r/disability • u/derangedmacaque • 1d ago
Rant Update to family trip- my mother apologized after nightmare (for me) family trip for inviting me because I am disabled (cane, weakness left side etc) and need help…and helping me …ruined their vacation 😭
Yup, I’m the Aunt in this text and my mother apologized for inviting me, and putting everyone in a ‘situation’ where I needed help and they didn’t want to do it, and she says she’s learned from the experience 😳
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u/CrossRoute 1d ago
There is something incredibly beautiful about helping one another survive in this often chaotic world, and I cannot understand people who are like this. There is true cruelty out there, but this does not reflect anything on you. I'm happy you're here, and you never need to apologize for your existence. I can't describe into words the anger I feel hearing these types of situations. You are not wrong. They are - along with a few others words I won't write out but am cursing in my head. 💛
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u/derangedmacaque 1d ago
Thank you, I have to be honest given how depressed I am about my new diagnosis with this lymphedema lipedema situation on top of everything else I have going on which is not under control because I just learned about it and it’s complicated to manage it.
I was just already in the state of like grief about that because it’s so impossible. So I went on the trip like in a very vulnerable state of mind. So I’ve been feeling pretty worthless and hopeless about things already and I’m just to have this happen.
I guess the one good thing about it is I know for sure that I just don’t have any family who are decent human beings. Unfortunately, growing up in this kind of family like you’ll have to learn that over and over and over again.
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u/CrossRoute 22h ago
I hope you can surround yourself with people who treat you well and make you feel loved and cared for. Family can be found too. There are lots of people struggling with these situation, and I really want all of us to find our people. It awful to deal with in the present moment, but sometimes it’s incredible how much can change in a short time. Don’t stop believing in yourself.
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u/Disastrous_Mood_4475 1d ago
This whole text message situation is lame. Why is it that your mom is acting like oh because I invited my daughter I’m so sorry for bringing her and having you to actually care about her. I’m so sorry. Like that is BS like she’s your mom and your mom is supposed to love and care about you whether you have a disability or not And when you have a disability, your mom is supposed to care about you more than she already does because in this manner, she’s trying to make sure that you are OK and you are able to function during the vacation being disabled should not prohibit you from going on a nice vacation And the way that your family is treating you because you have a cane. It’s really messed up and the fact that your mother is saying she learned from this experience is telling that basically even if you tell her you don’t wanna go she’s not gonna bother even asking you to go in order for her and the rest of the family to have a nice vacationwhich that really bothers me.
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u/MamaDee1959 21h ago
Yeah, that was awful. I would never have anything to say to her ever again. OP, I am wishing you well, and you WILL be able to manage your newest condition, and we are all pulling for you!! 😊
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u/semperquietus 1d ago
That is … not very kind of her? Might she have "learned" something, err … wrong from said err … experience!
Sorry to you for such an experience!
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 1d ago
This almost feels worse than the original account you posted. I’m so sorry
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u/derangedmacaque 23h ago
Thank you. Yes this made me feel even worse too
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 22h ago
That was not my intention. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by them. Being disabled is not a choice
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u/derangedmacaque 22h ago
Hi, I am so sorry that it was possible to read this like I thought you were making me feel worse and that is absolutely not what I was saying, thank you for your reply! You are not doing anything to make me feel worse
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 22h ago
Noted!!! Hugs!! Sometimes big emotions can make us misread things, especially tone in text. Again this really sucks for you
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u/UGA_99 23h ago
She’s not apologizing for this comment???? I hope the rest of your family is up in arms in the replies saying how glad they were you came.
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u/derangedmacaque 22h ago
Nope, they haven’t said that. My sister said thank you for the apology
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u/Musicachic 21h ago
To look at this from another perspective that "maybe" your mother would understand, what if someone famous had come on the trip? Like her favorite actor/actress or singer.
She would have everyone cater to the famous person hand over foot. I'll just make a name for storytelling purposes.
"Oh Taylor what do you need? Taylor which restaurant do you want? Taylor is the food ok? Taylor can't go to the bathroom in a beach bathroom! Taylor she gets the nice bed, I'll sleep on the floor! Don't wake Taylor up! Does Taylor have enough towels? What does she like for breakfast? Ok let's order it from Italy."
Ok it may seem over the top but people literally do this. And then when it comes to differently abled people who may need an ounce of assistance, let alone family, they don't lift a finger. I will never understand it. People will treat someone they don't even know better for being "famous".
I know a guy who has a wife who birthed him two little girls. And she is the one post c-section carrying two babies, baby bag, and her purse trying to get the keys to go into the house, while he stands there. But same thing, if his favorite celebrity showed up it would be the red carpet for them.
Hold your head up OP. ❤️
Show the young ones of your family that you love them and that your disabilities don't change that. They will hopefully be comfortable around you, regardless of the old guard.
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u/DirtyPie 23h ago
Just FYI, you managed to cover 0 names, so if that’s important to you, I would recommend that you re-upload (if you can?)
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u/WitchAggressive9028 21h ago
I don’t think it’s important. They cover names because we don’t know who these people are anyway doesn’t matter. Now, if it’s full names, yeah cover it but just first names no one cares.
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u/catbattree 21h ago
What always gets me about situations like this is just how ignorant they've got to be of the reality that any one of them they could easily become extremely disabled tomorrow and by perpetuating behavior like this they're pretty well insuring that their support system isn't going to step up for them the way they aren't stepping up.
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u/burninatorrrr 22h ago
I’m torn between ‘mum is 85 and it’s age related ableism’ and ‘screw you Shirley’ lol (if that is mum’s name) x
You deserved better. And do deserve better.
Those people are not your people xox I’m sorry that happened.
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u/bitchzilla_buzzkilla 15h ago
Add me to the family group chat. I’ll tear them a new one
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u/derangedmacaque 13h ago
Omg thank you this made me smile, finally home from flight❤️🌻
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u/bitchzilla_buzzkilla 12h ago
I’m glad I could make you smile! You deserve so much better than these terrible bullies giving you crap. None of this reflects on you - it’s all reflects their inability to be decent human beings. Pathetic that they’re so put out by the idea of showing basic consideration to a family member.
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u/NightBawk 13h ago
Your family sucks. I'm sorry you had to put up with their awful attitudes, and hope you have other support at home.
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u/derangedmacaque 12h ago
Thank you! I have limited social support at home, but I don’t live near these people. Thank God. I haven’t heard a dog in five years because my last senior pup (basset hound) died from several cancers at 13 years old a month before my accident causing my disability. I feel like it would really help me to have a dog because I just love animals so much. Working on the logistics to make that and option.
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u/Spirited_Concept4972 7h ago
I think a dog would be a wonderful companion for you, or even a cat? You should never feel like a burden on those that truly love you….. I’m sending a big hug 🤗 I’m sorry you were dealing with such irrational people with no understanding or compassion!!
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u/LavenderSharpie 22h ago
I SEE YOU and you are not a burden and you are worth the supports and accommodations to be a part of vacations and gatherings! I'm sorry the family members are jerks!
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u/KayBleu 16h ago
Man OP I’m sorry you experienced this. As someone who has similar struggles to you it really hurts my heart that you were treated this way. It’s really upsetting to see how there was little to no regard for how you would feel seeing this message.
I really wish I could offer you some help so that you did not have to surround yourself with people who do not respect you as a disabled person. I hope you don’t internalize this mean behavior.
sending hugs and love your way
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u/UnconcernedCat 11h ago
So wait.....did she not apologize to you individually first? She just sent this in a group chat?
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u/faelshea 16h ago edited 16h ago
Oh my goodness I am so terribly sorry, my heart goes out to you!!
I relate in that I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user and disabled from cancer treatments and several complex genetic conditions, I also have lipedema and major stability issues, and I care for my mother (who is severely disabled with late stage Alzheimer’s). I moved across the country to help my dad keep her at home (she’s unable to move her limbs or speak at all so we do literally everything for Mom), and after a week of being with her every day and doing every little thing for her as well as a ton of entertaining, I would do it all over again exactly the same way. I share this to drive home that caring for the disabled is NOT a burden, it’s what we do as family for those we love. I try to make sure my mother is included in every little way possible, just as I make sure to be good and loud about my rights for accessibility in the community.
Disability is the one minority class literally anyone can join at any point in their life, and yet so many people seem clueless of this fact and treat us like garbage and as a burden. It’s so ignorant and disgraceful.
This treatment of you by your own mother is disgusting and abhorrent, it breaks my heart, she is supposed to be your protector and support you! I can’t believe she wrote such a message to your family and has the audacity to apologize on your behalf and blame you for whatever minor inconveniences ensued. Her message was entirely cruel, so incredible ableist and beyond ignorant.
Can I ask, is your mother a narcissist? I’m sorry to assume, obviously I know nothing about her, but based on her treatment of you in this text to your family I can extrapolate.
I’m sure growing up in such a household where you shouldered the blame and were the scapegoat was beyond triggering, and I hope you have a kind and gentle trauma therapist and close friends to decompress with. I’m so sorry you had to be traumatized like this, and that your other “family” didn’t stick up for you.
A healthy and loving family is meant to care for you and does literally everything out of love for you to make your time together easier, and if this doesn’t occur then they aren’t family.
I highly recommend reading the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” if you haven’t already. “The Toxic Parent” is another good book!
Please be so clear that she will be paying for her own nursing facility and that you will not be contributing a dime or a visit, because she clearly does not deserve your involvement whatsoever. Frankly I’d cut ties with the lot of them for your mental health and confidence, no contact is entirely valid when you have “family” like this.
Please promise us you will never travel again with any these hateful, ignorant, ableist individuals for your sanity and self respect. You deserve to recover at a nice disability friendly cruise (which btw totally exist, I’m looking at a wheelchair one!) coordinated for you via vacation planner that specifically plans trips for disabled folks, where people treat you as a human being and not as a burden! You are NOT a burden, and this is not your fault! Big hugs!!!!
Also just a reminder for you that there is no shame in using whatever mobility aids we feel that we need to live the life of our choosing, and we deserve 1000000% to be included and to enjoy life out and about, not shut away as unmentionables (as these ableist asshats would prefer).
Perhaps looking into an affordable and electric portable wheelchair (like the air hawk or fold&go) might help you regain confidence in your abilities and feel comfortable being independent, so that you are able to enjoy trips more easily, I know it has for me!!!
Big hugs to you!!!
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u/derangedmacaque 15h ago
Hi, hundred times thank you so much for your reply and it’s so thoughtful of you take the time to write a message. I just got home after flying in as I’m sure you can imagine I am in a lot of pain right now. Later, I would love to ask you more in private about how you’re coping with the lipedema. Wow, for me I’ve had nine out of 10 pain with it.
Yes, okay my mother- well my friends tell me she’s a narcissist. But it seems more complex than that, ugh I don’t know? In any case, I do know that my family is toxic for me and I successfully avoided interacting with them for years til my brain injury five years ago, but then I got cognitive impairment and executive functioning problems and memory issues. And neurological complications and major mental illness popped following that injury as well. My mother did come out when I was very sick with new major mental illness this last year and ended up in the hospital for 11 weeks. Basically, she’s the last person that you would you would want ‘caregiving’ you.
And I was pretty socially isolated before the injury because I worked all the time, and I don’t have any other close friends left our family really because I lost all my friends except two old friends that don’t live near me after I became disabled, and I haven’t built up a new friend group, I’ve been very isolated.
I did get a basic manual wheelchair recently but there was no room in my car and tbh my left hand has no strength so I’m not using it yet. It would have been amazing to be able to get outside on the trip but I didn’t have car and for most of week the rain and winds made it hard for me to go outside.
I need to look into some other options for mobility and spending more time around other disabled folks in supportive environments would be amazing. Anyway, as far as my mom goes, she’s 85 and she had a UTI while we were there and her partner 73 and he had a UTI as well and my sister has some serious health issues and she and I are both 55. The thing that really kills me is that my sister’s daughter and sons (and their friend) don’t even help my mom and her partner much less me.
They didn’t even help unload the car or help me get my luggage up to my room up a steep flight of stairs. 20, 21, and 22 y.o. adult human beings. My nieces BF Sezer helped ALOT, he’s such a nice young man. I hope that somehow she can keep them as a boyfriend, but I mean his values are totally different because he helps without being asked, and like offered help, which is the opposite of these kids. It’s so late but I’ll try to respond tomorrow. I will definitely get the books you recommend. Sending hugs to you, your dad, your mom, and family❤️🌻🌻
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u/itsacalamity A big mish-mash of chronic pain issues 7h ago
You should redact this more
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u/derangedmacaque 5h ago
Hi, I agree. I realize that after someone told me yesterday, but I don’t see how to do that. I do see how to delete it. Do you know how to do that?
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u/Pure_Salary_8796 6h ago
One reason i didn't go on my family trip. I didn't want anyone to either worry too much or sit there and not care at all. I want the right amount of care and i feel like only my partner knows where that line is.
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u/derangedmacaque 3h ago
Yes, my sister “” tried to help me, but she’s incredibly ignorant about how to do that so if she would ask me if I need help and I said no, she would get offended and then if I struggle to do something, and I refuse to have her help me I fell down She would be like why aren’t you letting me help you and I’m like because for example with my disability and my physical therapy and I live alone and I’m single so they never taught me how to have anyone help me get off the floor. I just know how to do it by myself with my cane or like furniture and I’m not very confident with my Hands strength using people who want to offer me a hand for example but people who are disabled understand not to grab someone’s hand or arm or body or mobility device like my cane.
Anyway, my sister is mad at me from the trip because she thinks that I didn’t tell people ““ how to help me or what my needs are or something like that which is not true but…
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u/Electronic_System_80 22h ago
Next time you should plan a new trip without them and enjoy the trip instead of just upset and angry
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u/Medical-Bill-4816 9h ago
Good on her for apologizing. It sounds like a rough trip, but at least there’s acknowledgment now. Hopefully next time the family can plan in a way that works for everyone.
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u/Spirited_Concept4972 7h ago
I would never wanna go on a family trip again….. that’s pretty traumatizing! That’s not how family treats family!
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u/Electronic_System_80 22h ago
I am so sorry for your bad vacation. I know that some family members are very helpful and the other family members are not so kind at all. Everyone has a good and bad ones. Next time you should not invite your aunt again because she was rude and she will not be happy with you at all. I am disabled so if I was there I would tell her to leave the house and see how many more family members feel the same way. Just stop inviting them
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u/derangedmacaque 22h ago
Thank you for your reply it’s a bit confusing with the text screen shots but the one apologizing is my 85 yo mom.
I honestly never go anywhere with my family this was fourth time in 25 years that I’ve seen them.
My family is super toxic.
I’m the aunt in the text. I told her I didn’t want to go. Your observations are valid. I should avoid these ppl in future.
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u/Glittering_Bat_7065 1d ago
I've been in this vacation predicament as a disabled women, it's traumatizing. You need to tell your mother how hateful and offensive those texts were. Although after reading those texts it sounds like you be talking to a brick wall. Remind her that she's your mother and you are still her responsibility, I dont care how old you are, she needs to protect you and include you in family gatherings. Without making you feel like such a burden. Tell her this whole thing makes her look bad, she's the mom. Act like it! And honestly show her your post and people's reactions. Get her to understand your side of this.