r/depression Oct 29 '19

Our most-broken and least-understood rules is "helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort", so we've made a new wiki to explain it

2.4k Upvotes

We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.

We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.

Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.


Summary

Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.

"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.

  • By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.

  • People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.

  • If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)

  • In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.

  • We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.

  • If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.


r/depression Apr 14 '25

Regular check-in post, with essential information about our rules and resources

51 Upvotes

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.


Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.

We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.

YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:

  • People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact

  • "I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.

  • Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here.

  • Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).

  • Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The "what is depression" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.


r/depression 2h ago

30's are kinda shit huh?

28 Upvotes

Just going through the days thinking it's all the same shit day after day after day and running into a wall every now and then where I just feel like doing absolutely nothing. Like it would be better to just sink into a blanket and disappear for awhile. But of course in your 30's life is full of responsibilities and shit that doesn't just stop because you "don't feel good" so it all compounds 😮‍💨🫩🫩

I'm tired man...


r/depression 11h ago

I’m truly sorry..

144 Upvotes

Does anyone know a quick death, I can’t take this shit anymore, I’m not happy, I feel like i’m drowning, My mind keeps thinking of the worst things possible, I just want all of it to stop, I’ve been thinking of taking my life for a long time, I tried and failed to take my life last week, instead I got rushed to the hospital, I don’t want to keep drowning, the more I go on the more I drink, I just feel worthless and have no objective/goal in this world, I feel like after I leave, It’ll be better that way, I don’t have a purpose… I’ve been depressed since 8th-9th grade till now… I can’t get out of my head.. I haven’t slept a full 8 hours in months… I’m just sick of it, sick of living.. Sick of being me…

Thank you for reading…


r/depression 7h ago

I wanna kill myself

47 Upvotes

I (30M) have always thought about it since I was 14–16. I am currently trying to work as a paramedic, but I have been jobless for most of my life. I have no girlfriend, and my only relationship lasted 8 days, 4 years ago.

I just can’t take it anymore. I feel so worthless, so miserable, so unlovable. I can’t find any joy in the games I play or the movies/shows I watch.

Every day is a pain. I walk around my apartment for hours with nothing to do. I am so lonely, desperate for love or a simple hug.

I wanna end it


r/depression 2h ago

I feel like I should never have been born

17 Upvotes

I’m so tired of my situation. I’m unemployed and it’s almost impossible to find a job. I feel like no one needs me. What’s the point of being alive, then? I’m 27, I feel really old and seeing people my age being successful and happy just breaks me. All I do is play video games in my pijamas all day and I feel so dirty. I love doing skincare but I feel so ugly and sweaty and oily all the time. It’s disgusting. I want to end my life but even at that I’m a failure because I don’t know how.


r/depression 17h ago

Mens mental health does not matter...

138 Upvotes

Cold hard fact. I've been around long enough to know that a depressed man gets mocked, belittled and treated as though his problems don't matter.


r/depression 7h ago

Therapist canceled on maybe the worst week of my life.

11 Upvotes

Kinda hard to say, cause ive had a pretty shit life. But it has been a pretty rough week, and the only thing keeping me going was just making it to my session today. I'll admit that I honestly dont think my therapist is very good, but it was still a chance to vent and have some form of human interaction. Now thats gone. Maybe its a sign.


r/depression 17h ago

I'm slowly becoming an asshole.

64 Upvotes

Not sure if I'm already too far gone but I'm becoming more of an asshole every day. Why? Because everyone else is. What's the point of being nice if everyone sees it as a weakness? What's the point of being kind if it only leads to you getting taken advantage of? What's the point of being friendly if no one wants to be friends? I don't even feel good about being nice for the sake of it. This world only rewards the selfish, the greedy, the egotistical and treats nice people like chumps.


r/depression 53m ago

Lost my youth and regret everything

Upvotes

Im 23 and lately been realizing how much I messed up my life. When I turned 18, which was exactly when covid hit, I completely isolated myself from everyone and everything and only focused on studying and playing games. Now 5 years later and I regret everything as I have no friends. I wasted all my time on these stupid games that gave me nothing in return but simple escape. I literally cant remember anything from these past years as I’ve had no memorable experiences in that time. Doesnt help that my life before that was shit as well being overweight and being bullied all the time. I dont have any self confidence and have never known what to do.

Now I’ve graduated with a masters in software engineering but I just can stand it anymore and hate this field. Its all just AI now and I feel I wasted 5 years studying for nothing. I dont know what to do anymore and it just feels so aimless. If only I made a few different choices but now its just completely over for me. I have very bad social anxiety and no hobbies anymore. I literally go to work, which I hate, and when I go home just lay in bed all the time. I dont even care for the money anymore because I dont enjoy anything anymore. I dont know anymore


r/depression 1h ago

Meaningless.

Upvotes

Cheap Whiskey and sleeping pills make up my life but still left me with pain and frustration.


r/depression 6h ago

Never felt so alone

8 Upvotes

38.. no true friends...fiance left me.. having job issues.... whats the point anymore? I dont even know.. everyday feels like a struggle to want to continue


r/depression 8h ago

I wish I would die

12 Upvotes

Why am I living in a world I dont want to be apart of anymore? Everything good that comes to me i push away i self sabotage everything I lost the only person who cared 3 years ago due to pushing her away I often think of death as an escape but I dont want to hurt family members The doctors just fill you up with meds

Everytime I go to sleep I pray I never wake up

I wish there was a safe and secure place for people like me to go and die in peace without hurting the family that care


r/depression 1h ago

Can someone help me

Upvotes

I don't even know where to start. This is the worst i've felt in months. I'm proud to say that i haven't sh in a long time now. Even though i still have my urges and yesterday was very close to doing it again. My school life has been absolute dogshit so far. I have a massive anxiety issue, idk if i have a generalized anxiety disorder and i'm not one to self diagnose. Anyways all i can say is that every little thing makes me get anxious. I get stomach cramps, nausea, etc. Its gotten really bad again this school year (which has only been going on for less than 2 weeks now) my issue is that this school year i'm basically confronted with all my worst fears and i feel like i cannot avoid them. I'm terrified of swimming and this year in pe we are going swimmihg. I'm terrified of flying. This year my class is flying to Dublin. I hate my biology class and dont like presenting. I have to give a biology presentation soon.

Overall i just feel extremely unhappy. I hate myself and the way i look. I just want to be normal. I really want to switch schools because since 10th grade i just feel like this is way too much pressure for me and i want to go to an easier school. But how do i explain that to my mom who spent like 300euros on school books alone??

I'm really scared and everyday i just ask myself how can i avoid my life entirely. I want something really bad to happen to me to have an excuse. Can someone please just talk to me ig idk. I feel like i'm a burden to everyone i try to open up to so yeah. It can really be anything i just dont want to feel so alone anymore. I just woule like anyone to tell me anything at this point


r/depression 2h ago

Cancer

Upvotes

Hello I am considering dying I have a rare cancer that very few doctors can treat I’ve had 2 surgery’s this past year 10 cycles of chemo I feel like my care team doesn’t care if I live or die I have to fight with them about my appointments being made I get scans they don’t tell me the results but supposedly I am at one of the best cancer centers in the world I have no where else to really go I am tired I’m depressed and I don’t wanna fight with them anymore but there aren’t any doctors anywhere near me that treat this and I still need another surgery and radiation I want to live but I’m tired of fighting with people and having no communication


r/depression 2h ago

Need something warm

Upvotes

I'm alone for three years now I have nobody no friends no family it's been a while I touched a human skin I want a soft hug soothing warm cuddle I'm now burnt up have you guys feel the feeling of warm fresh meat it's gives me hope idk I keep forgetting my basic words and had difficult while interacting with people


r/depression 11h ago

Having autism has ruined my life. All I have is loneliness and emptiness.

17 Upvotes

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately on how lonely I am there is nothing else I can do anymore and I think I’m really going to die alone, I'm in the same position a year now I am 21 now, and I have no friends at all my family members are distant from me, I’m alone, while most people my age have already had or have a gf/bf while I’ve never even had a gf. Tried making online friends but they eventually go and not last. I try focusing on my hobbies or finding more to drown out this loneliness, but it just doesn’t work. I don't even know what I want from life, and what i do want I can’t get because of this brain of mine. I don’t know what I'm even aiming for. I’m definitely not like everyone else no matter what I do to try to be. All I do is just basic stuff im struggling with such as work and school, then I go home. I Literally have 0 life and nothing going on. I’m a lonely depressed loser and I can’t stand it just existing till I eventually die, honestly at this point suicide is becoming the better option for me.


r/depression 2h ago

I’m so tired I could sleep 24/7

3 Upvotes

I’m so fucking tired I feel ill. I don’t know if it’s the antidepressants I take which is causing such low energy or if I have some sort of deficiency but it’s never been this bad before. I just feel so weak all the time. I stay in bed some days because I simply don’t have the energy or motivation to get up and do anything. It’s awful. I feel so sluggish and sick.

There’s not much point to this post I guess I’m just wondering if this is common with depression and if anyone else feels the same way.


r/depression 5h ago

Want to ask

5 Upvotes

Hey guys I'm 22 year old. I don't use social media but I just downloaded reddit just because I have no friends but I send messages to many people but no one reply.is anyone like to become my friend. because I want advice. I saw that there people are hopeless even they have money great lifestyle. Why. Welcome for your great answers. Thanks


r/depression 4h ago

it’s hard to open up

3 Upvotes

it’s hard trying to open up to people, even as I (32 M, possibly bi) try to cope with who I am individually and how I value life. I’ve always been that awkward, anti-social person leaning against the wall, separating myself from others, for fear of acceptance and belonging. I’m at a crossroads in my life where it’s hard to trust people….and wonder if they’ll trust me in return.


r/depression 8h ago

im committing suicide

8 Upvotes

life is so exhausting and it just never stops moving .


r/depression 1h ago

Past bullies/haters already destroyed me

Upvotes

It’s just so hard not feeling already deflated from past bullying. I’ve had bullies and mean girls literally hurl laughing at me just existing. No joke. I guess my appearance was too funny to them, and they got away making me feel like if I even tried making anything of myself, I’m a joke and I’ll amount to nothing.

Of course there are people who have supported, but these haters and mean people still destroy me with this negativity, and try to destroy me right at the start. How do I even get over people who have hurled laughing at me?


r/depression 1d ago

I haven't built a life for myself yet and I'm 25

168 Upvotes

I know 25 is young, but when you turn that age you're expected to have it all together, or at least know what you want to do, and get on that path. I feel like I have yet to get on the path, and though I know what I want to do, I don't know how to get to it and make money doing it. My mother is a very life-inspiring person to others, and it doesn't work for me, and she knows it and it's just hard because why am I so difficult? At 25, I just need to hear that I can still create a life for myself. That it's not too late for me to be someone and to add value to the world and perhaps even make money for myself.


r/depression 1h ago

Depression after sa

Upvotes

I've been struggling with depression for years since I was first sa'd age 13. Then r***d almost every day for 3 years. I can never live a life where this didn't happen to me. I've tried counselling, medication and self help. I've just had a lovely day with my fiancé yet we've come home and I'm having a panic attack as I've just had a flashback. (I didn't tell him how I'm feeling right now) I'm 26 now and it's just not getting better...how do you live a happy life after this! I feel like it's who I am...


r/depression 2h ago

I don't know how I feel anymore. . . Just venting

2 Upvotes

(26F) I struggled with depression and anxiety all through my teenage years. I've had so many ups and downs to the extreme,I've had counselling and various different medications but they all seemed to bring out various traits in me that I couldn't get past. People seem to think I'm doing well,I don't know anymore. I spend my days swinging backwards and forwards between feeling okay and utter despair. People see me laughing and joking but inside all I can think about his how pointless life is because we all just die anyway. I will never know a life without depression. Why am I working so hard to get better when I know that within a few months things go downhill again? I'm tired of fighting things people can't see


r/depression 18h ago

I feel bad that I’m jealous of the people that have depression but have people that provide for them.

42 Upvotes

I know this sounds really bad so I apologize in advance, but I sometimes get bitter and jealous of the people that still live with their parents and have depression because as bad as it is at least they don’t have the extra stress of feeding themselves and paying rent etc. I mean I’ve been depressed for about 5 years and after my dad died last year and I got kicked out of my moms all at the age of 23 I’ve had the stress of providing for myself and keeping my job burden me so much and I very rarely have the option to take a mental health day due to needing to work. Like the stress and anxieties of just providing myself is so overwhelming and I feel like I hardly have time to care for myself or do what I’d like to do. Sorry for ranting or being unfair I hustled needed to vent.