I feel guilty

[u/Mysterious-Roll-2026]

I was diagnosed with an incurable stage 4 ultra-rare cancer in 2023. I joined a support group and met a fellow warrior with my type of cancer that was also diagnosed around the same time. She lived in my area, was my age and we were both moms. While we never met in real life, we texted each other often and leaned one another for support. I considered her as a friend.

Months ago, I texted her to see how she was doing but she never responded. I tried again a few weeks later to no avail. I found out recently that she passed away on June 13th.

This came as a big shock to me. While we both had the same cancer, we went to different hospitals and went through different treatments. Because we have an ultra-rare cancer, there's no standard treatment protocol. While we shared what each other was going through, we both felt comfortable with the providers and the treatment we've decided on.

After I've learned of her passing, I experienced a mixed of emotions. First, I was extremely angry at her providers. Then, I felt really guilty for being alive. Most of all, as a mom, I felt really sad for the children she left behind.

I think this is what survivor's guilt feels like? I'm not sure. My husband and family tried to sympathize but I don't think they really understand what I'm feeling. The cancer support group helps but the bond I've developed with her was a bit different than I had with others.

I guess I just needed a place to get this off my chest. I always feel better once I typed everything out here on Reddit. If you've read it this far, thank you.

[u/MrngSunshine]

My heart goes out to you. I've also experienced a whole bundle of mixed emotions in a similar situation. Guilt, relief, fear, grief, anger, hope, loneliness.

I (57f, dx May 2022, stage 4, uLMS) have been a mentor with Imerman Angels and have matched separately with two women with the same diagnosis as me (slightly later), also a rare cancer, all post-menopausal. None of us were on the same treatment protocol. My first mentee I was lucky enough to meet once. A few months later she stopped responding and later her son contacted me that she had passed away. I stopped mentoring the second mentee after my cancer progressed last winter and we were then able to talk as friends, equal sharing. She just went into a hospice center a week ago and I have lost contact. My feeling is she has passed and I'm just waiting to hear from her family. We never met, but did a zoom call and lots of phone calls and texts.

I'm so grateful I had these women in my life, both to support them and to share our experiences. They "got it" like no one else. I'm also angry that they didn't receive what is now considered the standard of care treatment that allowed me to live progression free for over two years. I wish they had had more time, more life, without suffering.

I also understand that they were tired of it all and ready to go, despite having loving families that wanted them to stay alive longer.

I feel guilty when I feel tired of it all, because I am lucky to still be alive. Now I'm on a clinical trial that could have benefited both of them, if they had been ok longer. If, if, if. I'm still waiting to learn if the drug has benefited me. First scans should come back Monday.

It's hard not to feel lonely and a little lost, but also....

THANK YOU!!!! for reminding me again that I am not alone in this. Neither are you.