r/raisedbynarcissists • u/WhatAWorthlessWorm • 4d ago
[Question] Did anyone else's mom use them as a therapist?
When I was little, my mom would use me as a therapist all the time. Whenever I was home, I was basically an on call psychologist that she had access to at all times. Multiple times a day she would barge into my room and rant about what was bothering her for an hour straight. And if I didn't immediately drop what I was doing and start comforting her, she would get furious.
And she saw absolutely zero problem with this. When people told her she needed to see a therapist, she would literally respond with
"I don't need a therapist, I have my daughter."
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u/ThrowRA-5161200 4d ago
My mum is exactly like this I just made a post and that was part of what I was explaining. It’s exhausting and not appropriate for a mum to use their child as their therapist
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u/According_Bad_2546 4d ago
It messes with your head because you’re a kid and you just want peace but suddenly you’re carrying their emotions it’s draining and definitely not normal parenting
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u/SadPark4078 3d ago
It’s even worse when she’s venting to you about your own father, I really resent her for it
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u/Capital-Squirrel3522 3d ago
Yeah it's terrible and I regret listening to her. My father is my only parent figure now, I just ignore her craziness.
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u/MysteriousFreedom674 4d ago
That’s such a heavy burden to carry as a kid it’s not your job to be her therapist and it’s okay to feel drained by it
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u/Competitive-Table900 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yes. Both of my parents have done this since I was a child, and it made me severely depressed. Of course when they did try therapy for real they both quit after a few weeks. My dad said it was because, “They spoke to me like I was a child.” In my mom’s case, the therapist apparently didn’t do enough for her, and she’s already very self-aware. 🙃 They won’t listen to anyone who disagrees with their narrative.
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u/WhatAWorthlessWorm 4d ago
EXACTLY.
When they come and vent to us, it's not really therapy. All we can do is sit there, nod, and agree with everything they say.
Real therapy might actually entail them having to do some self reflection. It's soooo much easier to just vent to your child for an hour and have them agree with everything you say because they're too scared to do anything else.
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u/ChickenSnizzles 4d ago
This, 100%. My N-mother went through 2yrs of therapy, & then abruptly stopped & wouldn't tell anyone why, when I was a young child. Then, from when I was around 8yo through my teenage years (when I finally made it clear I wanted nothing to do with her), she would come to me to unload & cry about whatever was bothering her (her marriage, attraction to other men besides my father, interpersonal beefs between her & anyone she felt wronged by, etc.). I didn't find out until adulthood that she basically quit therapy as soon as her therapist began asking her what HER role was, in all these conflicts.
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u/Capital-Squirrel3522 3d ago
Sorry to hear that. Only yesterday I thought about how depressed I was all throughout my teens and adulthood. I was the only sibling left at home and I used to have to listen and mediate their disagreements late into the night. Sometimes being dragged out of bed to do it. Afterwards I would self harm in my room. Then wake up and go to college or work like nothing had happened.
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u/Sad_Barracuda_7555 3d ago edited 3d ago
I still vividly remember that either/both N parents basically seethed at pretty much any/everyone who "dared" to disagree with absolutely any part of any narrative that either/both N parents had going on at literally whatever point in time. Their hated of absolutely anyone whom N parents felt "crossed", "thwarted" or otherwise "circumvented" them in absolutely any way shape or form - whatsoever - was spoken to just so dismissively, rudely & abruptly. Almost like most people would imagine that a tyrannical king or other leader would speak to one or more of their subjects" or "lesser thans." N parents were court ordered to participate in an older sibling's drug/mental health treatment back in the mid 1980s. Everything failed spectacularly 8-10 weeks later. Literally every single last thing that our N parents could conceivably imagine &or vomit from their mouths was this particular older sibling's fault. The psychiatrist and their therapy partner ended up & ultimately sent our N parents a company letterhead notice via certified mail that they would no longer be our family's therapist basically because of N parents aggressive and repeated conscious refusal to dig into their/our family & interpersonal dynamics; in order to help effectively/positively resolve [older sibling's] addictions & ongoing mental health issues. The one page word processor typed letter on partnership letterhead was short, concise & 100% professional. It ended by their associate offering to refer our N parents to any psychiatrist/adolescent treatment facility (within NFs employer provided insurance). As predicted, both N parents angrily staunchly refused. In a basically textbook narcissistic injury raging hissy fit manner. Older sibling went on to satisfactorily complete a few more weeks of addiction/mental health hospitalization. Followed by an un-remembered amount of weeks of weekly or biweekly followup treatment. I honestly don't remember anymore. Because all of this took place easily 40 years ago. So a lot of details are hazy at best. Or completely unknown. But yep. Family therapy utterly failed with N parents personal involvement. They absolutely militantly stiff lipped refused - in absolutely any way shape or form, to be held personally accountable... Much less held personally responsible. As I shared earlier in another Raised By Narcissists topic, if DARVO were a sport, seriously, our N parents would be Olympic level fucking champions. To be brutally honest, I have not personally experienced 2 grown ass adults - NF & definitely NM - who can/did/do DARVO on the level, width, depth, breath & intensity that these monsters have. Almost any &or every single thing they said AND/OR did... Seemed like it was stolen directly from the pages of an invisible "Narcissist's Manual", "playbook" or something like that. N parents ability to DARVO so seemingly completely effortlessly. And with equally seemingly pinpoint precision accuracy. Is legit haunting. And frightening. Likewise, it's also my understanding that NM was "fired" or otherwise permanently let go from at least two different licensed behavioral professionals in the early to mid-ish 1990s. And yep. For the same exact reasons as with an older sibling's addiction treatment in the mid 80s: Nothing, repeat, absolutely NO THING - WHATSOEVER - was or is N parents personal fault. Literally, like, EVER 😒 The sheer amount of precious time as well as hard earned money that N parents absolutely just completely pissed away over the years.. Is still just so completely wild to me. Their entrenched malignant mind boggling sense of self importance, entitlement & selfishness. All righteously earned them professional letters quitting the N parents services, due to N parents intentionally stiff necked refusal to so much as do the absolute bare minimal amount of both introspection as well as willingly participate positively in family therapy. Apparently individual therapy &or Psychiatric help for NM in the 90s was every bit a disastrous shit show as the decade before. And just like older sibling's addiction treatment in the mid 80s, absolutely nothing whatsoever was N parents fault. Literally, like, ever. The money these cancerously self absorbed monsters pissed away in the years before NF completely checked out of the family. And ultimately died almost 26 years ago.. Could've extremely easily provided both N parents with relatively comfortable retirement years. Completely regardless of whether or not they remained together, separated or divorced. N parents seemed to treat money like the typical little kid in a candy store or something. I'd say that N parents spent money on themselves & all kinds of stupid shit... Like a couple of drunken sailors. But drunken sailors stop spending money when they part with their last/final dollar. They then drag their drunk ass back to the ship or barracks. And choose to learn live within their financial means. Our N parents? Disgustingly, not so much 😑 But yep. Both N parents absolutely viscerally hated any licensed behavioral therapist who wouldn't tolerate their bullshit. I'm still just so flabbergasted. Silently remembering so many things & experiences. No wonder the overwhelming majority of elderly narcs die literally usually completely alone. The unimaginable spiritual damage & utter wholesale damage that these monsters so knee jerk gleefully inflict. Is genuinely nothing short of absolutely mind boggling. And unimaginably traumatic for almost all survivors. I'm truly so sorry. ((gentle virtual hug)) from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🫂
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u/Soggy_Document202 4d ago
Is this what emotional incest is? Like they treat u like their support or spouse rather than child.
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u/optimistic69er 4d ago
This. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to know the intimate details of my parent’s swinging life style until my therapist helped me tease through all the trauma.
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u/mewchiii 4d ago
Yep. Finally have a term for it now. I was my parent’s marriage therapist starting age 9 and knew all the details of their sexual and interpersonal life. Disgusting.
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u/Capital-Squirrel3522 3d ago edited 3d ago
Same here. It's uncanny how similar our experiences are with n parents 😵💫
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u/mewchiii 2d ago
it’s like they all read from the same textbook lmao. it’s both sad yet relieving that we’re able to relate to one another. people who haven’t experienced it cannot wrap their minds around it. wishing you love and healing on your life path 🩷
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u/ConferenceVirtual690 4d ago
Yes since my dad passed away two years ago and Im tired of it. Thats what talking to someone in mental health is for.. Im sick of being drained, the same ole stories and her getting inappropriate as in that was the only man she slept with and called me easy as Ive been with more than one person. If I talked to her about all the ex's Ive been with and she would tell me to stop talking about it thats how I feel with these stories and her Worst worst pain ever that I hear over and over. Im drained and she needs mental help.
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u/Sad_Barracuda_7555 3d ago
In a nutshell, pretty much and sadly, yes. Just Google or look up narcissists & emotional incest on YouTube. Kim Saeed, Dr. Ramani, The Little Shaman, Begood4000 & the Enlightened Target as well as Narc Survivor, all have tons of free self help videos. All can be had in one's native language. And absolutely none of these individuals use "legalese", "medicalese" or other difficult to understand/follow language. All are completely easy to understand & learn from. I highly recommend these videos especially for our fellow survivors who, for whatever reasons, have no insurance. Or they live on a fixed income. Or have no access to therapy & help outside of, say, a cellphone, tablet or other easily portable secure electronic device. For numerous valid as well as dumber reasons/excuses, I live on a fixed income. I'm dependent largely on my spouse's assistance. And whatever good graces, extremely limited [money] assistance or help offered by the extremely few extended family that I still have left. And are able & genuinely want to occasionally help me out. I'm all too silently aware that I was not born into my extended family's level of both normalcy as well as financial privilege. I do my genuine level best to always keep this foremost in mind; whenever I've had to - or even quietly contemplated - asking for help with, say, an unpayable medical bill, ride across town to an appointment or something similar. I've absolutely never, in well over a decade now, remotely taken malicious advantage of any of the kindness extended family has shown to/towards me. I'm too old. Too life aware. And simply too emotionally fucked up. To even remotely want to play with anyone else's feelings & definitely not their hard earned money or kindness. And certainly not anywhere remotely on the level, intensity & absolutely unmistakable almost clinical calculation that my N parents did. But yes. What your asked, is basically THE working definition of the term "emotional incest." As the old saying goes, ask me how I know. Sadly both my personal experiences and story are no different than anyone else's here. These N parents are legit some sick twisted low level demons in human bodies. I'm truly so sorry. ((gentle virtual hugs)) from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
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u/LMO_TheBeginning 4d ago
Yes.
This is called parentification. I only learned of the word last year but it makes total sense.
Mom, I wasn't your parent. I wasn't your surrogate spouse.
I was supposed to be your child and not carry your burdens.
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u/Angsty_Potatos 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm an oldest daughter. I've been my mom's psychoanalyst since before I can remember 🫠
I remember counseling my mom thru a spat with her siblings once over some money issues when I was like 12. I remember thinking that it was pretty wild that she was trusting a 12 year old to council her thru some complicated family financial shit 🫠
37 now and I still get phone calls where she wants to talk about subjects that are wildly inappropriate to ask your own child to guide you through. I re direct her to her therapist with middling success.
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u/Healing-with-Memes 4d ago
Not really a therapist, but she'd yell at me about how she hated my dad and that if she had enough money or no kids, she'd leave him. This started from around when I was 8 I think.
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u/RandomRockCollector 4d ago edited 3d ago
Yes, my mother would pick my younger gc sister ***and I up from school and she would immediately talk about her work, how much it stresses her out, and how much she wishes she could just up and quit, then uses us as a way to guilt us about existing and taking up time, space, energy, and resources. She wouldn't really listen to anything we would say during her rants, but especially not anything I would say. She just expected me to be silent and just listen to every rant about work she'd have.
My father would do similar things too, but he would also be much more violent in his rants, causing arguments and prodding at points that he knew I would argue back at, or just refute what he would say, or even if I would just tell him to stop and leave me alone.
They would both enable each other in these ways, and were kind of perfect (but also definitely probably should have had a divorce at the same time because my father is completely a man-child, tantrums and all, but my mother isn't much better just because she's the type to just make it other people's problems). My parents are also of the opinion that they don't need therapy and that "therapy isn't something that normal people need"; they have very antiquated views of the world and it's been quite hard to still be living with them as a 24-year-old.
***edit: meant to say *my younger gc sister & I got picked up after school
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u/ready_gi 4d ago
im sorry, i've experienced the same thing. didnt realize how deeply harmful her constant self-centerdness and complaining was and stressed me out so much. like bruh, you're damn 35yo woman and can't sort out your shit, yet asking a 10 year old for a solution?? It's so harmful in so many ways and it conditioned me to be such a people pleaser and fawner and i still strugle with that.
The other problem this brings is that nobody ever listened to US. Like nobody paid attention to my problems, my world, my needs, thoughts and feelings and that's just such a cruel abuse towards a child.
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u/RandomRockCollector 3d ago
Yes, exactly. My parents would've been about 45 when I was ten, as they had kids when they were older due to traveling and other random stuff they wanted to do before having kids.
It absolutely contributed to my fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses, and my people pleasing tendencies too, which I've also always struggled with. My parents also never really listened to me, even though sometimes the acted like they did (but often only in public places or school, etc, so their reputations would be "flawless"). My parents have *still* downplayed everything medical related to me, including recurring issues over both the past decade and the past three or so years. It really sucks, and 'm sorry you've been through it too.
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u/noriobobo 4d ago
Yep. Starting when I was very young (6?) my ndad used me to regulate his emotions, mostly by demeaning and raging at me. When I became an actual psychologist it shifted to explicit emotional incest with him seeking my support in his miserable marriage (to the woman he cheated on my mom with) and telling me details of their sex lives and his affair with someone new. He is a cheater and liar and a man who hates women and he made me complicit in his most recent betrayals. I’ve been nc for almost 6 years and the longer I’m away from his dysfunction the more clearly I see how fucked up it was.
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u/sheep_ersisted 4d ago
Yes. It was so damaging. She shared so many “secrets” about how my father treated her, and asked me to keep quiet. It was too much, too early, my earliest memories of this were as young as five years old.
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u/Didntwakeuprich 4d ago
Therapist? not until I was an adult, until then I was a slave. When I became an adult I was all of a sudden her new bestie. I noped out as fast as I could. Wouldn't go home until I absolutely had to not be reported missing
God help me I know about their sex life. There is not enough brain bleach for that one
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u/TheRealMDooles11 4d ago
Yep, from the time I was 5 probably? She couldn't keep actual friends either, so I was a surrogate friend, mother, therapist- you name it. It took me a long time to untangle that one.
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u/untakentakenusername 4d ago
Yes.
She still does this. Ugh. She'll complain n sometimes say all kinds of things. Im now like
Look mom im 33 n pregnant im not your therapist.
I need to sign her up for one tho
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u/UghIHatePolitics 4d ago
Opposite, equally damaging from the other extreme. My mother studied psychology at a community college. She did not go on to graduate, and never got a degree in psychology, but from then on she knew everything there was to know about it. She would analyze and advise and try to fix everybody, especially me. Even professionals don’t practice on their own family members, but she had a lot to say about what was wrong in my head and how I should fix it.
Any time she herself ended up in a therapist’s office, her game was to show that therapist she knew as much as they did, and try to get them to say something she could interpret as, “You don’t need me.” Of course, any therapist is going to tell a know-it-all client, “You don’t need me.” But that doesn’t mean nothing is wrong and you don’t have anything you need to work on. It means, it wouldn’t do any good as long as you’re in the mindset that you know as much as the therapist does.
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u/aoibhealfae 4d ago
Yes. Narcissitic projections. Or as I called it, emotional punching bag or trash bag. She called it her talking time.. and does it with my late grandmother when she was alive until dementia. Then she groomed my narc sister and have her afternoon talk time to project and share their emotions to boost their egos and such. And then when it got a bit too much or if there's news and such... she go to my room and started to vent and expect me to listen to nod along and be agreeable. Sometimes it drags on for hours and she needed a living person to talk at.... and it shuffle between my other siblings too. It didn't occur to her at all that this was abnormal, she just want to vent out what she felt as important and need someone to agree with her.
I am not build to be a living wall for her. When I vent, I usually think and have retrospection and introspection. I use words, I debate with myself, I argue points and such.. these are normal things with me who like having engaging discussions.... when I want to have conversation, it's between people, I wanted to hear people's perspectives, their input,.... but she viewed this as being confrontative, being stubborn, not being obedient. She just want to "talk" and pouted and grumbled when I start to glaze through and lost interest in her words... like she said the most onerous things (politics, gossips, shitting on family and such) and I really have no time or brain cells to accommodate to her. She just want agreeableness and being anything less was disrespect to her as a mother. Guilttripping. Emotional bribery.
She doesn't view that I deserve to have a mind of my own.. she just think whatever it was just embarrassing her, and not reflecting herself back and not contributing to her wants and needs. I am so burnt out and... I almost had this again a few times when she wrangled some family time with me (last January and then Eid in April). Now I realize she just want to reassure herself that I remain her supply and feel anxious and unsettled now that I decided to estrange and not communicating with her and ignoring her messages. I really don't want to be immature myself and avoiding my mother this way but.... I live exclusively with her for over a decade instead of continuing with my life and future, and there's nothing left for me to do except to care for myself. Like all these was rumination of what I endured for years and realizing this was a form abuse was heartbreaking.
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u/SpaceTall2312 4d ago
I'm really ashamed to admit that when I was younger I used literally everyone as an unpaid therapist. I am horrified looking back. I had severe CPTSD and was really struggling most of the time. I had few inner resources, and couldn't trust my ability to make my own decisions. No wonder people ran a mile. Ugh.
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u/kaytooslider 4d ago
You were hurt and struggling. You didn't do it with malicious intent, and you've learned since that that was harmful and changed your behavior. You should be proud of how far you've come. Try and give yourself a little grace 🩷
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u/SpaceTall2312 4d ago
Thanks - that's very kind of you to say so. Sometimes I catch myself falling back into old, bad habits but I do try not to these days!
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u/PumpknPieLickr 3d ago
I can relate, and I'm certain this is common. It's survival. We didn't do it to manipulate people for our own purposes. We just were at a place where we needed more emotional support than was readily available to us at that time, so we gripped onto whoever we had. Let yourself off the hook, I'm sure those people already did.
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u/SpaceTall2312 3d ago
Thanks for that. No, I wasn't trying to hurt or manipulate people. I was desperate for help. I grew up in an emotionally dysregulated household and never learned how to manage my emotions properly. In fact, my job was to manage Mother's emotions for her, very much at the expense of my own.
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u/Lower_Cat_8145 4d ago
My mom asked me when I was under 10 years old (maybe 8 years old) if she should get a divorce from my dad. She was sobbing and demanding an answer from me. I remember telling her I was just a kid and didn't know. She kept demanding I answer. Then I can't remember what I ended up telling her. I feel bad for my 8 year old self. 😢Why does she want me to be her mom?!?! This is why I never had kids. I was absolutely exhausted from being a parent. I actually told her I wasn't her mom right before I went no contact and she had absolutely no understanding of what I was saying. It still felt good to say that though.
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u/Important_Employee_4 1d ago
My mom did something very similar when I was maybe 12. Except she wasn't crying, just very casually said she was thinking about "kicking your Dad out of the house" and wanted to know if I thought it was a good idea. When I didn't say anything(out of shock I think) she gets frustrated and tries to make it like it's something she's doing for me. She said: Come on, you don't even like the guy, you're always arguing with him! I guess Didn't know that, but ok. Then proceeds to tell me how hard it will be on my younger sister if she did kick him out and she feels bad for making her go through that. No mention of what I'll go through though of course
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u/Lower_Cat_8145 17h ago
Wow. These people are so selfish. They don't ever think about how what they are saying hurts you. It's sad and anger-inducing at the same time.
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u/DitzyOrchid 4d ago
Yep I was her therapist from age 6, personal masseuse from age 3, maid and babysitter from age 8 and personal punching bag/barbie doll from birth up until 3 years ago. Probably not healthy but I might set a Google alert for her obituary so I don't have to break no contact to find out and finally feel unburdened of her.
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u/furrydancingalien21 4d ago
Thus resonates so much. Even the masseuse part. Why pay for anything when my child labour was right there?
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u/Swimming_Juice_9752 4d ago
Constantly - and it was big factor when I went NC (finally) at the age of 43. I’m the eldest. It was so incredibly out of control. And I live a four hour flight away from her! The drunk dials alone were too much…but when she’d have a complete breakdown AND treat my partner as her therapist when visiting was the final straw. Well, it was final straw when she did it like the 20th time.
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u/Charming_Moment_3998 4d ago
Oh yes. My mom used me as a therapist from the time I was about 10 or 11. I knew all about my parents sex life and financial situation. It was so awkward and uncomfortable for me
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u/NeverendingStory3339 4d ago
I was a couples therapist. As soon as we got a phone that could do this, I acquired an unofficial job translating her nasty, epithet-filled messages to my dad either in texts or during three-way calls.
My mother is also one of those rare narcissists who has seen a counsellor. Note that I specify counsellor. She just wanted someone to sympathise while she lied to them for hours. She went to a few sessions of couples therapy but decided it was pointless when the therapist refused to just join her side and start berating my dad.
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u/gabz09 4d ago
Yes. I can remember being in primary school and she vented to me about how one of my friends mum was apparently being mean to her and the polite thing to do would be to invite someone in for a cuppa when they're picking up their kid from their house.
Stupid little things like that, which developed into much darker things as I got older
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u/RedoftheEvilDead 4d ago
And her favorite cuddly toy until I started feeling uncomfortable with being touched.
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u/birdlord_d 4d ago
Yes. But it was always about my dad (they were not divorced). Not only did I serve as therapist since I was a child until he died, I also had to hide things from him for her that we're potentially argument starters (i.e. credit card bill). I used to BEG her to talk to.someone else but her answer always was no one else could understand. It is a heavy burden. Now, I serve as therapist for her on my brother. It also puts me in a bad spot. She shifts her anger about him to me and leaves me holding the anger for her. This is not normal.
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u/cutiepi514 4d ago
I can’t remember a time where my NMom hasn’t done this. She would constantly put my father down to me and call him a drunk (which he was), how he tried to kill her so many times that I lost count, how he cheated on her and had another child with this woman (could never confirm this but after 40 something years this mystery child has never once made an appearance). And that was all before I turned 10. As I got older it was how her and my dad had no sex life together, how my dad was a functioning alcoholic ( to be fair he never not worked and fully supported my NMom so she never worked a day in my life.) who now was still abusing her, but it was mental abuse now). On the rare occasions I do speak to her now it’s still to complain about how horrible her life is now, how horrible her life was for the past 40 years, and how she never should have stayed with my dad.
As I got older and started disagreeing with her views of the world and her views of my dad she would call me aggressive and argumentative. When I would tell her that I didn’t want to hear what she was saying her response is that “ I’m just talking out loud” or “I can talk in my own house”.
She did see a counselor (not a therapist) for about a year in the late 90s. I now realize she stopped going to her when the counselor stopped agreeing with her and told her if she was so unhappy in her marriage then she needed to file for divorce.
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u/JLB415 4d ago
Happened to me a lot too, and called me her “best friend” which put further pressure on me.
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u/kaytooslider 4d ago
This right here. Or, "you're the only person I can talk to." Like, thanks I guess, but I'm literally 7 years old and didnt ask for this.
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u/greeneggs_and_hamlet 4d ago
Narcs love a captive audience. They’ll take advantage of anyone who can’t fight back or tell them “no.”
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u/standcam 4d ago
Yes, yes, heck yes. Every time she had conflict with anyone I had to listen to her problems. And if I didn't agree with her on the spot, hell would unleash - I'd be called every name in the book, have to suffer an eternal lecture from her dad/her friends about how disrespectful and horrible I was being and endure a silent treatment for god knows how long (while she sent those flying monkeys at me.)
One time she called me at work and got angry because I only answered on the 5th ring due to being in an important meeting. Then someone had the nerve to hand me a document and she completely flipped. Spent the rest of the day blocking numbers and endless calls from her friends/my granddad just so that I could work for 10 minutes.
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u/JCat2586 4d ago
Oh my goodness YES. Knowing I was the only non-narc in our family, I was looked to for therapy. Of course, no one ever took my advice 😂 Such a relief once I went NC.
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u/BurningPenguin 4d ago
Yes. It started when i was somewhere between 10-12. She'd unload all her problems onto me, and that kept happening until very recently - i'm in my thirties now. Just last month i didn't answer one of her "foot in the door" sms, and her late night calls, because i couldn't take that shit anymore. Her reaction to that was blowing up my landline and mobile over the following weekend and send 5 gps tracking requests. With that, she gave me enough reason to cut contact entirely. I was already low contact, but that was out of proportion even for her.
She had multiple psychologists and doctors diagnose quite literally the very same disorders, and she kept running away from them whenever they did. Because in her mind, they're all "incompetent" and "don't know what she had to endure".
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u/Affectionate-Coat928 4d ago
Omg I’m sorry you have to go through this. I have literally been going through this with my mom my entire life. Since I was a child I would have to drop everything I was doing to pay attention to her and whatever she wants to unload onto me.!
This wasn’t just me being her therapist it also turned me into a people pleaser.! I had no one to talk to but I was the person everyone could unload onto.! My mother even now will call and just start talking for hours and anytime I divert from the conversation by talking to my tiny human she gets upset and wants to get off of the phone because I’m not paying close enough attention to her.!
She now calls me the social worker of the world.!
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u/mystical-blackcat 4d ago
“I don’t have a therapist, I have my daughter” I wonder how they reacted. If my friend said those words and treated their kid like a therapist then I wouldn’t want to be friends with them.
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u/Iamthefemale 4d ago
She would come into my bed at night & keep me awake for hours crying about how terrible her life is. Every moment she could get me alone was another moment she could release on me. As a child I gave her one of my dolls and told her to talk to the doll and work it out yourself, it's what I have to do.
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u/GollyismyLolly 3d ago
Yup. It wasn't inside, though. She'd make me go sit on the back porch while she chain smoked and chain drank.
Progressively she'd go from complaining about work/people at work/her friends or lack of them....to adult problems to how much she hated me and being a mom and woukd turn to vitriol on wishing id never been born.
Unfortunately never stopped, not even when my grandparent moved in. I'm pretty sure he put a timer on when he realised what was happening with that (and not "mommy and kiddo time" like she tried claiming) because he'd eventually pop out and say he needed my help with whatever he was doing.
Sadly I know it happened to my immediate sibling too and he couldn't claim he needed us both all the time because she'd get pissed about "missing out on mommy and me" time. Even though we were never allowed to actually sya anything about our days, life or struggles. Mostly cause "you dont have them and cant know what those are. Your not a parent and you dont work."
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u/Altruistic_Proof_272 3d ago
Yes. I knew about the fact that my mom was molested by her older (male) cousin since I was about 7 and that she was resentful of my dad for having Ed since about then too. As an adult I realized that part of her problem with intimacy was how emotionally abusive she was towards him and how everything had to be 100% what she wanted
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u/Voltaire_747 4d ago
“Please don’t let me date abusive ex I don’t care what you need to do don’t let me do this to myself”
“Please can’t I just give him one more chance?”
Psychotic
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u/samiDEE1 4d ago
Yup. My mum repeatedly found random men on the street and moved them in with us same day. So I, a twelve year old girl, would come home to a random man I don't know who just lives with us now. Then, when they weren't eternally grateful and expressing this through constantly doing things to help her, she would complain to me about them living with us. And repeat.
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u/Adventurous-Sun-8840 4d ago
Yes. As a therapist, as a friend, as a husband, as a coach, as a pillow you scream into... I was a jack of all trades by age of 5.
- I am thinking of divorcing your father.
- I am 11, you should talk to someone else.
She cries
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u/0815Individuum 4d ago
Oh yes. She ranted about my father and always painted herself as the poor victim. As a kid, I didn‘t only settle their disputes, she regularly slept in my bedroom when she had another dispute with him. She also told us kids that she‘d leave him if she didn‘t have kids and how hard it is financially and how good of a man he was before marriage etc. She still complains about him, keeps secrets from him and tells us about them and still sees herself as the poor victim who is trapped by him. Glad I went NC. Just thinking about her manipulative ways makes me angry.
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u/QueenOfSweetTreats 4d ago
Yes! I was her confidante, therapist, whatever you want to call it. I heard things no person should ever have to hear, I was under so much stress worrying about her all the time. It’s exhausting.
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u/VodkaSoup_Mug 4d ago
My mom used to try this with me and my brother tries to as well. Stop letting them use you as they’re dumping ground for their emotional issues. Do they give you any emotional support ? When they try simply in the conversation and tell them they need to go to therapy you can’t help them.
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u/ElizaJaneVegas 4d ago
I was the therapist and life coach. She thought going to therapy was ‘buying a friend.’
And people wonder why I am CF. I was an exhausted, overwhelmed child, teenager, young adult and adult always expected to fix her, calm her down, soothe her. I parented my parent for decades.
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u/SuggestionJolly492 3d ago
"I don't need a therapist, I have my daughter."
In all ways except physical, I just went "Ewww" SO LOUDLY. (Lolll.)
For whatever it might be worth :
Did anyone else's mom use them as a therapist?
Yep. & since, unfortunately, I'm still stuck living with her, she still gets the occasional opportunity to [try to] keep doing it to me.
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u/merc0526 4d ago
I don't know if it counts as being her therapist, but my enabler mum used to vent to me about all the annoying and mean things my nfather said or did. I was probably about 12 or 13 by the time she started doing this, so maybe she thought I was old enougn to understand, but it still wasn't fair for her to put that sort of thing on me when I was still a kid.
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u/Fantastic-Heat6394 4d ago
Remember that with a narc mom everything is a game and a delusion. If it feels like she is using you as a therapist it is likely a coping mechanism you have developed to not have to address the abuse that it actually is taking place during the rants. Her rants to you were merely a performance. something to make her mask feel real. usually when narcs go on long rants it is to test you to see how aware and how awake you have become and to illicit a reaction out of you. It's like how people will test the water before bathing to make sure its not too hot. The narcs are doing the exact same thing but with soul of people.
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u/ElizaJane251 4d ago
Story of my life. It's amazing how distorted the narc view of parenthood is - that the child exists to support them, rather than the other way around.
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u/Berrito08 4d ago
Yes. She still does. I have told her a therapist would benefit her greatly and she was not happy with that. I told my grandma and she said "well, everybody needs someone to talk to" GREAT. MAYBE NOT YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER THOUGH.
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u/PlentyIndividual3168 3d ago
Yes. It's how I found out about her affairs when I was 10. Of course she blamed my father for lack of intimacy, flat out told me he was impotent.
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u/DaylightHappiness 4d ago
Yep, my childhood psychiatrist saw it right away aswell and told me it isn't normal, actually
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u/bbitb 4d ago
Yes. Every day I have to listen to my mom rant about her job, she only has to go 2 or 3 times a week and you would think there's no way she could find things to complain about when she has most of the week for herself but she does. This job she has is the most tame but she always finds little things to complain about and loves to shit talk her boss and constantly says that her business will fail. Her biggest problem with her boss is that she doesn't want to be friends with her. My dad literally doesn't talk to me and gets angry when my mom tells these things to him, so there's only me.
I told mom she should go to therapy because her childhood was fucked up but her explanation: I don't need therapy, I have God!
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u/CheekyHerbivore 4d ago edited 4d ago
I was! My mom wanted everyone to think her family was perfect and she was well taken care of when this couldn’t be further from the truth. She wont let herself go to therapy because then she would have to tell someone her family isn’t perfect and her husband has abused her for decades.
She cant let go of the facade because that’s more important than anything to her. So what does she do when she understandably has bad mental health? She dumped all her feelings on her least favorite kid, me. She would have mini breakdowns, and scream and cry at me since I was barely 5 years old, up until i moved out.
She would scream about how her childhood was worse than mine so i shouldn’t complain. How her mother was jealous of her and her relationship with her daddy. She would cry that her mother wasn’t nice to her and loved her older sister better. Which…Lmaoooooo at that last part because she told me she doesn’t love me(the oldest, like her sister who “stole” attention) and loves her son(the youngest, just like her. ) that she projects her feelings on. Mom would scream at me and blame me for nobody appreciating her enough. She said i was a terrible child and the reason her life was bad. She screamed that I was the reason she was having a suicide attempt when I was only 5 years old. She always said I was stupid for disliking school when she loved school because it got her out of her house and away from her mother.
I was a child sitting on all this and trying to come to terms with my own abuse by her husband’s hands that I wasn’t allowed to talk about and when I did, my mom would prevent me from getting help by saying that I’m lying about “daddy” (her new daddy/husband used to replace her real father who died) for no reason.
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u/singerlinger 4d ago
Yup! She would keep me up until the wee hours of the morning to complain-and do nothing- about her life. I was literally in elementary school hearing about her abusive father, my alcoholic impotent father, her terrible no good family and awful job.
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u/Sufficient_Banana755 2d ago
Why is this word for word my childhood lol Plus cherry on top one minute she'd be crying about my alcoholic father and the next would rage at me calling me my father's spawn..I was in primary school..good times
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u/wolfhybred1994 4d ago
Mom, dad and even their youngest son for a while. Till I realized they weren’t “working on teaching him to be a decent human and just using me calming him down to avoid being parents”. Then I stopped helping all together and he has since made their life a living nightmare expecting pampering and catering.
They have begged me to go back to calming him down and making him easier to deal with. Yet after they tried to give him all my renovation work in the basement after he broke down the door to my room and they helped him load my stuff up to sell cause they “didn’t realize the stuff in the space they gave me behind a locked door that was busted down” was not his stuff. Cause he said it was.
And me getting outside help to salvage what I could of my belongings from the space, remove my renovations (sold the materials to my older brother for his house) and canceled the electrician, carpenter and plumber I lined up to redo the whole basement.
I have not said one word to him. I am respectable. I will be in the same room. Ride in the car with him and such when they drag us all places, but no words. He can’t see why I have any reason at all to be mad at him and they still once and a great while try to bring up the idea of talking to him. Well watching their groaning of the suffering he causes them and offering none of the help they want to hear nothing about is its own reward if I am gonna be stuck living here.
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u/Aquasabiha 4d ago
Yup, Nmom would tell me everything. Until, when I was 17, a psychic told her she shouldn't tell me so much. She came straight back and told me all about it and asked what I thought. I said that the psychic was probably right. She said Hunh.
And so began a year or so of blissful ignorance, aided and abetted by my leaving for university during that time.
I'm still grateful to that unknown psychic, wherever she may be.
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u/knightdream79 4d ago
Yes, hello. She only stopped when I pushed back at age 45, after my father died. She hated that a LOT. Now she does it to my brother.
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u/purplemoonmom 4d ago
I was a sophomore in high school and my mom told me my dad was having an affair with a girl two years older than me in my high school. She used to talk to me about it all the time after my dad would leave for work (he was a town cop). I stopped talking to my father because that’s what you did in my FOO. My mother told my father that I was made at him because I found out he was having an affair and he swore to me that he wasn’t. They are both so dysfunctional that to this day I don’t know which one I believe.
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u/Dracul-aura 4d ago
Did we have the same mom??? One time, when I was around 8 years old on a school night, my mom kept emotionally dumping all her stuff and I fell asleep of course, the next morning she was angry I fell asleep! Still blows my mind she did that
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u/33darkhorse 4d ago
Sort of. She loved to gossip to me. I was about 11 and she asked “do you want to hear about my new boyfriend?” She was very excited like a high school girl. Was weird since she had been married to my step dad for like 7 years. And were “together’ until he died. She was a big time ho.
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u/getoutmywayatonce 4d ago
🥲 take this virtual hug friend! This sounds like a monumental burden, I’ve struggled with friends treating me like this as an adult so can’t imagine how much that absolutely sucked from your mom as a young child. I got the other flavour of narc who shared nothing and was unbelievably cagey. I don’t think she would have told me honestly what she’d had for lunch on any given day.
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u/Fire-Fly86 4d ago
Still does. Comes over. Sits in my spot. Asks me to get her water. Rants for two complete hours about how much she hates my dad, and my sister etc. I can’t get anything in or else she gives me a look like, I’m the one talking here. I just nod & keep quiet until she’s finished & feels she has completed her session. Then she just leaves. “Well, Sorry to barge in” Omg it’s a lot.
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u/curlyhairweirdo 4d ago
My mom used to make me go on car rides with her so she could complain about my stepdad and her bf.
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u/Isleyexotics 4d ago
Omg yes!!! My mom is constantly complaining about my sister to me, as if I don’t have skin in this game.
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u/multi-97 4d ago
Mine does this when drunk. She just unloads her problems on me, it's why I hate when she drags me out to go drinking with her. It's always a very gloomy time, we both end up in tears. Its also the only time where she lets her guard down and doesn't make fun of me or belittle me as much, so we can actually talk. No biting comments, just talking like regular people. But I hate how she refuses to go to a therapist, my heart broke for both of us when she told me
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u/itoousethetoilet 4d ago
My nsister does, and so does my dad who im not convinced is narc but is married to my nmother.
However, my nmom specifically refused to open up about nearly anything. God forbid we talk things through. Instead her form of therapy was rage therapy and projection on me and my sister and my dad.
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u/WhovianScaper 3d ago
Yep, and when I tried to put up any boundaries she promptly bulldozed them, summoned the flying monkeys, and then I became the problem. She was so exhausting.
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u/Onlyrobnyc 3d ago
Yes! My mom did this to me all the time and it was Emotionally draining. She would complain about her job, her peers, my Dad. Literally anything and everything. And every time I always had to pretend to pay attention to her while at the same time disconnecting from the conversation not even 2minutes in. It was always so exhausting which is why hated being in at the house.
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u/mewbloods 3d ago
Sorry you had to deal with all of that, you're definitely not alone. My mom would do this a little bit but not as much as my dad. He has some of the most messed up trauma imaginable and being told those things and having to scrounge up advice as a 10 year old is still something that sticks with me. He's done stupid things and i've given him advice on what to do and when he doesn't take it he blames me for not doing enough anyway.
Haven't talked to him in about 3 years and gonna keep it that way until he gets a real therapist that can actually give him guidance.
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u/freddysweetcakes 3d ago
After my parents split, Ndad would call me crying all the time to talk about his pain and how evil my mom was. He’d say things like “I don’t want to live anymore” so that I could not ever stop the conversation. (I was 18)
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u/Agreeable_Mirror_702 3d ago
Yes but she had no one else to go to. My father isolated her from family and friends.
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u/Background-Pin-1307 3d ago
Yes! But my mom was the BPD one of my parents, dad was the narcissist. My mom used me as a therapist for literally everything for as long as I can remember. Like, she asked me if they should file for bankruptcy when I was in 2nd grade and I had to ask her to explain it to me so I could try to help her. By 4th grade she was asking me if she should file for divorce. And it only snowballed. I’m 40 now and my actual therapist has given me the tools to break out of the cycle, and my mom is straight up not having a good time. She’s leaned back on her (one and only) and even resorted to calling my dad (the ex husband she didn’t end up divorcing until I was 18) and asked him for advice about her current narcissistic boyfriend. It’s wild but I’m glad to not feel totally responsible for her well being anymore
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u/knitted-jelly-bean 3d ago
I'm still in the fog a bit. Please would someone explain why it's wrong to use an adult child as a therapist/ emotional garbage dump? And what's the difference between this and just asking an adult child for help? Thanks.
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u/mentalisttraceur 3d ago
In short, it's wrong to use anyone as a therapist if they didn't sign up for it or can't easily stop/reject the interaction.
Substantial engagement with someone else's issues is huge emotional and intellectual labor. (It is considered best practice for therapists to go to a therapist themselves, just to unload and clean all the emotional strain they pick up while providing therapy.)
Healthy friends and family do that for each other on exceptional occasions, or to a lesser extent and within limits maintained by healthy boundaries.
And the relative distance/detachment is part of what keeps therapy healthy for the therapist. The burden is far greater when you have an intimate connection and your own emotional well-being/safety/etc with the person who's dumping their issues/emotions on you. A therapist gets to go home to a life and family which is not affected by your problems - a child doesn't have the same luxury (if mom's cheating on dad and she tells her adult child, that child cannot step away and compartmentalize the same way as a therapist can, because no matter how it plays out, it affects people that child personally cares about, and the child shouldn't have to be put into that position).
Finally, it fucks with the healthy boundaries and normal emotions that you'd get in a normal human connection, because "using someone as a therapist" usually looks like a one-sided deep-diving, resulting in the therapistified person learning all sorts of things that would be TMI in a normal relationship.
Asking for help, crucially, starts with asking, and when done right, an ask sets accurate expectations, so that the person is actually agreeing to the help they're signing up for. If the help looks therapy-like, a responsible mature healthy adult recognizes this and makes it clear in the request.
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u/Effrijim 3d ago
My mother parentified my sisters and I. She still parentifies my older sister, but I have gone no contact.
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u/eastbaybruja 3d ago
Thank you for posting this. I feel like I needed the reality check. God knows I have loads of issues from my mom. Despite that, I’ve managed to raise a brilliant daughter of my own. I feel like I’ve spent much of my parenting hyper vigilant to not repeat my mom’s behavior. But I may have also over shared.
Yesterday I was telling my kid about a recurring dream I’ve been having about my mom. She listened politely and then said, “Maybe you should find someone you can talk to about that.” I told her she was probably right and then changed the subject.
But once I got to bed, I couldn’t stop thinking of her comment. It was clearly loaded with “please don’t ask me to solve your problems” energy. Need to find me a therapist. Not my kid’s job for sure.
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u/PumpknPieLickr 3d ago
Yes! I've been parenting my Nmom since the day I walked in on her in her bathroom. She was crying and then started telling me she wanted to kill herself. I was 7.
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u/Radio_Mime 3d ago
My mom did this and never did fully understand how inappropriate it was. It especially bothered me when she repeatedly complained about things that she did nothing about.
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u/Sad_Barracuda_7555 3d ago edited 3d ago
Chiming in to say that I still vividly remember basically the absolute only time that NM ever, repeat, ever attempted to use me as her personal "therapist." I was 20ish years old. I sat at one end of N parents ridiculously large clunky outdated sofa. I quietly listened to everything that NM said. Every word that came out of her mouth. To be brutally honest, almost every single last word that NM uttered seemed so...contrived. Seriously, contrived - or scripted - is still, almost 34 years later, is the most articulate adjective that I can objectively come up with; to adequately describe NMs words. Idk if NM was legitimately trauma dumping. Or if she was high or otherwise strung out on Rx or street pills or whatnot. But NMs words seemed - and unmistakably - came across my ears (and brain) as just so contrived. Like, why then? Why, of all times, now?? It was all I could do. To sit there almost perfectly still. Sitting easily 2 or 3 standard size sofa cushions away. And listen to NM tell me that a still unnnamed/unidentified [maternal] "uncle" allegedly SAd her as either a preteen or young teenager. I still vividly remember - over 3+ decades now - feeling like both my back & ass were glued to the couch cushion I was sitting on. I felt so transfixed. Like I was unable to physically move. I sat there with this completely bewildered look on my face. I looked directly at NM. In a calm detached voice, I vividly remember asking NM "Why are you telling me this now? As to Idk, years ago maybe telling grandma & grandpa or other trusted family members? Seriously, why are you telling me now? Why me? What can *I do about it? Because I can't do anything more than just listen."* NM just stared kinda blankly at me. Or at least in my physical direction. It was almost as if NM was legit out of her mind. It was as if whatever made NM "her"... just wasn't "there." Seriously, this is still pretty much the only way that I can accurately describe NMs words & behavior back then. This was around 1992 if I still remember correctly. But yep. The one & only time that I still - 30 plus years later - still vividly remember that NM attempted to use me as her personal "therapist." Oddly enough, literally not once since has NM even remotely mentioned anything about the alleged molestation. And still absolutely zero mention - or clue - as to the alleged yet unnamed/unidentified "uncle." Besides, now, anyone involved, sadly, is long past any arrest, prosecution or other legal repercussions. Because anyone involved, as alleged by NM, would be long since deceased. Even the youngest of the few direct relatives remaining alive in NMs family are well into middle age & beyond. Even most of the younger few remaining direct family members are easily into their 50s to 70s & a couple beyond. But no discernible real life trace of this alleged yet unknown "uncle." And no other real life details that NM &or any other family members could take to law enforcement as credible evidence of a crime against NM as a young child. Idk. I have no realistic way of knowing if/when/where/how or anything. NM unceremoniously as well as completely unprompted dropped this tidbit of information in my lap. When I was 20ish years old. On a then extremely rare afternoon or night off work. 34ish years later. And I still remember everything as vividly as it happened just a few days ago or something. After a literal lifetime of NMs near constant verbal & emotional sucker punching, I am the absolute last person that NM should ever think to trauma dump on. But then narcs aren't exactly known for thinking neither critically nor objectively. I wasn't. And absolutely never WILL BE that thing's personal therapist. Unfuckingbelievable that she even thought to do that 😮💨 I'm truly so sorry. ((gentle virtual hugs)) from a fellow narcissistic abuse survivor 🌌
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u/Capital-Squirrel3522 3d ago
Yep exactly the same experience. Since early childhood to adulthood she would trauma dump on me and my siblings. She would rant and rave for hours and throw god awful temper tantrums about whatever she was mad about. She figured pretty early that I was overly sympathetic and wanted to listen and fix her goddamn problems so my early years training meant I was her therapist and marriage counsellor from about age 12 to 30 something. Thankfully I somehow realised for myself that this was abuse when I had my own children. I see her for what she is now.
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u/tightsandlace 3d ago
This but when she badgers me and I shut down I’m throwing an adult temper tantrum, even though she knows I have autism and I just don’t want to deal with her after just waking up from her checking my labs because I got sick repeatedly at a job she thinks I should stay at forever.
I was this woman’s shoulder to cry on and encouragement from my narc dad during their divorce, when I was a kid and even now but me wanting to do anything new with my life. No
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u/Cyclekiller1 3d ago
Mine didn't do it with day to day things, but she did tend to get drunk and tell me about her childhood sexual abuse, and cry about it/relive it during the conversation. I was only about 13 at the time. After the worst example of this, I spoke to her the very next morning and explained that I was too young to be able to cope with that information, and she needed to speak to a therapist - she pretended not to remamber saying it, despite it happening only 8 hours before. Those stories haunted me ever since. I'm not minimizing what she went through, but a 13 year old kid is not your sounding board.
Dad would always disappear to bed. He knew what she was like but hey, at least she wasn't pestering him. He travelled a lot.
She also had a real problem controlling her temper, and I tended to be her punching bag about whatever random shit was making her angry that day. Just a very unstable person.
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u/Baby-Giraffe286 3d ago
Yes, and she told me all sorts of things I never should have heard at all, much less as a young kid.
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u/Small-Elevator2261 3d ago
Mine did. It was extremely irritating...especially when mom refused to take my advice.
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u/New-Emu-1314 2d ago
So this is basically my mom:
"Ugh I hate my job so much I want to die and then I have to look after you idiots after work" She works 4 hours 3 days a week btw
"What do you mean you feel tired after being in school for only 8 and a half hours and studying just to get below 90?!! If youre so tired then you make your own meals for the next week" (she means it) Then she continues to insult me in every way possible.. And after that she starts yapping about how my dad and his side of the family can be a bitch to her sometimes Like no I don't care.
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u/lawtkj 1d ago
Thank you for posting this. Reading your post and all these comments has been a huge lightbulb moment for me. For years, I just thought this was 'how things were,' but I never had a name for it.
The line '"I don't need a therapist, I have my daughter"' hit me so hard because it's something I heard, too. I'm just learning the term for it is 'emotional parentification,' and it explains so much about why I often feel so drained and responsible for everyone's feelings. It's painful to realize, but it's so validating to know I'm not alone in this.
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