r/cancer • u/Rachel21321 • 1d ago
Patient Annoyed at calling it a fight?
Anyone else thankful but also get annoyed when people call you a fighter or this cancer a fight or that you are so brave? I don’t think I am any of those things. I am doing what I need to do to get better. It doesn’t feel like anything I’m really doing is “fighting” or “brave” or even changing the situation aside from making decisions. It feels like these steps I take either work or they don’t but not through much conscious fault of my own. To me it just feels like this shitty thing to hopefully get through.
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u/feathernose 1d ago
Yes it is so annoying. They all mean it so well, but it does not help. And i never know what to say. I have to hold myself in to not get angry with friends who call me a warrior or whatever.
I do appreciate it when people call me (mentally) strong because yes, i have been living with cancer, many treatments and a lot of pain for 7 years now and i am still able to enjoy life, also in the little things, and that is not easy. It's nice that people are able to see that i am able to keep my head up in difficult times. It is nice to hear that i am still appreciated for my positive energy.
But it is getting harder and harder, the more the cancer is progressing.
One day i wil say 'i am done'. The people who call 'giving up' weak, should get a punch in the face and don't deserve to be around me. Like my brother. He told me he would force chemo down my throat if needed, when i told him i am thinking about quitting treatment because it is costing me more than it gives me. A year of being miserable om chemo just for a few months extra? No thanks.
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u/Rachel21321 1d ago
It definitely makes not wanting to “fight” seem like a lesser, weak decision. So much of all of this is so hard and isolating <3
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u/feathernose 1d ago
It is. I am sorry you are experiencing this, too. I hope you will get out of this misery💜
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u/PATRIOT-OF-YESHUA99 1d ago
It is NOT WEAKNESS. It is accepting that chemo radiation can do more harm if any good..to live quality not quantity.
Your Brother loves you dearly..he just doesn't want to know that chemo is a bitch.
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u/PATRIOT-OF-YESHUA99 1d ago
🤗🤗🤗😇🥹...the world is brainwashed to think "chemo saves" My Sister got worse after that Chemo pill, radiation...My Mom nd me nd My Husband said NO to My Mom having chemo, radiation!.. Doctors of Mount Sinai and other Doctors NOT CHECKING THAT MY MOTHER HAD DIVERCULOSIS THAT TURNED DIVERCULITIS! IMAGINE CHEMO RADIATION WITH A HOLE IN YOUR INTESTINE!
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u/Comfortable-Gap8946 1d ago
I don’t hate fight. In fact I have “My fight was their fight” tattooed on my arms. There were days I had to fight just to get out of bed. Fighting through nausea and fatigue to get to the next appointment. One of my kids had to fight crippling anxiety around my diagnosis. My wife had to be superwoman, fight whatever doubts and anxiety she had to keep our house functioning and our 4 kids alive.
So yeah, fight doesn’t bother me.
Battle has larger implications that I don’t think make sense here. Brave? Strong? Amazing? No, just a guy who decided I’ll do whatever it takes to get (hopefully) another 40 or 50 years with my family.
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u/blue_square Stage 4 ALCL (Remission 7/2021, Re-Birthday 8/12/2021) 1d ago
This is the type of fighting we do. Not against cancer itself. I wish people who used the term meant it like this. That way, we don’t “lose” the fight but win every time. We don’t fight against cancer itself but we fight for the things that matter most to us.
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u/RedTheWolf 13h ago
Yes, I am fighting to stay here, with my loved ones, not in a battle against the cancer itself. I fight my symptoms and my fear and my exhaustion so I can make it to the next appointment or surgery and take the next step.
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u/Ok-Diamond1749 1d ago
I do low key it’s just such a dramatic word. All I did was go to the hospital get my treatments and then continued my life as best as I could.
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u/mesembryanthemum Stage 4 endometrial cancer 1d ago
Yep. I'm not fighting; I'm doing what I'm told to. The alternative is death.
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u/No-Camera-720 1d ago
Oh the best one: HERO. Heroes act for someone else's benefit, when they have the choice not to. If I could skip this mess, I would. And all I do is just for my benefit. Didn't ask for this and I'm just trying to keep from dying too quickly and too ugly while trying to have some sort of life in the meantime, while being poisoned daily. Super heroic.
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u/Kamelasa 1d ago
Yeah, I'm not heroic; I'm dying. Naturally people are in denial about that - a psychological defence they are not even aware of in most cases, I guess. They don't look that deeply into it because they are afraid.
I posted an article by a doctor recently saying when doctors get a terminal diagnosis, they don't typically fight it. They typically accept it and try to enjoy the last bit of life as much as they can. So... are they cowards and turncoats for not fighting? By the logic of the fighting hero they are. But all that is not logical. But, yeah, because this stuff is laid on me and I can't be honest, it's further alienating.
I was honest with my brother and he stopped talking to me. I didn't like his positive takes on my cancer that they weren't as bad as his heart issues because the docs are slow-walking it. No, it's very bad, I'm dying, and they are slow-walking it because they are constantly making mistakes and dropping the ball. I called him out and he went silent for 3 weeks now. I feel invisible. Still waiting on my much-delayed first onco appointment.
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u/No-Camera-720 1d ago
Saying stupid shit, hiding from the truth and oppressing cancer patients does not in any way equate to fighting. It is entirely possible to fight tooth and nail without doing any of these things. The majority of cancer patients and their support people do just that. They've already gotten you to equate toxic positivity with fighting for your life. Gaslit.
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u/Littlehotep 1d ago
Not to take away from what you’re feeling, but for me I have been looking at as fight. I’ve had to change my whole life because of cancer. So yes it can be annoying sometimes I personally do feel like I’m fighting against my cancer by changing my lifestyle, treatment, ect.
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u/doug123reddit 1d ago
And you’ve got it right there — it’s personal. Different people, different psychologies. The problem is outsiders who don’t listen very well.
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u/craftycandles 1d ago
It doesn't bother me, mainly cause if I COULD punch cancer in the face, I would. I got bigger problems than the language people use to avoid thinking too deeply about what I'm going through so it doesn't upset them 🙄😅
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u/Crazy-Garden6161 1d ago
Nope. It doesn’t bother me a bit. It’s their way of showing they care and they know it’s tough. They use the best words they know how to use, and they said something - even though they were probably afraid to say the wrong thing. I’m just glad they show up for me and I take everything with the intent that is behind their words and feel the love they are directing my way. And, I’m an unashamed freaking Warrior.
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u/DirectGiraffe8720 1d ago
It's not annoying at all from my perspective.
My first diagnosis of colon cancer in 1995 I was originally told I was too young for colon cancer ( I was 28) I wasn't taking no for an answer and thank goodness I didn't.
My second diagnosis I was told there was nothing that could be done for me, I was given 3-5 years to live and sent home to die. I had a 2 year old grandson and a 1 year old granddaughter l. I was scared I would never hear my granddaughter say my name. They are 10 & 9 now, plus I have a 4 year old grandson.
Why?
Because I fought.
I asked for a second surgical opinion, and while I was still told that the tumor was inoperable, at least this time I was referred to Medical oncology. I've had over 115 chemo & immunotherapy treatments. I was originally told that I couldn't have radiation because I had all I was allowed in 1995, but I fought, and as it turns out that was incorrect information, 8 years after my second diagnosis I started radiation this week.
Why?
Because I fought.
I just got back from a 5k walk after beginning radiation and chemo pills this week.
Why?
Because I fought.
And you have to be brave to fight. Too many people rely on one doctors take. They are afraid to fight.
You also have to be brave to take some of these treatments. I know some days I wanted to quit. But I kept with it.
I may still have cancer, but it doesn't have me.
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u/PopsiclesForChickens 1d ago
Interesting. I no longer have cancer, but it still has me. Ruined my body so much, I honestly don't know why I bothered. I definitely failed as an inspirational cancer patient.
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u/DirectGiraffe8720 1d ago
It doesn't have you. You're still here. And you're fighting.
The first time I was diagnosed it affected me physically and continues to do so. With this most recent diagnosis it's affected me physically even more. I've had to adapt.
One day you will too. But each person has their own pace ❤️
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u/PopsiclesForChickens 1d ago
I was never fighting. Pretty sure all of this will kill me before too long.
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u/Misterfrooby 1d ago
I don't necessarily mind it being said, just so long as it isn't directed at me lol. I'm a very private person, and I share that I had cancer with so few people just to avoid this kind of doting attention.
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u/No-Camera-720 1d ago
"fight, journey, adventure, warrior, etc". Stupid shit all and annoying. Weak people trying to escape reality and coerce others to adopt their sad coping mechanism.
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u/Rachel21321 1d ago
I try to assume people mean well and I think it’s better to have people in your corner but I hate feeling like this thing outside of my control really is such a part of who I am now
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u/No-Camera-720 1d ago
In my corner? My care team and my wife. WTF is anyone else going to do for me? Nothing. Thoughts and prayers nonsense exist for virtue signalling and to make the bestower feel good. That's it. I'm the one bleeding, throwing up, breaking bones, and eventually dying slowly.
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u/kdj00940 1d ago
People mean well
I think people often don’t know what to say. I think illness and sickness makes people uncomfortable. Certainly, some people really are docile, or could care less, and just say the thing that’s “polite” to say. But of the whole, I think people mean well, and want you to survive. I wouldn’t wish cancer on any person on the planet.
I hope you get through this and get better
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u/PopsiclesForChickens 1d ago
I don't know. Having cancer showed me very few people actually care about anyone other than themselves. And I'm a religious person.
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u/No-Camera-720 1d ago
I have multiple myeloma. Your hope is in vain, as are your words. It is incurable and given enough time, will kill me. I'm fine with that. Just making sure I do all I can to extend the part of my life that is still worth living, and don't leave a stone unturned. But at some point, I'm going to say fuck it.
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u/kdj00940 1d ago
Holy hell, I’m sorry. I hear you. Reasonable 100%
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u/No-Camera-720 1d ago
No need to apologize. I'm fine with my situation. It is what it is. No offense, but your post is a perfect example: Nice-sounding words that change nothing. Better to say nothing unless you know to whom you are speaking.
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u/Kamelasa 1d ago
Certainly, some people really are docile, or could care less, and just say the thing that’s “polite” to say.
That is most people. Few people actually care in the least. My experience.
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u/telisr_lindsk 1d ago
Can I ask you a question? What does genuine community support look like?
I just went through supporting my mom through a very short [not really sure what else to call it other than a fight] and I didn’t quite know how to tell people to support her, me or the rest of the family. Now, my friend is going through something similar. His parent is currently in a coma and I suddenly feel useless. Indo genuinely care and I plan to keep checking in with him regularly, and I don’t think I’m doing a terrible job, but it does feel like I’m just making it up as we go along.
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u/telisr_lindsk 1d ago
Jesus, that’s a bit harsh, I’m not sure I understand this sentiment and urge to insult the way other people process. We never called my mom a warrior but I’d say they fought her cancer with chemo. Even though it wasn’t much of a battle, (she died six days into chemo) they still seem like pretty fitting terms to me. She even said at one point in her 19-day battle, “just another adventure I guess” with a shrug, a sigh and a smile. Do you think she was weak for using these terms?
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u/No-Camera-720 1d ago
We are each free to manage this in whatever way works for us. My issue is with folks, patient or caretaker, who judge and pressure other cancer patients for not doing as they do and speaking as they speak. I doubt your mom would have sought to impose her choices on anyone else. Anyone who tries this bullshit on me will learn quickly what it's like to have conflict with someone who no longer has much to gain or lose.
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u/SurroundedByPlushies 1d ago
I'm less bothered by "fighting" than I am by "brave"
I'm kinda "fighting" it by getting treatment, but "brave" implies I find the treatment scary in some way.
So far the only sentiment that's resonated with me is "Fuck Cancer"
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u/TheJivvi 1d ago
I'd definitely say it felt weird when people said that, but I wouldn't say I resented it or was annoyed by it. They were expressing their support the best way they knew how, and I always appreciated it even wasn't quite how I would've said it.
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u/willie-and-trigger 1d ago
I’ve found that nobody really knows the right thing to say. It’s probably because there is no right thing.
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u/smartypants333 1d ago
I always tell people that my body isn't a battle field, and that I'm treating my cancer and my body to the best of my ability.
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u/Ok_Poetry_9619 1d ago
I'm with you. I've complained to my oncology team about it. Told them nobody who's ever been in a boxing ring would call it a fight.
They weren't expecting it from a 110 lb. woman, but I used to do martial arts. I told them it's a lot more like being in training than being in a fight. Fights are short and have an end. This just goes on and on and on.
Of course, it's like pulling the rug out from under them. They don't really know how to encourage you if they can't call you a fighter.
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u/-Suriel- 23h ago
Yeah not a fan of all the war/fight/battle lingo. I cringe when I see someone "lost" their battle. You're not a "loser" for dying from cancer.
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u/tonyliff 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m annoyed by all the cliches which don’t touch the actual experience. At the cancer center in which I do radiation oncology, there is this little framed list of what cancer can’t do. I want to burn it so it experiences its own radiation, just because of how patronizing it is:
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited . . . It cannot cripple Love It cannot shatter Hope It cannot corrode Faith It cannot destroy Peace It cannot kill Friendships It cannot suppress Memories It cannot silence Courage It cannot invade the Soul It cannot steal Eternal Life It cannot conquer the Spirit
Thanks, I guess. This just seems like cruel optimism to me. For some it helps, for me it's patronizing.
I showed one friend the picture I took of this and she, not a cancer patient, also hated it. I told her I could say the exact same thing about raisins. Raisins also cannot cripple love . . .
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u/upwardspiral1999 1d ago
Well its a fight bc your fighting the cancer cells ..with chemo..meds..I understand why your annoyed lol I didnt want sympathy lol...I been in remission for while now..since 2005..had Hodgkins lymphoma as a teen...
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u/mcmurrml 1d ago
Yeah it was never our battle in the first place. I can't stand when someone says this person lost the battle with whatever. That's like it was their choice and they didn't do what was necessary. It wasn't their battle to begin with.
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u/bjauny 1d ago
Yeah, even my mom tells me I'm brave. It's not like I have a choice. Well, yeah, I do have a choice: I could give up entirely, but I'm not considering myself brave for just standing up and being willing to live.
Everyone tries to manage this their way I guess, and I respect that. But I find it annoying sometime.
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u/Capable_Club_8055 1d ago
Yes it's annoying, I'm brave for doing the normal things that a person would do if they had cancer, what else am I gonna do? I'm brave for having a diagnosis that's out of my control. Brave for having a tumour? Well, in all honesty I did feel brave with the surgery. But yeah, being told you're a warrior for just existing is a bit annoying. Maybe I'll feel different when the chemo starts hitting harder.
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u/Bermuda_Breeze 1d ago
I say “thanks but I don’t really see it as a fight. In my mind it’s more like <…>.
I personally describe my experiences as a journey, but I know others don’t like that word. Which is ok, I don’t assume they share my words for their experience.
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u/femcsw2 1d ago
My husband (54) actually is fighting for his life right now and I'm so very proud. Diagnosed 2 months ago, still not sure of primary because the pain and hospital stays have made him unable to withstand a petscan. Suspected primary nscl but we do know he has numerous mets to bone and lymph nodes. Radiation put him the hospital the 1st time with encephalopathy. Took 50 hours for them to even calm him long enough for a brain scan. Brain scan was clear. He spent 6 days in the hospital and was back in after 4 days for failure to thrive. Platelet count was 18. The day after he was admitted pallative care basically told him he would never recover enough for treatment and said hospice was the way to go. He was in a very dark place for 24 hours. The next day the oncologist gave him 3 choices. In patient hospice, out patient hospice or give it time and see if he recovered. He said "I need a week" . All of his dr's rallied around and kept giving him hope. Slow but sure he is getting better every day and after 9 days his platelets went to 52 and he's home. Still weak and tired but his mental state is so much better. The amount of support he is receiving is phenomenal and he told me yesterday it's helping him fight! We won't know anything more till wednsday but what we do know is that no more treatments will be possible until platelets reach 100. So we wait.....
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u/Mysterious-Two2103 1d ago
The people telling you this might have thought of it before and could possibly have contemplated suicide as a less scary option as opposed to the unknown.
In this was, you are brave because you obviously chose to still be here.," rolled the dice, took the odds", stayed to" fight another day".
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u/NoEsophagus96 Patient, reoccurrence 21h ago
I didn't the first time. The first time I had a great outcome. Now it is. Not that I'm a crazy little fat 5'8" viking dude or anything cringe like that. What I am now is fighting for every year I get to have with my family. And it will be a fight. Hell, getting to thirty is a fight for me.
So I've been on both sides. But now it's now it's..very real.
So I look at it like less like it's me battling the disease. It's me just trying to get into a mentality for the trials and tribulations ahead as I know I'll be on the decline.
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u/flockynorky Stage 4 NMIBC mets to bone 20h ago
Totally on board with you--I am not fighting at all and find the characterization uncomfortable, I'm just getting on with being alive while I can. The problem I have with it is, if I'm not fighting, should I be? Am I not doing enough? What about those who really felt they fought hard, but lost, and here I am not fighting and yet, for now, still alive? Some kind of survivor's guilt, I guess. Cheers to all the fighters out there, though!
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u/CowPig84 16h ago
My sister used to say all the time that it really annoyed her when people would call her brave, even though she knew they meant well. She would say things to me after like, “I’m not brave, I’m terrified! You think I’d be pumping myself full of chemicals if I wasn’t more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t?” Things like that.
And I mean… I can’t argue with her when she puts it that way! Even though I, her big sister, still always thought she was the bravest person I’d ever known- or at the very least, the strongest.
And then you’re just doing what you need to do to survive, and people make a huge deal out of it sometimes, when all you wanna do is forget about it and feel “normal” and stop being continually reminded that you have cancer (like you could ever forget anyway, right?). Comments like those are just extra reminders.
So yeah, it totally makes sense that you feel like it’s just this shitty thing to get through, because that’s exactly what it is. And among shitty things, it ranks pretty high. After caring for two younger siblings with cancer over seven years and seeing everything they had to go through, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, so I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through it too.
I hope that the rest of your treatment goes as smoothly as possible though, and that you can feel more “normal” again soon. 🩵
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u/PalpitationLivid3766 13h ago
Some people feel better talking like that. Some of us find all that mushy stuff silly, or gross. All of that "together" shit they pawn for various things. I have no interest in being "together" with random people I don't know, stay away from me lol i'll be together with my friends and family. That's just a con to get you to do what they want. The same reason Subaru uses "love" in all their commercials- its just a ploy to get suckers to buy cars. They don't give a single shit about love or anything else lol. Cancer is abnormal cells that don't stop growing. Its a mistake our bodies make and it kills a lot of us, at which point we are dumped in a hole or incinerated and by ~50 years later no one will ever know or care that we lived. Soft language grosses me the fuck out, people's skin is about 1/10th as thick as it should be.
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u/4Bigdaddy73 1d ago
I chalk it up to folks not knowing the right words to say. Hell, I’ve been “battling “ cancer ( see what I did there?) for 3 yrs, I still don’t know what to say to others or what will irritate me on any given day. The fact that you have people rooting for you during your “fight”( oops I did it again🎶) is incredible.
That was posted in jest, obviously. But I get it. At first I didn’t even want to know what they were going to do for treatment. I figured I simply had to do what they planned out for my best chance of survival, so what do I care what the words were or what the plan was? They have a decade of higher education on the subject and I barely graduated high school. I was just a pawn in their effort to save me. There was nothing brave about me going along for the ride.
Best of everything to you!