I hate doubts, so much, especially when I have a hard time countering them, and it just leaves me feeling confused and distressed. Even though being trans is such a beautiful thing, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything 🏳️‍⚧️.

Found this online

It was so much fun! And they called me by my name and everything! I have the best friends in the world!

There are exceptions to the compliments though, I still blush a bit when my partner calls me cute

I over heard my parents talking today after I had went back upstairs...

I haven't told them anything yet(And I hope it will stay this way) but they were using really harsh words about Trans folk, and it reminded me of what they used to say to me whenever I got bad grades :(

All of a sudden my stomach dropped and I just vividly remembered them calling me a "Waste of [their] DNA." I wish I was able to cry instead of just...suffering

I know I did a lot of procrastination, but I’ll finally come out in September on my first eggiversary! Hopefully it goes well! 🫶🏳️‍⚧️🫶🏳️‍⚧️

This might not be the best phrased way to ask

(Novel length Info dump for those who want it)

So... quite a bit has happened and nothing has happened. In the past week or so I have been more suspicious of my sister being suspicious about me being trans. To be totally fair, I am pretty much throwing hints like the riddler atp. But, recently I got "back into" Guild Wars 2 (dropped it in December after about a week of playing due to idek lol).

Back then I played a Norn male (big buff viking), I think warrior class (big weapon go bonk). I was still hyper aware and wanted to be very hidden in the closet so I picked the most manliest thing ever, incase anybody would peak into my room.

Skip forward to 2 nights ago, I'm like... why not give it another go? This time I made a new character a Human female (gorgeous), elemental class (super extravagant). Earlier today? Yesterday? Sunday. I show my sister a screenshot I had taken and said "isn't this game so pretty?" (It's a gorgeous game btw), and the first thing she said was "Are you a girl?" obviously referring to in-game. I froze up a little and got a teeny tiny bit defensive and said "Yeah, so?" and then the conversation kinda tapered from there.

Funny thing is that my dad walked into my room while I was playing and asked what game it was, spent a whole hour showing him stuff and he never once questioned my character. I mean, tbf, he games, so he probably thought it was a situation where guys pick a skin they think is attractive.

Anyways, it also probably doesn't help that two days before, she brought up in the car with me and our mom that her friend was lesbian but her parents told her she couldn't "come out" until she was 18, unless she was "confused."

I said in response "I don't really get why parents use the confused card, like kids are not so stupid they don't know who they like or what they are. If they're confused or questioning they'll say that." Which then triggered a sleeper agent memory in my mom which was me trying to come out as trans 5 years ago and she said "well remember when you wanted to be a woman, that was just confusion" which immediately made me regret bringing that up. (I basically re-closeted immediately after that attempt because I was, and still kinda am, a people pleaser. I was just going along with what they said)

Anyways, after my mom said that my sister hushed her? Like "don't bring that up." Which I think could mean two things; one, she 100% knows and is supportive? Or two, she doesn't want that thought in my head again? Or thinks it's embarrassing?

I lean towards the latter just because earlier in the year when I talked to her about femboys (was just brought up in conversation bc it was on our fyps) she said "they're a bad influence" when mentioned I liked them. AND she's the one who ratted me out the first time I tried to come out (I came to her in confidentiality).

So idk what to make of all this. For those of you who read it all, thanks, any thoughts would be appreciated. To those of you who skipped for TLDR, here ya go:

• Showed sis a screenshot to show her game pretty, she ask "why girl?"

• Funni thing is dad spent a whole hour watching me play, never ask "why girl?"

• Other day sis bring up her friend who's lesbian but parents told her not to come out bc she might be confused.

• I say "dat make no sense"

• Mom remember when I tried to come out as trans 5 yr ago, say "remember, you were just confused" I immediately regret saying "dat make no sense" bc it brought up that memory.

• Sis say "Don't bring that up"

• I'm confused on what she meant by that.

If I do

I can’t even sleep anymore, not because I’m scared, because I’m excited. School starts in two weeks, let’s do this sh*t.

I've been saying I'm still fine with he/him and they only had to do she/her if they wanted... unless 😳

(I go by Jesse or Jess)

It’s an opportunity that I missed but I am still pretty happy because it seems like we will have fun and I think that they will be accepting when I’ve learned to know them and come out to them (a couple of them were gay and/or had gender neutral pronouns)