r/cancer • u/ladybug_06 • Jun 23 '25
Patient Rejected because of my cancer
So I thought I would post this story on here because I figured you all from this sub would understand. I’ve heard stories from people where guys have left or turned women down because of their breast cancer but I finally experienced that. He didn’t reject me because I had cancer instead he rejected me because he couldn’t deal with the fact that I have no boobs because I chose to go with an aesthetic flat closure. I was told by him “I’m just a guy..” and “I have a list of things I look for in someone and this is part of it…” it just blows my mind to come across people who are not empathetic towards us and who do not realize that I did this to protect myself and my body. And just because I did not get reconstruction does not make me any less of a woman. This man had the audacity to lead me on tell me all of these things but the moment I tell him of my cancer he decided to “keep his options open.” He tells me he prefers a b/c cup on a girl. Like the audacity of this man. I have never met someone so self centered before in my life. I’m just sharing this because I know you all can relate to this in this sub and truly know the pain and heartbreak we have gone through. But it does not make us less than!
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u/tanari_atari Jun 23 '25
What the actual fuck???? You deserve someone, who loves you for who you are, not despite having cancer. I’m so sorry you had to hear such hurtful words. He didn’t deserve you, period. All the best to you
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
Thank you. It was hurtful. I’ve never cried in front of someone before but I did with him because the words he said to me were so insensitive and hurtful that he wasn’t thinking about what I went through and the trauma I had to endure. Instead my tears were “too much” for him.
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u/madeyoulurk Jun 23 '25
I feel you, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. In the middle of breast cancer treatment right now and was diagnosed just when I started talking to someone that I really like. Let me just say, you aren’t too much- he’s not enough. 🩷🩷🩷
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u/False-Spend1589 Jun 23 '25
Because of a super long story that I’m not gonna get into, I’m only flat on one side. I was once dating a man, who I had only ever kissed at this point, and he asked me to wear a shirt when we had sex. I told him I wouldn’t be wearing a shirt, because we are not dating anymore. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone not wanting to be with me because they don’t like how my body looks, but there is something wrong with belittling me or making me feel badly about something that I had no choice over. We’re not gonna do that in this fucking house.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
Exactly. I get it if you don’t want to be with me because of me having had cancer and it’s too much. However, to tell me it’s because I don’t have breasts which I didn’t choose to get rid of voluntarily. I had to to save my life.
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u/False-Spend1589 Jun 23 '25
Yeah, empathy is free. More people should try having it. I’m sorry that happened to you.
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u/SnooBeans3982 Jun 23 '25
Yeah, even if that’s really how he felt, he definitely should’ve just kept that to himself
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
Yes he should’ve. It’s insensitive to say it to someone’s face who has gone through trauma.
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u/SnooBeans3982 Jun 24 '25
Yeah it’s not normal. Don’t take it personally, he’s just a dick. For example, if I wasn’t attracted to a woman for whatever reason, I wouldn’t sit there and tell her “yeah, well your nose is too big and your forehead is shaped weird and etc etc “. It’s especially weirder to say that to someone struggling with cancer. I’d say u dodged a bullet. + if it makes you feel any better, there’s plenty of naturally flat chested girls & it’s really NOT a big deal for most men lol
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 24 '25
Yeah I know. I used to be flat chested almost before all of this so I definitely know I dodged a bullet
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u/jojo1556- Jun 24 '25
He did her a favor by letting her know who he really was before it got more serious.
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u/Optimal-Owl9903 Jun 23 '25
Long story short colon cancer, surgery removal, ostomy bag. Met someone before all this became an issue. We're older I'm 64 now, he's 61. We sorta of went our separate ways, It bothered me because I felt when couples first meet it should be a happy journey I didn't feel like taking him down this road so I said my goodbyes. At the time I was waiting for results. For 6 months we had no contact with each other, I thought of him every nite, I'm fact I don't even think he's knows how much my thoughts of him got me thru my dark moments of this cancer. So now it is June '25 in April he reached out, I told him right out what was what with me. I told him there was only 3 people who knew of my ostomy, my 3 children now him. As of now we've kind of rekindled our flame so to speak we've had sex! I don't pressure him in anyway or demand more time because I have to focus on my "almost there" with my medical situation. I'm hoping & praying for a reversal. In the mean time when I put the ball in his court I was so happy & so appreciate of his "looking beyond" the ostomy! I truly hope you find someone that'll do the same for you....🌿 Prayers....♥️
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u/Redhedkat Jun 24 '25
What a positive happy story! Thank you for sharing ❤️ Obviously it it meant to be because he had stayed quietly in the background of your life, the Lord works in mysterious ways. I’m so happy for you both. Make each other happy, live life, love life and each other, have fun, and laugh often, and love, love, love. ❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰
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u/raw2082 Jun 23 '25
I’m sorry this happened to you. As someone that did have reconstructive surgery, I’ve been rejected for the fact of being a cancer survivor. We didn’t even get into what type of surgeries I had, just ghosted. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now. There’s someone out there for you.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
I’m so sorry to hear that! I’m glad you found someone! Most people when I have told them have been very receptive and at least supportive. But this is the first one who has completely degraded me for a body part I had to get rid of to save my life.
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u/raw2082 Jun 23 '25
I’m glad this has been your only negative experience. I hope it stays that way.
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u/ElegantRelative1132 Jun 23 '25
Sending support. 29F and will also be facing dating post-mastectomy. Hopefully we can still find happiness in relationships despite the illness ☀️
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u/CiTy_KarMa Jun 23 '25
Sorry to hear this my dear.. hugs! i don’t want to generalize them but it really is in their nature.. boys will be boys. Remember that it’s his loss and not yours.. i always tell myself that no man can ever put me down after all that i have gone through cause of my breast cancer. I tried dating while i was doing my chemo, but the guy ended up ghosting me and after a few months. Then we reconnected and he told me that he got scared of my “situation” back then that’s why he ghosted me. It was a valid reason, i was also scared so i can’t be mad at him for saying that. But then i don’t know what to tell him after that. I can’t give him any assurance that cancer will never come back again… in the end, i just slowly stopped messaging him after telling him that it was all in the past and we can’t do anything about it now.
I need a guy who is sure with me, confident and brave enough to accept everything about me..
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u/Parviainebflokstra Jun 23 '25
Fuck this guy… I would like to think if he had his nuts chopped off how he would feel. Your already know this you dodged a huge bullet but the audacity of this one. He just has no idea
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u/Restingbitchface68 Jun 24 '25
"he prefers a b or a C cup on a girl" well I'm sure you prefer a better value/personality/aesthetic on a guy. I know it hurts now but I think that cancer is the one disease we get that really teaches us what we value. And it's not this guy
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u/SaneFloridaNative Jun 23 '25
Rejection is hard for any reason, especially when you feel vulnerable. He's not a keeper or someone to grieve over losing, but it still hurts.
At some point in his life, he will be rejected and maybe he'll remember what he said to you. It's like the old saying, "what goes around comes around".
In the meantime, you deserve to find the right person who values you. Hugs.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
That’s what I tell myself. What goes around comes around. He wanted to keep me in his life still and wanted to be friends. I told him no. Even a friend would be supportive of the journey I went on.
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u/Aaron-McCoy Jun 24 '25
My ex explored other options as soon as I was diagnosed with stage 3c seminoma.
I had more important things to deal with. Right.
She wanted me back.
I said no.
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u/Grimmy430 Jun 23 '25
Everyone has their own preferences and requirements for a partner. Some are more shallow than others. However, unfortunately, everyone’s are valid on their own terms. Some people just can’t handle anything other that ordinary and normal. Does that mean your physical appearance is a problem? Absolutely not. Not at all. Just means he was not the one for you and you probably dodged a bullet. He’s probably the type of guy who thinks a woman should snap back right after a baby too. I’m sorry it didn’t work out and that makes you feel bad. You are still beautiful and wonderful, boobs or not. You will find someone else who knows that too. I am sorry about the heartache now. I hope your heart will feel twice that in happiness in the future.
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u/COFFEECOMS Jun 23 '25
I empathize, last thing we need is rejection on top of all that comes with cancer. I am single with Stage IV colon cancer and am somewhat scared to get serious with a woman fearing rejection over my cancer. I get that a person might not want to choose a life with a cancer patient and the trials that come with it. Ironically I need the love and compassion more than ever and it feels there is another barrier to a meaningful relationship. I am envious of people that have a romantic partner to help them in this. I jokingly call it the “cancer cock block” for lack of a better term but it about way more than sex. I’ve said it before, perhaps we need a cancer patient dating app so we can meet people that “get it”. Life is short. I’d like to spend more time loving someone and having them love me.
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u/Good_Vast4993 Jun 24 '25
Good riddance! I know it must be very painful but you are better off without this guy. He showed who he is. You deserve better.
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u/mcmurrml Jun 23 '25
That's his choice and you have your choice and it didn't work out. This happens with all kinds of different cancers. It's tough. There are many here who have had spouses or girl or boyfriends leave them as well. What he said was very cruel. You are not a guy. That doesn't make you a guy.
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u/shaw101209 Jun 23 '25
I’m so sorry. Men are rejected for being bald or short or fat. You’ve been rejected before whether you know it or not by people just walking by.
Him being struck with that and not knowing what to say and really aren’t you glad it wasn’t after disrobing?
Throw in cancer. GD. I can just say I have cancer and it makes people not know how to act. Forget about him. It’s not you. It’s him.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
I know it’s him. I told him he needs to sit and think about the words he said to me because they were hurtful. He was not empathetic at all with what I went through. He was only in it for his gain.
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u/jojo1556- Jun 24 '25
What a jerk! I hope you don’t let it bother you too much. He is not worth it. I think he did you a big favor by letting you know who he was early on. I bet he admired that man who put a freeze on cancer research too. Sounds like it anyway.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 24 '25
It only bothered me because of the fact that I would never treat someone the way he treated me. Just the fact that he thought it was ok to say that to me is so crazy for me to think.
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u/ksv123 Jun 25 '25
You escaped wasting time on someone not worth it. Phew! Good ones are out there. Wonderful to invest energy into a relationship with a better soul. All the best!
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u/runswithlightsaber Jun 25 '25
I'm sorry. Such a superficial thing, you dodged a bullet. As a stage 4 cancer person surprisingly still here, it's really difficult if not impossible to find someone who understands your life will NEVER be "normal" nor how you see the future or the present. I'm sorry, but you deserve more.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 25 '25
Thank you! I am wishing you so many more long years with your stage 4! I hope you are doing well :)
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u/probdying82 Jun 23 '25
He’s not a POS. He just has no idea what this is. Cancer is a beast. Most ppl can’t emotionally handle it. They have no idea.
Find a caring loving partner but don’t hate him. It’s not worth your time.
If you had a partner who lost his penis because of cancer. You would have to make a decision on if you could continue with the relationship. If you chose not to, it wouldn’t mean that you’re a demon.
None of us know how long you were together. Kids. Married.
There are a lot of factors.
And this may have just been an excuse for him as he didn’t know how to process what was happening.
It sucks. Ppl suck. Cancer fucking sucks. But I lost a lot of friends. And ppl who faded away cause they don’t know what this is. And they are just living their lives. They aren’t bad or good ppl. Just ppl.
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u/Proseccos Jun 23 '25
Respectfully disagree. Regardless of the cancer, when you reject someone, you don’t tell them it’s because of their tits, their lazy eye, their third nipple, their extra finger. Anyone with a shred of consideration would simply say it’s not a good fit.
When you add the cancer back in, he’s totally a POS. We all have our preferences. But how you communicate or don’t communicate them can absolutely define you as a butthole.
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u/probdying82 Jun 23 '25
I agree with what you said.
I was mostly just saying it’s not worth the op’s time to try and figure out or think about the other person. Their job is to physically heal. And find a better partner
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u/Beginning_Shower970 Jun 23 '25
Well he saved you alot of time thank goodness he showed his true self so quickly. Well wishes to you :)
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u/WonderfulMe78 Jun 23 '25
Ppl feel like u will eventually be a burden to them. Some ppl don’t know how to accept or cope with all parts of life.
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u/cronediddlyumptious Jun 23 '25
I'm sorry this happened to you but I'm also glad you didn't put any more of your positive energy into an unempathetic asshat.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
Haha nope! He wanted to be friends and he was upset over the fact that I told him no. And he was like “wait so you’re telling me we are never going to talk again.” To which I said nope because even a friend would be empathetic towards me and what I’ve been through. 🤷♀️
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u/yaboibeasty Jun 23 '25
You could have possibly had a great friendship with him, he was willing to be friends and maybe that could have grown to something more. Things take time and understanding something you've never been apart of, well its takes even longer. My wife is still adjusting after everything we've had to go through, things aren't the same and we've had to change things for the comfortability and understanding of each other.
Cancer has completely changed my life and has put me on a ride I'll probably never get off of, but having somebody there to help me and to teach them has been the best part. I ask myself what if I had just abandoned all my family and fiance because they had trouble understanding and adjusting to the changes.... I'd be lonely and upset that nobody understood me, and I'd blame them for rejection when in reality I was rejecting them and myself from the people who cared and wanted to be there.
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u/DoubleXFemale Jun 23 '25
I would hope OP isn’t so desperate for friends that she needs to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a guy who can’t even spare her feelings on this matter.
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u/Klutzy_Macaroon6377 Jun 23 '25
I will take the unpopular stance on this one. First, I will conced what he said was wrong. There is no reason to make you feel bad about yourself or but you down in any way, that is inexcusable. On the other hand, I am 5'8 i have been told many times by women they prefer someone taller. I have been rejected as a man because of looks, money, race, religion, and everything in between. Ya, it sucks but it is how attraction and people are. I would not be offended if someone did not want to date me because of cancer, I accept they just don't want that. This was not a life partner who loves you deeply and will accept no matter what.
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u/DoubleXFemale Jun 23 '25
I feel sorry for the next woman to date this guy.
Someone with such a lack of empathy that they have to make sure a cancer survivor knows that their cancer scars are the reason for the rejection and then asks to “be friends” probably sucks to be in a long term relationship with.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
Yeah I do too! I sure hope him of whoever he is with doesn’t get cancer because then he’ll realize the trauma and pain someone has to go through
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u/MisterDelRey Leukemia Jun 23 '25
I really just try to count my blessings with these people, they did you/us a favor. There are so many sad stories of people thinking they know their spouse only for them to leave when they're diagnosed. The reality is they're too immature for a relationship despite what they might think because everyone will end up disabled one day and will have to caretake for their partner. We just got in in reverse and get to weed out these assholes.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
Yeah that’s what I think. At least I’ll be able to find someone who truly believes “in sickness and in health” when he makes those vows with me.
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u/dirkwoods Jun 24 '25
He gets credit for being in touch with his values and being able to articulate them. Not sure he gets a lot of credit for what his values are or how he conveys them to a fellow human being. You are WAYYYY better off learning early about this guy's values and steering clear as fast as possible. Hopefully you will get to q place where you feel sorry for him. Would you really want to have his life and values?
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 24 '25
Nope. It actually makes me sit here in awe with the fact that someone could be that rude and cruel to heartless to someone and to have those values because I would never.
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u/Foreign_Day_4875 Jun 24 '25
God sees everything. Including what evil choices people make. Some people also just have too many of their own problems and insecurities to be more to another person and can only be selfish. Stay Near God. God will uplift you to a true human being.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 24 '25
Oh I am. This man claimed to be a Christian too and I told him he better pray and get in his Bible about this. Because God looks at the heart.
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u/chadm17 Jun 24 '25
Wow that is horrible. As Tom Segura says “people suck” and this is very true in this case. You are better off
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u/therarebird845 Jun 24 '25
I think he did you a favor. His honesty closed the door hard and immediately on that relationship. My generation would call him a “tool” but other choice names come to mind. Thank God you didn’t waste any more of your precious time with him. I believe in karma. Maybe he’ll fall in love with a voluptuous “C” cup and she’ll break it off because his member is too small. 😂
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u/Just_Dont88 Jun 24 '25
Men are asses. My fiancé left me 7 months into my treatments. Probably because I had no hair. Who the fuck knows. Ive met some guys that are sympathetic about the cancer and I definitely have the conversation about appearance being a standard for them. I’ll probably never have long hair again like I did and definitely don’t want kids at this point. Some people really don’t understand the mental strength to overcome the losses you take with cancer like losing your breasts. It was horrible the way be put it though. You’ll find the right person. I’ve honestly put my dating on hold until after my transplant. The betrayal from my ex fiancé is still pretty hurtful. He had his right to leave but the fact he was shady and went about it are pretty fucked up.
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u/dav_bon Jun 24 '25
you shouldn’t waste your time on people like this. those scars are a reminder as to how far you’ve come. he obviously hasn’t had any hardships in his life.
i am very sorry this happened to you.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 24 '25
What’s sad is he has. He told me all about his trauma (not health though). I thought he would be more empathetic towards me but he was not.
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u/dav_bon Jun 25 '25
he’s rather self centered then, as you’ve stated. i hope you find someone that’s more mature than that
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u/CarolTor Jun 23 '25
That's an awful experience. It's no consolation but it sounds as if his issues objectifying women go far beyond considering cancer. Ugh. I'm sorry that you had to endure this complete lack of humanity. What kind of j.a. tells someone what cup size they prefer?
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Jun 23 '25
that's a pretty average male perspective* - he was just bold enough to say it out loud.
he is not especially self-centered - he's average.
*for men potentially offended by that, I have in-depth experience working with thousands of men over 10 years and they have shared their unfiltered mindsets with me.
I would be really grateful for his honesty.
even aesthetically 'perfect' women can be rejected for myriad superficial reasons. it's both fair - people have the right to have preferences, and simply where we are in terms of human evolution.
it's a blessing, IMO
"my garden is self-weeding" <3
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u/firemn317 Jun 23 '25
I'm sorry this has happened to you . I am here to tell you that there are worthwhile guys out there. but you have to look. And we live in a society that has bizarre standards. Don't feel as bad as you do but possibly feel that you've escaped the shallow person. My wife and I have been through quite a bit in the last few years but doesn't mean we still don't have tremendous desire. there are people out there who will understand you and want you for you. Bodies change through time and that's just how it goes so what. be proactive is something I would tell you Go find whoever but you just have to look. Don't wait for it to come to you. there is a story there but too long for this. so if you want to DM me fine I'll explain but take control don't be controlled find the person or persons that you like and want to be around and hang out with that's what we would tell you. we're going on over 20 years and we've been through a lot but we're still super strong actually stronger. so don't give up please and continue your journey to look. Don't let cancer define you.
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u/shiddyfiddy Jun 23 '25
I have never been able to tell if they're being THAT shallow and self centred or if they are just so scared that they pick the worst thing possible to hind behind because they think it sounds the most truthful.
Ultimately I skew towards the shallow end of the spectrum, because if they are scared out of their pants, they're still being selfish with the reason they choose. There is NO empathy even in their fear, so therefore they can go suck it and ruin their life over their inability to grow as a person, and I will have no interest in caring about it.
Good riddance to him and I'm glad you're in our little club here (not glad you have cancer, just glad you found us to help cope with it I mean)
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u/Present_Detail5702 Jun 23 '25
Ok so I understand part of what he was saying men are very physical creatures being a man I get that but to love someone just isn’t physical but I to struggle sometimes with the lack of her having the desire or energy and it does put the other person in a place where they can feel neglected intimately no fault of yours but it happens
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u/SadLilPopsicle Jun 23 '25
Good riddance. He didn't deserve you, anyway. I'm sorry, OP. Don't let assholes like that bring you down.
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u/Samrazzleberry Jun 23 '25
I don’t have breast cancer but I am so sorry you had to deal with that. It’s not like you were given a choice to be diagnosed! How appalling. I may not understand your struggles fully as I’ve been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (which affects the blood/lymoh nodes) but I still think about how I am going to be when I start treatment and lose my hair, will anyone want to date me? Idk.. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Inevitable-Rent-7332 Jun 23 '25
Girl same but uterine cancer. I couldnt "do it" dude it f'n hurts and do you not see the blood coming out of me a******
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u/Stumbles88 Jun 24 '25
Well sounds like you are better off without someone who just wants you for your body
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u/dshaffer78 Jun 25 '25
Guys even without cancer, people these days I don't even know the words to use at this point, Maybe down right foolish? In a world where everyone has their own flaws/imperfections most look at others like they should be perfect! I will never understand. To you all who have fought the cancer and are still fighting you're beautiful and perfect in every way. Don't let the lollipops tell you any different!
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u/Rick31415926 Jun 25 '25
I am sorry he feels that way. It is better to know now rather than later. I assure you not everyone feels this way. My wife had the same surgery. She was going to have reconstructive surgery for my benefit and fortunately we talked about her reasoning. She ended up not having the reconstruction and while she feels a little self conscious, I really don’t see her any differently. She / (we) went through a lot due to her cancer and that is one of the scars we carry but it does not in any way change how I feel about her or how sexy she looks to me. Hold out for someone with enough sense to value all of you
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 25 '25
That’s so nice to hear that there are great men still out there that do not care.
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u/erinmarie777 Jun 25 '25
You dodged a bullet. The guy was horribly and incredibly insensitive to tell you that it’s a normal reaction to say a woman must have b-c boobs or she’s an automatic reject. What a way to let you know he sexually objectifies women and their body parts. He’s the type to assault you if he bought you dinner because he will think he has purchased a right to use your body for his sexual gratification.
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u/Funny-Combination122 Jun 25 '25
Invasive Triple negative ductal Breast cancer here, no hair, no boobs. Only 51. Still joke, still laugh, still dance (when the energy is available). If it wasn't for the fact that i have a german shepherd that is only 5, oh and 2 girls 19 and 21 I would have let go. Idk how my dog would react, i am the only person he listens to, he sleeps with me every night. How could I leave him? I need at least 7-9 more years with him.
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u/Comprehensive__Peach Jun 26 '25 edited Jun 26 '25
Don’t worry, time will come, he will face his karma and someone will leave him because he will have erectile distinction. “Nothing personal, I just have a list of things that I am looking for in a man and dick is one of them, lol”. To leave a person in a most difficult time, it’s beyond cruel and he will learn his lesson. Flesh is temporary, soul is forever. He is just a lowlife who only can see things on low level. He has no soul, only basic needs. Primitive like Neanderthal.
I am wishing you healing! You are strong 💪
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u/Low-Picture3983 Jun 26 '25
I get afraid of cancer too I admit it. I watched my mother die of it and other family members died of it and I’ve got a phobia about it now and I hate myself for it people with cancer are still human beings and deserve love and care but I find it very hard to be around them. I don’t know how I’d feel if a loved one had it. This guy seems like a jerk, but maybe he’s just scared. Sorry I can’t be of more help.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 26 '25
I get if someone is afraid because I had cancer. I would totally respect that decision. But It’s another thing to reject me because of the surgery though and the fact I have no boobs. I won’t tolerate that one.
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u/Any-Business-5539 Jun 26 '25
It's actually great that he told you who he was up front, so you could dodge that bullet. Some people are pretty limited/ emotionally immature. You deserve better.
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u/Jakobmoscow Jun 27 '25
If hıs ınterests and preferences don't alıgn wıth what u have or want, ıt wouldn't have worked out satısfactorıally anyways.
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u/ididathingwithathing Jun 27 '25
You would be surprised. In my forums, the number of husbands who leave their wives or become emotionally/financially abusive while they suffer is astounding. It happens far more than you would think.
Quick edit: people also find others that dont suck. So it's not all hopeless.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 27 '25
Yeah I know there’s great guys out there! So sad that so many guys are not supportive though
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u/FearlessUse6394 Jun 27 '25
WELL AT LEAST YOU GOT AND ASSHOLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!! RED FLAG GIRLS !!!
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u/FearlessUse6394 Jun 27 '25
MY HUSBAND WAS IN A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT , HES FACE NOW IS SOMEHOW DISFUGURE, HE LOST HES RIGHT ARM, SINCE DAY FIRST I NEVER LEFT THE HOSPITAL AND TODAY WE STILL TOGETHER .......
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u/No-Coat5496 Jun 27 '25
Can you leave a negative review on his socials? Because nobody else deserves a faulty product like this sack of ball sweat.
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u/Agitated_Fix_4045 Jun 28 '25
I decided not to look for a needle in a haystack and instead focus on myself and my family. Most women give their all in relationships not knowing its unlikely they will get the same back if they are in a predicament where they are the ones in need. Its quite common for men to leave when a woman gets cancer, even if they are married to her. Estimates of just how many leave from various research studies are between 4x and 7x as often as women leaving. This also does not take into account those that stay but completely check out which I'm certain is much more common.
I am an RN, didnt practice long as it wasnt for me, but one thing you can't miss if you are paying any attention at all is that when women get cancer or serious heart disease they typically deal with it with accompanied by children, female sibling and/or a close friend or two. They are also way more likely to be alone at important appointments.
Show me a man on doctor day who had open heart surgery, and I'll show you a woman sitting next to his bed taking notes. Show me a woman in the same predicament and I will show you a woman who is alone, unless she is lucky enough to have a daughter.
Sorry. I developed a serious health problem during marriage one for which I got zero empathy and in fact my hisband was mad at me and cruel. Recovered and left him. Second marriage had a serious car accident. Husband, who had been good to me, turned dismissive and mean same as husband #1. He told me I used to be married to a beautiful woman, now Im married to an invalid. Recovered. Divorced. Tried to date, but just was not interested. Now a decade later I am sick again and this time probably going to stay that way. As much as I would live to have a real partner, Im so glad I dont have a weight around my neck while I am trying to fight through this. Why give my all if I'm going to get nothing back? I have an adult child, a few close friends and a siblings. I'm good.
Im sure there are men that would treat you well no matter your health problems. I would be very slow to trust or expect empathy though as it will probably take some digging. Just reality. All best to you!
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u/Lovie17AZ Jun 29 '25
I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better and I hope you find your person. 💛
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u/P_thomas13 Jul 13 '25
You do not deserve to be treated like that, he ought to be ashamed of himself. You are beautiful, strong, and deserve the world. Don’t let that asshole pull you down, there are so many other men out there that will treat you the way you deserved to be treated! Dont be hard on yourself, you’re incredible ❤️😊
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u/Hopeful-Influence741 Jun 23 '25
So sorry to hear that but understand that he also has things he looks out for in someone he wants to date/see. I would say that he also probably feels led on by you because you haven't told him about the decisions you had to make to save your life. Do let him be, one day you will meet someone who totally understands and want to be with you regardless.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
I told him during our first date. He knew yet he still pursued me led me on and told me I was beautiful yet rejected me because I didn’t have breasts.
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u/yaboibeasty Jun 23 '25
I think this is less about your cancer and more about your body and his desire. I'm not rooting for him im just stating my observation. If you had any other cancer or be it the same you have/had along with breasts, it would most likely not be an issue.
I couldn't be with a girl who doesn't have a pair on her, that's just the truth. Its not that i wouldn't like them as a person, it involves the way I am attracted to them. We could be friends however we could not be romantic, at least not to an intimate degree. It has nothing to do with your cancer or even you as a person it has more to do with me and my personal desires. There's no reason to shame somebody for how they feel and what they want.
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u/Sea_Hurry_1951 Jun 23 '25
Abandonment rate of men is 67% with women being 13% for cancer patients. I got a pamphlet when I was diagnosed. I think it has a lot to do with so many men being Dismissive Avoidants. Do a DEEP dive on YT and itll all suddenly make sense. I just refuse to deal with them even as friends anymore. Life has gotten orders of magnitude better, support for my cancer journey drastically improved.
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u/ladybug_06 Jun 23 '25
Fun fact he said he used to be an avoidant but now he’s “secure” yeah no you’re not buddy you’re still avoidant.
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u/Sea_Hurry_1951 Jul 12 '25
Ya, they like to say that because they make 1-3 changes but what they fail to realize is it's across every vertical of life. Not just "did I bolt on my relationship or cheat"
I have a couple friends working through it and they have said that a few times until I point out the 10x they totally DA'd in the last 6mo and it screwed them or did damage and then they go. "Oh..."
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u/itsallrightyes Jun 27 '25
I think you're taking it too personal. Everyone is allowed to have preferences in this life. I bet you also have some. And that's OK.
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u/MrAngryBear Jun 23 '25
I'm really sorry this happened to you.
I'm a guy, but l think l have some sense of what you've talking about -- colorectal cancer left me rocking an ostomy bag, and l've also met people who couldn't see past that.
Good luck out there.