Honestly more of a question than a statement

[u/DredgenInvader]

Hey everyone, I’m a 22M and ever since the age of 16 I have had an issue with alcohol, never understood if it was an addiction, or just simple abuse of it. I suffer/ed from major depressive disorder and severe anxiety. Luckily ive overcomed the worst parts of it, but still have depression and anxiety, just not as bad.

When I would get waves, episodes of my depression, I would drink to make me feel better, and when I felt like it wasn’t working, I’d drink more until it landed me with light alcohol poisoning. And, the more I drank the worse the waves got at times, and that would trigger the response to drink more. But I never felt like I had a tolerance or I needed to have it to feel normal, which is my understanding of addiction.

I drank for all the wrong reasons at my worst, so even when I want to have a fun drink, kick back and relax. It’s like it reawakens every ounce of pain I went through and I have a new wave of depression that only lasts while I’m intoxicated. Happened most recently a couple days ago and I haven’t been feeling myself because of it, I drank for a birthday celebration, wanting to have fun and I ruined the moment because I never found a effective way to cope.

Typing this tonight I honestly want help, I don’t want pure sobriety because i believe I can reach a point where I can do just that, have a couple drinks, hell, get drunk, and not bring everyone down. I’m a collage student, I want to have that collage student experience where you can have fun, have a drink without the weight of the world sinking in me. My depression and anxiety are hurdles I have given all my energy to overcoming, and understanding I have a problem with alcohol has been rough.

Understanding that messy context, I guess what I’m trying to ask is, is that possible for someone like me..? To have a drink, have a good time and feel genuinely weightless in the world for once? Or am I better off never touching a drink again. If so.. am I an addict, or do I just have a problem with abusing alcohol. Because when I don’t have waves, I’m sober, I’m good, I never have urges to drink, until I have a wave come in, but I’ve been good at resisting it.

Thank for you for reading, and any help that gets sent my way. I appreciate it all.

[u/forebill]

Alcohol is a depressant.  Would you fight a fire with gasoline?

If you've crossed the line there is no formula that will make it work for you again.  Its a problem man has had since he first smashed grapes.

But, if you dont want sobriety as you say, there is no point in spending any more time on it.  Sobriety is for those that want it. Good luck!

[u/mikedrums1205]

First I appreciate the honesty of your post and I can relate so much it's like you wrote about me specifically. I have also suffered from severe anxiety and depression for a very long time. I am going to tell you the honest truth from what I read in your post and being over a year without alcohol myself at this point. In my opinion you should not touch alcohol again. If you are an alcoholic it means you have lost the ability to control your drinking and it will only lead to ruin. The horrible thing about it too is that it often takes a while to really mess your life up, but it does happen. Alcohol addiction is a slow painful experience. I could control my drinking for a while and even get drunk on the weekends but rarely any other time. Eventually it progressed to drinking all day every day, landed me in the hospital 3 times, detox, and nearly destroyed my relationship with my father. We make it a hard time for others as well when we drink too much. As for other stuff I would honestly stay away from those as well, even weed. I tried using marijuana as a substitute for a bit and I ended up drinking again. That being said I'm a little over 10 months sober because I consider my date when I stopped weed even though alcohol was my drug of choice. Sobriety is often described as not always easy, but worth it. Since being sober I have improved a ton with my mental and physical health and become more useful of a person than I ever have been. I have had many times when I had the desire to drink in the beginning, but I did what I had to in order to stay sober. Call people, go to an AA meeting, walks, etc. The desire to drink has gotten drastically less over time and I'm developing better methods of coping skills for my anxiety. This is just my experience and I wanted to share it to put it in perspective. Sorry for it being so long, but I hope it helps. I'm always free if you need someone to talk to

[u/DooWop4Ever]

A happy person doesn't seek refuge in the poor substitutes that drugs and alcohol offer. Happiness would be flowing full-blast, 24/7, if it weren't for our "ability" to store stress (unexpressed feelings and unresolved conflict). Stress management is the key to happiness.

A skilled therapist can see through our defenses and ask the right questions until we realize how we may be mismanaging the stressors of daily living. If we can identify and process (eliminate) our stored stress, happiness will resume its flow. I wish you the best.

84M. 52 years clean, sober and tobacco-free (but who's counting). r/SMARTRecovery certified.

[u/Gray6236]

This is so spooky. I too, struggle with severe depression and anxiety. I was also wondering this exact thing at your age. I’m 32 now, 3 years sober.

You’re grown, you don’t need a stranger on the internet lecturing you. All I can do is share my experience.

I fought tooth and nail for almost a decade, with exactly this mindset, this “goal”. My problem is that I’d get really good at “moderation”. I’d allow myself some wiggle room. An extra beer turned into 2 turned into 3 turned into I can do shots now because I haven’t had a bad night in three weeks. It always ended the same. I’d wake up confused as hell, sick, gassy, and sore, various random things covered in piss or vomit, with an angry essay or two in my texts about what a piece of shit I was, how me and that person were no longer friends, how I need therapy, and how my now husband needs to leave me. I would get sober for a couple weeks, then try again.

Ten years. Ten years of getting on the same one-way elevator, climbing back up the stairs, and jumping right back on. I decided in 2022 that, no, for me, there is no moderation, no “choice”. My only choice, if I wanted to be whole, if I wanted to be the person my husband knew I could be, was sober or not sober.

I don’t know if you can do moderation. All I know is you deserve to be whole, to be a magnet for opportunity, love, and forward momentum. If you can keep all those things and have a drink every now and then, that’s wonderful, and I hope you keep it all. If you can’t, then when you’re ready, millions of other people stand behind you in making a clean cut. But it’s your life, and your choice at the end of the day. The support isn’t going anywhere, for anyone who seeks it out. I hope you find a couple extra spoons to do things that make you whole today or tomorrow. Keep being curious about yourself. The answer is in there, you just gotta own it ✌️