Dude. You don’t need a relationship with your cheating wife, but if you’ve spent years in a parental role with a kid, you’ve probably bonded with that kid and that kid has bonded with you. Do you have to pay child support? No. But you shouldn’t be okay with suddenly and totally dipping out of the kid’s life, either.
Morally and emotionally? Sure. Legally and financially? Absolutely fucking not, and that's the issue. In most states you'd still be liable for child support despite it not actually being your child and being lied to, which further incentivizes the deception.
Issue is if it's a vindictive mother she won't let you see the kid. Happened to a buddy of mine; after the divorce she went into victim mode and blamed him for her cheating in the first place.. and no, he never saw the kid again. Dude was a great father and being separated from the kid was far worse for him than the divorce.
Question, can't one get custody of the kid based on the fact that they haves raised them as their own? If I found out that the kid isn't mine, well I'm making him mine.
Probably varies by state but it didn't work out for him.
Edit to add: the divorce was messy, as most are. She was trying to take as much as possible, he was trying to keep as much as possible. He was still seeing the kid between the time the divorce was signed but before it was finalized in court. she was given full custody in the end.
Yeah that’s fucked and I’ll argue against that every day. (If I really loved the kid I’d probably make sure they had decent clothes and plenty of food, of course, but I wouldn’t want the mom to get a dime.)
Justice is supposed to be blind, the law shouldn't be about morality, it's about equality and fairness. Even if it were about morality, how would forcing the person who is not the child's father to pay for the mother's lies, which is actively punishing him despite doing nothing wrong, moral? How is not only rewarding the mother, but incentivizing her to lie, moral?
The reality is that it is easier to punish the man who was lied to than it is to seek actual justice, so that's what the courts do. If the law actually cared about morality or justice, it would find the actual father and start going after him for child support and force that responsibility on him, not the victim of the mother's lies. If the courts were so concerned about the child they wouldn't award mothers custody 80% of the time, if the courts cared about the child it wouldn't financially alienate the person who acted as their father, if the courts cared about the child they would find their real father so they can have a relationship with them, and if the courts cared about the child they wouldn't send the person who was acting as it's father to prison for failing to pay for the mother's lies.
I 100% agree that you shouldn't legally be responsible, but then again, the law shouldn't matter because you'd already be doing what you have to to keep that kid secure and fed. Legally though, the woman should be forced to keep you integral to the kids life.
The law absolutely matters. If she's awarded majority custody (which is the result 80+% of all custody cases) then you are paying for a child that isn't yours and barely get to see. At gun point might I add, because if you don't pay you go to prison. You were tricked and used for your resources, then the state forces you to continue paying for someone else's lie.
The right thing to do is find the child's actual father so he can step up and be a part of it's life. Not hold someone who is a victim at gun point because the mother is a piece of shit and the courts are too lazy to seek actual justice. What if the person who isn't that child's father wants to start a new family, with a child that's actually his, with a woman who is honest and loves him? Is it right to hold him hostage from doing so by draining his resources and forcing responsibility on him that shouldn't be his? Is it right to be forced to spend 18 years paying for someone else's lies and have to confront the fact you were cheated on, hurt and violated over and over again? Is it right that the mother is rewarded for her actions and the actual father gets off scott free never having to contribute to the life he created?
Don't sit here and try to argue about what's right while championing the rewarding of immorality and punishing honesty. How about we stop incentivizing and rewarding women for betraying their partners and hold men accountable for the life they created, instead of punishing an innocent person who has had their life turned upside down and experienced one of the biggest form of betrayal imaginable. None of that requires you to leave that child's life, it just means you get to choose of your own free will and are free to live your life as you see fit since you've done no wrong. That's what would be right and maybe doing so would decrease this from happening so frequently.
I'm not talking about the legal side of things. My whole point is if you bond with and ostensibly love an innocent child and that child is old enough to really know and bond with you and develop a conscious love for you, then you are of no account if you can just walk away. Of course that person should have no obligations under the law. And up to a certain age or amount of time it probably doesn't matter all that much. But if you are heartless enough to just abandon someone you love over someone else's shitty behavior, then you don't amour to much as a human being.
This is how I see it too. I'd be pissed off if it happened, but I couldn't just abandon a child that thinks of me as a father. I don't like dating women with kids anymore. Nott because I don't want the responsibility, but because I don't want to be stuck in a situation again where I'm only sticking around because I don't want the kid to be upset.
I raised my step kid from 1 years old, had a 6 year relationship with his mom until she cheated on me. I completely cut everything off. I was never under the impression he was my bio child, so maybe it's different, but I didn't want any part of that in my life anymore. Doing much better now that it's all over. I have no moral obligation to continue any sort of relationship with either person.
He went to his grandmas during our breakup, and is still there to this day (BM did some dumb stuff and was homeless for 2 years until a week ago). He has come to my place of work a couple times to see me but I make it brief, his grandma should know better but it is what it is. I haven't seen him in almost a year at this point. I feel bad for him, I do. His dad is a pos drunk and his mom is trying to get her life back on track, but I'm not his parent anymore.
Tbf they would probably barely remember him by the time they're an adult if they were that young. I had a friend and his mom dated this one guy from when he was Like 4 to 9 and and he says he doesn't remember that much about him.
Exactly!!! Like damn, I understand leaving the wife and hating her, but just abandoning a child you've cared for and loved for years(plus, keep in mind that the child is completely innocent and has done nothing wrong) because he doesn't have your "blood" is insane and borderline sociopathic.
Keep in mind I'm a guy and I support men's rights, but it's just cruel to do that to a child, especially if y'all have a strong relationship and have been with each other for years.
You're telling me that after NINE years of raising him, that's all that comes to mind when you see the child. No other memory, any love felt between you two just vanishes and suddenly all they become is a reminder that your wife cheated. Nine years of being family and you can just abandon them.
Cool, whatever it's your life I guess, I just think that's a horrible way to go through life though.
BUT, I don't think the unwitting fake father should be LEGALLY held responsible for that child.
It should 100% be his choice to continue supporting someone else's child.
At least then he'd not just being forced by the government, and being set up by a knowing cheater, to work his life away for the product of a lie.
If a father finds out a Mother cheated, And lied to him, tricking him into raising another man's child, he should be the one to decide if he should help raise the kid he had previously bonded with. He shouldn't be forced to.
I don't get why people keep bringing up legality when that was never even in question.
Though the post in question was likely a troll post in the first place given OPs replies in the comments like not even remembering how long it was since he kicked them out, or that he only cared about her cause they were releated.
Edit: Oh and the multiple times the OP calls the child "it". Even if the post was real OP is a terrible person.
A father isn't supposed to bond with his kids, that's the mother's job. You're there to provide material support for your progeny, nothing more, nothing less. If you find out a kid isn't yours, you have absolutely no reason to see the little shit anymore.
It's not a troll. Look at every animal that is even remotely related to humans. The males only spend a fraction of the time with their kids compared to females. That's because it's not their job to be with the kids. They're there to protect their territory and provide food, but any actual bonding is the mother's job. There is little to no evolutionary reason to expect human fathers to bond with their kids.
A father isn't supposed to bond with his kids, that's the mother's job. You're there to provide material support for your progeny, nothing more, nothing less.
This is among the worst takes I've seen on Reddit. Expected, but still terrible
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u/Throwaway101485 Jan 09 '24
Dude. You don’t need a relationship with your cheating wife, but if you’ve spent years in a parental role with a kid, you’ve probably bonded with that kid and that kid has bonded with you. Do you have to pay child support? No. But you shouldn’t be okay with suddenly and totally dipping out of the kid’s life, either.