r/publichealth • u/FancyLadyLite • 1d ago
Just Venting Black sheep at the dinner table
I just need to vent about something that hit me hard after another dinner with extended family. I’ve always felt like the black sheep in my family, not because of who I am, but because of what I value. I started working for a medical school 3 years ago and I teach family centered care, health policy, how to advocate, and sexuality topics all within in the lens of disability. This drove me to pursue my MPH. I love my work. I love my degree. I just had my first guest lecture at an Ivy League for a workshop I’m developing all before I even graduate with my masters. I have had some of the greatest highs of my career and I can’t even celebrate them because my family can’t look past their discomfort. No one ever asks me about how work is or what I’m learning, or what’s going on in my life outside my relationship or how I look. My degree is “controversial” and my work is “political”. Yet still I sit there quietly, waiting for my turn, waiting for someone to show curiosity about me… but it never comes. As the youngest, I’ve spent years thinking eventually they’d see me, that my moment would come. But I’m realizing maybe it never will. We live in a different world now. I don’t want applause or praise. I just want to be considered, to be asked, to feel like I belong in my own family. And it stings to realize that in their eyes, my existence feels less comfortable to engage with than others’ all because after covid I chose to run towards the chaos not from it…
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u/PieSweet5550 1d ago
Some people may know that you love it a lot as a subject and feel intimated by how much you know. You being heard by them might make you feel loved, but it might make them feel small, or embarrassed.
You know your family better than I do, but sometimes people don’t ask knowledgeable or smart individuals questions because they feel overwhelmed by how much the person knows about one topic. I’m not saying that justifies them not asking you about your work, just maybe consider that it’s not about you. They just can’t get past those feelings. A lot of people are much more avoidant than you realize.
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u/NuancedBoulder 1d ago
This this this this this. Youngests sometimes take longer than others to realize that older sibs don’t actually have it all going on — they may have always seemed cool and smart while growing up but that was a vestige of age, not skills or abilities.
Build your tribe of friends and allies and mentors, because family will probably always see you as the youngest child. I’m in my 50s and it still fucking happens. 😆
(I really hate birth order assumptions about studiousness, responsibility, intelligence, and caregiving roles. So exhausting!)
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u/FancyLadyLite 1d ago
I wanna thank everyone for the support! I feel so heard. In this particular instance this family member brought up her fake vaccine card and basically told me as someone got vaccinated and was eligible for the first round of vaccines due to my health condition I was basically asking for someone bad to happen and I was being negligent by listening to my cardiologist. I chose not really to fight back simply reminding her we live in different worlds and moving the dinner topic to conversation to her current side business.
I know her mom is proud of me and falls into this camp of simply not understanding. However this specific family member gets antagonistic. I should’ve known better to not engaged. I am older now. I should not have gotten baited but I got used to having conversations that steam from curiosity and lack of knowledge. This person is very MAGA and very MAHA and was looking for a fight I think.
We only just recently reconciled within the past 8 months from another unrelated family drama. I forgot how small this person could still make me feel after 8 years of not speaking.
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u/NuancedBoulder 1d ago
Yeah distancing from those types is a super healthy response. It’s sad, but they are truly toxic at a community and interpersonal level.
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u/Generic-Name-4732 MPH | Epidemiologist | Current Focus: Environmental Health 1d ago
My dad is pretty Libertarian (Trump supporter) and I’ve been challenging him and talking about all the issues with policies and laws ever since I was in undergrad. I don’t shy away from all the difficulties we face, even before COVID, and flat-out telling him when and how he’s wrong. Sometimes I think he regrets sending me to a small Catholic university that focused a lot on social justice issues (ie poverty, immigration and protection of dreamers, care for the environment, etc.) but he eventually comes around to acknowledge I’m right. He’s proud of the work I do, and being in Environmental Health now it’s hard to argue against researching PFAS in groundwater, affects of wildfire smoke or extreme heat on health, the effects of vehicle pollution on health, etc.
Sometimes you have to make space for yourself and not wait for others to acknowledge you or validate you.
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u/Stonk_Newboobie 1d ago
Public health advocates will definitely be needed in the next coming days. See you in the trenches, comrade!
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u/IHaveSomeOpinions09 1d ago
I think there are a lot of us from conservative backgrounds who go into public health, because we were so sheltered and isolated growing up and when we finally see more of the world, we go, “oh, wow, I had no idea this existed and this is not right, I want to do something about it.”
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u/PorchCat0921 Community Health Educator 1d ago
Absolutely my experience; I had no idea just how much I didn't know.
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u/Free-Vehicle2957 1d ago
It really hurts to be dismissed like this by the people who, in theory, should take great interest in. Asking simple questions like "How's work treating you" is not complicated and no doing so is just plain rude. Perhaps piping up with something like "Since we're talking about work, I'm really enjoying mine. Thanks for asking." would make them think twice
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u/Brief_Resolution_307 1d ago
I’m in the exact same boat. And I say that not to detract, but to say you’re not alone. At all. As a Reddit stranger, I am so proud of you and celebrate your career highs! You will go on to do so many amazing things. And while it hurts, you are so lucky to have found something you’re so passionate about when you did, many don’t find that in their entire lifetimes.
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u/FancyLadyLite 21h ago
Ty! I appreciate the camaraderie! I definitely feel so much support from this community. Grateful to have found myself in a field of so many compassionate people
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u/DMT1momma 1d ago
Good for you. This chaos in our country (assuming you’re in the US) is temporary. Flaunt your stuff because we’re so valuable. Medicine cannot be without us fellow public health advocates. I hope that within your job you have a good group of people who get you and can see how valuable you are. I’m sorry you are not receiving the credit you deserve from your family. Kill them with silence as you bloom and maybe one day someone will build up courage to be curious.
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u/Daffodils28 1d ago
Congratulations on all your achievements! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
You deserve to surround yourself with good people who see you. 💐
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u/peonyseahorse 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think that public health will always be an underappreciated underdog. Our society values "doers" not "planners" and since so much of PH is prevention and planning, they don't concretely "see" what we do. Even allopathic medicine struggles with this, they're just now finally getting it because look what happened with the Covid pandemic, they saw what happens when there are preventative strategies that could be done that get ignored.
When it comes down to it people are really bad at acknowledging and understanding prevention because the outcomes are a mix of surveillance data and long range data, not immediate data.
From one black sheep of the family to another, keep doing what you're doing. I've stopped trying to explain to people outside of PH exactly what I do, I give a very lite description because I get frustrated, but I know fellow PH people get it and we value one another and do what we do even though a lot of people lack the understanding (and frankly many don't want to understand), what we do.
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u/Upstairs_Solid2902 1d ago
From another youngest black sheep public health person who has a very MAGA family, sometimes you have to accept that they will never be the family you crave(I’m still trying) and create the support system you need because your family may never be that for you. Sorry you have to go through this it sucks.
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u/redheadedandbold 1d ago
Oh, my dear. Family are just people. And, people can be assholes. You're not the "black sheep," you're just surrounded by assholes. I hope you find your true family in the friends you make. It might be time to be kinder to yourself, and avoid these family get togethers in future? Sure, some of them might give you * for it. Point out that, since they can't be bothered to take an interest in your life, you feel you owe them the same amount of respect.✊
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u/imasleuth4truth2 22h ago
I knew you would say you were the youngest because youngest children are desperate for approval. Move beyond that and you'll have a much better life in every sense of the term. Good luck
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u/tiredgirl77 19h ago
Having the same issues with my extended family. I’ve cut them all out! It hurts but honestly if you’re unvaccinated, I don’t want to be around you anyways. Also if you believe in MAGA or MAHA.
With my extended family on my dad’s side, all my cousins are much older than I am. I always leave feeling not seen because all the older cousins talk to each other and have more history(?).
On my moms side I’m the second oldest, and I don’t feel not seen but no one asks my those questions either. That’s my experience at least.
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u/deadbeatsummers 16h ago edited 16h ago
Oh dear. I wish I could give you a hug. Your work is important and I’m sure they’re proud of your accomplishments but can’t relate to an extent. This is a great sub full of public health workers who share your enthusiasm and passion. We’re all in this together. I know you are needing that validation from family (we all do!). I feel like a black sheep sometimes too for similar reasons. Just remember you’ve got a great community here. Also, congratulations on the guest lecture, that’s amazing! 🤍
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u/InourbtwotamI 12h ago
Thank you for your service. I know how you feel. I was the first in my fam to get a degree and when I got my PhD in PH, exactly two (not even my parents, sibs, kids) even acknowledged it. Oh, but they can spend hours talking about TV shows or gossiping about neighbors. If it helps, I find it easier to let people be who they are and have closer relationships with colleagues
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u/evidentlynaught 1d ago
There is a documentary called “our silent guardians “ or something like that. It is from the Minnesota school of public health. I urge you to find it online. It’s only 20 minutes long or so.
In it Dr. Michael Olsterholm says that the lifespan in 1900 was 47 years, in 2025 its 78 years. In the last 125 years, for every two days we have lived we have essentially added one more day of life- and that is not due to curative medicine, that is due to public health. Hygiene,nutrition,vaccines, food safety, etc.
That is more time on earth. More time with the ones we love. More time to pursue our dreams. More time to make the world a better place.
I tell new public health staff this because I want them to know it. I tell them, it doesn’t matter if your friends don’t think your work is important. It doesn’t matter if your family thinks your work is important. What matters is, you know your work is important.