conversation and friend where we can hangout, talk, bond, dance, goof off, etc, without everything turned sexual.

So far, i am unsuccessful with this matter. People here are either crazy horny, rude, talk crap behind peoples backs, etc.

Like, at this point, im just trying to find someone who sex isn’t everything to them and are at the very least, respectful.

People here will look at you and be like, “thats the one” without even talking to you. Then ask you out, or only talk to you because they had that physical interest and would like to get to know you more because they like how you look.

People checking people out, like crazy, chatting with their friends about someone as they walk by. Dude, im talking about these people are the type of people on why we have a dress code. Cuz i’ve met people, if you could see an outline of someones bra through their shirt, someone is wearing leggings, etc, and they go feral and its insane. “Dang.. that girl needs to cover up…” thirsty type of people. Most people here just wants to bang!! Its nasty and just straight up rude and disrespectful at this point.

Im just looking for just one respectful person and partner to be by my side. Someone who understand me, and i, them. Someone who we can match eachothers energy. Someone who is respectful enough to not check people out, and just NOT BE A FREAKING PERVERT. WHERE IS THE RESPECT IN THIS WORLD- WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND-

I have multiple friend groups here, but why does none of them feel like home? if that even makes sense. I just wish i had one person, one person.

Unless i just need to accept this alone factor, i got my dog, my hobbies, my music, etc haha.

Thanks for listening lol! Havea great day! ✨✨✨ take some garlic bread lol spawns garlic bread