r/depression • u/Destidius • 1d ago
I wanna kill myself
I (30M) have always thought about it since I was 14–16. I am currently trying to work as a paramedic, but I have been jobless for most of my life. I have no girlfriend, and my only relationship lasted 8 days, 4 years ago.
I just can’t take it anymore. I feel so worthless, so miserable, so unlovable. I can’t find any joy in the games I play or the movies/shows I watch.
Every day is a pain. I walk around my apartment for hours with nothing to do. I am so lonely, desperate for love or a simple hug.
I wanna end it
8
u/Astormfront 1d ago
I feel you, nothing brings me any joy, not even games I used to love, I just force myself to watch/play something just so that the time passes. Music occasionally helps, I used to love it and listen all the time, now it mostly irritates me. I think about ending it all, but can't seem to do it. Maybe we just gotta suffer through our own personal hells.
3
u/RemitheRatata 1d ago
I feel the same way. I went on a self care journey last year, I quit my job, travelled, met new people, worked out daily, found new hobbies, and quit bad habits. It was awesome at the time but since I moved back home, it somehow feels worse because I did everything I wanted to. It’s like I finished my bucket list, there is nothing more I could want from life and the daily routine is pain. I was so scared when the suicidal thoughts came back but it’s also like meeting an old friend that never left. I just try to live day to day rn, making myself do stuff so I won’t have time to think…
3
u/Juandale_pringIe 1d ago
What would you have told yourself at 16 like any advice, cause I'm depressed and 16 rn.
6
u/Destidius 1d ago
To be honest, most of my happiest memories were in my twenties, so I’d advise myself (and you) to give myself some time, you never know
5
u/Careful-Trifle-289 1d ago
Воспринимай это как изменённое состояние ума и борись. Дверь, которая ведёт к нормальному самочувствию, где-то рядом, но тебе нужно потратить немало сил, чтобы найти ее. Ты- единственный человек, который может тебе помочь. Объединяйся с ним для борьбы.
2
2
2
2
2
2
2
u/23andfemale 1d ago
hey i feel you, i'd say don't give up, but im also near your age 31. and life feels like absolute hell. so i dont really have advice for you.
1
1
u/NefariousnessOdd1735 1d ago
So first give it 6 months right a log and put down a % of how u feel Then change - for 6 months do everything u never thought u could or would do What’s 6 more months of trying after years? It will be hard but if there is a chance it will be better it will be worth it
Also a paramedic will find you - I have found somone I can tell you everything I see and smell. And think about it - don’t do that to someone
Therapy will help there is a hell of a lot of different kinds
1
u/BeneficialIssue9400 21h ago
i’ve never understood people who claim they have “nothing to do”, i hate that you feel this way but my guy you’re never gonna get out of this hole unless YOU do something about it, you say you walk around your apartment with “nothing to do for hours” and you evidently spend your free time watching shows or playing games. start going to the gym or something dude give yourself a purpose give yourself something to work for, start doing odd jobs to make money if you really cannot get a real job, continue to look for work while doing odd jobs. you say you’ve never been in a relationship but why would someone want to get with a person who spends their life dwelling on the couch all day? CHANGE THAT. i’m telling you brother if YOU make YOURSELF into a hell of a man then you’ll get your wishes in return. get out there and work hard for yourself.
1
u/TsundereWaifuu 12h ago
I rlly don’t think getting a job as a paramedic would be good for your mental health rn. But I feel what you mean about not finding any joy on games and movies I find myself turning it on and just staring at the screen dissociating the whole time. I wouldn’t give up tho get a cat too they r pretty cool nd comforting:))
1
u/Basic-Candle-3903 1d ago
Please before taking your life think about your parents, your life is precious Try learning something new, follow your dreams Do things which make you feel happy
Someone is definitely waiting for you, your soulmate You'll definitely meet someone who will love you unconditionally Try giving a life another chance Restart your life You should definitely join a gym it will keep you physically as well as mentally well You should travel often you'll feel the joy for sure Try making new friends, spend your money on yourself and your parents make your parents Happy And remember Everything will be fine
You're not alone, you're not a loser You have to win this battle buddy Lots of love❤️
16
u/Away_Visual_5269 1d ago
Me too. I am trying to keep myself busy. Still want to kill myself, but it will hurt.