r/askfuneraldirectors • u/laromo • 2d ago

Advice Needed Hospice Care for Mom

Hi everyone.

I am about to make some decisions for my mom along with my sister.

Mom is on hospice care currently. We have a funeral home in mind.

In the past few situations where we dealt with death, we had my mom helping us so this is hard. When my husband died at 22 in the Army, I literally had someone holding my hand for everything, so this is harder.

What questions should we be asking the funeral home directors besides the obvious like costs?

Thank you so much in advance.

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8

u/ICanSpotAGrifter 2d ago

I can relate to your current situation, and I know just how hard this is.

Are you planning on a viewing, or no service? If a viewing, an open or closed casket ~ Your FD can help you decide.

My mother passed from pancreatic cancer, and it severely diminished her appearance. She told us, don't waste money on the whole casket thing ~ so before her service, she was cremated, and an empty, cardboard (yet stylish) closed casket with a spray of flowers was presented, along with flowers from well-wishers.

It saved us a ton of money, incorporating her cremation wishes & holding a service.

We made it clear in her obituary and at the service, it would be held at a later date, and privately.

Are you planning a burial? If so, find out the cemetery costs, headstone costs, and if there is already a family plot that has grave plots still available.

Our cemetery allowed Mom's cremains to be buried in her Mother's grave. She was divorced, so no spouse. Many cemeteries allow this, which is also an option.

In certain circles, a luncheon happens immediately after the service viewing. Something to consider. Some funeral homes have availability on site, otherwise, if you choose to do this, you will need to find a place & arrange for the food, etc. The FD can certainly give you some suggestions for this.

Sending you virtual, heartfelt peace, hugs, and love. ❤️

5

u/laromo 2d ago

She doesn't want cremation - catholic religion, although we (sister and I are not practicing).

She has a plot already, we have not thought of headstone yet, but that wasn't even on our radar yet so thank you for that input. She was joking with us earlier, which made us laugh because why not, but to buy her coffin on Amazon, I said I would Temu it instead.

Sadly, it's also a cancer related death, and this is just a struggle to watch the decline for sure. Sending you that love back.

3

u/Some_Papaya_8520 2d ago

We actually can be cremated, although burial is preferred. But the cremains must be buried or put in a niche. The way it's done is to have the body present at the rosary and Mass, in a "rental" casket, and then the body is cremated.

But if your mother has already arranged these things, then you don't need to worry about it. Sorry for your upcoming loss.

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u/PennieTheFold 13h ago

This is not entirely accurate, though I guess it may depend on the church. I've been to three Catholic funeral masses recently where the deceased had been cremated prior to the mass, with the last just two weeks ago for my FIL. In all three instances, the ashes were on a pedestal at the altar for the service.

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u/Some_Papaya_8520 3h ago

Oh yes, I was just saying that this is how the Church "prefers* that it be done. Not that an urn can't be present. In fact that is how it was done for my sister.

Cremation is gaining popularity so we'll probably see more of this, especially since cemetery plots are so expensive. At least where I am, even an urn plot can run $20K!! Who has that kind of money laying around??

Edited to re emphasize that the cremains must still end up in a sacred place like a columbarium or in ground, never scattered or used to make keepsakes.

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u/111ArcherAve 1d ago

Not a funeral director, but I just want to add...the restaurant we chose to have a luncheon at for my dad had a bereavement menu. I was unaware of this until I mentioned the reason for the gathering and the manager brought it up. It had options and I just picked some, which made things so much easier for me.

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u/A_Beautiful_Impact Funeral Director/Embalmer 2d ago

Please accept my sympathies. Is mom a veteran? Was she married to a veteran?

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u/laromo 2d ago

Mom isn't, Dad is. He's a retired CPO.

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u/A_Beautiful_Impact Funeral Director/Embalmer 2d ago

Do they wish to be buried together? In a National Cemetery?

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u/laromo 2d ago

She has a plot already and wishes to be buried there.

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u/laromo 2d ago

Thank you so much.

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u/topsul 2d ago

R/hospice is a great resource if you haven’t visited. From someone that recently dealt with hospice, ask about her transport from your home/her home/her facility. Sometimes funeral homes charge more based on the county. Hospice social worker is also great for this part. Best wishes.

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u/laromo 2d ago

Thank you. I just found that too. I didn't think of transport either.