r/cancer • u/Lovie17AZ • Jul 24 '25

Patient The tears won’t stop

Hi all. A brief intro…51 yo female diagnosed with oral cavity cancer in 2004 - non smoker, non HPV - 22 surgeries, partial glossectomy, missing lower teeth due to cancer surrounding the tissue and thus had to be removed. Talk with a noticeable lisp and mainly existing on a liquid diet Currently undergoing immunotherapy (Keytruda)

I am struggling lately more so than I ever have during my 20+ year journey with this horrific disease. I used to lie to myself that I was not chronically ill. I maintained my positivity until I was no longer able. My only child left for college last fall and it’s fair to say the wheels have fallen off. I kept it together for 18 years so my daughter wouldn’t be scared.

The Keytruda has made me far sicker than the cancer ever did. In addition to playing side effect roulette each day when I wake up I cannot stop crying. I am angry at the cancer and I hate how small my world has become (basically shuttling between my house and treatment). I think my husband stays because he feels badly for me. We once had a great love that has settled (I think in large part to my illness) into a roommate situation. I feel like I am just waiting to die and as stated the tears won’t stop. I have the most amazing friends yet I am still so lonely. I feel as though not one person in my orbit truly understands what I am going through. I feel so alone and so scared.

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u/mixmates Jul 24 '25

Over 6 months NED, sick most of the time. Peripheral neuropathy. Just existing in suck. We’re with you. Sometimes it’s hard hoping there’s a light at the end of a tunnel, any tunnel.

You get really philosophical about things, existence, trying to make things worth it. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. This is a group that cares, utilize it for your needs. Take care.

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u/Lovie17AZ Jul 24 '25

Thank you for saying that and I am sorry for what you are going through. 💛

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u/mixmates Jul 25 '25

I’m ok. It’s not that I can’t deal with it but I was trying to relate my experience to say you’re not alone. You don’t have to be afraid of death to want to live and the possibility of reaching a certain level of normality is reasonable. I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel and it has taken a year and a half to get there. Be optimistically stubborn. Be positive. Vent when you need to, bitch when you need to.

Live everyday.