Black sheep at the dinner table

[u/FancyLadyLite]

I just need to vent about something that hit me hard after another dinner with extended family. I’ve always felt like the black sheep in my family, not because of who I am, but because of what I value. I started working for a medical school 3 years ago and I teach family centered care, health policy, how to advocate, and sexuality topics all within in the lens of disability. This drove me to pursue my MPH. I love my work. I love my degree. I just had my first guest lecture at an Ivy League for a workshop I’m developing all before I even graduate with my masters. I have had some of the greatest highs of my career and I can’t even celebrate them because my family can’t look past their discomfort. No one ever asks me about how work is or what I’m learning, or what’s going on in my life outside my relationship or how I look. My degree is “controversial” and my work is “political”. Yet still I sit there quietly, waiting for my turn, waiting for someone to show curiosity about me… but it never comes. As the youngest, I’ve spent years thinking eventually they’d see me, that my moment would come. But I’m realizing maybe it never will. We live in a different world now. I don’t want applause or praise. I just want to be considered, to be asked, to feel like I belong in my own family. And it stings to realize that in their eyes, my existence feels less comfortable to engage with than others’ all because after covid I chose to run towards the chaos not from it…

[u/PieSweet5550]

Some people may know that you love it a lot as a subject and feel intimated by how much you know. You being heard by them might make you feel loved, but it might make them feel small, or embarrassed.

You know your family better than I do, but sometimes people don’t ask knowledgeable or smart individuals questions because they feel overwhelmed by how much the person knows about one topic. I’m not saying that justifies them not asking you about your work, just maybe consider that it’s not about you. They just can’t get past those feelings. A lot of people are much more avoidant than you realize.

[u/NuancedBoulder → u/PieSweet5550]

This this this this this. Youngests sometimes take longer than others to realize that older sibs don’t actually have it all going on — they may have always seemed cool and smart while growing up but that was a vestige of age, not skills or abilities.

Build your tribe of friends and allies and mentors, because family will probably always see you as the youngest child. I’m in my 50s and it still fucking happens. 😆

(I really hate birth order assumptions about studiousness, responsibility, intelligence, and caregiving roles. So exhausting!)

[u/FancyLadyLite → u/NuancedBoulder]

I wanna thank everyone for the support! I feel so heard. In this particular instance this family member brought up her fake vaccine card and basically told me as someone got vaccinated and was eligible for the first round of vaccines due to my health condition I was basically asking for someone bad to happen and I was being negligent by listening to my cardiologist. I chose not really to fight back simply reminding her we live in different worlds and moving the dinner topic to conversation to her current side business.

I know her mom is proud of me and falls into this camp of simply not understanding. However this specific family member gets antagonistic. I should’ve known better to not engaged. I am older now. I should not have gotten baited but I got used to having conversations that steam from curiosity and lack of knowledge. This person is very MAGA and very MAHA and was looking for a fight I think.

We only just recently reconciled within the past 8 months from another unrelated family drama. I forgot how small this person could still make me feel after 8 years of not speaking.

[u/NuancedBoulder → u/FancyLadyLite]

Yeah distancing from those types is a super healthy response. It’s sad, but they are truly toxic at a community and interpersonal level.