r/cancer • u/bookboyfriendsROK • Jul 02 '25
Patient My battle with cancer is over, but my battle with my mental health has just begun.
I apologize for the swearing. This is a rant. I’m one year post chemo. Two months ago I was told I was cancer free. I should be happy, right? But I get to live in a fucking world where this disease exists. I have nightmares of what it was like physically for me during chemo. Sometimes, I think I hear the take home pump that delivered my chemo and I feel like puking. I’m physically and internally disabled. Walking makes me breathless. Chemo has left me infertile. I isolated myself from friends and family during treatment so they didn’t have to watch me go through this. I smiled at everyone and had that positive attitude to show them all that I believed I would be okay. Which was a lie. Everyday I was terrified. Even now, i’m scared of cancer in my future because my chemo has a chance of doing that to me. What a fucked up thing. I would be happier leaving this world via a freak accident instead. I’ve gotten to the point in my mental health that I don’t want to do anything because what’s the point? I see people on here who are terminal, or don’t know their chances, and they fight to live. I feel ashamed of how I feel because i’m cured. I should be celebrating the life I have but mentally, i’m exhausted every day. I feel so alone. I don’t know that I’ll ever be who I once was, or have meaningful friendships again. I don’t know that it’s worth the energy.
60
u/AccomplishedBunch683 Jul 02 '25
It changes you, I developed bladder cancer at 36, 50% chance of survival, at the same time my wife divorced me and left me with two young children. Now cancer free 16 years. I'm neurotic about my health, blood testing every month, peptides, vitamins, etc.. Everyone else seems to be on autopilot, figuring they will live forever.. It's like I'm living in a Final Destination movie and death is stalking me.
16
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
This ^ Best analogy i’ve heard.
31
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
I got a tattoo about my cancer. People would ask me what it was like and I could picture it more than I could explain. My tattoo is a woman being touched by death. That’s what it felt like.
7
u/Roscoeatebreakfast Jul 03 '25
Can you post a photo of it please.
5
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 03 '25
I can. I don’t know if I can post in a reply. Did you want me to make a new post?
2
u/rimelios Jul 05 '25
Yes please, if you could kindly do that.
2
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 05 '25
Okay. It’s done.
1
u/AngelicTaz Jul 06 '25
Just looked at your tattoo, it’s beautiful and phenomenal at the same time, thank you for sharing 💕
1
3
5
u/Edenwoman Jul 03 '25
Your wife left you with 2 young kids when you had cancer, what was wrong with her? I hope you have a great relationship with your kids now. I hope you never get a reoccurence of cancer either. I understand how you feel, I feel death is stalking me too.
2
u/AccomplishedBunch683 Jul 08 '25
Wife 2.0 is much better. I had one cancer recurrence after 3 years (16 years ago now). I'm neurotic about my health now, I pay out of pocket for monthly blood tests and regularly (falsely) believe I am dying whenever some blood lab report comes back with screwy values... then I wig out for a while and pay out of pocket for a whole bunch of other blood tests, make doctor's appointments until I can definitively prove to myself that I'm not dying. It's a pattern wife 2.0 tolerates.
1
1
35
u/Cold-Cheesecake6223 Jul 02 '25
I think the narrative that you get cancer, you fight like hell and if you win you go back to your normal life, is so false yet so many facing cancer diagnosis have this mentality. I wish the medical system did a better job of helping people deal with the very real trauma of this ordeal and the impact that results. I’ve often said, cancer isn’t always a fatal diagnosis but it’s always a lifelong one. I don’t have any advice just here to validate your experience. What you’re feeling is entirely consistent with what you’ve been through.
30
u/CatCharacter848 Jul 02 '25
Cancer completely changes your outlook on life. My oncologist told me it would take about 2 years to really get over the chemo, and essentially, that was true. The fatigue, general weakness, and psychologically adjusting to my new normal took about 2 years. I'm now 5 years down the line and still have the odd bad day and day. I worry about the future, but actually, life is good. It will get better. But it's hard, and honestly, it takes a lot to push myself onwards.
People think when the treatments are over, you're all better, but really, it's just the start.
I had to look at what I wanted in life and what was important now. I've changed aspects of my home and work life, and that helped. There's now my life pre cancer and the me post cancer. Not everyone agrees with my choices, but that's OK it's my life, and I'm happy.
7
3
u/Ladyz1234 Jul 02 '25
This is a blessing!! Continue to live your best life in good health.
Fellow Warrior
19
u/Good_Ad2957 Jul 02 '25
All of this. I’m 2 years post chemo for Stage III colon cancer. I’m about to be 45 and was 42 when I was diagnosed. While going through cancer and chemo allowed me to develop better boundaries in terms of only allowing fulfilling and healthy relationships with family, it has challenged me in ways I could never imagine. I have A LOT of anxiety now that I am “healthy”. My mind…JFC. Some days I live in fear still with every little pain. I have back pain that was not there before my diagnosis. On one hand, I’m the strongest and healthiest I have ever been and other days, I struggle with panic attacks out of pure fear that something else “bad” will happens. Some nights I have to ask my boyfriend to hold me because I’m terrified that things being so good right now will all be taken away from me in a heartbeat. I met my boyfriend less than 2 months after I finished chemo. My life is infinitely better post chemo but that alone is tough to accept some days. I get HORRIFIC headaches and some days my body is in so much pain, walking hurts. Massage and sports therapy has been really helpful, epsom salt baths helps and now having a cat and dog has helped to ease the anxiety. The thing is that I’m an LCSW and was working in a Level IV state prison here in California when I was diagnosed so one might think that I would be better equipped to deal with the anxiety of being cancer free now. NOPE. I struggled throughout it all. I hear and see all that you both wrote. I am with you and you are not alone. How you choose to heal is appropriate. Give yourself a lot of grace, kindness and love. Talk to yourself like you would a child who is hurting. It does help and it will get better because it has to get better. Sending you so much kindness and support.
6
18
u/phalaenopsis_rose stage 4 breast cancer Jul 02 '25
I'm terminal - don't feel ashamed. We each have our own mountain to climb. I'm so thankful chemo worked for you and you have the chance to go live your life. It may not be how you wanted (and that's an understatement) but hold your head high. You got through it and now it's time to see what your life will look like post cancer.
9
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
I will try, I can say that. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hate this.
3
16
u/PopsiclesForChickens Jul 02 '25
Sounds about right unfortunately. I'm 18 months out and it's better in some ways but I have multiple chronic conditions as the result of treatment, but not allowed to complain because no cancer so everything is good. Just a 40 something woman with osteoporosis who struggles daily not to poop her pants. Honestly, if they'd told me this would be my life after cancer, I would have done things differently. But it was all optimistic.
11
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
I know what you mean. I often think about what my quality of life would look like if I didn’t do chemo and surgery. But lived my short life to the fullest.
4
4
u/Low-Wolverine-1291 Jul 04 '25
Exactly. I wonder this daily. Everything everyone says is true for me about living with this sword of Damocles over my head. Everyone I know assumes I’m ‘better’ but we all know life is now day by day. Eating is annoying for me. My digestive system is all screwed up. I am prepared mentally for a recurrence should one happen. And I know I will never go through treatment again. But I smile and act ‘ as if’ for my family and friends. What else can I do????
3
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 04 '25
Yes, it’s so hard to eat like I used to. Digestion absolutely sucks. Lots of sour stomach, nausea, bloating. It’s like my body is screaming in pain still. Sorry if this is TMI but the chemo I had ended up giving me fissures. I didn’t go to a doctor for over 6 months because I didn’t want to be poked and probed anymore. I try to eat high fiber and take probiotics for the gut. I feel like everyday is a damn reminder. There’s no break.
4
u/Low-Wolverine-1291 Jul 04 '25
I’m sad you ate also experiencing this. People are always inviting me to eat!! It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing and sometimes I give in and go out to eat. Always regret it. Speaking of which, today I am staying in and stuffing my face and just enjoying my own messy and weird digestive issues!
2
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 04 '25
Haha I’ll admit, food is too good to not give it a go like that. Enjoy 😂🍲
12
u/Good_Ad2957 Jul 02 '25
Also, I want to add that our lives post-chemo will never be the same and that’s okay. We beat cancer AND chemo so we can’t be the same. We get to decide what we take forward with us. We get to choose the best parts of our pre-cancer life that we want to bring with us. We have to work to take our power back that cancer/chemo took.
9
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
I wish those choices and realizations came sooner rather than later. Now, there’s just so much anger and hate to sort through. I’m ready to move past this.
17
u/Good_Ad2957 Jul 02 '25
Lean into the anger. You have every right to be angry. Cancer fucks you up even if you come out of it with a “clean” bill of health. We literally accepted putting poison into our bodies which goes against EVERYTHING we were taught growing up. We really didn’t have much of a choice on how to remove it and destroy all remnants of it from our body. One day at a time, sister. Even if one hour at a time. I go full Darth Vader at times and just let the hate flow through me. I cry and beat the shit out of my pillow some days because fuck cancer. Let it out because it’s really cathartic. I say this as a cancer patient, chemo survivor AND a psychotherapist.
3
3
u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 Jul 02 '25
Plenty of that justified A&H exists even among those who refused those casual onc “just in case” recommendations made for chemo or rads or brachy. Where ongoing shitty side effects plague forever. And a pox on oncs & techs pushing “little freckle” tattoo dots on unsuspecting patients not realizing magic marker & tape achieves the same goal … just that it’s a little more time consuming for the tech team. But those nasty dots mark the patient forever.
1
3
10
u/Asparagussie Jul 02 '25
I don’t know if this’ll help, but it helps me: I tell myself that so many people have had a cancer (or two or more). If I’m on a crowded subway, I look around and think that at least three people on this subway car have been dx with cancer. And probably three on each of the other cars of this train. And here we all are, still alive, still sweating next to each other (or, if in winter, still bundled up next to each other). Yes, I’m still expecting a new cancer soon — and it’s been twenty-six YEARS since my breast cancer diagnosis! But I’m much less worried about getting more cancer than I was, and I bet that as the years go by, you’ll be much more at ease. Therapy helped me; joining a cancer survivors group helped; other worries pushed back the cancer fears, to some extent.
8
u/Adept_Tension_7326 Jul 02 '25
It sure if this will help your mental health or not, but you are not “cured”. You are in remission. The chances of recurrence of cancer is generally tracked over five years, statistically. After surgery and six rounds of adjuvant chemotherapy, mine was back seven months later. Nit the plan. Not happy.
That might not sound helpful but it puts you on the same playing field as the other cancer sufferers who have no idea if or when cancer will recur.
It sounds to me like you need to get away from your everyday and reboot. I know that for many of us that is financially difficult given the effect of cancer on employment.
Reach out to the Cancer organisations that have people trained to talk to you. Many of them having been through it themselves. Perhaps invite trusted friends or family back into your life. Normalise.
This whole thing is shitty You deserve better.
2
6
u/Tricky-War1128 Jul 02 '25
Trust that it gets better. I was so focused on getting through treatment that when it ended I was lost without it. It was a very physical thing to focus on that took all my attention and resources. Even though I continued to work (or fooled myself that i was) treatment was all consuming. Once that was over it was hard to transition back to normal. I also had guilt about moving on when others didn’t have the same outcome. I’m three years out and NED so far….and i am finally at the point that when people ask “how are you”, it takes me a moment to realize they are asking about the cancer. It’s no longer in the forefront of my mind. It will come to you too, keep fighting and fuck cancer.
2
u/Jane-Of-All-Arts Jul 04 '25
This. ^ I didn’t expect to have harder feelings after I finished surgery and chemo than during. My husband felt that way too just from the caregiver’s perspective. It’s like your body and mind subconsciously know you’re done fighting now and it’s a good time to freak out. 😅 I’m a year post chemo and I’m slowly starting to build my new normal. We’ll get there. ❤️
6
u/ChichiriPikachu Jul 02 '25
It is so damn hard dealing with the mental health aspect... And I'm still going through chemo and immunity...
I had been greatly improving with my PTSD from a freak accident last year - one where I witnessed my husband's very near brush with the other side...
He's still here by my side. And now we're on different sides of the fence. Last year was traumatic for both of us, now this year is traumatic for both of us.
My cancer was a very rapid and aggressive rare one - Dedifferentiated Endometrial Carcinoma Stage 3C almost stage 4... January starts off with not a thing even seeming wrong. By April I've gone into essentially emergency surgery that could not be put off until it's original scheduled date. Once the issue with my uterus has been identified as cancer, hysterectomy was definitely gonna happen. It wasn't until the post op pathology report came back that I learned why it only took less than 3 months for the shit to hit the fan. The surgery got moved up once they realized the cancer had doubled within only a 2 week time span...
Keep in mind - I'm not saying this to play Pain Olympics with you. I'm letting you know you're not alone with the mental health issues. That cancer is known to do this to patients.
We are in a hell not of our own design... It's not gonna be easy on anyone.
Do what you must to heal. It won't be immediate, that's for sure. Celebrate each little win. IDC how you celebrate. Just do it!
Good vibes and juju and thoughts to you!
2
5
u/Former_Professor_281 Jul 02 '25
To be fair, hospital workers are there to save lives. Optimism and less stress are proven to help recovery.
6
u/Mama_Ohana Jul 02 '25
Hello BookBoy, hopefully I can call you that. I am a 60-year-old woman. Last year I was told the day after my birthday. Which is in July that I had cancer. Now July is here and I’m terrified of my own birthday. They say I’m cancer free but I’ve never felt happy about it. Because I’ve never felt healthy since it started. Every word you just said I could’ve said myself. I totally understand the mental health issue. I’m mad, I’m mad at everyone. My whole support system failed me. It felt like everyone was just waiting to see if I would die or live but they didn’t wanna see me go through it. Out of sight out of mind. Cancer really sucks. Hang in there friend. 🙏
3
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
Oh my i’m really embarrassed 🙈 Reddit picked my name for me. I’m not really great at this Reddit thing. I have to learn how to change my name, if I even can.
I hear you too. It’s crazy how one event, albeit catastrophic, can completely take something good away from you. Even if you had plenty of good experiences around it before. It just sucks.
4
u/Starbucksina Jul 02 '25
I consider myself to be a resilient person but 2 rounds of chemo broke me. I was living on a daily dose of Ativan after chemo stopped because the panic attacks were so bad but I started Prozac and still on it 2 years later. I’m NED but on targeted treatment to prevent a recurrence. The side effects are more tolerable but there are plenty of side effects and I still feel the lasting effects of surgery and chemo. I feel like I went from a healthy 40yr old to chronically ill in a matter of months and it has been traumatic. Hence the need for Prozac and therapy. If you haven’t tried therapy or psychiatric help, please consider it. It won’t make you feel like you did pre-cancer but it makes coping with your new reality a lot easier.
3
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
I’m on bupropion and lorazepam. Sometimes I feel the up, but sometimes the downs are really low. It’s like a constant wave, nothing i’ve felt before. I know I should return to therapy, but i’m afraid of taking this anger and hate out on someone who’s just trying to help me.
3
u/Starbucksina Jul 02 '25
Do the therapy! My therapist saw me at my lowest. It was on Zoom so I was in bed sobbing. He talked me through the grief and fear. I wasn’t angry, but I was very scared and sad about feeling so sick. Specially during chemo. It really felt like I was dying and I wished I would because I felt so sick. Also, if you just started your psych meds, they take a while to kick in. Like a month but if it’s been a while, talk to your psychiatrist about adjusting the dose or trying something different. Now when I get hit with a side effect or catch something that makes me really sick, I feel like the Prozac gives me a little more bandwidth to deal with the ups and downs so I don’t have a breakdown like I used to.
3
u/COskibunnie Jul 02 '25
Huge hugs! I feel this so much. You are certainly not alone. I had my dbl mastectomy 3 years ago. I had lung nodules that grew, drs thought Mets, waited a few months for follow-up scans because it was too dangerous to biopsy, then had to do the same for my head because I had symptoms that indicated brain Mets. I found out Oct 2024 that I did not have brain Mets, it was just a cyst. I’m cancer free, however, the mental toll it took was incredible. It’s hard to try and pick life back up where you left off. Hugs, I really do feel you and I SEE you! I’m still in therapy to help me adjust emotionally to life after cancer. Huge hugs to you op!
5
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
Having to wait for results from scans and biopsies and going through scares was like twisting the knife in my chest. It fueled the paranoia and the nightmares of reoccurrence and just loss of hope. And then to be told, CT scan just picked up scar tissue. The PET shows you’re fine and be expected to walk out smiling like you’re in a gum commercial just fucks with you. Just ugh. Hugs to you too. I’m glad you’re working on it emotionally. Like many people here, I need to take a page from their book.
3
u/SFOxDCA Jul 02 '25
There are therapists that specialize in cancer remission. I was fine during treatment and was very gung ho I got this. I really, and I mean REALLY, struggled AFTER treatment. I was angry, sad, lost. I dunno, just NOT right. I went to a health psychologist that specializes in cancer recovery and it really helped. It’s super common to be angry post cancer. I thought I was alone in that and really beat myself up over not being happy. You are not alone. Please seek out a health psychologist. Your oncologist can probably refer you to someone.
2
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 02 '25
Thank you. I’m starting to realize therapy is needed. I’m glad I made this post.
4
u/jbbosco Jul 03 '25
Find a way to eliminate all fear of death. I believe the best way to do this is Mindfulness; always live in the now. Figure out how to quickly find your center when you need it. You can (and must) plan and prepare for the future, but it's pointless to fear or worry about it because it has yet to exist. That only breeds anxiety. Live in the moment. And the past? The past is gone - you have absolutely no control over whatever happened, so it's pointless to fret over it. It only breeds depression. Live in the moment. Now is the only thing that is real. Look up DBT, Mindfulness, emotional regulation. Buddhism. When you come to the point where you truly believe this shit, and are able to meditate to a point where the past is gone and the future doesn't exist, you will lose all fear of death and life will be easier. Worked for me, and wasn't as hard as it may seem. I was diagnosed with a high-risk variant of multiple myeloma in 2021, a blood cancer for which there is no cure; after two bone marrow transplants and non-stop maintenance chemo, I fell out of remission in April. The last two months have been brutal and intense, with higher doses of chemo and 3x the amount of the steroid dose that took me forever to get a handle on. Things are looking good now, but I'll be on 2x the amount of Dexamethasone along with Pomalidomide and monthly Elotuzumab injections for my future maintenance. And when (not if) I fall back out of remission again, we'll try something else. I will ALWAYS have cancer. I will ALWAYS be on chemo. That's a hard pill to swallow. So my mission in life is to keep it from waking up again and eating my bones from the inside out. My IT career is over; just got laid off since I was on long-term disability for over two years (can't do what I do while suffering chemo fog) and was approved for SSDI. So now at 56, a big severance package is coming my way, my 401k is accessible without penalty, Medicare is available for me (thanks to SSDI) and although it's not the way I wanted it to happen, I consider myself retired. Sounds great. I'd trade it all for my health in a second, but those are not the cards I was dealt. So I play with an ace up my sleeve. I fear no death. I live in the moment. I don't give a fuck. I plan to keep raking in the chips until I get to the final table, and I'll bluff and cheat my way through the game for as long as I can.
2
4
u/Educational_Poet602 Jul 03 '25
42 year old 🇨🇦 (at the time) - diagnosed with +++ DCIS, stage 2
I finished active treatment in Oct 2021. My job for the 16 months prior was getting through treatment. That was it. Once it was over I felt very vulnerable as I no longer had the armour of active treatment protecting me. I believe that feeling is pretty universal. Chemo is poison……you don’t recover from that in short order. In fact, I’m not sure one ever does return to ‘normal’……but with time, you’ll find your new normal.
I struggled for quite some time….I felt ‘un-anchored’, if that makes sense. I had no idea how to exist anymore. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, BFF and now a breast cancer survivor. I did what I needed to do, but as more of a robot. I figured out it’s an ongoing process, with no manual or timeline. Slowly, I started allowing myself moments of joy…..then I dove back into my horses….you need to intentionally reclaim what you loved before the asshole cancer decided to fuck up your life. That’s the key though….whatever IT is, it needs to be solely for you, your enjoyment, inner peace, call it what you will. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen.
There is no instruction manual for ‘life after’, or any of this bullshit for that matter. For me, I chose to make a conscious decision to not let the inner monologue be the loudest voice I hear. I made this choice because I was so tired of being in fight mode….its exhausting. In order to recover, I kind of needed to shift my mindset/focus from ‘fight/anger etc to rest/breathe etc…..let go of the fight/anger/fear. I didn’t dismiss it entirely, but I sure tried to not let it consume my days. There will always be an element of ‘what if’, I still have bad days, 4+ years later and I am pretty sure they will always be there.
Be kind to yourself-you just fought and won a battle most will never know.
Allow yourself some grace💕💕
FUCK CANCER
STRONG AF💕
3
u/lgood46 Jul 02 '25
Cancer sucks. The whole process. It takes a long time to adjust to the new you. Give it time and stay vigilant. Many of us thought that we were cured.
4
3
u/Exp626-Stitch Jul 02 '25
I completely understand ❤️🩹
Going through that with you, no one fights alone.
3
u/These-Sock-6664 Jul 03 '25
I hate the word cancer, I want to think of it as a metabolic disorder and I want to learn how to keep it away, there’s keto diets which are extreme for me, but eliminating sugar, balancing your ph, CBD 100 mg a day Fresh fruit and veggies, if I am going to die, I will die eating healthy not through chemo. It’s the quality of how you live your life. I’m scheduled for surgery this month to remove a tumor in my bladder, they say we caught it early, but it’s a life time of cystoscopy because it’s a cancer that comes back. I hope I prove them wrong with my CBD protocol and healthy lifestyle. Cancer doesn’t seem to like CBD
3
u/OkBumblebee1479 Jul 03 '25
One thing I realized is that cancer is a battle in your body and mind. So glad you’re in therapy it definitely helps me as well.
3
u/gabsterspams Jul 03 '25
felt this, i thought there was something wrong with me because during my cancer battle i was so stoic, i wasn’t sad or anxious, i just went through it, but now that i made it through the other side and am cancer free i have no idea what i am doing with my life, and the fear of it returning or everything crashing down again is always there, but going to support groups with other cancer survivors has truly helped, you’re not alone in this<3 cancer is unfortunately a forever journey but it’s all about being a survivor of cancer and not a victim, you beat that crap, wear on your sleeve<3 you’re badass and have great things coming for you, you beat it for a reason and are here for a reason, sending love<3
3
u/HailTheCrimsonKing Jul 03 '25
I was NED for a year and I was really happy but I also had a lot of trauma. It forever changed me. It’s back now and stage 4 and terminal, and I’ll admit that I’m envious of you and wish that I had the same problem but the truth is that cancer is traumatic no matter what.
My advice is just try to enjoy your life. Be selfish and do what YOU need to do to be happy. Go on vacations, enjoy hobbies, spend time with friends and family, go to the beach, have a cocktail, order some Chinese food and binge watch a good tv show, literally anything that may bring you joy, even if it’s small. I sit outside under my patio when it’s raining and just listen to the sound of it and remind myself that I’m grateful that I’m alive right now. It sounds corny and silly but it really helps me. Just LIVE. I highly recommend seeing a therapist if you aren’t already.
3
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 03 '25
That doesn’t sound corny at all. It sounds peaceful. I am trying, both to find joy in small things and now a therapist. I wish you the best quality of life for all your remaining time. I hope you have more rainy days where you can sit out on your porch.
3
u/itsallrightyes Jul 03 '25
Having been diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma made me feel like there s loaded gun pointing at my head constantly and never knowing when someone will pull the trigger. Eventhough I have been cancer free since my surgery almost 3 years ago, sometimes I just lay on the couch and cry about it. A lot. But it's better this way- to give freedom to all those feelings, rather than bottling it up.
3
u/Vivid_Yesterday974 Jul 03 '25
Please don’t let this take you out. I think that for what you went through (and alone, as you stated) you are experiencing PTSD from the trauma. When you were diagnosed I can imagine how scary that was. Treatment was even worse. And now, even though your margins are clear, your mind is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I really think you could benefit from either a mental health counselor experienced with PTSD or even a cancer survivor’s support group.
Don’t apologize for feeling how you are. That is one hell of a terrifying experience and you have every right to feel how you need to feel. In the same breath, don’t hold onto that anger and resentment. Find somewhere to release it. Start small and do simple things that you enjoy. Eventually, you’ll be able to get out and do more without the added struggle. Take care of you the best way that you can. I appreciated your rant because of its beautiful honesty. I think there are many more people who feel like you do.
Take good care of you. ❤️
3
u/Restingbitchface68 Jul 04 '25
OP I think most of us warriors are left worse for wear after chemo ...... I had similar thoughts after first round. And second round and third. I was venting in a similar way to my brother and after listening to me he just told me in a quiet voice "but you're still here". I remember bursting into tears . Life is more valuable than we think and the fact we are are here at all should be proof enough of how much it takes to get through this shit. Please talk to someone, anyone. If that's not your style find something that is. It does get better. I'm sure it doesn't seem that way, but eventually it does. Strength and blessings xxx
3
u/Garyann-9 Jul 04 '25
Don’t apologize for swearing or for how you’re feeling. EVER! I don’t know exactly what you’re going thru as I’m only a caregiver to a loved one with cancer. But look—you had the strength to get thru your diagnosis and treatment. I think this post was honest and brave and a good way to begin healing. The journey is difficult but you’ve come so far already. Please hang in there, I’m confident you will find the strength to get thru this also. Sending lots of positive vibes your way! You are not alone 💙
3
u/martimus__ Jul 04 '25
It's not an easy road but no matter how difficult it may feel at times remember the hardest part (treatment) has passed. I'm in my 10th year post all-clear, still dealing with complete apathy and the frequent crazy dream to boot.
I read the reply about your tattoo, and I also got one right after my treatment. It is yin-yang related, and came from a proverb that basically acknowledges that there is good and bad in everyone, and that we can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we let it affect us. This is the best advice I have taken on especially during the days of active treatment.
It also gives you a pretty easy scale of how to treat other things, as when something annoys or upsets you. When compared to having cancer/experience with treatment it immediately makes other things seem a little minor to get hung up on.
It will be difficult to adjust back to living a more normal life, and to not get caught in the throws of thinking about it -But make sure you do the best you can to go out and live how you want. After fighting like hell to get to this point I'd say you've fuckin earned it!
1
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 05 '25
That’s really neat. I like your tattoo and the idea behind it. I resonate with compared to cancer, what used to annoy me or bother me before seems minute. I think that’s what makes friendships so hard? I don’t resonate with a lot of the people I used to hang out with. I just find their grievances hard to agree with. It’s not fair, because crisis is crisis and everyone feels that level of fight or flight. Just feel like my yin and yang aren’t really vibing right now. My scales are tipped - hah
2
u/martimus__ Jul 16 '25
You're completely right on that notion, the perspective you experience through cancer and treatment first hand is so nuanced and anomalous of an experience that it can make it hard for people around you, friends and family etc to understand your outlook or feelings about something, or vice versa, because you may judge things on a different scale of importance than others that, broadly, may not have underwent something as psychologically daunting and eye opening as having to come to terms with your own mortality that Cancer experiences tend to bring. It's just something you and those around you should have compromise with, I.e they could try to understand if you have a muted or apathetic response to something they think is a big deal, why that is and that it doesn't mean you don't care, its just not as subjectively as important to you in the big picture as it is to them and thats okay. That being said, you should also try and do your best to acknowledge their viewpoint as to not be abrasive, but even if you don't feel as strongly about something as them, its okay to simply lend an ear, and try not to verbally undermine the seriousness of "the small stuff" they bring up too much because it may result in them coming to you less with issues, or being less open with you in future as no one likes to continually be told their issues aren't as "serious" as it feels to them.
Hopefully this is a bit helpful,
Carpe Diem, bud!
3
u/JimmyTheChooch Jul 04 '25
That’s tough and I hear what you are saying. Cancer is such a MF’er.
I can only offer you the other side of the coin. I got a stage four, it’s spread, you have two separate cancers in one tumour, and you probably have ~18 months to live diagnosis. The surgery was unpleasant. The first rounds of chemo were terrible. I’m currently on a three month pause to let my body recover a little and then it’s back to aggressive chemo to try and buy me some extra time with my wife and 15 year old son.
Don’t feel ashamed or worry about what others think. Cancer sucks and it’s not going to be pleasant. Take it one day at a time and look for the good things in life. You are not alone and you are heard. Keep living and I wish you all the best.
3
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 05 '25
Thank you very much. I wish you the best and I hope that chemo kicks your tumor in the ass.
3
u/Objective_Tooth_8667 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
The difference between having cancer and before having cancer (BC) is the stark reality of our own mortality. Cancer walks us to the precipice of life and makes us look over the cliff and see our own mortality. Whereas before we knew that end of the path was there but it seemed far off in the distance.
Now we may choose to walk along it's edge looking down to the depths but we don't have to do that. We've been there and we've seen it but we can choose to pull back and walk the path of life again. You're wasting time bogged down in the reality that we're all terminal but cancer patients are just more aware of it.
If you didn't have a life threatening disease would you stop living for fear of getting ran down by a truck, shot by a crazy or choked on a piece of steak? You got bigger mental health issues if you do! Cause as they say, nobody gets out of this life alive and we're all in it together. Or something to that nature.
2
u/pbhagdev Jul 03 '25
Just been diagnosed with NET kidney cancer. This is the first time I am sharing this out with people. I am nervous and anxious as more test need to be done to see if my cancer has spread.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you are cancer free and I hope you find the strength to heal yourself internally. Sending positive energy and thoughts.
1
2
u/Prudent-Butterfly-80 Jul 05 '25
Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel the exact same way. I was also cured and finished chemo in March, and I have been very depressed ever since. It doesn’t make any sense.
2
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 06 '25
I’m sorry. I don’t think there’s enough support for those of us who went through this and finish. We’re continuously being checked on through treatment, possibly free therapy and support groups and then when you’re done, bye 👋🏼 You really have to pick up your head and figure everything out for yourself again and this time, it’s after a big trauma.
2
u/Dry-Cardiologist8509 Jul 06 '25
Please go get professional therapy! You are loved I will pray for you!
2
u/light_shadow713 Jul 06 '25
Don't feel ashamed. Just because you beat the cancer, doesn't mean you suddenly have to be happy now. Your suffering is still very real. You still had to go through what every cancer patient goes through. Your body is still taking a toll.
I'm always anxious about cancer. It's such a scary thing to face. You have every right to be worried about it coming back, ESPECIALLY since you are affected in the aftermath. I would just focus on my interests. You can still have fun, but I understand that it's hard. Just take things one day at a time. You may have to face another hurdle with cancer, but you may not. You may never get it again.
2
u/DkKoba Childhood ALL Survivor 💛🧡 Jul 07 '25
I never got a true childhood because of cancer, and its affected me for the good part of the past 2 decades. However it does get better, things return to a relative norm. However the memories never quite go away, things are never the same, we are desensitized to pain and suffering to ourselves.
That being said, so long as it doesn't come back, it gets better. I have had lows over the past 20 years every so often, but the cancer related ones tend to get better and better the further away you get. The PTSD or nightmares never go away unfortunately, but the ability to cope and work around these moments do improve.
All of us are mortal at the end of the day, and cancer reminded all of us of that, and reminds us constantly in memory. However it's always worth the energy to do something with the life we have, to accomplish our own goals that we care about.
Congrats on 1 year, hopefully you get to start count decades.
2
u/Artistic_Disaster540 Jul 07 '25
I don't have anything profound to contribute to the conversation bc I am only three months post-treatment and still healing from anal cancer. Wow! To have feelings validated here is priceless!
1
u/handydannotdan Jul 03 '25
I hear you. I did chemo and radiation a couple of years ago. Things are getting better. Try KPax vitamins. They help you mitochondria. Also make sure you are getting plenty of magnesium and vitamin C . I started taking KPax vitamins after about four months post treatment and I felt better within days. I was actually kind of pissed that nobody told me about them earlier.
1
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 04 '25
Thanks. I take magnesium before bed since it helps with my sleep. I’m sure like many people here, very high doses of steroids messed with my sleep. I also take COQ10. Which kind of kpax vitamins do you take?
1
u/bookboyfriendsROK Jul 15 '25
Hello everyone. I just wanted to loop back around and say thank you to everyone’s supporting comments. I finally reached out for psychiatric services to help me with the mental and emotional changes i’ve experienced. I felt stuck, and all your messages helped me realize there is help out there for me, whether it’s in the form of therapy or medication management. 💕 thank you again.
86
u/FatLilah Jul 02 '25
The trauma from cancer treatment is real and survivorship is like learning to live all over again. Only now you have to process all the fear and sadness and anger that you suppressed while you endured treatment, just as all of your support network is like, Yay, you're cured and we can all get back to normal. You feel like you're supposed to be so happy and grateful, and maybe you are...but there are all these other feelings too. Yeah.
I was so lost right after I finished treatment. I crashed really hard when the high from getting through my big surgery wore off. Menopause hit me like a freight train. The late effects of chemo and radiation were still appearing and the spirit and drive that got me through the previous year just sorta dried up. And I was so sure that my cancer would come back that I started wishing it would just hurry up and happen so at least I could avoid the anxiety of waiting for it to happen.
It's been a year since then and I don't really have a lot of answers. Therapy helps, as does working on getting my physical health back. I also started reaching out to friends to talk about anything other than my health and tried to make an effort to support the people who supported me.
I just want you to know that how you feel is valid and you are not alone. You're right, you're never going to be the same as you were before cancer but I do believe that we can rebuild and find a new wholeness and happiness. Give yourself time to feel all the feels and work through it, but don't give up. You fought so hard to live for a reason 🧡