I was told by a psychiatrist a year ago that my bipolar disorder is severe and there's basically not too much medication can do. My previous psychiatrist said my only hope was an antipsychotic injection and that one didn't work. As of right now, I'm on the highest dose of all five of my medications. I do also have BPD, DID and the full name for this is mixed schizoaffective bipolar type 1. So I also experience psychosis and paranoia. My therapist said I've been through severe trauma and I have mental illness on both sides. It's hell living in my mind daily but I do what I can. I live on disability with my mom. No kids, no relationship. I am up late because I can't sleep, I need to go with my mom to her doctor appointment early this morning. The meds make me so tired. I am sedated just to live. I would greatly appreciate encouragement if you read this. I am so scared of talking about it with others because I've had many people manipulate, abuse and gaslighting me once they find out about my mental illness. I have trauma from that.

I was a semi-professional writer 20 years ago but I hadn’t written anything of note since then. Then for some reason I got absolutely obsessed with this one particular idea and just vomited out dozens and dozens of pages. I barely remember doing it, to be honest, that’s how disordered my brain was right then. I just kept writing and writing and was not able to stop. I eventually crashed, of course, and have not even thought about writing since then. I remember casually mentioning it to a couple people who were all kinds of impressed.

“That’s so cool! Wow!”

Yea. It really wasn’t, honestly, and I can’t elaborate on why, but thanks anyhow.

“Why don’t you finish it?!?”

Because I am absolutely terrified that if I open the Word document again then that will trigger another manic episode, the end of which might be way more dangerous than I’m willing to deal with. Or trigger a depressive episode because I’ve wanted to write a book my whole life and I know that it probably won’t happen now. So no thanks.

Either way, I have not recounted this little story to anyone except myself but I have a feeling you all just might get it.

I had major depressive episodes in the past where I had SIs and I was able to shake them off thinking, “this isn’t real”.

BUT when I had a severe manic episode which turned into a mixed episode on the way out (dysphoric mania + depression), I had constant invasive SI thoughts. I had 0 intention, 0 desire, but constant SI thoughts. I knew they weren’t real but it would NOT stop.

“Drive in front of that semi” “Drive off that bridge” “Jump off that building” “Use that knife”

I think of all the horrific things I experienced, shadow people, voices, etc., this freaked me the fuck out the most. Is this how it is for everyone?

TW: grief

My dad died about 5 years ago. I grew up with him, we were quite close. And I barely remember him. I remember things about him, I remember him as a kind of caricature. I don’t remember his voice, the way he moved, his expressions, the things he said, what hugs felt like.

Everyone who leaves my life, I forget.

When my mum dies, I’ll forget her too. If my husband dies before me, I’ll forget him. What if my child dies?

I’m hoarding photos, videos, voice notes. Printing photos, everything backed up on hard drive.

But I can’t trust my brain. Too many manic episodes.

Has anyone else had this? How do you deal with it?

I feel empty or sad I actually don't know which. I've lost my friends and relationships for one reason or another and due to this illness.

I have no one to call for support without judgement.

I have a lot going for me and yet can't get over the fact I don't have people besides me.

I finished uni with top marks, I got my dream job, I do things by myself, I have hobbies. I even love being alone and yet can't escape the fact that being alone is something I had to get used to, not because it was my choice.

I go for men who don't care about me, I'm trying to stop smoking and drinking, doing all the right things and yet the universe cursed me to be alone with a chronic health and mental health condition.

I'm just ranting here because I texted yet another guy who couldn't care if I live or die.

I hit the gym, I take my pills religiously, I take myself on cinema dates, take walks, all that's expected of me, I do all these things but nothing works. I feel empty, like something's missing. I can't bring myself enough joy to sustain me and I can't be bothered living if living is having to bury your pain to succeed.

I'm tapering off one med before starting a new one and I'm going through it. I'm in the fowlest mood, I hate myself, and I resent the hell out of my brain for being a busted piece of shit.

Hi all! I’ve been on the antipsychotic for 5 months now and I’ve noticed that I have been so snackish. It’s like a type of hunger, like I am compelled to eat.

I eat regular meals but my appetite is small. However, I CRAVE sweet or salty snacks. I’ve tried fruits but I really feel insatiable. I have gained weight but my psychiatrist doesn’t want to sacrifice my mental health over the weight gain.

Aside from antipsychotic, I’m on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizater too. I take my meds regularly.

Any tips or insights? :(

heys guys

Just a genuine question..Do you have like compulsion or tiques? like one of mines is i have to imagine a scenario in the exact way i want to occur because otherwise it will happen in a terrible way. Or i have to think on a past experience that i didnt liked and "correct" it . Otherwise , my head dont stop . I'm getting mentally exausted honestly. I cant sleep , i'm getting distracted from work...even when im driving...

I’m chronically lonely. I am currently stabilizing from a mixed episode. I was previously in a prolonged depressive episode and I’m keeping an eye on whether or not the cycle will restart with a hypomanic episode. I have rapid cycling bipolar I with mixed features typically in the form of paranoia. When I’m paranoid, I convince myself everyone hates, thinks I’m stupid, they’re talking about me and plotting against me. I might even convince myself that I hear their voices plotting against me.

Needless to say, I’ve got a lot going on when I’m having an episode and I’m lonely because I feel like a burden if I try to talk to anyone other than my therapist or psych NP. It’s not their responsibility to deal with me or talk to me.

The loneliness is becoming so heavy. I can’t find any virtual support groups that fit in my schedule and time zone.

How do any of you deal with the loneliness?

I have bipolar 2, and for the past couple of months i cannot seemed to get out of the depression phase. Sleeping a lot, always feeling tired and have no energy to do basic things. At times i didnt shower for days. Getting out of bed seems like an accomplishment. I still take my meds but i feel like they’re not helping me anymore.

What do i do?

A quick intro and a few questions. I don't date and haven't primarily because of my religious upbringing (not religious anymore) and my bipolar disorder. I am sick of being alone but do not want a long term relationship bc I worry about becoming an abusive partner. Also I am lonely but have a hard time finding myself being a flirt when I have bpd looming in the background.

• how did you meet your partner? Post or prior diagnosis?

• how long did you wait after being hospitalized or hypomania before putting yourself out there

• is it worth dating with this diagnosis or you prefer to be alone?

It’s just not possible to convey the terrifying helplessness to people. The paranoia, the fear, the gnawing feeling that your own brain wants to eat you alive. There aren’t words for it for anyone who hasn’t lived through it and it only leads to obsessive thoughts about how to genuinely convince them. Which I know the folks here can actually relate to. The existence of this subreddit is somewhat comforting though so I thank others who are willing to share their experiences. Carry on.

I started meds about 6 months ago for adhd, depression and anxiety (strattera 80mg and zoloft 50mg). About 2 months later I was diagnosed with bipolar cyclothemia. I then started 2mg of abilify to prevent hypomania (which I did have a pretty strong episode of shortly before starting the abilify). I proceeded to have more anxiety after that and went up to 5mg of abilify. I recently got freaked out about sexual dysfunction, stopped taking the zoloft (about a week ago now) and am just on strattera and abilify now. Things seem to be going ok but I am worried that the depression will return without any SSRIs. It hasn’t yet. But I’m equally concerned about the sexual dysfunction the zoloft seems to cause. Are there any meds for depression that don’t cause an inability to get aroused or orgasm?? Thanks

(28M) Hey everyone I've been apart of the this sub for a while and I've seen a lot of people's experiences on here about the health care system in the US. i know over there you have to pay and we get it free. It seems for some that you can get access to you're psychiatrist quickly like calling them. Where I live in the East Midlands, I do go to a NHS mental health team but I have appointments with my psychiatrist every 2-3 months, I feel they just want me in and out as quick as possible and all they do is sort my medication. All other support like therapy comes from 3rd party services and from my experience they don't have a understanding of bipolar. I just want to hear people's experiences with the NHS and other services in the UK that you use/used. Ps doing this gives me massive anxiety so I'm not being rude if I don't reply thank you

I just recently discovered Persecutory Delusions. I have always suffered SEVERELY with this and didn't know there was a name for it and didn't know it can be a symptom of Bipolar. This symptom has hindered me so extensively and I always chalked it up to intuition. I always truly believe people are against me and conspiring against me. Even my husband and daughter, but especially at work.

Does anyone else suffer from this? How do you deal with it? I did bring it up in therapy once but I must not have articulated the level at which this hinders me.

I'm at the point of going into care for a week or two.

I'm fucking tired, I'm tired of this disorder and I'm tired of having to live every day

Hello, I’m not sure if what I recently experienced was medication induced hypomania from an SSRI? I’m undiagnosed, but my therapist recently told me she has possibly been suspecting a bipolar disorder diagnosis with me in recent weeks.

I am officially diagnosed with OCD, Depression & Anxiety. Functional Neurological Disorder also pending from neurologist.

I had saw my psychiatrist last Wednesday to discuss changing up my meds. I currently take an SNRI, but find that the withdrawal symptoms are too intense for me whenever I miss a dose so I was gonna try and taper off that and onto another SSRI. The plan was to take a low dose of the SSRI in the morning, and my normal 50mg of the SNRI at bedtime. After 2 weeks of this, I will be fully onto the SSRI.

I started the new SSRI 20mg on Sunday in the morning, which is when the “mania” phase started. I was up till 4 AM cleaning, bouncing around nonstop. Doing the most random tasks. Cleaning the walls. Dusting magnets. Rearranging furniture and decor. Etc. I kept repeating to myself “Can’t Stop Can’t Stop Can’t Stop”. I had this wired energy rushing through my body. I felt productive, yet high. I had to force myself to go to bed even though I wasn’t tired.

The next morning comes and as soon as I wake up, I am still filled with that wirey energy. I forgot to take the 20mg SSRI that day. I felt energetic, but mostly normal.

The next day, I wake up and take the 20mg SSRI. I go back to having that same manic energy. I feel like I could run a million laps in a circle. I feel high. It feels great almost. It doesn’t feel like anxiety. I kinda like it. I go to my normal therapy session and my therapist immediately notices something is off with my normal self. I’m talking a million miles a minute. My brain is moving so fast. I’m acting different. She urges me to reach out to my psychiatrist because she believes I’m experiencing medication induced mania- so I do. I email him. He gets back to me quickly. Tells me to stop taking the SSRI and we set up an appointment for next week. Says that taking both the SSRI and SNRI can give me that wired feeling. But we can discuss alternatives next week. Even my coworkers that day were commenting on me, saying woah, what’s up with your mood today? You’re acting different than usual?

Idk fam. In the past when I’ve taken an SSRI, it also gave me that hyper crazy feeling but it wore off after a while. It was never as intense as this though.

I am SO stressed lately. I have a close family member with cancer who isn’t doing very well, another with a baby in the NICU, a partner who works full time and is a grad student full time, lots of changes in my job, lots of violent incidents in my community this week, and on top of all this my kitchen sink disposal thing stopped working and the drain is clogged. My neighborhood is also a construction zone right now so all the noise is really getting to me (I have sensory issues).

I’m really worried about my bipolar symptoms getting worse. They usually do when I’m going thru something stressful. I can feel it coming on now. I’ve been more irritable like I get with dysphoric mania. I don’t want this to turn into a full blown episode.

If anyone has any tips for managing stress I’d really appreciate it.

do yall just get bogged down by the horrible choices you've made, the people you've hurt and the social blunders you've made in plenty?

how do we STOP?

i look back on patterns i haven't broken since high school. then, i said "never again." and years later, through therapy and on and off medication, i have still been selfish and damaging.

i want to believe in permanent growth and healing, but this past decade has been a struggle.

💓

So I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 for four years now. I haven’t had a full blown manic or depressive episode for over a year. I’ve been able to work, be in a stable marriage and I’m finishing my teaching degree. I realized just recently that i have been going through a mixed episode the past couple months without even knowing it. I’m generally so self aware I don’t know how I missed the signs. I have been so agitated. It’s finally getting better with a change in my antipsychotic. But I kept saying to others that I was feeling an emotion so intense that I couldn’t even name it. I have been quick to yell at my wife, unable to focus, and have had rapid negative thoughts that just keep circling in my head. It’s been awful. Now, my thoughts are slowing down and my agitation is decreasing with my new antipsychotic, but I’ve been experiencing mild paranoia. I don’t want to go into psychosis. I’m scared. I’ve been paranoid that people are keeping secrets from me, paranoid that I’m being listened to, paranoid that my wife is hiding something. I’m still “with it” enough to know that all of that is untrue but I’m scared. Any thoughts are welcome.

Hey everyone

In the past month, I’ve somehow racked up 10k in credit card debt with nothing to show for it. This type of spending is new for me and has never been a symptom or pattern in the past.

The only solution I can think of right now is to disable my credit cards

I don’t know what to do or how I’m going to pay this off, I have a job but I also pay for rent, my car and my cat

How do you guys cope when you spend money uncontrollably?

one bad decision after another, I can’t afford to back to school, to get therapy, to put my life back in order. Or do fucking anything. I’m angry. I’m alone. I’m tired. And I can’t be motivated to do anything. I have no willpower anymore. I can’t hold down a basic shit job anymore.

It doesn’t matter. None of it does.

My enemies have all won and they’re laughing at me.

Pump me up full of drugs, lock me away for a few weeks, and I’ll just end up with a hospital bill I’ll never be able to pay back along with all the other shit I have accumulated.

I just wanted to be normal, man