r/cancer • u/tylerdurdin58 • 1d ago
Caregiver Hair loss
My wife is loosing hair during her chemo even with cold capping. She is absolutely traumatized and said she would rather die than loose her hair. She is blaming me loosing her hair by her temples because I put the tape to protect her scalp from frost bite, on the exposed scalp with thin hair and it all came out when she removed it. She is devastated beyond reason. I have no idea how to support her through this part? I love her more than anything in this world and I feel hopeless hearing her say she wants to die. I don't know what to do or how to support her, I am speechless other than I can say I'm sorry. This whole thing sux for everyone involved, it sux the worst for her. When I tell her she is still beautiful, my words mean nothing to her. How can I help when my words are empty to her even though I mean what I say? I try to make her laugh and that does not work. Nothing I do or say works. Sorry for the rant I just need to vent, I can't vent to my only friend, the love of my life , because she is fighting cancer.
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u/Original-Mention-357 32F, 4th stage gastric adenocarcinoma (stomach) 1d ago
She's still in the denial stage if she thinks losing her hair is worse than dying. You don't 'just die' if you stop chemo because you couldn't bear to lose your hair. There's a whole hellscape of metastasis - failure of basic functions like eating, digesting food, excretion and being able to move without pain, muscle wasting, etc etc. She may think that losing her hair is the worst thing that could happen, but she is wrong. Losing your hair sucks, I get it, its not vanity that causes grief over lost hair but she needs to understand how bad cancer can get to accept the trade off. And its a temporary trade off, her hair will grow back once shes well enough to stop chemo. Best thing to do is to shave off the hair entirely - watching it go little by little just adds to the stress - then get her a nice wig and remind her it will all grow back once she's well.
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u/tylerdurdin58 1d ago
I've tried explaining this to her....like I said in my post ,my words are empty to her.
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u/BlackSwanZA TNBC 1d ago
She really does need to speak to an oncology psychologist or counsellor because this is just the beginning of her treatment and my concern is that there is a whole lot more to come! Partners are generally ill equipped to console or reassure their wives as they themselves are also traumatised and may not have the information to help or reassure them.
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u/Original-Mention-357 32F, 4th stage gastric adenocarcinoma (stomach) 1d ago
Are there any support groups she can join? Might help her accept what is happening.
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u/mcmurrml 1d ago
That's logical thinking but there are people not in that place especially just finding out they have cancer. It doesn't happen that often but there are some people who refuse treatment because they don't want to lose their hair.
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u/PenExactly 1d ago
You’re so right. Those of us that have been through the Hell of cancer treatment get it.
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u/cancerkidette 1d ago
She may need to talk to an oncology psychologist. Genuinely a level of distress is very normal but when it’s this acute I think there is more at play. I echo she is in a denial stage and may be depressed/needing professional support.
For the vast majority of patients we can’t cold cap during our treatment or choose not to for a variety of reasons. Even with the cold cap there’s no guarantee it will work 100%.
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u/skelterjohn urothelial carcinoma 1d ago
If tape pulls hair out, it was coming out one way or another. This only happens when the follicle stops producing hair in the first place.
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u/Artful_flower 1d ago
She’s in the thick of it right now, it’s traumatic. Is she open to wigs? If not, there’s many head covering options that are pretty. But, it’s not the same as your own hair. I hid away because I couldn’t mentally handle it. It took a long time to process for me personally. Cancer is hard on a marriage. My favorite thing my husband did was just sit with me. Oftentimes he’d rub my hand until I fell asleep (active chemo is exhausting). I didn’t need him to talk, just sit with me. But also, treatment made my skin crawl and become so sensitive I couldn’t handle touch at one point. It was so hard on my husband, he didn’t know how to help. Just be there for her the best way you know how. Also, if she’s snippy with you or hurts your feelings, she doesn’t really mean it. She is so miserable, doesn’t feel good, hurts, mentally overwhelmed. It will get better. But it can get kinda dark before you see the light again. At least this was my experience. I was diagnosed de novo stage IV metastatic breast cancer at 39. I’m sitting in the chemo chair typing this, it’s my 110th infusion today.
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u/Mylegionares 1d ago
Theres nothing you could have done. The tape didn’t make her loose her hair. Chemo is a very strong and toxic medicine which is why so many percautions are made. Which is why you shouldn’t use the same bathroom as her while she undergoes treatment. I would invest in a very expensive wig. She’s grieving her hair and right now for her it’s “the worst” but there are a lot more things which are actually worse like dying a long painful death.
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u/ZombiePrestigious443 1d ago
When I lost all my hair, I took it as a sign that I could finally see what I looked like as a blonde. Or as a red head. Or with blue or purple hair. Or with giant anime buns. I have so many caps it's beyond ridiculous. Some are sparkly, some are turban style, and others are simple beanies. It was strangely liberating.
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u/Rinakiel 1d ago
I did the same thing. I never thought I'd look good as a blonde, but somehow I do. :)
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u/SaneFloridaNative 1d ago
It's an emotional time so please be patient. She doesn't have control over anything in her life right now and that includes emotions. I overreacted to many things during chemo. Hair loss is the most visible sign that she is sick. You can't solve this for her only keep holding her hand and telling her you love her.
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u/PenExactly 1d ago
This sounds a bit cold, but if that’s her biggest concern then she is a very lucky woman indeed. Chemo causes such a huge variety of side effects that concern over losing your hair should be at the bottom of the list. And it’s not permanent or life-threatening like losing body parts, neuropathy, heart failure or secondary cancers. I was as bald as a doorknob and it grew back in with time and patience. Honestly, it should be the least of her worries, I hope she comes to realize that so both of you can get some peace.
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u/CaptianSquish 1d ago
Minor thing- you used the phrase ‘still beautiful’. In general the women I know would not believe that, even if it is true because of the ‘still’. Try saying like ‘Hey gorgeous!’ randomly. Describe her as such in ways that don’t look for her to validate. If she makes effort, recognize it- ‘oh that new top looks great with your eyes!’ Or however you normally communicate. Complementing features or attributes other than her hair to de-center it.
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u/Illustrious_Spell676 1d ago
She needs psychological help and probably some psychiatric medication.
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u/feathernose 1d ago
She can get a wig..?
Hair loss sucks but it is not the end of the world. It's not fair to blame you.
Having cancer sucks but you don't have to accept being her emotional punching bag.
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u/tylerdurdin58 1d ago
I'm willing to be her punching bag because I understand that the hormones and everything that she's going through is extremely difficult and I love her and I'm willing to take a beating from her That's not the end of the world. This shit is rough on everybody and I forgive her anytime she does say or do something against me that might be perceived as me being the punching bag, I know she would forgive me if the tables were turned and the other way around. That's part of being a man it's being able to take it.
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u/feathernose 1d ago
I understand. Off course you are willing to do that, you love her dearly. I am happy to hear you are strong enough to take the punches.
My ex did the same, although i tried not to blame him, during my chemo i could be nasty and sometimes blaming him for giving me extra stress which did not help me. Not always fair . At some point he broke, was done and he left me out of the blue. After 11 years together.
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u/Awesome_Possum22 1d ago
Could you possibly invest in a quality wig for her? Wigs have come a long way in recent years and the quality ones look very natural. There’s a learning process with wigs, so if you go this route find a quality wig shop with someone that can teach her how to place the wig and care for it.
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u/SisterOfRistar NUT carcinoma - lung cancer. 1d ago edited 1d ago
I used a cold cap and still lost probably about 80% of my hair, but I'm still glad I used the cold cap each time as it's allowed me to keep enough hair to get away with wearing a cap or scarf to hide the bald scalp but have some hair still showing. So I am so happy I didn't go ahead and shave it all as many do.
It's not nice losing your hair, but out of all the symptoms of chemo at least it doesn't hurt physically and usually grows back. It sucks, but there are so many options now. I went to see a wig specialist and she ordered me a wig which matched my exact colour and curl etc, they look so realistic these days. You see people out and about every day wearing wigs and don't even realise. I also love my head scarf, there are such pretty designs.
I agree with others that she needs to speak to someone, saying she would rather die is very concerning and she needs to find ways to process and cope with these changes. I hope she doesn't keep blaming you and taking it out on you, it isn't fair and this isn't your fault at all. Sending my love.
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u/cronediddlyumptious 22h ago
I lost my hair after round 2 and had it buzzed. That lasted a day because then all the little buzz pieces were everywhere so I just had my son shave it completely. The good news is that it grew back curly and quite a lot thicker. This is just a small moment in time and it's great that you're there for her. She needs a support group, a therapist, maybe antidepressants, gummies helped me a lot as well
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u/Swoosh60 21h ago
I am a woman who’s not had cancer. My husband did in 2023 and went through 35 rad and 7 weekly chemos. He did not lose any hair with Cisplatin. I get it’s different for men. I wanted to let you know there’s a wig/hair salon in Georgia (I believe it’s called Georgia Hair Solutions). Women from all over the US fly in (a lot with breast cancer) and are losing or have lost their hair. This salon gives these women free human hair wigs (the owner suffers from alopecia so she understands hair loss). It makes me cry sometimes seeing the videos on FB but I told my husband if it were ever me, I’d get a wig like that. I don’t know if your wife is open to wearing a wig in this temporary “season” of treatment, but just a thought. BTW, we both went through therapy during his treatment and it helped immensely. He is now 2 years NED. Hugs to your wife.
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u/azizaofshapier 18h ago
I am a woman and I also did not lose any hair while on Cisplatin. Well actually, I did lose hair on about a 1/4 if the back of my head from radiation, but not from chemo. Hair loss from Cisplatin is not common. When I found out I had lung mets from my first post treatment scan, I switched to Carboplatin and my hair started falling out about 2 days after my first treatment. By the time I had my 2nd treatment 3 weeks later, all of my hair was gone. After 9-10 months straight of Carboplatin, I had to change treatments again. Now I'm on Keytruda and my hair is growing back pretty quickly.
I had never even heard of cold capping until about a week ago when one of my residents (I work at a retirement community and most of the residents and my co-workers all know what's going on with me) told me about their daughter cold capping to save their hair during treatment. I personally didn't care about the hair loss and never tried to cover my bald head, but I can understand how other people could have issues with it. Wigs are a wonderful option and can be very realistic. OP's wife should be able to find something that matches her natural texture and color.
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u/Final-Bend-7983 1d ago
When I went through this (31/stage 4 breast cancer) I felt like your wife did. My boyfriend was so supportive. He told me to rock the bald look with confidence. He walked everywhere with me, hand-in-hand. He never let me feel ugly. He even bought me two beautiful wigs, one blonde and one brunette, which I never ended up wearing and donated them. Maybe try getting her a wig? Or talk to her about the idea of wearing a wig.
I wish your wife wouldn’t blame you and instead be grateful to have such a loving and supportive spouse while going through this. There are so many people who go through this alone.
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u/JobKindly53 1d ago
I haven’t been through what your wife is going through, so I can’t fully relate, just other difficult situations. I know my husband always wants to fix things and make me feel better and to help me see things more positively. I’ve had to tell him what I really need is just for him to listen and understand the way I’m struggling…not “fix” me. Usually just being able to complain to him about the struggles and fully open up about the way I’m feeling and having him listen and understand the way I’m feeling, lifts a huge weight off my shoulders. She doesn’t want you to make her laugh. Just be there for her and quietly hold her hand.
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u/Holiday-Book6635 1d ago
I called cat during TCHP. I still have many bald patches. They did clean that it did help my hair go back faster which I don’t know if that’s true or not. My husband shaved my head for me at home. At the end of the day, it’s just Hair and I just accepted it.I think the biggest trick to getting through all of this is practicing acceptance and that’s very hard to do.
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u/Smooth-Mulberry4715 1d ago
Since others have suggested wigs, I’d thought you may not know how or where to start. Sometimes they can be scratchy, but this website link has some really cool options. I did a slouch hat with headband bangs and no one even knew I was doing chemo.
As for cold caps. They rarely work.
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u/DishwasherLint 23h ago
Cold capping does not work per everyone I know who is in oncologist or works with an oncologist. It is well marketed though and a lot of people bought into it. The hair grows back. And she will get to rock a cute, short hairstyle for a while
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u/Big-Ad4382 22h ago
I’m 63f. Lost my hair TWICE - once to chemo, once to stem cell transplant. It grows back. I didn’t wear wigs. I just rocked my bald head and held my chin up high. It’s starting to grow back now. I dk her cancer treatment regimen but I learned fast that cancer was the least of my troubles. Good luck.
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u/Kind-Association2057 20h ago
It seems like she is losing so much of herself and cannot bear to lose this one thing the most. She needs major therapy. She has to talk this out. I lost my hair beginning after treatment #2. I'm so tired and just want this to be over with that I don't have time to wallow too long. Just waiting to get my taste buds back. Last chemo today. Surgery and radiation next. She needs to get grounded and acknowledge all her feelings to make it from one day to the next.
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u/earnestpeabody 18h ago
I run a Wellness Centre that’s got a wig library ($50 deposit, no time limit) that I ran during Covid because we couldn’t have volunteers.
One thing I regularly saw was that people’s ideas about wigs changed once they actually saw them or tried them on.
Good current synthetic wigs have a lot of small variations in strand colour that make them look so much better than wigs of even 5-7 years ago.
I’d also talk to people about booking an end of the day appointment with their hairdresser to get remaining hair trimmed off and their wig trimmed to fit their face better.
It doesn’t fix all the distress around hair loss but it can help.
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u/DragonFlyMeToTheMoon 7h ago
I’m sorry. You’re both dealing with something very hard, just in different ways. I didn’t cold cap, but I don’t think it’s meant to save all of your hair. Just some of it. For that reason (and it’s costly), I didn’t want to do it. I actually thought my bald head wasn’t so bad. I had some cute little hats that I liked and thought it looked kind of cute for what it was. Most importantly, there were some really low energy days where I was so happy I didn’t have to deal with washing or styling hair. That seemed like such a chore.
There are some really good wigs out there. I didn’t use a wig, but lots of ladies on here have ones they can recommend. Since she’s very sensitive to the idea of hair loss, your wife might benefit from some good research on wig options. Insurance should cover some I believe if in the US.
Feel free to keep posting here for support. Being the caregiver is a hard job and even harder when you can’t fix the problem. I’ve been the caregiver and the patient. They both suck, but are better with support. We’re here for you both. For both of you - you CAN do hard things.
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u/bluntmasterkyle 15h ago
I highly recommend gro.md when her chemo is done with. It’s not midioxinil. Its worked wonders for a lot of ppl I’ve seen
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u/Wild_Personality8897 11h ago
My oncologist was very blunt that cold calling would likley not work. So I didn’t bother.
My hair is naturally red, it was waist length and it was my best feature according to…everyone.
Losing it was beyond traumatic, but I’m alive, it’s shoulder length now and I’m okay.
This is a visceral reaction to physically seeing cancer and everything it does. Shes traumatized and emotionally devastated. There isn’t anything you can do to help her.
But never say “it’s just hair.”
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u/ProfessionalBeach372 8h ago
She needs to just get over it. It’s hair. It grows back. I’ve lost mine twice. She being ridiculous get her a dam wig. She’s lucky to have her life. When she starts losing body parts she’ll stop worrying about hair
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u/Final-Bend-7983 1d ago
I wish hospitals were more up-front about cold caps. They don’t really work. You save like 15% of your hair but you still have bald spots. You’re better off just shaving it and letting it grow back instead of spending that money on that product.