A little around 3 months ago, I posted my brothers journey with stage 4 appendix cancer, up until he was put into hospice. It received over 1k upvotes, tons of comments and lots of love. I wanted to share an update with this community. Chris passed away peacefully, around 8am this morning, after falling asleep looking at my mom. 💔

Since he was put into hospice from a perforated colon, he beat that, and his intestines rerouted. He celebrated Easter with lots of Easter egg hunts. After Easter, he had a fistula from his colon grow and explode through the skin. He had a colostomy bag for a little around a month, that drained into a bigger bag. He then celebrated his 30th birthday with 3 big parties, all of his friends, his family. He then celebrated Mothers Day and gave my mom the day off. My final moments with him included playing Xbox games, binging Star Wars, and I bought him the new Taco Bell crispy chicken nuggets (little did I know it would be his last meal). He sobbed when I showed him them, and asked for a hug and told me he loved me (over chicken nuggets, he is the best). He survived this cancer and all of his complications longer than anyone expected, and that’s truly a testimony to his character. He was born with jaundice, had seizures at 10 weeks old, diagnosed with autism shortly after. Then diagnosed with testicular cancer at 27, which shortly we realized his appendix cancer metastasized and spread all over his body to his testicles. And he never one stopped fighting. Once he had his Taco Bell, he lost his ability to eat or drink (his fav things to do) and left this world peacefully.

If I had to describe the last 3 months, I’d just say I’d do it all over again in every life time. He’d call me every day to come downstairs from work and ask me for 5 marshmallows and that turned into calling me the lunch lady and the snack lady. We tried so many new foods, shows… he would scream wow at my breakfast tacos because they were so good. He confessed to my mom that when he would walk our late dog that he would only walk her like 1/4th of the way which we were dying laughing about lol.

Please enjoy my last few photos of him. This is not the end, as his story and spirit will live on forever 💔

I’ve never been so heartbroken in my entire life. The most important person in my life is dead. She’s actually gone and it’s too surreal to even remotely comprehend.

I don’t want reassurances, life lessons, comforting words, platitudes, or for anyone to try to change how I feel, I just want to share my pain as wholly as I can.

(Edit: I don’t want condolences either, or for you to apologize, please and thanks.)

Just one month ago my 75 year-old, tiny, ferocious mother was climbing two sets of stairs to her bedroom, tending to her massive garden everyday, taking long walks with their Rover daycare dogs, and hosting cocktail parties. Over the course of 6 weeks before this ordeal, three masses, one of which end up growing to more than 15 centimeters, grew in her belly and crushed her intestines. She would never digest solid food again. After the colostomy, they treated the malnutrition for several days before they deemed her healthy enough to start chemo.

The first and only round hit her like a truck. She was doing really well - she was recovering from the malnutrition, she had been walking around, doing her PT exercises, cracking jokes and telling stories. On day 6 of chemo everything changed - within 12 hours neutropenia led to pneumonia, which led to sepsis. Different paths were considered - all arduous and offered only short extensions of life. When mom opted to forego treatments and embrace comfort measures she reported a 9 or 10 out of 10 pain and discomfort. After only 2½ weeks we got the prognosis early. Even the doctors didn’t expect it to be measured in hours.

The doctors explained the risks of pain meds, but they didn’t tell us that if she took them she might quickly fall asleep and never wake up, which is exactly what happened. We thought we’d have a chance to say proper goodbyes, but we didn’t. They gave her the drugs, her blood pressure dropped even more and she fell into an unresponsive state, in which she lived for 36 more hours.

(Warning: morbid)

When she died we stayed with her for a few more hours. We sobbed, held her, touched her withered skin, and told her how much we love her and miss her. I draped myself over her chest and hugged her for what felt like an eternity. I wanted to climb into that bed with her and stay there for the rest of my life. When rigor mortis set in and the rest of my family left the room I stayed behind with the nurses to help with the post mortem processes. I said I wanted to do as much as I was allowed to. I helped remove the tapes and tubes, bathed my mom’s body, sobbed and wailed some more, hugged and kissed her a few more times, told her I’ll miss her, and apologized again. I then zipped up the bag, helped hoist her onto the gurney, and wheeled her down the hallway to the elevator where I said my final goodbye.

——

We used to be extremely close. But when life got hard and I moved across the country, we drifted apart. I spent the last five years working toward a better mental health and financial situation largely in order to see my parents more. She always felt sad, frustrated, lonely, and forgotten in part because she couldn't see me more, and every single day that I've lived away I felt palpable pain in my heart that I didn’t see them more often. I saw them only once or twice a year since I moved away, and now she's dead.

She was a fighter, a giver, a champion of others, a woman who sacrificed so much and suffered so much just to ensure that others thrived, and never quite got her due in life. I understood her pain more than anyone else. I wanted her to see how loved she was, not just hear it, but I failed to do that. I ignored phone calls, missed birthdays and mother’s days, we often didn’t speak for months at a time. I was depressed, and didn’t want her to see me in a bad way, which ended up just causing her more sadness. I wanted to show up for her so badly, but I didn’t. And now she’s dead.

I’ve spent a significant amount of time curled up on the floor wailing, sobbing, drooling and hyperventilating while clutching her favorite sweater. The pain is so overwhelming I often don’t know what to do with my body. I’m fucking heartbroken.

I am irrevocably changed, and will likely hold this pain for the rest of my life. But I take solace in knowing that in the end she did know that she was loved, knew that we knew she loved us, and after a life full of suffering for others her very last choice was for herself. She chose to end her suffering, finally prioritizing her needs over ours. She wanted the misery to end, and she got what she wanted. Before she made her choice I told her that I wanted her to be alive and she told me, “I’ll always be alive in your heart”

If there’s someone in your life you don’t hug or call enough, do it now. You don’t have as much time with them as you think.

In September 2024, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and my doctor told me I had about a year left. About eight months later, I still believe him.

I quit my job as an attorney, and left my life in a bigger city behind to move back in with my parents, as they lived closer to a better treatment center. I help around their house, walk the dog, mow the lawn (using a rider) and clean. I help at a legal clinic in town when I can, and I even got waived into the bar in my home state so I can make court appearances if I need to (although, I probably won’t make any more of those).

I was with my mom in the grocery store yesterday when it struck me that, other than the pain and the fatigue, everything felt vaguely normal. If you discounted my symptoms and my frequent trips to the treatment center, I had basically transported back to my life in high school (minus the worries about studies, college, or extracurriculars).

It made me sad, thinking about all the time I had back then, and then lost to the whirlwind of my education, and work. I while away my days doing simple domestic tasks, some very low pressure legal drafting, and spending time with my parents. I know I won’t be here very much longer, and treatment sucks, but I’m thankful I got to spend the time I have left feeling this way.

I need you to understand something. Not because I want sympathy. Because I need to stop being alone in this.

I am dying.

Not tomorrow. Not today. But this disease is trying to kill me, and I live with that fact every single minute. It’s not gone. It’s not cured. It’s just quiet right now, and that silence feels like a bomb ticking under my skin.

You see me walk. You hear me talk. You think, “He’s doing well.” But what you’re not seeing is the full weight of it.

You’re not with me at 3 a.m. when my body burns and my nerves feel like fire under my skin. You’re not there when I sit on the edge of my bed, exhausted before the day even starts. You don’t hear the internal monologue that calculates how many cycles I can take before something gives, my liver, my nerves, my will.

You don’t see the math I run in my head every time I feel a new pain. Is it the cancer coming back? Is it the drug? Is it permanent this time?

I am dying, even while I’m surviving. And that’s the part you don’t seem to understand. This is what dying looks like now. It’s drawn out. It’s quiet. It wears street clothes and smiles when it has to.

But inside? I am in hell. And I need you to stop assuming that my silence means strength. That my function means health. That my survival so far means I’ll be fine.

I am not fine. I am still in the middle of it.

So if you love me, don’t wait until I’m in a hospital bed to believe I’m dying. See it now. Carry it with me. And stop expecting me to pretend it’s not happening so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable.

Because I am tired. And I shouldn’t have to carry your comfort on top of my suffering.

I am josh, 46 and terminal.

Lost The Battle

I can’t find my Uncles Reddit name but he told me he would come here for love and support. Idk if he ever said his name but it was Joito, Today he lost the battle to cancer.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who showed him love and support and made him feel seen.

He passed today 12/14/24 at 10:50am. He spoke very highly of this Reddit. His parents are planning his burial for sometime next week. He was 54 at his time of passing. I made a go fund to help his parents as they are paying out of pocket but I won’t share that here. If you’d like to then please msg me but I mainly just wanted to say thank you and let you all know he is gone.

This is a beautiful community, thank you for being here.

I don’t remember the last time I felt okay. Not good. Not great. Just… okay. Baseline. Balanced. Whole.

At some point, I can’t even say when, that word stopped meaning anything. It became a story I used to know, like a childhood memory I can’t quite access anymore. A language I used to speak, but no longer understand.

Now, “okay” is a costume I wear. I put it on so people won’t worry. So they’ll believe I’m still me, stable, steady, strong. But underneath it, everything is burning.

Pain is my baseline. Fatigue is the background noise I stopped noticing. Fear is the wallpaper of my life, always there, even when I’m not looking at it.

I’ve learned to function inside the storm. To answer questions while my hands go numb. To make jokes while my skin itches and burns. To hold conversations with tears welling behind my eyes, from pain, cancer, treatments, guilt, anger, jealousy, and more pain, the unrelenting kind.

People think I’m brave. But bravery isn’t the right word. Bravery implies choice. This isn’t courage. It’s survival.

And survival doesn’t feel like strength. It feels like being trapped in a body that’s still moving because it doesn’t know how to stop.

I want to remember what it felt like to be okay. Not for nostalgia. Not for comfort. Just so I can recognize it, if it ever comes back.

Because right now, the scariest part of all of this isn’t the pain, or the risk, or the treatment, or even death

It’s that I’ve been not okay for so long that I’ve started to believe this is just who I am now.

And I don’t want to forget that once, I was more than this.

I am josh, 46 years old and terminal. Thanks for reading it

My beautiful 3 year old boy lost his battle with neuroblastoma in mid-August. We are busy planning his funeral celebration and it is surprising how joyful it has been to simply talk about his favourite music, share photos and memories. Every day is rough, but there are bright spots of joy.

To all of you still fighting, or fighting for one you love, our hearts go out to you. Fill your days with brightness if you can and keep loving each other xx

This is a long and deeply personal text. I feel the need to vent here, among strangers, because I simply don't have the courage to share what I'm going through with anyone close to me.

Summarizing my story: I have faced aggressive breast cancer. This is the third time it has returned and, this time, it has spread to other places and is much more aggressive than usual. I'm exhausted. I can't take any more treatments, with fading hopes, with the physical and emotional wear and tear, with the days full of uncertainty. I am fully aware that this is consuming me little by little, and, honestly, during all these years of illness, I have not felt that I was really living either. This is not life… not in any sense.

Is there anyone else here who has decided to stop fighting their illness, who has chosen to suspend treatments? I would like to read to you. My decision has several reasons: everything I already shared, but also the economic situation. In the country where I live, the most effective treatments are only obtained privately. I have spent everything I had: I sold my house, my car, everything of value, all my savings, just to have the hope of accessing an opportunity that, however, was denied to me time and time again. Now, when this illness returns, I have no strength or resources left, even if I wanted them with all my being.

I know I'm still young, but I no longer feel like I have anything to lose... or gain. I live this process in solitude; My family doesn't know, I haven't wanted to share it because I don't feel like they're interested in hearing it either. I feel alone, once again: the world against me.

I would like to read them to those who have made this decision, what motivated them, and what advice they can give me. Thank you for taking the time to read me.

Hi. I’m coming up on the end. Pretty quickly here (probably in next couple weeks) I am going to need to decide whether it happens at hospice or at home?

There’s a chance I need a hospital but basically I told my parents that if I need life-saving care and I’m toward the end anyway, I don’t want it.

I would like to die at home. My parents are my only close relatives and I know they would take good care of me. But I also don’t want them to do it alone. I’d like counselors and nurses who would be available at hospice to be there to help them as much as me.

So, for those of you who have had to do this for your loved ones, what did you do/wish you had done?

Hi all,

I think it's time for me to sign off from this sub. I'm in my final days now and have applied for assisted dying. Not long to go now, family over from the UK in the next few days and I'll soon pick my last day. I'm helping organise my funeral which is a bit surreal.

All the best to everyone, I hope your treatments all go well and you smash the f*ck out of this horrid disease!

I'm going to turn off reply notifications, though and won't be responding to PMs or chats - please don't take this personally, I just really don't have the spoons anymore.

Much love and aroha to everyone.

Hi

I’ve been following this group but haven’t posted much. I have terminal breast cancer with lung metastasis, amongst other things. My lungs are really affected at the moment, filling up with fluid. I can barely do anything cause I get breathless. My oxygen requirements have been increasing during the last week. I’m in hospital. I’m really scared of dying, the moment of being unable to breathe when the doctor can’t do anything about it.

Do you have some experiences or positive thoughts that may help? Normally I wouldn’t care about dying young, it’s just the suffering that terrifies me at the moment. I can’t even fall asleep.

Thank you

Just want to thank you all for the suggestions and accepting me into the fold. I wish you all well. Take care of yourselves.

F18 stage 4 ewing sarcoma, considered incurable

So i recently talked to my family doctor, and it was the first open conversation I've had about euthanasia/assisted suicide. I have brought it up before, but it was never more than a few sentences with my parents, and it was before I was considered incurable.

When I was told my cancer was back and it is definitely going to kill me I felt completely detached from all of it for a while. It was the first time I've seen my dad cry. I shed a few tears during the initial phonecall but nowhere near the mental breakdown I thought I would have.

When me and my parents later came in for a talk with my doctor I asked all the 'hard hitting' questions with the same neutral feeling. I always thought those scenes in movies where a character is having a conversation where everything sounds like it's underwater and they're only hearing but not really comprehending was just an exaggeration but that's exactly how it felt. Like there was some kind of fog between what I was hearing.

And now recently my family doctor came to my house to discuss what I want to do. She said my oncologist had told her I was 'very strong' during the initial conversation, so I'm sure it was pretty surprising for her when I absolutely burst into tears while talking. She didn't even bring up euthanasia, I did so myself, but it made everything feel so real suddenly.

She was very understanding about everything, and pretty much accepted aiding my in the process if that time were to arrive. It's nice to have someone to talk to about this, but it's also absolutely terrifying to talk about. I don't want to die hopped up on painkillers unable to move in the end, I have made that clear as soon as I started treatment. If I die, I want it to be on my own terms.

I obviously don't have any date set any time soon. I don't even have an estimated prognosis yet since the process of trying to potentially slow down the growth has only just started. But before my death sentence it was easier to talk about euthanasia and dying, since it wasn't a given yet. Now i don't know where to put all this. It's very weird.

My family doctor has referred me to a psychiatrist who specialises in cancer patients. I had one of those before, but we didn't really click. But who knows, might as well try I guess.

Hope everyone here is doing the best they can, much love

(I'd like to politely ask people not to comment about how according to their religion euthanasia/assisted suicide will make me burn in hell forever. I have absolutely no patience for that kind of thing. If you want me to respect your beliefs, please respect mine.)

As the title suggests this is only for people who enjoy dark humor about cancer and dying.

I have stage 4b ovarian cancer and it’s not responding to chemo. I wasn’t able to have surgery. And I’m terminal. The oncologist gives me about a year. We’ll see.

So yesterday while I was at chemo I heard someone ring the gong to celebrate that it was their last chemo. I asked the nurse if I get to ring the gong when I die. Hahaha. I amuse myself and thought I’d share.

As the heading says my 2 year old son was on round 12/14 of chemo for sarcoma. His prognosis was good. He was doing so well and came down with adenovirus while neutropenic . Went into liver failure and didn't make it . I am wrecked . I'm also blaming myself for any interaction he had with any other people for the week prior to getting sick. For example we had a play date with friends who weren't sick and it was in the backyard running around. I'm not sure what I'm looking for but maybe someone can relate - have you ever lost someone from an infection while on chemo ? Or a child ? I'm so overwhelmed with guilt and pain

After 1 year and 9 months tortious battle with cancer (SCC of unknown primary.) My beloved husband died at home with me. We battled this horrible experience alone. Friends and family just disappeared from our lives through this time. No one showed up to see if I needed help before he died and NO ONE SHOWED UP upon hearing of his death.

This is really what starting over looks like I guess.

29m. I'm currently in hospice care dying of lung cancer. The doctors told me in May that I likely had 1-4 months left. I Just got my backpay from my disability claim ( like 7k) and I'd like to go travel somewhere. I grew up in Philly and haven't really done much of that in my life. My pain & symptoms are mostly under control with my current meds and I am mobile. I also have a reliable vehicle that can take me wherever. I spent my whole life in a big city so I'd like to go somewhere more...naturey.. I guess? I'm thinking about going solo as well. Just wanna be with myself. Any suggestions on the east coast? Anything up to 10-12 hours away is fine with me. Just want to do/see something before I go out as I likely only have a few weeks to a few months at best left.

This morning at around 3:30am, I lost my lovely husband (31M) to stage 4 stomach cancer. I thought I would have more time with him. He was in the hospital but when I went to bed, his vitals were fine. He woke me up at around 3am to help him go to the bathroom and it went down hill from there. We met almost 7 years ago and celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary in April at the hospital. He was the light of my life and I loved him with all of my heart. I met him at the beginning of my PhD journey and he is what got me to the end of it.

I’m looking for advice on how to cope with the loss and how to move forward in life. Thank you all in advance.

A battle implies that it was a fair fight to begin with, that he ever had a chance. Glioblastoma doesn’t fight fair and takes no prisoners; the battle is lost the moment its name falls from the lips of your doctor.

Calling it a battle is for the living; for those distant friends and relatives who didn’t watch it burn through him like a wildfire. For the people who didn’t stop by enough to notice the bits and pieces of him that it stole away every single day.

It was never a fair fight, and he deserved better than the end he got.

——————————

Edit:

I work out my feelings in a small unremarkable notebook, always have. This morning I scrawled down a nagging thought and felt like it was trying to burst through my chest. I needed to say it to someone. I came here to a place where uncomfortable truths are welcomed with open arms hoping to find a few people who share my perspective.

I am shocked and humbled to see all the upvotes and comments of support and solidarity. I thought maybe I’d find a handful of kindreds, not 180. Thank you all for listening and responding so thoughtfully.

This may seem weird to say in a sub that is about fighting for life, but I want to share my comfortable feelings with everyone here.

I've lived a lot longer than my original glioblastoma diagnosis gave me. I've lived through the seizures, I've lived through the nausea, I've lived through the lethargic feelings.

This week I finally entered hospice. The tumor is growing and I sleep most of the time. It's hard to talk or eat properly anymore. This may sound like hell, but it's actually pretty peaceful. Nothing to do, no worries, no future life plans to be anxious about.

I just get to stay here comfortably. I don't have many people left in my life but my best friend comes to talk to me and hold my hand every single day.

When she isn't around, the nurses comes to give me company. I don't want to say that they give anymore attention to me as a patient than they give to anyone else, but I have sensed that as someone who is 27 that doesn't have family that visits (other than my mother once but she threw a tantrum and basically got kicked out on day one) they feel a want to give me the extra company and hold my hand until I fall asleep again.

I don't have too much pain, I am at peace. When the end comes it will just be like slipping into any other sleep.

I hope others can find comfort in their loved ones slipping into a restful sleep. I won't say that I hope my long sleep comes soon, but I don't fear it. It's almost time for me to sleep forever.

Was I handed the best card of fate in my life? No, but I dont regret what I've been through. My last days will be filled with love and kindness. I don't need to worry about anything anymore. It may be the pain meds talking, but I think this is a beautiful way to go. So many nice things have been donated to me, I am sorounded by plushies and love. Once I pass, I hope that it won't be too morbid for all these plushies to be donated to children's hospitals. If these stuffed animals can give me so much comfort at 27, hopefully one can give a sick kid just as much comfort at me.

I'd like to thank this sub, it is far and few between that my brain is functioning well enough for me to look at a screen and read the words that people write here, but so may of them have brought me comfort and hope for my loved ones.

To all those with cancer, fight like hell but find the happiness in letting go if the time comes. For all the loved ones of those with cancer, I hope you find peace and get to hold the hand of the one you love, you have no idea how much a hand to hold means.

Thank you and a probable goodbye ❤️

I find it very hard to share this with you all. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had the best big Brother anyone could ever ask for. My best friend for my entire life. He knew everything about me and I him. As most of you know he got cancer a little over 4 years ago, he beat it the first time but it came back, he tried chemo a second time and it almost killed him, I don't think he ever fully recovered from it. Despite the fact he was living with cancer he continued to work along side me almost everyday, if it wasn't for his wife, my sister and her Loving Family and her constant care of holistic medicine, juicing, making him eat right and being a constant loving companion I don't think he would have lasted as long as he did. He was the toughest guy I know. He didn't want me to "advertise his death" as he put it. But he was/is too important to me to say nothing. As I know many of you that Loved him and were in some ways touched by him. I'm not going to sugar coat this. He asked that I didn't share all the details but I need to set the record straight. Last Thursday he was at the lake working on a cabin, something he Loved to do, he all of a sudden felt as if he might die so he drove home praying the entire drive home, he got home woke up the next morning blind in one eye, his body was and has been covered in tumors from head to toe, in his words he said "he could feel himself dying" he gathered us together Friday at Moms house and told us of his pain and his plan, his kids protested, actually called the police trying to stop him from what he wanted to do. We were all able to hug each other, cry hard...still crying as I write this. We all were able to tell each other how much we Loved each other and right all wrongs through years of brotherly fights and Love. He chose to live and die by his choices. He didn't want anyone to know how exactly he died but I do want to set the record straight. Instead of forcing his family to watch him suffer any longer and watch him continue to deteriorate he chose to gather everyone, tell them he loved them, let all of us do the same. Brad built a beautiful farm with Heidi, he has a wonderful family and grand kids that absolutely adore papa. He cried with me for hours telling how much he didn't want to die but he didn't want to live in the condition he was slipping into. I said are you sure and he said "no I'm scared" and I said "I'm scared I don't want to lose my best friend and big brother." We pleaded with him that we would take care of him sick but that's not what he wanted. He didn't want to go out like that. As we hung up the phone I said call me back if you need to and he said he probably would. So yesterday morning I got a call about 4:00am I thought he was calling me to talk...but it was Heidi telling me she found him. I am telling the truth because some that didn't know what shape he was in said he was selfish and he was not. He wanted to spare those he Loved the pain of watching him slowly die. How many people get the chance to gather their Loved ones and tell them how much they are Loved and will be missed. So sometime during the night or yesterday morning he walked down to the foot of the cross he had built for their wedding, kneeled down and took his own life. Some may say it was selfish but you have to understand the whole situation. To me, his life long best friend and brother, I think it was the bravest thing he ever did. I don't know that I could have done the same. Please pray for my Mom, who most of you might not know lost, our step Dad about a month ago, so my prayer warriors please pray for her and his wife my sis Heidi her family and her kids and grand kids that will so very much miss their Bpa. I was going to stay quiet about this but my grief is beyond me so please pray for me as well my friends. I have no doubt he is in Heaven our Faith had grown so much over the years. He was excited to be able to see Our Dad, brother, all of his dogs he missed so much...I hope he was greeted with open arms from so many who had gone before him. He didn't want a funeral but we are going to have a celebration of life for him in downtown probably next Thursday. I will post the address and details as soon as we know exactly. Thank you for listening thank you all for the great memories you shared with him and I. I Love you all and am thankful for each and every one of you. If you would like to share any photos of him or memories of him here please do. I Love you Brother. I miss you. I can't stop crying. A part of me died yesterday as well.

I want to be with him at all times they said he has couple days left but my faith in god is big. I’m so sad I get to see my husband in pain and unable to respond in his last days. I’m literally watching him die. Idk how I can deal and cope with all this. But Ik I’m strong and god is on our side. But I can’t handle seeing him just lying there waiting to die.

Edit: my husband passed away 6/23/25 3:41am. Please make prayers for him 🙏🏼 thank you all.

Cancers back already didnt even finish my last round of post radation chemo. Thats definitely not a good sign. Bassed on prognosis i dont think ill see the end of the year...thats all just needed to tell somone cause i have to wait to tell my family and friends a little longer. But needed to say it

I was diagnosed with an incurable stage 4 ultra-rare cancer in 2023. I joined a support group and met a fellow warrior with my type of cancer that was also diagnosed around the same time. She lived in my area, was my age and we were both moms. While we never met in real life, we texted each other often and leaned one another for support. I considered her as a friend.

Months ago, I texted her to see how she was doing but she never responded. I tried again a few weeks later to no avail. I found out recently that she passed away on June 13th.

This came as a big shock to me. While we both had the same cancer, we went to different hospitals and went through different treatments. Because we have an ultra-rare cancer, there's no standard treatment protocol. While we shared what each other was going through, we both felt comfortable with the providers and the treatment we've decided on.

After I've learned of her passing, I experienced a mixed of emotions. First, I was extremely angry at her providers. Then, I felt really guilty for being alive. Most of all, as a mom, I felt really sad for the children she left behind.

I think this is what survivor's guilt feels like? I'm not sure. My husband and family tried to sympathize but I don't think they really understand what I'm feeling. The cancer support group helps but the bond I've developed with her was a bit different than I had with others.

I guess I just needed a place to get this off my chest. I always feel better once I typed everything out here on Reddit. If you've read it this far, thank you.

I believed I posted here a little under a year ago. Well wanted to give an update that my mom passed away last Wednesday. She fought hard but the cancer just came back so aggressive and it was all over the stomach. Part of me is relieved that she’s not here but ofc there’s good and bad days. She was so sick these past couple months she was in the ICU and had so many health issues.