r/dataisbeautiful • u/WhySoTedious • 2d ago
OC [OC] My [41M] on/off ~2.5-year dating journey with people I met on OLD apps
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u/Unconformist85 2d ago
29 started, 29 ended. Nothing is created nothing is lost.
Antoine Lavoisier
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u/elemntz 2d ago
I think online dating is just fundamentally broken now. You haven't included the amount of swipes you made in order to get your matches, and this for me always shows how much of a statistical anomaly it is to find that person.
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u/WhySoTedious 2d ago
I agree with you, difficulty in getting matches is no different for me. However I must clarify, this graph shows only the matches I met in real life, I did not include the ones that ended before physically meeting. I am also quite picky, but still, the game is obviously broken.
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u/Jephta 3h ago
Okay, that's what I didn't understand about this graph. So you didn't get on Bumble, swipe right 18 times, all 18 were a match, then all 18 lead to you meeting in person, right? I keep wondering where the drop-off is. I want to see drop off amounts and how many lead to sex (which is my minimum criteria for success).
Still 29 women met in 30 months is pretty good IMO
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u/literroy 1d ago
How many swipes does it take to get a date in real life, though?
What people are identifying in this thread, I think, is that dating sucks. Dating apps are just the current venue through which most of us experience dating.
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u/mavven2882 1d ago
Online dating has provide people with convenience, albeit, extremely sketchy convenience. It has also trained people to believe it is the only avenue for actually finding a partner in modern society. The game is rigged and we all suffer the consequences now. There's nothing like meeting people IRL, whether at a pub, an event, etc. Can we please normalize that again and get off these f**king soul sucking apps?
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u/elemntz 1d ago
It has to be substantially less, otherwise no one would do it. I have to literally swipe on hundreds if not thousands of women to secure a single date and I'm not an ugly guy by any means. If I was to approach thousands of women in real life and they all said no I'd just give up entirely.
It's a different ball game in real life and I don't think the two can be compared, online dating is mostly if not all based on appearance. In real life there are other aspects at play, such as the way you conduct yourself with others, how you talk, body language etc.
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u/mavven2882 1d ago
Almost everyone I know who has tried dating apps, the motivations appear to always be the same things.
90% of the women seem to do it for fun and claim it's just an ego boost. Most of the women I know won't even consider actually meeting up with someone unless they're basically a 10/10. They hop on, get their confidence boost, and deactivate their account until they need their next fix.
Most of the men I know were just looking for hookups and swiped right on EVERYONE, just to maximize their choices. They were also much, much less picky than the women. We're dogs...it is what it is, I guess.
Then the few who are actually looking for relationships almost never find each other because of the shenanigans of everyone else. We're all jaded, and then it just becomes a stupid gamified experience rather than actually meeting genuine people.
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u/elemntz 1d ago
That's the perfect description of the scenario right now, it's so frustrating that the people who are genuinely looking for something are endlessly searching due to the behaviours listed above.
It's interesting you mentioned the gamified experience because that's essentially what it's become. It's of no surprise that the former CEO of Match Group, until a few months ago, previously held presidency roles at both Zynga (mobile games platform) & Electronic Arts. The dopamine hit from receiving likes & matches is no different to opening loot boxes.
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u/hoorah9011 1d ago
You’re getting a biased sample with redditors. Personally for me, I’d say I was getting a match for every 4-5 swipes I did. But I also have a good profession and put a lot of work in taking good photos and having a good bio
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u/ioncloud9 2d ago
If you are one of the statistically lucky ones: good looking, good profile you will get most of the matches.
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u/elemntz 2d ago
Oh I know how it all works now, I've allowed myself to endure an amazing 6 months of being rejected by 97% of the female population. My 3% like to match ratio is considered above average, now that's a really sad state of affairs for the average men.
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u/ioncloud9 2d ago
Don't feel bad. When I was in the dating game, I looked at it like farming for dates. Lots of repetitive work in the field for maybe some payoff later. Also I wouldn't be surprised if many of the dating profiles are fake or instagram or OF hooks.
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u/CmdrMcLane 2d ago
Sigh...pretty much matches my experience as someone who is relatively new to the apps 3 years after a 12 year marriage.
It takes so much time to match, to then set up dates and 99% of first dates don't lead anywhere. Been on Bumble and Hinge for six months or so and am sooo over it.
How did you last 2.5 years OP?!
Also, nice graphic!
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u/WhySoTedious 2d ago
My experiences exactly. It is a time and mind consuming activity to be fair, and the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that there is always a possibility (although I have to admit, diminishing day by day) that someone I immediately click with will come along. Those two relationships had that quality.
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u/Several-Age1984 1d ago
Wanting it to "click immediately" is also part of the issue. I almost broke up with my spouse after a few dates but stuck around. Our relationship really started to blossom into something special after a couple months.
You can't know everything about somebody immediately. It takes time to get to know them. You also don't have time to date everybody for months. But don't expect love at first sight. Anybody that checks your basic boxes, give them some time to see if it develops into something more.
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u/starthorn 1d ago
Agree completely here. First two dates with my significant other were very mediocre. Just good enough to give it another shot. Third date we went for a walk after lunch that ended up following a route that went much longer than we expected, and a planned half hour walk turned into three hours. It was also the point where something clicked for us, and we realized that there might be real potential. Still took another month or two to grow into something real, but we've been together for 7 years now and see no signs of stopping. Contrast that to the best first date I had where it seemed like we clicked immediately. . . and it fizzled out within a few weeks.
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u/herotonero 1d ago
met my wife at social sports. the structured approach meant we formed a relationship over weeks before actually going on the first date. highly recommend (or some other structured social community outing thing)
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u/StepUpYourPuppyGame 1d ago edited 1d ago
Could you explain further what you mean by this? Are you saying like join a pickleball league?
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u/kintsugionmymind 1d ago
That, or something with larger teams like co-ed kickball/softball/volleyball.
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u/suspectrace 1d ago
Pickleball is a great choice! It is a sport, but less active than say volleyball or softball.
Kickball was suggested too. I did volleyball in a beginner's rec league on a free agent team thinking "Oh this will be fun and everyone was going to be chill!"
They were not chill and I did not go back after that one season.
No one is going pro at pickleball or kickball. So it is not that serious bro. Meaning, it keeps it light and fun. Thus the guard is down to just talk to women. Same with them.
It takes a few season (so nearly a year) of consistent behavior and then people start to like you (some won't but that's life) and you grow out your connections, and from there, you might find someone you want to date.
Dating apps suck, and if you are average as a guy (which statistically you likely are), best bet is both dating apps and activities.
Unfortunately, women aren't all horny for us average dudes so you have to put in the effort to gain their attraction. Dating apps is a game men can't win, so don't play it.
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u/AtheneOrchidSavviest 1d ago
Ugh. Honestly, THIS is depressing. I have to play a sport to meet people? And I have to compete against people who like sports, who are by nature competitive, to catch someone's eye?
This is an unpopular opinion but I do legitimately believe that dating apps ARE our best shot. More than 50% of couples meet through online sources and less than 20% meet through any other singular method, like bars and through friends / family / work. And at least I can talk more individually on an app, without competing with others in public for a woman's attention, not to mention doing it without any assurances that she's even looking for a bf, or the fact that I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons and pursuing women based on their looks without knowing jack shit about them. I like knowing at least a bit of jack shit first.
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u/Measure76 1d ago
I don't think sport is your only option. Any activity that brings people together. Find a hobby that has meet ups that draw both genders, and you'll meet people and be able to show them you're a decent person, in low pressure situations.
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u/herotonero 1d ago
yes. for me it was beach volleyball. can imagine board games/other non-sports things would also work, granted women go to it.
bonus points if it's something you're competent at.
IMO it's extremely unnatural to go on a date with a complete stranger.
So much of attraction/first impressions are formed on how others react to you, not just the 1v1 interaction.
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u/BluebirdCheap4594 1d ago
Lol dude... The time for that has passed a long time ago. You're 41 and clearly an unserious and undesirable person because nobody stayed with you in the long-term. You've made tons of bitter posts ridiculing women on dating apps for having the most basic boundaries/standards just because you can't meet them. Literally WHO would want to be with you?
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u/EternalDas 1d ago
That was mean.
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u/Grube_Tuesdays 1d ago
After a quick glance into what they were saying, it's accurate though. Geez OP, not the best look.
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u/DivePalau 2d ago
Dated for 10 years after divorce until finding the one. A couple 1 year relationships and a few shorter ones interspersed in there.
It comes down to putting in the work, knowing what you’re looking for, realistic standards, and lots of luck.
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u/bananafoster22 1d ago
Sorry to hear about your marriage. I recently exited from a 10 year relationship and she finally got all of her stuff out of the unit so I could move, this felt like the last pang of loss. Hope you get some relief soon. But I will likely be in your same unpleasant cohort on apps.
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u/CmdrMcLane 1d ago
Thank you kind stranger. Same to you, sorry to hear your 10 year relationship ended.
luckily I'm doing great, took a lot of work but I am much happier and balanced person now and actually quite enjoy spending time by myself. So the frustration of online dating is only a mild annoyance but doesn't really affect my general happiness.
would be nice to find some companionship but if not then that is fine as well. And I will just spend all my time with my golden retriever! 🤣
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u/soundtrackband 2d ago
Apps are a waste of time. I remember chat rooms. They were imperfect also, but far superior. You could meet people the same day, and you have to meet just to get started. The ONLY advantage of online dating vs real life meeting is that the people are (supposed to be) single. Real life meeting you run into people that are already involved. Thus, online dating makes sense, BUT
NOT the way they set it up now. It's all profit motive for companies to slow down or even stop actual meetings. America is a horrible country that turns everything into a dollar. Period, end of story.
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u/literroy 1d ago
The ONLY advantage of online dating vs real life meeting is that the people are
The vast increase in the number of people you can meet online versus real life isn’t an advantage??
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u/Eipa 2d ago
There is an error. You had a date with your relationships as well, didn't you?
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u/WhySoTedious 2d ago
I thought this would somehow come up and the answer is no, the first times we met physically were not for dates, we were already kind of in a long-distance relationship in a relatively short amount of time (both of them). OLD extremely rarely works like magic.
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u/Pie_Napple 2d ago
Would be fun to see this broken up, per app. From this, I can't see, for example, what apps the dates, casual relationships or log-distance relationships came from. Circular/pie sankey diagram? 😅
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u/Revolution-SixFour 1d ago
I hate these charts for this exact reason.
Sankey works well for things when there is a clear dividing line between incoming and outgoing. For example, revenue and expenses. It doesn't matter what dollar coming in is matched with those going out.
It's often used more in the sense of a timeline, but it removes all the actual connections between points. Most of these you could drop all the steps between the first and the last and not lose any real information.
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u/Vogonfestival 1d ago
Yes I’m completely missing the chronology and causality of results. I think people see Sankey and upvote regardless of whether it makes any sense. I’ve stared at this chart far too long.
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u/WhySoTedious 2d ago
The graph would get unnecessarily complicated if I did that, but thanks for the interest :)
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u/Pie_Napple 2d ago
Yeah. I get it. With this typ of graph, information "disappears" completely once it is merged. Would be cool to see a graph type where that information is maintained.
I just like graphs. :)
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u/DarkMode54 2d ago
Holy shit that is sad.
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u/Pie_Napple 2d ago
Why is that sad? This typ of diagram has "information" flowing from left to right, but once the data is "merged", we no longer know the source.
For something like accounting, it works great. We don't care "which dollar" is used for utilities or savings. Here, that information matters.
With this chart, we know that the two long-distance relationships came from remote matches, but we don't know if 1+ dates came from "matched locally" or "matched remotely".
Not that it really matters or I'm curious. I just like diagrams and graphs. :)
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u/PiratesSayARRR 1d ago
This is just awful data presentation with inconsistent colors and no reason to even split your first three apps - as they flow through to nothing later
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u/jabbadatoddla 1d ago
If scams and hookers were on this chart it would be like one of those real-size comparisons between the Sun and Earth. I also wonder what country/region this was and what the swipe criteria was. I'm at I think eleventy billion swipes and 2 dates in 15 years, both were mentally ill.
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u/boot2skull 1d ago
Does this chart mean from those apps you met 29 people, or does it mean you contacted 29 people and met them all? Because meeting everyone you communicated with would be a success story on its own, but I think the meaning is these 29 people you met and these are the apps you met them through. Am I correct?
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u/WhySoTedious 1d ago
Yes, I met 29 people I matched with (out of all other matches/unmatches through time) in real life via these apps.
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u/swizznastic 1d ago
Data can only show one side of the multidimensional tetrahedron of life. How were the 8 noncasual relationships OP? Did you like them? Did you grow?
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u/ahditeacha 1d ago
Summary, you had 2 long-distance gfs but they found out you were ridin dirty and both dumped you. Flew too close to the sun!
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u/headies1 1d ago
This is… sad. Maybe the real insight from this data is that online dating apps are an awful way to meet people.
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u/mailwasnotforwarded 2d ago
Is this normal? To be 41 and have 29 relationships? I don't even have half that and I am younger than him.
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u/DuckyHornet 2d ago
That's 29 matches, not relationships. Just going on a date or two does not a relationship make
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u/doodo477 2d ago
Sounds about right, how-ever I'm near that age group and I think I've had more than 20 but they were all people I met without the apps.
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u/Cjav-latam 2d ago
My own spin on the author’s chart about his experiences dating