r/oslo • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
Asking a Man on a Date as a POC
I’m (35F) visiting Oslo again in about a week, finally as a single lady. I come a couple of times a year for work and I enjoy the people I meet for the most part. I’m looking to meet someone new outside of work but I’m not sure how men in Oslo will take being approached — especially because I’m not white. I don’t feel like I can ask my colleagues this, so I’m here. I’m the kind of woman that isn’t afraid to ask a man on date if I feel a connection is present, and so I let our meetings decide whether something is serious or not; I can’t say whether I want to be in a relationship or something casual until I meet a person who inspires me either way. I don’t have a type, but where I live, race is a big factor. What is the culture like? Or am I better off (safer?) using an app? Any advice appreciated!
Edit: Wow! Thank you everyone for your insights. I think I’ll walk into this with a bit more confidence, but with my wits about me as well of course. I’ll be moving on now. You can stop 😭 please
Edit #2: If you plan on DMing to offer me your genitalia, you’ll be reported. ✋🏾🚫
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u/Austrheim 5d ago
how men in Oslo will take being approached
Most likely they will not understand what is happening.
And when you explain what you intend very very slowly, they will most likely be thrilled to have been approaced.
I doubt most men you feel like approaching will be "bothered" by your ethnicity at all (although there can be cultural issues, but those might first occurr if things get more serious).
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u/OboniquesDiary 5d ago
Race usually doesn’t matter, but some has some weird race kink. I’m also a WOC and lived here my whole life. Some men will only be interested because they want to have tried to sleep with a WOC once in their life. But there are also many that are genuinely interested in you as a person. I think you probably have experience with that, so you would be able tell early on. Dating apps is the easiest way to get a date!
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u/Sensitive-Dust-9734 5d ago
As far as I know the culture here is pretty open for women making approaches and relatively safe for dating.
Being POC might change the game in a smaller place where you might be the only or one of very few POC in the dating pool. This won't be the case in Oslo though.
If you meet someone you can trust I recommend getting yourself invited for a trip outdoors or on the countryside/mountains. Plenty of people or their relatives got cabins in the mountains. I absolutely love the stunning nature of Norway.
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5d ago
Ah yes, so do I. You all are very blessed in that respect! The trust part there is also key. I’m too young to die!
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u/herrbrun 5d ago
I see everybody saying that this should be no problem at all and while I think that is a genuine reflection of how most people think, or want to think, I also think a lot of (straight, white) Norwegian men might be somewhat taken aback by the combination of being approached/asked out on a date, and the fact that you are a non-Norwegian-speaking WOC. That really, really should not stop you, but you should expect both fumbling and a certain volume of micro-aggressions. While Oslo is indeed a diverse city, there is both structural and individual-level racism. But again, not necessarily with ill intent, just everyday ignorance.
That said, go get ‘em girl!
Also, can I ask where you’re from and what brings you to Oslo on a regular basis?
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u/Sensitive-Dust-9734 5d ago
I think this might be more of a case if you go out of the big cities. All of the big cities, in particular Oslo, have plenty of POC so seeing a WOC shouldn't confuse the guys too much ;)
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5d ago
This is what I was afraid of! Thank you for your insight. I’m almost certain there won’t be a flock of Nazis climbing over themselves to comment here, so I’m under no impression it’ll be that easy. That said, I’ll keep the details of my life to a minimum here, just in case; but in short I work with artists who travel up for your concerts every year.
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u/herrbrun 5d ago
Thanks for responding. That’s a really cool job, and based on that and your comments here I’m gonna assume you’re cool and a good date, so I hope the invitations are successful. I’d ask about your plans the next time you’re in town, but you wanted to keep it offline so I’ll just cross my fingers that our paths cross instead.
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5d ago
I appreciate this! Being safe is a non-negotiable for me, however I will ask your advice on your top 3 powerlifting/olympic gyms in the area, just in case the universe decides to help out there!
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u/herrbrun 5d ago
Well you've both asked the right and wrong person. I lift in my home gym, and inviting you to my basement there is more of a third date kind of proposal.
On a more serious note, the best commercial gym for serious lifting is Pumphouse (https://pumphouse.no/). It's expensive though, but most gyms will be if you do daily or weekly passes. The weekly pass is an OK deal if you're in town for a few days at a time and plan on getting in several workouts. It's a short subway ride from the city centre.
Oslo Styrkeløftklubb (the Oslo powerlifting club) has a great gym for club members, but I think you have to be a member to work out there, and the gym is all the way out in Frysja which isn't really that accessible.
There are also a few crossfit gyms (or crossfit clones who don't pay for the crossfit brand) , which are often good places to work out seriously and which obviously allow dropping weights. XT Lambertseter, XT Nydalen and Crossfit Sagene comes to mind.
I would probably start at Pumphouse if the logistics work. Or try out whichever gym is closest to where you usually stay, maybe you'll be surprised. But there are a lot of gyms that frown upon dropping weights, which is a bummer if you do powerlifting seriously (no really heavy DLs) and obviously a no-go if you do olympic lifting.
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5d ago
😆 to the basement!
That said, I do appreciate the recommendations. Good gyms seem to be quite hard to find everywhere, especially where you can drop your weights. I’ll give these some thought! 🙏🏾
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u/EC36339 5d ago
Never take dating advice from someone who says "WOC" and "microaggreasions".
Never date someone like that, either. Navigating that kind of minefield is never worth it.
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u/BoysenberryComplex 5d ago
...because Women of Colour and micro aggressions does't exist, or what? I don't understand this take 🤔
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u/100Tugrik 5d ago
Because those are not the words they'd use. I'll just not repeat what words I think they would use.
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u/Fyren-1131 5d ago
I don't think I can say that race matters all that much. Fwiw I am a 34y male. I have friends of many different nationalities, male and female. I think it is safe to go by what you feel is right.
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5d ago
I appreciate this! It’s definitely wonderful to know that people are open. Any tips as to where folks in their 30s tend to congregate? Or is ageism not really a thing either? 😅
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u/Fyren-1131 5d ago edited 5d ago
Oh you're asking the wrong person! I'm a homebody, I just play my guitar and make music. I wouldn't know where to find people. In fact, I am in a foreign (to me) city right now and looking for a bar. Rather fruitlessly, I might add xD
But, just wanna say I hope you take my original point to heart. I like to believe us Norwegians arent really caught up in color. I may be wrong, but my anecdotal life experience would suggest this.
Edit: actually - the metal folks tend to like Revolver, Kniven. I know that cause I have some metalhead friends lol. I am also a metalhead, but I scored 1/10 on socialness.
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5d ago
Noted! I’ve been to Revolver, which wasn’t a bad time at all… but I’m more of a grunge/jazz/house kid, so I might actually turn out to be a bit too vanilla for those folks 😅
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u/Fyren-1131 5d ago
Haha, you and me both.Herr Nilsen is a good jazz venue, lots of fun stuff going on there. I'd recommend giving that a go. Intimate venue.
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u/Bartlaus 5d ago
To 90%+ of people my age (50s) and younger, race is a non-factor. Cultural or religious differences might be more significant.
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u/Astrotoad21 5d ago
Go for it, also race is not a big factor in Oslo at all from my experience.
If the guy is already taken, you will still probably make his night because it’s such a rare confidence boost to be approached like that, unless you do it in a sleezy way of course.
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5d ago
Nobody likes sleaze 😭 however, it seems my biggest worry now is finding someone sober enough to actually have a conversation with!
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u/nilsinleneed 5d ago
there's plenty of POC in Norway, and they are just as norwegian as the rest of us
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5d ago
So I’m told! Although I’ve also been told most live out in Bergen?
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u/coek-almavet 5d ago
plenty of people of colour in Oslo too, many non-white norwegian friends here. not sure abt bergen having a bigger immigrsnt background population, always thought oslo’s the most diverse and inclusive
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u/nilsinleneed 5d ago
we have huge diversity in Oslo
if it wasn't for all our immigrated citicizens we'd all be eating overcooked potatoes and boiled ham while dying alone in understaffed care homes.
the best restaurants, grocery stores, nails and haircuts, massages and so many other things are run by immigrants and people of color
It's easy to feel like people are becoming more racist these days because the global overton window on hate has moved, but most Norwegians truly believe in equality for all, treat everyone the same - and if not, we are going to remind each other
All this to say I'm a white dude and I dont speak for anyone else, and there are other people who have much more valuable perspectives than mine based on their personal experiences.
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u/Instictp3 5d ago
What is poc? Everyone here seem to know what it means except me!
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u/PresentationFine7524 5d ago
If someone don’t like your skin color or are rude, it’s a no go anyway. This is rare, though. I think you will be fine-:)
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u/YourInternetCousin 5d ago
I don’t know what your racial identity is (because that also is a factor, trust me) but I would try to ask another person of the global majority - not a bunch of white people on Reddit who will obviously tell you that race doesn’t matter. It absolutely does. 😅
I will say, though, that I don’t think men in general are intimidated by women approaching them. Men love to be the prize, honey… 😂 You’re brave for doing it - I commend you! Love to see it. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
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5d ago
Coming through with the facts! 💓 Thanks for this, I’ll certainly keep it in mind. You know, a lot of people were trying to make me feel better about race but few people actually made suggestions about the dating culture. I just know people don’t eat together on first dates, and prefer to walk around sculpture parks 😅
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u/LongLeather8083 5d ago
I dont agree with the people saying Race is a non-factor. But its usually not a big deal.
Depending on what you mean by "date" its ok to ask someone to hang out. But it has to be pretty concrete. Also, going on dates i.e. a dinner interview, is not really a thing for many people. Though you see part of the culture doing it performatively, especially via Tinder.
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5d ago
Thank you for your honesty! I thought getting food together and making conversation would be the standard 🙁 So if we don’t eat, what would be the best to do?
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u/tonefaber 5d ago
Norwegians don't usually plan "dates" like in the US for example, unless it's planned via hinge or something. A normal date activity could be going for a hike/walk, check out a park (like Vigeland that someone else mentioned) or a stroll through the city, things like that. We usually prefer activity dates over dinner dates :)
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5d ago
Thank you! 🙏🏾 I’ll definitely be looking Vigeland up. I am carrying PTSD from trying another sculpture park on a hill after leg day though, so maybe a nice flat walk in the city or there, would make for an easier med-evac!
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u/tonefaber 5d ago
Vigeland is pretty flat imo, but stay away from the Ekeberg sculpture park if you want to avoid hills 😅
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u/LongLeather8083 5d ago
"Thank you for your honesty! I thought getting food together and making conversation would be the standard 🙁 So if we don’t eat, what would be the best to do?"
Although its not off the table entirely; Eating together is something you often do with a kjæreste.
The few times I've been asked to go to lunch "someday" or even more formal I wasnt that interested. If a girl is interested, it'll be easier than having to go to a restaurant and muck around like an old married couple that doesnt know each other. And if she's not interested, there's not point.
You could say you want to see the statues in the Vigelandspark. If he wants to come with, or show you. Or visit the royal palace or whatever. Just hanging out. Not that I'm a big Don Juan, so someone may have better ideas.
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u/coek-almavet 5d ago
honestly just do it. race should play no role unless the man is idiotic. asking people out is a bit uncommon as people are shy and it might be hard to meet people with whom you feel a connection, hence apps are popular. but i assume thet’s true for all of europe at least. or i personally am shy at least :|
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u/No_Composer_9176 5d ago
As a POC girl myself, it’s never been an issue for me. Can I ask where you’re from? I’ve never lived in a country where race was a factor?
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5d ago
It’s good to hear from another POC of course! Thank you 🙏🏾 I don’t want to out myself too much here, but I can tell you that our history has made it so that if there is an interracial relationship, people here assume immediately that one person is exploiting the other, or it’s about money. There’s still a huge taboo around it even if as women we can take very good care of ourselves. It’s pretty sad.
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u/Simonsayscrossfit 5d ago
Use dating apps. People here are often very introverted, and it's easier to match with people online.
Tinder is mostly about hookups, while Hinge is more about a combination of dates and possibly hookups.
Most guys will smile and get happy if a girl invites them out, but using an app is the easiest way to find someone.
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u/newbie739 5d ago
Woman with a similar work arrangement here. You mentioned you wanted some insights so here they are:
Men function on “hot or not” so if they’re receptive, skin colour is not a factor. It might even be a plus for some (though you should probably avoid those).
What you describe would read to some as “looking for casual/some fun while I’m here”. If that’s what you want, go for it! If you want something serious though, be clear about it to the people you’re seeing. Because the assumption on their end will likely be “it’s a hook up/casual).
Norwegian men being too shy is a myth. They’re perfectly capable of and do go after what they want. Some may be on the lazy or over-cautious side. And they do sometimes glitch when they get afraid of misreading a situation (your interest/consent/boundaries). That’s why you have to be clear. Other than that, they’re great to date.
Which brings us to “dates”. I’m completely with them on this: dinner with a complete stranger is just weird. Do something and if it’s fun, go for a drink after.
I don’t know why you think dating apps are not safe. Or less safe than random people you meet out. It’s just a lot more efficient given your time constraints. I met great people on those apps that I still see:)
Have fun!
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u/allasion 4d ago
Go for it ma'am! Some might love it, and some might be mildly disturbed, but over all i think you'll mostly get possitive and neutral interactions out of it if you got a decent red flag radar
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u/Kita-to-friends 3d ago
I’ll throw in that many Norwegians our age group at least aren’t great at dating. It’s often awkwardly quiet or nervously over-chatty. But there are the rare exceptions where you’ll have a great time!
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u/LePure 5d ago
Race is a non-issue. That being said, there's assholes everywhere, but in 99% of the cases people wouln't care. As for being asked out, many men actually prefer it, as we don't want to be viewed as pushy.
Also with heightened awareness around consent, boundaries, and harassment, it can be hard to know when or how it’s appropriate to approach women.
Then lastly, there's always the fear of rejection. Many men our age is tired of it, and some have just given up asking.
As a single male of 41, it's mostly a combination of the first two for me. But due to the two first, I totally wouldn't mind being asked out. It's actually quite flattering.
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u/Tight-Dragon-fruit 5d ago
Hahaha! Enjoy 😊 Dont be shy, Norwegians are very rarely rude when they decline you.
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u/NFTWonder 5d ago edited 5d ago
Well as an online journalist and person who understands Norwegian rather well I would like to interview you over Telegram (voice or voice message) to ensure that you are prepared for the local situation. Normally I prepare 20 questions for my interviews.
Example questions.
- Are you ready to experience the midnight sun in Oslo?
- Do you think you could handle a day of exploring on a bicycle?
- Will you try to learn a few Norwegian phrases while you're here?
- Have you ever sees the beautiful waterfront in Oslo?
- Do you think you could survive a day without your phone while exploring the city?
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u/Dzyu 5d ago
Yeah, this has always been common, here, in my experience. I have been asked out by women in Oslo for almost three decades, despite never going to clubs, bars or places where people congregate and consume alcohol. I have never really approached women, yet have never really been single for very long. I don't even go out much. They'll approach me even on the subway, train, in stores, etc etc.
My heart goes out to that nervous nerdy woman who tried to hit on me when I was playing a phone game on the subway. It was brave as hell, on a crowded subway no less. I hope you survived the embarassment when my gf, who sat nearby, took my hand on the way out and that you have found your gamer guy by now.
To all the other women who say "she doesn't have to know": 🖕
Anyway, I digress... I have also been asked out many times by WOC (and been in a long relationship with a WOC, although I didn't think I ever would because I was young and it was a long time ago so it was alien to me, but I learned it's not about skin color - it's about who you are. And btw, we/she didn't experience much racism at all. Just about one or two easily avoidable idiots per year. Except for her family who didn't accept me... Which was rough for her.)
I think it's a very good sign for you that many WOC have been comfortable asking a random white guy out in Oslo for such a long time, so I say go for it! In person is always best, and pretty much anywhere is good.
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u/squirrel_exceptions 5d ago
Asking a guy out as a woman is not only acceptable, but welcomed, by us Norwegian men. Race should be completely irrelevant.
Having a problem with any of those would be giant red flags anyway, and hence a useful sorting mechanism, but that should be pretty damn rare in Oslo.