r/pancreaticcancer • u/Appropriate_Night432 • 3d ago
venting Mom passed away on Sunday.
My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in mid june and it spread to her liver in a little over a month. She was very young, only 44 and I myself am 17. She did 3 rounds of chemo and they weren’t effective so she was put on palliative care and passed away on Sunday. I am so heartbroken and don’t know how to keep going without her. She was my best friend and I feel so lost without her and constantly feel like I could’ve done something to help or save her.
What has helped you cope with the loss of someone with pancreatic cancer?
10
u/Prestigious-Light-79 3d ago
I am so sorry for your loss, 44 is not enough time at all.
I am going through the same as you, my Mam passed at the end of July at 63, 10 days after her birthday. My younger sister is just 26 and I find myself constantly thinking that’s it’s not fair she only had that much time with her.
Thankfully we’re a very close family and have had each other to lean on. Do you have any siblings?
Honestly, just know there’s nothing you could have done and I’m sure you did everything you could to make her final moments the best they could be.
This disease is horrific and unforgiving. Please give yourself some grace and time to try to heal. Lean on those around you, rant on the internet if it feels safe and easy for you, scream into your pillow, spend as much time alone/with others as you need.
I’m not sure the feeling of loss and emptiness will ever go away or how we’re supposed to move forward but just know that you can do this. I’m so so so SO sorry you’re having to go through this so young. It’s cruel and unfair and I’m just so sorry.
5
u/Appropriate_Night432 3d ago
Thank you so much. I have an older sister and she’s 21. We are quite close so I’m grateful we have each other to lean on during this time. The disease took my mom so quickly and unexpectedly I barely had time to process her diagnosis before she passed away.
It’s cruel and I am sending so much love your way and am sorry for your loss. I really hope we can get through this and I believe in us.
I don’t think we will ever get over it completely but I believe living with that grief and at some point being okay with it coexisting within us is proof of our everlasting love for our mothers.
5
u/Budget_Ad_3559 3d ago
Its terrible, heartwrenching. Both of you are too young to go through anything like this
5
u/Specialist_Ad1499 3d ago
I've been through this agony. Mom died September 28th last year. I'm coming almost to a year of her being gone and the only thing that saves me is honoring her. Just honoring her life and doing the things that I know she would want me to do. That gets me through it's agony. The whole thing was agony fighting the cancer and watching her die was the worst and my dad almost died at the same time he had to be rehabilitated. It's just a shock to the system and I know how you feel darling because my mom was my best friend too. I wish you peace and I pray for you. This is going to be one of the hardest things that you'll ever have to deal with. God bless
1
u/Appropriate_Night432 3d ago
Thank you so much for your kind words. It was all very horrible to witness and go through and i can only pray it gets a little better as time goes on. I am sending love your way :)
4
u/WilliamofKC 3d ago
I am so very sorry for you. Your post was nice, and shows the love for your mother. I wish you peace and comfort at this difficult time.
3
3
3
3
u/TeenzBeenz 3d ago
I’m so sorry. I wish there were easy answers. I do find some of the grief podcasts helpful. I hope you find some comfort soon. Remember how much your Mama loves you.
2
3
u/MJar1234 3d ago
I am so so so sorry. This is genuinely heartbreaking I wish I could hug you :( My mom died in July, she was 55 and I’m 21). I know what you’re going through its the most hopeless and depressing feeling ever. My sister is also 17. Sometimes life just isn’t fair
1
u/Appropriate_Night432 3d ago
It’s very unfair. I wish I could hug you too. I’m sending love your and your sisters way❤️
2
u/Muted-Lynx-8745 3d ago
This is so very tragic…God Bless You! I would recommend that you get into grief counseling asap, speak to your religious leader too. I would also call the hospital to see if they provide group counseling for family members who have lost their loved ones because of cancer. Prayers and Hugs!
1
2
u/Venus1958 3d ago
You’re such a young girl to lose your mum. The disease is swift for some and you are fortunate, though you don’t feel it now, that she did not linger in great pain. My mum too was my best friend and three years later I still miss her every day. Please reach out to friends and family for support. They are there for you and will help to get you through tough times. Sending you a prayer of love and comfort. My heart hurts for you. 💔
2
u/Appropriate_Night432 3d ago
Thank you. I am glad she didn’t spend a long time in agony but at the same time I selfishly wish I had been given more time with her. I miss her so much and I’m just happy our moms aren’t suffering anymore. Sending so much love:)
2
2
u/PermissionAwkward113 3d ago
My Mom passed March 30th after a 72 day battle with Stage 4 pancan. All I could do was love and care for her with all I had and make her comfortable. I wish there was a cure or something I could have done. Be gentle on yourself. It is a brutal and agonizing disease especially at that stage.
I utilize all our Hospice supports for bereavement and I am in grief counseling. I have gotten my hands on every book I think might help. There is nothing but grace and time. My heart is with you
2
u/Appropriate_Night432 3d ago
I am sending love your way. Is there any specific book you’d recommend? :)
2
u/PermissionAwkward113 2d ago
I really got a lot from "Grief Day by Day" from Jan Warner and "Grief is a Sneaky Bitch" by Lisa Keefauver
1
2
2
2
u/momofchanel 2d ago
I am so sorry for your loss sweetie, you are too young to deal with such pain and grief. It’s so hard I can not imagine :/ I stopped by your post to tell you that your mom was so young to deal with that cancer so have they done her genetic testing ??? If they don’t, you must pressured them do to you. If you have any family members from her side dealing with some cancers too please advocate your self. Every pancreatic cancer patient needs to do genetic testing especially the young ones. (I know you are in so much pain right now and you can not understand very well but please meet the oncology team and do the test).
About your loss, please surround your self with family and friends that love you and support you. Those who cheer you up, they are there when things are tough. Therapy does miracles too. If you want to speak about mom do so, if you don’t, don’t do it. Do things you love and be happy - this is the only thing mothers want from us. Whenever you accomplish something, whenever you are smiling it’s the best gift and memorial for her. I know it’s so hard not being with her, not sharing things, I wish you never had to go through this !! But we can not change things … we can only cope with them
1
u/Appropriate_Night432 2d ago
Thank you so much. I’m already planning on doing genetic testing with my sister and we will stay strong together :)
2
u/momofchanel 2d ago
You welcome xxx I don’t know in which country you live but make sure If you live in USA from what I have heard do the health insurance first and then the test. If your mom had surgery ask for genetic testing from the sample they saved. In those difficult times family must stay together and I am happy you at least have your sister Praying for you and thinking of you and if you need a friend to talk I am here xxx
2
u/Memory-Lemon-2711 2d ago
Sending you lots of love. Please be kind to yourself 💚 She’ll always be with you.
2
u/Far_Growth576 2d ago
I am so sorry, I am 35 and I am going to lose my mom soon, take one day at the time, find some counseling group, I send you a big hug, keep strong
2
u/Appropriate_Night432 2d ago
I am sending you strength. Spend as much time as you can with your mom:)
2
u/Agile_Huckleberry861 2d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. To have your mom pass at such a young age must be profoundly difficult. The fact that you are here, trying to find ways to deal with the pain, shows what a great mother you had. I don’t think at your age I would have had the wisdom or maturity to seek help, I would have just allowed it to swallow me whole. She clearly raised a very thoughtful and strong daughter. You are your mom’s living legacy, which I hope brings you some comfort. Wishing you and your family healing 🩷
2
1
u/AsparagusAnxious5166 2d ago
Sending you love and healing, stay close to your sister and you both will get through it. My own sister was diagnosed in July and she is deciding not to do any treatment so, I'm likely about to go through something similar. Life is just so precious and all we can do is just survive sometimes.....take care of yourself, that is important too
1
u/Appropriate_Night432 2d ago
I am sending you so much love. Please spend as much time as you possibly can with your sister and talk to her. My mom always wanted us to talk to her or just hear our voices before she passed.
2
u/AntsyAngler 9h ago
I'm so sorry! It's awful. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer. I think about him often and miss him. I keep him in my heart and hold a special place of honor for him in continuing the things we both loved and shared.
12
u/wennamarie 3d ago
Oh sweetie I’m so sorry. I’m 46 and not handling it well. I can’t imagine going through this at 17. Just understand that it will get better in time. You’ll have good days and bad days and that’s absolutely ok. Try to get into therapy or grief counseling if you can. Sending so much love your way.