r/recovery • u/Verditure0 • 6d ago
Struggling with a shame statement
Hey guys.
I just want some input. I am back in early recovery from substance abuse. During my relapse, I ruined a really good, 4/5 year long relationship. I was talking with her today, and she said the sole reason that we can never work out is because I’m an addict.
Now, I know recovery is possible and that people do in fact live long, happy, fulfilling lives in recovery. However, I did not want to argue with her about it - I just wanted to end the conversation and work on moving on from it.
However, the more I think about it the worse I feel. I feel like I’m a broken human being that is unworthy of love or a good partner. And logically I know that isn’t true but it’s how I feel.
Does anyone identify with this, and if so, how did you cope with it? I don’t ever want to use again but this scenario did put the thought in my head that “if I’m going to be blamed I might as well do it”.
Any experience, strength and hope out there?
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u/Ok_Cherry8167 6d ago
I am going to tell you this as someone who just got out of a relationship with someone in active addiction. You and him are so worthy of love. Am I upset with him...yes. It all really hurts as I trusted him with all of my heart and I feel betrayed. But, I understand that he is capable of so much more and so much healing for himself. I initially separated myself because I knew that a relationship was distracting him from what he needs to really be doing. The rest is up to him. Ive been processing everything and while it hurts, I also hold so much compassion for him because he's a beautiful soul just like me and you and he's lost his way. I hope he heals and I'm not going to ever hold this against him or give him shit if he is actively trying to do better. I maintain no contact while he's figuring it all out. If he wants to talk about it, we can do so in an adult way without making one or the other feel like dogshit. We are all humans trying to get through this life and we all cope differently and we are all on different paths and learning. Not one of us is perfect. But you are worthy of love and you just remember that your ex is hurt and this is how she handles it. You only have control over yourself. You are important, you matter. I promise you that. And dont you ever ever give up on yourself, brother. ☮️🩷
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u/KateCleve29 6d ago
This is a wonderful post!! I hope OP can feel the sincerity and will come to believe he IS worthy of love and kindness.
OP: I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand your need to reach out, as I understand her need to distance herself.
Please know you are NOT broken, any more than someone else with a chronic illness is broken. Diabetes is a chronic illness that can be managed; so is substance-use disorder. I get they aren’t exactly the same, but I also know there are more similarities than you might imagine.
NOW is a time for you to understand what is happening with YOUR disorder and how best to address it.
Among things we know from research:
—Our neurobiology (how our brains work) is different from those who do not have the disorder. —There often are environmental and genetic issues leading to higher likelihood of substance-use disorder. In my fam, alcohol-use disorder (plus depression & anxiety) goes back at LEAST to the 1860s on my mother’s side, in Hartford, CT. I have a copy of the short item from February 1871 newspaper about my great-great-great…grandfather dying after passing out in a snow bank. He’s called a “drunkard” in the headline. —Medication-assisted treatment has a significantly higher rate of recovery than not using MAT. (No one thinks twice about a nicotine patch to improve the odds of quitting smoking but they disapprove of MAT, as tho it were “cheating.” It’s not.) —People making ANY major lifestyle change are more likely to succeed if they have support. That can come from therapy groups, XA, SMART (a behavior-based program), Dharma Recovery (based on Buddhism), non-using friends and family (if helpful; if not, set them aside for now). —People like us often have co-occurring mental health issues, especially depression & anxiety. I started out w/AA for the 1st few years in recovery, then moved to therapy, where I was diagnosed w/depression & anxiety. Appropriate meds have made a big difference in maintaining long-term recovery.
TL;DR: There is a LOT of science to support the fact that we have a DISORDER, not a failure of morality or faith. It can be treated and managed, often through medication, therapy & appropriate psych meds. Support helps and YOU ARE WORTH IT. I promise!
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u/Ok_Environment2254 6d ago
Here’s the thing, addict you wore your face while probably doing some really not OK things to her. And that was her experience of addict you. Who looks almost exactly like newly sober you. That negative experience is more than she is ever willing to risk having again. And that’s ok. What matters is what you are doing today and then the next one. Addict you got you through still alive until you could reach sober you. It’s enough and it’s valuable. But you aren’t trapped in that past version of you anymore.
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u/Sasquatch619 6d ago
When I got clean, I stayed alone for almost 5 years. I needed to grow. I needed to mature. I needed to have my well-being come from within. There were women in the rooms of recovery who showed interest in me, but I side stepped it. It is so much better to be stable within oneself before entering into a relationship with another human being.
There will be times when it will be completely necessary for you to walk alone. It is necessary because, you are going to a place that only you can find.
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u/One80sKid 6d ago
Some relationships might break to the point where someone can only see the bad in you, and that doesn't mean that you're still doing those bad things, or that there isn't any good.
After 4 years of continuous sobriety, and making the amends that I could, there's some people who I won't ever seem to regain their trust. It stings, but in the years I've been sober, I've built relationships with people that never experienced the drunk me, and when I tell them about my past or recovery, they are often surprised that I was 'that type of person' at all.
The people who mentored me and gave me the best advice in my recovery advised that romantic partnerships that had broken were the hardest to repair of all relationships, and focusing on yourself and non-romantic relationships for early recovery is more worth your effort at this time.
Hang in there, you wouldn't be here stressing if you were a bad person.
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u/for1114 6d ago
It's easy to think that acquiring a good partner is a 50/50 odds thing. In reality, it's much, much smaller. Even if you don't manage to meet up with someone good, many other factors can get in the way.
For example, some people are nightlife people and some people are morning people. It's one small example, but it's a major component of compatibility. You're just not going to see much of eachother with that combination or one of you will be crazy frustrated trying to adapt.
And of course, if you want a good relationship, you've got to take care of today's business. Your future partner will want to be your partner because your house is in order. Whatever flavor or color that is.
As far as shame and guilt, it can be a product of getting older. It gets haunting. Ghosts of memories like that. They are mostly unavoidable and stack up with time. Good memories balance it of course, but the ghosts are always there and learning to live with them is a grace of aging.
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u/Jebus-Xmas 6d ago
Definitely you can live a life beyond your wildest dreams, but it won’t be your old life. I had to change, and so the people around me changed. Many chose not to love an addict. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing. Many addicts need to be in a relationship with someone else in recovery, others don’t. All of these choices are reasonable, and they are usually not what I think I want and not what I think I need. My sponsees often ask me this question. My answer is simple, being in a relationship with another person is one of the most difficult things you can choose, whether you’re in recovery or not. I just focus on being a better person. If I can do that I won’t make it harder on myself, and that only works if I don’t use.
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u/desertdeb 6d ago
You’re in early recovery. Who you are today will not be who you are in 6 months, a year or two years. New/repairing relationships is not recommended at this point because you really don’t know who you are. You will always be an addict, in that you can’t do alcohol/drugs like other people. But your addictive past will be behind you, and if you work thru the steps, you are going to become a very different person. You are worth saving; worth doing the work to become the you you can be. To be honest, after you “become,” you may not even be attracted to this person anymore.
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u/cookieguggleman 5d ago
Relationships are extremely hard for everybody, but addicts are extremely sensitive, so when they end it's very hard for us. There's a reason they suggest not dating in the first year of recovery because we're super vulnerable and raw. You are worthy and you will find a fabulous partner once you're mentally and physically healthy. I think people in recovery make excellent partners because they learn such valuable communication skills and are super in touch with their feelings. Focus on yourself, getting better, figuring out who you are and what you want with your life. Everything else will fall into place.
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u/veganvampirebat 6d ago
There’s a reason why most people recommend not talking to your ex.
I have found it beneficial to focus on the people who love me unconditionally, the people who want to reconnect, and my new relationships in recovery. If those people are pissed at me at least it’s at sober me choosing to do the stuff and not whatever blackout me is doingz