The tears won’t stop

[u/Lovie17AZ]

Hi all. A brief intro…51 yo female diagnosed with oral cavity cancer in 2004 - non smoker, non HPV - 22 surgeries, partial glossectomy, missing lower teeth due to cancer surrounding the tissue and thus had to be removed. Talk with a noticeable lisp and mainly existing on a liquid diet Currently undergoing immunotherapy (Keytruda)

I am struggling lately more so than I ever have during my 20+ year journey with this horrific disease. I used to lie to myself that I was not chronically ill. I maintained my positivity until I was no longer able. My only child left for college last fall and it’s fair to say the wheels have fallen off. I kept it together for 18 years so my daughter wouldn’t be scared.

The Keytruda has made me far sicker than the cancer ever did. In addition to playing side effect roulette each day when I wake up I cannot stop crying. I am angry at the cancer and I hate how small my world has become (basically shuttling between my house and treatment). I think my husband stays because he feels badly for me. We once had a great love that has settled (I think in large part to my illness) into a roommate situation. I feel like I am just waiting to die and as stated the tears won’t stop. I have the most amazing friends yet I am still so lonely. I feel as though not one person in my orbit truly understands what I am going through. I feel so alone and so scared.

[u/oldfriend73]

Sending you love and strength and all the badassery ♥️ Cancer effin sucks. I just changed my antidepressant. The old one just wouldn’t cut it anymore. Please consider giving those another chance. Hang in there with this craziness.

[u/Lovie17AZ → u/oldfriend73]

Thank you for your comment. I’ve spoken with my team about both traditional antidepressants as well as ketamine therapy. Hoping for brighter days ahead for us both. Take care of yourself. 💛