r/cancer • u/Julesx23 • Aug 01 '25
Death i gave up
This is a long and deeply personal text. I feel the need to vent here, among strangers, because I simply don't have the courage to share what I'm going through with anyone close to me.
Summarizing my story: I have faced aggressive breast cancer. This is the third time it has returned and, this time, it has spread to other places and is much more aggressive than usual. I'm exhausted. I can't take any more treatments, with fading hopes, with the physical and emotional wear and tear, with the days full of uncertainty. I am fully aware that this is consuming me little by little, and, honestly, during all these years of illness, I have not felt that I was really living either. This is not life… not in any sense.
Is there anyone else here who has decided to stop fighting their illness, who has chosen to suspend treatments? I would like to read to you. My decision has several reasons: everything I already shared, but also the economic situation. In the country where I live, the most effective treatments are only obtained privately. I have spent everything I had: I sold my house, my car, everything of value, all my savings, just to have the hope of accessing an opportunity that, however, was denied to me time and time again. Now, when this illness returns, I have no strength or resources left, even if I wanted them with all my being.
I know I'm still young, but I no longer feel like I have anything to lose... or gain. I live this process in solitude; My family doesn't know, I haven't wanted to share it because I don't feel like they're interested in hearing it either. I feel alone, once again: the world against me.
I would like to read them to those who have made this decision, what motivated them, and what advice they can give me. Thank you for taking the time to read me.
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u/Enough-Leg-6154 Aug 02 '25
I have not reached that point, but I do have a point in mind when I am pretty sure I would do the same. I have watched family members as they have faced different chronic, quality of life reducing conditions over the past few years and have developed my own metric for when I will choose to not fight it anymore. Everyone is different. I hope you will experience peace as you experience this next chapter. Please reach out to a hospice care provider. They can help you navigate this next stage, including the difficult conversations.
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u/throwaway_2021now Aug 01 '25
I wish I can give you a hug. I’m sorry you’re going through this without telling your family. I hope you’ll get the proper support and treatment.
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u/Character-Barber-223 Aug 02 '25
My mother in law made the decision to stop cancer treatment many years ago. Her prognosis prior to this decision was quite poor and she had suffered from side effects of treatment for a long time. I shall always admire the choice she made to spend her final days with dignity. She spent them on her terms and in the intimate care of her loved ones and the in-home hospice volunteers who provided palliative care with warmth and compassion. I am moved by your honesty, clarity and courage and wish you peace on your journey.
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u/New_Low9542 27d ago
Hello, I’m sorry to ask this. How does your mother in law felt after stopping the treatment? What did you notice about her? I have my mother in law living with us and I am the one taking care of her 24/7. Aside from her dementia getting worse i’d like to prepare myself of what’s going to happen. My sil doesn’t want her to be on in-home hospice even if the doctors are insisting she should already be.
I’ve read a lot about hospice and I think it’ll help both me and my mil but now I’m so lost.
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u/fluffymonsterduo 27d ago
I think you have to do what is best for you, and I am certainly never going to judge that. Anyone who would doesn’t understand what you are going through. And don’t let anyone tell you “well I would never do that” because until they are in your exact situation they have no idea what they would do. What people value in life can change and usually does change, and that is entirely on everyone’s own lived experience. All this to say—don’t let anyone’s judgment touch you. It is meaningless.
As for your mother-in-law, I haven’t been in this exact situation, but as a former caregiver I will say that your sister-in-law can tell you what she wants all day, but she isn’t the one putting her life on pause. If you, as her 24/7 carer, believe your mother’s doctors and your own intuition, knowledge, and experience that it is time for hospice care, then it is time. If your sister-in-law objects, then she may take over care and make that decision. But hospice can be such a blessing not only to you, but to your mother-in-law as well. In my experience, hospice is about making the person as comfortable as possible at the end of life. Our time to leave this life won’t change, but we can maximize the peace and dignity our loved ones feel leading up to it.
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u/boxes-of-foxes13 29d ago
Since ive been on chemo, i decided this is the only fight i have in me. My cancer is high risk for coming back. And if it does, i will not be doing chemo again.
People really dont get how much it takes out of you. Financially, mentally, and physically.
My father, who had agressive stage 4 cancer when i was around 5, used to say to me "the things that dont kill you, make you wish they did" And i never understood that, until chemotherapy. I do not wish this on my worst enemy.
You know how much you can take. If it is time to rest friend, do it. Do not feel bad for your decision. Live your life how you see fit.
Im so sorry youre dealing with this decision. I know the weight is heavy, but you are not alone.
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u/Best_Cantaloupe556 Aug 02 '25
So sorry you’ve been forced towards this despair. It’s hard to understand why these things happen, why life can be so hard. I hope you find peace.
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u/Comfortable_Hour8687 29d ago
Not me personally but my little brother . He was 30, and he decided he was done with living as you say. Treatment to treatment and exhausted down to his soul. Through medi-cal (Kaiser ) he was able to attain services similar to maid, here in California . So when his cancer had returned aggressively he chose to pass at home once he felt ready . It was obviously devastating to us his family, but he was at peace with declining treatments and passing on his terms . At first I did not understand and begged him to keep fighting .. which I now regret often. He was tired and tired of fighting . He fought anaplastic ependymoma brain cancer for 7 years .
Feel free to list all of your thoughts back and any questions, and I am sorry for all the stress on top of fighting so very hard .
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u/Vivid_Yesterday974 Aug 02 '25
I admire your ability to speak so rationally about the health issues that have literally plagued you over and over again. I admire your courage and bravery to (even among strangers) put your heart on paper(electronic paper, but paper nonetheless) and open your heart and soul about what being sick nowadays costs - not only financially (because you have lost a lot), but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I admire your bravery and dedication to following the path that you believe is right for you. I am saddened to think that your family wouldn’t want to know the battles you have so bravely faced and the new ones you are facing now. I want to give you the biggest hug and I wish I had an answer that made even a little of your pain and despair diminish. I really would encourage you to reach out to support groups geared to what you are going through not only health wise (because we all know that feeling that you are not yourself, but your disease) but to people who are facing the same decision of terminating care.
We live in a world where (like someone before me said) the rich are spending on 1 million dollar plus vacation weeks for themselves and not doing a damn thing to change the reality of the suffering of their fellow citizens.
I truly wish I had a solution for you. I just wanted to say that your post touched me in so many ways. Your honesty and raw emotion inspired me to respond. I hope you make peace with whatever you decide and you ride your rainbow to your own peace of mind.
My thoughts and a piece of my heart are with you as you navigate an impossible situation. Take good care of yourself and know that you are loved - even if it’s from a stranger like me- it’s the truth.
🩷
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u/RevolutionaryCode763 29d ago
I cannot say that I got to the point of giving up, but I certainly had the thought “if this came back, I don’t think I could do it again.” Dealing with resurgence seems like a burden too difficult to carry. So, I do understand. And like others said, this is your decision and you don’t need to justify it to anyone. That goes for any decision made during and after cancer treatment. No one understands how horrifically bad it is and how much it destroys every facet of your life. I am enraged and heartbroken about the financial situation you’re forced to be in. Shame on the billionaires who could pay for everyone’s cancer treatment without even noticing the cost. Heartbroken and saddened for you and anyone in this position. But, completely understanding and you have my solidarity.
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u/3oClockHappyHour Aug 02 '25
Internet love and hugs. I’m So sorry it has come To this for you. You have a community that loves you and supports you as best we can. This disease goes scorched earth. I think I can speak for everyone here, we are there for you. Thinking of you tonight
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u/Gulal20 29d ago
Hey. Although you may give up on the medical procedures don’t give up on life so easily. Now that you have made the decision of not pursuing medical process, you will find yourself liberated and alive. There are numerous alternative medicines and procedures which might not cure the cancer but definitely help you live long and healthy with minimal effects of disease. Wishing you positive for path ahead.
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u/Squeaks11 29d ago
My mom is 80 and just diagnosed with bladder cancer..she had the tumor removed (she didn't have much of a choice, it caused so much bleeding that her hemoglobin was 4). She's opted to not have any further treatment. I feel as though my job is to advocate for her and make sure we both know what to expect so that we can deal with it but my job is NOT to talk her into treatment. There are other family members who would want her to be treated but it's not their body, their life or their choice.
YOU have the right to be treated or not. I would just make sure that you have got your legal ducks in a row and give someone you trust to follow your wishes healthcare proxy/power of attorney. That's not necessarily your family.
Wishing you peace at this difficult time.
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u/Ok_Act7808 Aug 02 '25
If you have liquidated assets you would be able to get Medicaid which would cover treatment if you changed your mind. This is my second aggressive cancer in 4 years. I am stage 4 liver cancer which has no cure. I am now in a trial which may very well work. We all have choices to make and they aren’t easy. I pray your decision will bring you peace of mind ❤️🩹🙏
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u/NumerousCucumber4962 Aug 02 '25
Yes. I read your concerns thoroughly, can relate and am here to share.
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u/Easy_Ladder3687 therapist 29d ago
Simply by writing those words you are showing desire. Even questioning your desire is an expression of hope. As long as you are breathing, you might be able to influence the situation.
This is not toxic positivity. My observation is that you’ve reached an end in your current approach and you might have an option now to look outside the box. Maybe you can get a new doctor, maybe not.
In any scenario, you have no responsibility to anyone other than yourself and you have reached a point where shame should be thrown away and you deserve peace.
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u/Mango106 Patient 29d ago edited 29d ago
You're making an intensely personal choice, and I fully support your right to do so. I'm just starting my cancer journey at 70 years of age. That choice is very much on the table should I find myself in a similar situation. Quality of life is far more important than quantity.
There's an excellent article about precisely this topic. Published about 15 years ago in the New Yorker, I only encountered it about seven or eight years ago. As a PICU RN, it struck me as particularly salient. It's a highly charged subject that many physicians struggle to broach. Patients who face this choice often face tremendous pushback. This article put into words things I'd been thinking after decades of caring for children and young adults with cancer. I hope it gives you some insight and perhaps some comfort.
Unfortunately, the link is behind a paywall. DM me for a copy.
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u/yahtzee777 Aug 02 '25
All the things you’ve mentioned are valid. I understand not wanting to have this conversation with your loved ones, but when the time comes to speak to them about this, they will (should) hear you out. You and your illness is not a burden to them. I hate that you even feel that way. I’m assuming that the country you are in is the US, if so, my heart goes out to you profoundly. This is all very unfair but know that there is in fact a group of people who are willing to speak and hear you out. Sending you the biggest hug and may you experience a miracle (even if it doesn’t feel that way rn). 🫂
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u/TelevisionFormal1739 Aug 02 '25
Doesn't sound like USA. Sounds like a country with socialized healthcare, but some private for wealthier people that's better.
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u/Pristine_Cod_3792 Aug 02 '25
sickening , these socialized health care systems. My niece in Spain who is 41 has breast cancer .
it took 6 months to get a biopsy.
the cancer had spread , now she is battling .
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u/Evely_Ardor Aug 01 '25
There are non-profit hospitals and maybe a doctor that specializes more in what you are experiencing! I’d suggest making a blog and each out more to others who have gone through similar
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u/EllenJosephineHickle 29d ago
Hopefully this doesn’t sound ignorant, but is there a chance of starting something like a GoFundMe in your country? At least as one last effort to address the financial portion of your decision
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u/eurhah Caregiver, stage IV lung cancer 29d ago
Hey OP.
My mother did, and it is OK. It isn't that she didn't want to fight - she found that the drugs were really debilitating and got in the way with what she wanted to do.
She is still fine, but the end is known.
I am very sorry you find yourself here - while I do not have cancer I feel that I understand her decision. Please feel free to talk to me if you want.
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u/Hijak159 29d ago
I am almost ready to give up also, but I have more chemo med that I am starting and that will be the last thing I can do
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u/oldfriend73 29d ago
It breaks my heart that you’re going through this so alone. This is a personal decision that only you can make. If you decide on no treatment, try to make the most of whatever time you have left. Whether it’s with your family or a family of your choice. Sending all the love. I hope you can make a decision and be comfortable with it, and cross over peacefully when it’s time. ♥️
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u/Glittering_Cap5485 29d ago
hey , my name is Matthew I am 26. I have always worked , I always looked forward to getting older like my brothers 7 and 9 years older than me so I acted older pretty soon I was older and it also felt like I had no childhood at all , even though I did . a great one all things considered , I recently as in yesterday discovered I have heart disease. the same thing that in the end was the disease that killed my grandfather and best friend since 7 years old , when he took me out to shoot my first 22.cal long gun. it was a marlin , bolt action with a scope I can still see it. heavy and daunting . I digress and diverge but try to stay on the main topic . these are the real thoughts and emotions I went through.I was not scared or even anxious at first . it was oddly calming and I suddenly didn't have an extra 30 years at the end of life to worry about , if your anywhere near my age you have been told how you will probably never retire till your 80 never have anything like social security because it's almost already gone. to me that was some freedom I feel like gained back for myself but im 26 and halfway to 27, already... i know now this intead of figuring it out in mid 50s and having to come to terms with experience and life ending even more abruptly and painfully that I already would feel creeping into my bones. it was the same feeling of freedom and grounding that I received when grandpa took me out to target practice at 7. the first time I saw the marlin bolt action rifle. The odd part is it did not even surprise me that it's what was wrong with me , why I have been so tired and worn . what I put my body through and how similar me and my grandfather were, how close we were . there was no doubt in my mind that I wouldnt go out the same way he did. After thinking about it , talking with a few friends , I was not scared like I thought I would be given news like this. i was optimistic, but that doesn't always last. i know my story might have wandered but it felt like I resonate with this topic and hoped that I so might find some other people who are having similar situations and how they are handling it. I know we're stronger together and what night help one person might help another but it might not as well . But what I know is it's easier going through it together and even having someone you look up to or learn to admire go through it and know your going to try and jus do as well or better. I apologize for any Grammer or spelling mistakes, I did graduate 2 years early by testing out of school to get to the city and start working and being with my brothers as soon as I could. home wasn't home anymore and your home is actually where you are loved and it does take some effort to make a new home. home moves around your whole life. just try to realize when you are there when you arent. it sounds like you left home and won't go back because your worried it's not there. but your family, and I am not sure where your from but if you tell what's happening to you your family will become obvious so don't go it alone, I was in fact feeling very similar to you and had not told much of anyone. thank you all and whoever you are if you are lonely try to look around you most likely are not.
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u/RestlessMantis 28d ago
u gotta trust your friends and your family. the people close to you will support you anyway they can. do you log what you eat? i heard you can keep cancer in remission with a healthy diet which includes fiber. please don’t give up on yourself.
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u/Swimming_Anything_27 28d ago
I understand you, diagnosis and treatments usually involve a lot of pain and suffering and only you know how much you can handle or not. Life is always worth it, your family loves you and cares, you are not alone. It's a shame that you will probably receive my words empty and without feelings. But really, I would like you to feel loved and worthy. I really wish I could help you at least with words. Try therapy, it can help you feel some comfort in this situation. But I'm not invalidating your feelings or saying you're wrong for choosing to stay in palliative care, only you know how much it weighs. I just hope that regardless of your decision, it is made lightly and you can have at least one reason to smile every day. You are still here and every day you give your life gives your family a reason to be grateful too.
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u/NoShip2474 28d ago
I cannot imagine how hard this is for you, but I am sending you love. My late partner hit a point with his glioblastoma wherein the cancer was untreatable. I am surviving my grief and alcoholism in his wake. Eventually I will recognize how lucky I am and stop abusing this vessel.
I hope you can share this experience with the people who love you. I hope you find a miracle. I hope you know how precious you are, and carry that with you.
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u/NoShip2474 28d ago
Honestly, he had a hard time being candid with the majority of the people in his life, because they were overly optimistic and would not see the grave reality he was experiencing. Only a few of us he could talk with. It almost sounds like you need and hope for someone close to you to be able to receive the true gravity. I hope you have someone like that.
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u/MemoryDistinct1611 28d ago
My Dear sweet friend , I don’t know to express my deepest sympathy for what you are going through. Try not give up ok . I truly understand trust me I do. If you need someone to vent to send me message I will listen we can talk.
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u/Lazy-Knee-1697 28d ago
I am so very sorry for what you are and have been going through.
And I DETEST the "warrior" language and rhetoric around people's decisions around treatment.
Patients who make the decision to stop treatment are made to feel that they are weak-minded, selfish or just didn't fight hard enough, and it really misses me off.
It is your decision alone, and you should be treated with the same dignity and respect as anybody else.
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u/Panther4533 28d ago
I’m so sorry for you. It’s unbelievable you can’t get the treatment you need. I have stage 4 cancer as well I’m not to the point yet where it’s just not worth it anymore. My cancer community online there are many members that reach a point and just stop treatments and enjoy the remainder of their lives with a better quality of life.
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u/dirkwoods 27d ago
I am sorry you have arrived here and fully support your decision.
This sounds like a very rational decision that only you can make given all the medical and non-medical things going on in your life.
I know little about your details but I do know that they do not save the best for last in terms of treatment, and that most first and second line treatment are very similar most places regardless of how wealthy one is or how renowned the cancer center is. You have likely already had your best shots at beating this with the fewest side effects. The studies I read about 3rd and 4th line treatments frequently talk about increasing survival by months (at the cost of side effects).
I wish you well on this phase of your journey.
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u/No_Inside196 27d ago
My heart goes out to you. So sorry for all you've gone through but hope this decision brings you peace.
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u/MistaDontPlay34 27d ago
I am so sorry. This breaks my heart. Whatever you choose is your choice and you don't have to explain to anyone. That being said, please, please tell your loved ones. Don't deny them this information and deny them their last moments with you. Otherwise, I wish and pray for peace and comfort for you
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u/Character-Barber-223 27d ago
I’m sorry but it was many years ago and she lived far away from us so I really didn’t observe the day to day changes. Wish I could be more helpful.
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u/BreastCHottie_32F 27d ago
Im so sorry. I too am in this breast cancer journey with u. Of course it is your decision but if you choose to continue treatment try gofundme and try finding free treatment options like st jude or volunteer organizations. May i ask, specifically What is the treatment that you said u couldnt afford?
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u/Pawkul860217 26d ago
The only fact that comforts me is that no one is immortal. The process of dying from cancer is actually painful, both physically and mentally. Now I wonder who I should blame. The neurologist who told me it was nothing. A gastroenterologist who performed a colonoscopy twice. A psychiatrist who, instead of telling me what other tests I could do, told me, "You don't die of cancer right away." Is my GP who said we'd wait until the CRP rose to 50. Or maybe I was responsible for not digging into the subject more, but for trusting the doctors that I didn't. Now I have three colonoscopies and probably a diagnosis of "non-surgical colorectal cancer." I am really afraid of this study and especially of the diagnosis. Because what am I going to do with that information? Will he break down and run away in Vódka? Will I commit suicide? Well, I won't do it because even if it hurts, I'd like to look at the world for a while longer. Or maybe there will be an alternative to undergo effective treatment, not just palliative care. "Every man born, destined is death"
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u/Big_Friend7211 21d ago
I am sorry for what you are going through but I will tell you my opinion we should be in control and not depend on others for solutions what I mean doctors are so busy and overwhelmed and have to abide by the hospital rules they will not tell you what do and some don’t even care. But there are alternatives out there and never give up hope or feel you are a victim. Hardships come to our life so we grow and some are very harsh lessons. Look up some drs like Dr William Makis helping with anti parasitic drugs that also kill cancer cells also Dr Thomas Lodi also see joe tippens story how he cured himself and his protocol all over the internet try to understand why you have this what life style you need to change there is always hope wish you all the best
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u/Strange_Percentage12 Aug 02 '25
I have crazy questions about if this is some crazy ulterior motive of the higher wealthier people but than cant imagine a sicker mind but pray and know i can only leave it in Gods hands
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Aug 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/erinmarie777 29d ago
I don’t recommend that anyone just believe a random stranger hawking an “easy cure” and wanting their phone number.
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u/Choice-Status9283 19d ago
I dont need anyone's phone number!! I have no personal interest whatsoever!! You're taking it as a joke probably because you can't fathom there is an easy cure since big pharma has brainwashed you so much that you think only agonising pain is the way forward to cancer!
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u/Choice-Status9283 19d ago
Moreover what's the catch? you lose nothing after 7 days! I am not stopping you from your diet or any other thing you're doing.
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u/No-Camera-720 Aug 01 '25
This is your decision and yours alone. You don't need to justify or explain to anyone. I'm sorry that this horrible disease has put you in this corner. The wealthy of the world could pay for the cancer treatment of millions without suffering, yet they monetize our diseases and profit off our suffering to add a few pennies to their mountain of gold. A LITERAL special corner of hell for them. If you follow through, I hope your journey to and through the veil is somehow easy and peaceful.