[Question] Regarding CPS

[u/_abusethrowaway_16]

My and my girlfriend are discussing calling CPS on her abusive and narcissistic mother. Can someone with experience explain the process, and help with some questions? Before we make the call, we'd just like to know what we're getting into. The specific questions we had were the following, but please feel free to add any additional info:

• What information would we need to have on hand?

• Is the reporting process anonymous?

• What protection is available for the children during the process?

• How quickly can we expect things to be accomplished?

• What evidence will they require?

[u/c-smash]

I work with the field, so I'll give you as much information as I can, but keep in mind that this is only for my state - please look up what the rules and regulations are in your state. I know that my state's public website answers all of your questions, so your state's website might do the same thing.

• Have all the information you can. Names, addresses, birthdays - anything personal is always useful and will be asked first. Then just have information about incidents and time lines. You don't have to have exact dates, though they are helpful, but even just saying something happened two weeks ago or a month ago is useful.
• In my state, the reporter's information is kept confidential by state law, meaning a case worker cannot legally tell the family who reported. You can remain anonymous, but you cannot follow up with a case after the initial report if you do so, also due to confidentiality reasons. Again, look up your state's specific rules and regulations.
• This is HIGHLY dependent on the situation. If needed, a child can be placed with someone else immediately, but that is up to the discretion of the case worker and the situation. It will also depend on your state's laws regarding child abuse.
• Again, this will depend on your state. In my state, a case is initiated within 24-72 hours and the investigation is generally completed within 30 days. From there, the case is either closed or the family starts receiving services from a different division.
• This, I don't know. I know that they take pictures, collect statements, conduct forensic interviews, if necessary - it is highly dependent upon the nature of the report. For example, collecting evidence about physical abuse is much easier than collecting evidence about emotional abuse. The case worker will walk you through that and can answer those questions.

I hope that is of some use - if you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend.

[u/_abusethrowaway_16 → u/c-smash]

The main reason we’ve even waited as long as we have is that she’s scared. She says that if her mom knows she told someone outside her family how they are treated she would be beaten to a pulp. I’ve actually watched her scream at my girlfriend then when she notices I’m on facetime or something she becomes super nice. We’re just worried that the 72 hour investigation will come and go without anything being able to happen as the majority of the abuse is emotional and verbal with physical happening, but less often. Then once the investigation is done she’ll be beaten or something.

At this point my girlfriend is perfectly content to wait until she can move out, but there’s been more and more abuse against her little sister. She does her best to protect her, but there’s only so much you can do.

[u/c-smash → u/_abusethrowaway_16]

It is perfectly natural and normal to be scared. I've been in her position - I kept my head down and said nothing until I was able to move out and go to college. Saying anything would have made it worse. Family members talked to my parents and then my parents isolated us from those family members. CPS was involved with my family on numerous occasions, and it didn't get better.

I'm not saying this to make her feel worse, but just to show that I know that feeling. I know what it's like to want and need help and there seems to be none. Are there any family members that can help her? Anyone she can talk to? I would recommend the school counselor, but they are mandated reporters and she might not want CPS involvement yet. A trusted family member might be a better option.

I want to assure the both of you that it is good that you are thinking of these things. Calling CPS is rarely an easy decision because of these very reasons. And, like you said, what if there is nothing CPS can do? Whichever path she chooses will be difficult; I wish I had an easy answer.

Investigations take much longer than 72 hours, though, so there would be plenty of time for her to get her story out. Until that time, I want to give her the Youth Hotline (1-877-968-8454). You can also Google youth hotlines and see if there are any in your area, too. The Youth Hotline is free and she can call it any time and they can talk with her about what is occurring. If you check out their website, they also have resources listed by state. They should also be able to give her advice regarding what to do and what resources are available to her.

[u/_abusethrowaway_16 → u/c-smash]

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Unfortunately their family is far away from amy family. Grandparents live in completely different countries for example. The school councilor also seems to be under the mom’s thumb as there’s been a few times the councilor has been spoken to and it gets repeated back to mom.

However, her father is getting fed up with mom. I’m under the impression that separation talks are under way, though they’re trying to hide it. It’s obvious to anyone though. He’s just as emotionally abused as the kids, though, so while he’ll occasionally make stands he usually tries to help in the background. I’m really not sure if he could such things secret from her if it came down to it.

If we wanted to possibly call later when we feel there was a better chance of something happening or visible signs of abuse, what would you recommend we do until then to make it easier for CPS to do what is needed.

Again, thank you for all your help and encouragement.

Edit: Do you know if there’s anything like that hotline, but with an online chat? Her mom tracks her phone but not internet.

[u/c-smash → u/_abusethrowaway_16]

Sorry for the delayed response - I wanted to wait until I got to work and I could check our resource list. There are tons of online youth chats - if you Google "youth crisis chat online," several results pop up. I even saw some for different states, so your state might have one, too. That would be her best option. If your state does not have a youth chat, any of the national ones will work.

Until you feel ready to make the call, document everything - and I do mean everything. Mom called her a name? Write it down with the date and write out how it made her feel. Is she having trouble concentrating in school or on tasks because of how it makes her feel? Having trouble sleeping? Constantly stressed? Document all of that. Those details are what's important, at least here in my state. It can't hurt to have that info anywhere else, either.

That's unfortunate that there are no family members close by, but it sounds like the father could be a source of support. I hear you on the thought that he might not be able to keep things a secret.

I also want to commend you on your willingness to help and support her. Having someone support you makes a world of difference in these situations - just knowing that someone else knows and agrees that the treatment is terrible is comforting. Doesn't make the situation any less awful, but having someone support you helps you get through it.

If you guys do decide to call CPS, feel free to ask me any further questions. I wish you both all the best and I hope she is able to find peace soon.

[u/_abusethrowaway_16 → u/c-smash]

It's no problem! And sorry for the delayed response myself; it's been a stressful few days.

I'll certainly look up those resources you listed. Hopefully we can find something to help.

What about audio or video recordings? The state she lives in has conflicting rulings on whether they are single or all party consent states, but I thought there may be exceptions for CPS or child abuse. I'll certainly tell her to write down everything and take pictures of any evidence on her body, but I thought audio recordings might be more tangible evidence for CPS.

Thanks again for the kind words and encouragement. We both have our difficulties with our parents and it's truly amazing how much just having someone to listen can help.

I do have one more question. I plan on posting this to /r/RBNLegalAdvice, but I thought you might be able to point me in the right direction without a separate post. She has a documented diagnosis of dyslexia and dyscalculia, but the diagnoeses were done in Mexico. For some bizarre reason her school refuses to accept these and requires English documentation. My family has experience with dyslexia and the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, but I can't find the specific part of the bill that explains that schools are required to test children for free if there's a possibility of a learning disorder. I know it's there, and even other websites list that as a part of the bill, but for some reason I can't find the info on the official idea.ed.gov website. Any info you could provide would be helpful.

Would you mind if I PM you later if we have more questions, rather than continuing the discussion in the comments? It might be easier and less public, which I think I'd prefer.

[u/c-smash → u/_abusethrowaway_16]

You can absolutely PM me later! I'll start looking up the answers to your questions, too, and see what I can figure out.

[u/_abusethrowaway_16 → u/c-smash]

Thank you so much!