Cousin didn't look right

[u/ElleDriver000]

Hello everyone

My 39 year old relative died from a very aggressive cancer. At the end of her life she was very thin and frail and had lost a lot of weight before dying.

At her viewing, mind you its been a week since her death, I really felt uncomfortable with how they prepared her. She had ivory type skin, and at the viewing it was a tanned sort color. She also always had a narrow face and chin, and somehow her chin was very squared shaped and really didn't look like her at all.

I do understand that maybe it was difficult given she was very thin at death, but why did they square off her chin so strongly? why did they not paint her face more her true skin tone..given theres so many makeup options these days? And they had a lot of photos to go off of for reference.. just feel very disturbed seeing her that way

Thank you in advance

[u/CraftyCat65]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's always hard to lose a loved one, but when they are so young and the final illness is so rapid and cruel it hits hard.

To address your questions: The funeral director/ embalmer will not have done anything to change the natural shape of her jaw. That's just not possible.

What you were seeing was the natural consequence of her rapid weight loss, coupled with the loss of muscle tone and her laying on her back (which naturally outlines the facial bone structure, but is an angle that we aren't used to seeing).

You don't specify what type of cancer she died from, but it's entirely possible that her skin tone was a result of her illness. Any kind of liver, kidney or pancreatic failure can cause rapid and very deep darkening of the skin, that can look like tanning.

Whilst it is possible to apply makeup to tone that down, the success of that depends on how severe the jaundice is.

[u/Golbez89 → u/CraftyCat65]

They do make dyed fluid for jaundice, but it can only do so much I'm afraid.

[u/CraftyCat65 → u/Golbez89]

I know. Unfortunately if it's severe it's almost impossible to shift.

It's the same with makeup. I have some incredible colour correction creams and potions, but it's a fine line between restoration and caricature and sometimes you have to accept that removing the ravages of illness entirely is just not possible.

I had a client once who was desperately upset that I was unable to make his loved one plump again. I was incredibly sad for him but entirely helpless to fulfil his wishes to see her as she was one last time.

[u/ElleDriver000 → u/CraftyCat65]

Thank you

[u/Wonderful_Hyena1241]

We never change the shape of the jaw, it was likely due to the rapid weight loss and see her laying down. Positioning of their head on a pillow requires some finesse and when done poorly can give off an odd look. As for her skin tone, like others have mentioned it could be due to the cancer but also the embalming fluid may have tinted her a bit darker, it happens. If the skin was a bit darker than normal it’s quite difficult to make the skin look more fair without it looking ghostly. They probably tried to match the makeup to the current colour of her skin tone to give off a more “natural“ appearance OR they are really bad at their job. Sometimes is that simple, that they did a bad job. I’m sorry to hear that your experience was not positive. That is not the experience us embalmers want to provide.

[u/ElleDriver000 → u/Wonderful_Hyena1241]

Thank you for explaining

[u/Loisgrand6]

Sorry for your loss

[u/ElleDriver000 → u/Loisgrand6]

Thank you so much

[u/Nebulandiandoodles]

People look different in death than they do in life, but I understand that it must have been a shock to see when you weren’t expecting it.

[u/soren_somnifer]

If she died of an aggressive form of cancer she probably experienced a cancer cachexia which is an extreme form of a body wasting away. It can make a person unrecognizable. I was once at a viewing where the family brought in the photo and I'd never guess it was the same person in the coffin and it's not even about the skin tone. Like most of the facial features were distorted.

[u/lilspaghettigal]

Sorry for your loss. A lot of funeral directors treat embalmings as one size fits all - regardless of how the person died, they think tan makeup looks best along with filling in their features to make them appear “as they once were” (even if they didn’t look that way). The idea is returning the person’s image to a more pleasant one before death, even if it’s not accurate. They probably also didn’t ask for a photo to work off which doesn’t help. Hope this clears things up.

[u/ElleDriver000 → u/lilspaghettigal]

Yes I understand. Thank you

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[u/Lucky-Pianist-2554 → u/[deleted]]

What an odd response.

[u/Scary-Alternative-11 → u/[deleted]]

Wow. Rude much?

[u/ElleDriver000 → u/[deleted]]

I saw her on her day of death..so I saw her in her worse state possible. It was pretty brutal.

I wasn't expecting something amazing.. but just didn't quite get the squared off chin look. Because she always was very narrow there... and her skin tone..I just assumed with makeup these days and airbrushing that they could get a similar tone to her real skin color.. her hands were still her original color..so seeing that compared to the face was just shocking.

Thank you for your rude response. I am asking morticians and embalmers here for a reason to see if they had any educational reason/response to it all.. that's all I was looking for..I wasn't trying to create a gossip column about how my dear relative looked. Just shocked overall...

Would have been nice if you had something educational and beneficial to say instead

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