r/cancer • u/No-Permit-9519 • Jul 18 '25
Patient Officially Dying
Hi,
I haven’t posted on here since last year, but my prognosis has gotten much worse and I was just told today that I’m officially out of options. So I’d like to just vent a little bit.
The tumors grew so much these past two weeks that they caused a pericardial effusion, and my oncologist said I’ve reached the end of the road. I can try more chemo, or I can live out however long I have left just managing my symptoms until I eventually stop breathing or my heart stops beating. I’m not scared of death, but I am sad that I’ll leave my loved ones behind and there’ll be stuff I miss out on. I have such bad FOMO especially since treatment has kept me from being at so many events and doing normal young adult things. It’s really annoying to have to make this choice.
I don’t know what to do, I’m leaning on stopping treatment but I’m scared of the pain that might come from that. This sucks. But I’m also tired of constantly suffering only to keep getting sicker, so maybe it’s a good thing. It’s just very demoralizing to hear that you’re going to die and there’s nothing anyone can do to help you.
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u/OTF98121 Acute Myeloid Leukemia Jul 18 '25 edited Jul 19 '25
I’m in the same position. I have less than a year left, maybe as little as 3 months. I’m not doing any more treatment because it will only prolong my life by a few months, but it will drop my blood counts to zero and I don’t want to be isolated in effort to avoid catching some illness. I’m choosing quality over quantity. I’m also 52f, and although 52 is still on the young side, I’m at a good stopping place. I’m single, and I’ve raised my son to adulthood. I’ve experienced a lot, and I’m glad that I won’t have to die alone when I’m elderly or watch my loved ones precede me in death.
I’ve known that I’m out of options for the past 3 months now, and I’ve come to terms with it. I quit my job and I’ve got plenty of savings to allow me to do whatever I want. I’ve been spending my time making sure my estate is in order, seeing various close friends or family 3-4x a week, throwing myself a “death party” at a venue with an open bar/open mic to see all of my people including acquaintances and distant family (it was a really fun party and had a great turnout!), eating/drinking anything I want - now I can drink alcohol after being sober through my entire treatment. I also had a lot of food restrictions that I’ve thrown out the window. When I’m home alone, I enjoy myself with weed edibles and sink into a good movie with my cat on my lap.
Knowing my death is around the corner has given me a lot of freedom and peace. I see freedom in the ability to break all of my own rules within reason. I’m at peace because I no longer feel fear over our toxic politics in the US, the scary future of AI, or climate change (though I still recycle as much as I can).
This news is really fresh for you and it’ll take some time to get past the feeling of denial and/or depression. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It really puts everything into perspective, doesn’t it? Please try to surround yourself with loved ones. I find it to be most comforting and the best use of my time.
Feel free to DM me if you want or need to vent/chat/whatever.
Edit: when I mentioned I feel freedom to break my own rules, I meant that I sleep in until noon, let my house get messy, watch as many terrible movies as I please while eating an entire pint of ice cream. That kind of stuff.