r/stopsmoking • u/kamelsalah1 • 2d ago
My husband doesn't know I still smoke
I quit for a year, and he was so proud of me. Then my mom got sick, and I bought a pack "just for the drive home from the hospital." That was three months ago. Now I'm hiding it, brushing my teeth constantly, and lying to the person I love most. The guilt is crushing me. Has anyone else been here? How did you come clean and start again?
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u/vaultie66 2d ago
My husband and I quit at the same time, I went cold turkey but he’d still borrow or buy smokes when he’d have a stressful day. I never judged but could always tell, smoke gets into your hair, clothes, skin, non-smokers really can tell most of the time unless they’re smell impaired. Just tell him, he probably knows already.
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u/debsue420 2d ago
My mother did the same thing for about a year. But Dad found out when she had lung cancer like my grandmother died from. After Mom died my Dad said he always knew she was smoking but if he confronted her she would probably smoke more. They were married 58 years. Try hard to quit. I know it's very hard to do. I'm 70 yrs old woman & I keep trying to quit. Damn my mother & grandmother both died from lung cancer. You can do it.
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u/Glum_Reason308 2d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. I quit smoking because I don’t want to get lung cancer and I want to be able to breathe better. Today makes 2 1/2 months since I quit. I still want to smoke so bad but I’m getting through it. You can quit if you really put your mind to it. ❤️ Best of luck to you
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u/Straight_Map_2163 2d ago
Just tell him, he is your husband. Guess if he breaks up you know enough.
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u/Marco27021986 1941 days 2d ago
He knows you smoke. It is impossible not know. Unless you never kiss him and sleep together anymore
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u/MyNameIsSkittles 3936 days 2d ago
Honesty is the best policy. Imagine if you caught your husband lying to you and how you would feel
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u/fishboy3339 152 days 2d ago
You just tell them.
I’ve been and still kinda am a secret smoker. He probably knows just FYI. Just talk about it. Tell him you’ve been smoking and that you want to quit again.
All the guilt is just in your head.
When I told here she was a bit disappointed but understood. She told me to let her know if there was any way she could help.
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u/Comfortable-Bad1032 2d ago
You’re better off being honest because as hard as you may try, ain’t no way he doesn’t already know. To smokers cigarette smoke seems like something that we can hide but to non smokers it’s repulsive and it lingers.
Don’t create any more distance between you and your husband by maintaining this lie. I’m sure he’ll understand too and you won’t have this guilt. You know people, especially your partner, can pick up on guilt and other feelings we try to hide and he might even misconstrue that guilt he’s feeling from you. Why even play this game?
Stopping smoking is an incredible thing to do because of how hard it is. No loving person would not be able to understand what you were going through and how easy it is to fall down the slippery slope of “ just one pack” to full on smoking again.
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u/slindner1985 2d ago
If he isn't smoking that should make it easier to stop after you tell him. What if he is still smoking and you both are hiding it that would be bad. Best not to live a lie ajd come clean
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u/smurfk 2d ago
I doubt that he doesn't know. It's really powerful smell for a non-smoker. Since I quit, I'm feeling if someone is smoking in the hallway, or if someone smells like a smoker. If you only smoke in the morning, and meet with him in the evening, I can see it, but if you smoke like 1h before meeting him, he knows.
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u/FunSquirrell2-4 2d ago
My Dad had quit and picked it up again. I was 16 when he told me, "If you're old enough to smoke, you're old enough to buy you're own." When I caught him sneaking my smokes, I said the same thing back to him.
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u/Salt-Restaurant-7229 2d ago
He knows and won’t say anything because he loves you. Just relax and ditch it when you’re ready.
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u/Fragrant-Might-7290 2d ago
What I’ve learned is people who actually love me still love me when I’ve made what feels to me like an unforgivable mistake. Part of what made smoking sooooo hard to quit for me is that I was hiding it from literally everyone when I was smoking so I was afraid to talk about it or vent about it when it got hard or I relapsed because I was still scared of them finding out I ever smoked in the first place. Talking to your husband when you crave a cigarette might wind up being the support you need to help kick it for good!
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u/jefusan 684 days 2d ago
I've been there. They usually know.
There is a shame to it. Which is probably a good incentive to quit. I would say 80% of the years I smoked were spent beating myself up for smoking. Wouldn't it be nice to eventually let go of feeling like that?
Now instead of having some physical enjoyment with lots of guilt, I just occasionally miss it but can miss it knowing how proud I am that I quit. Stop focusing on how hard it is to quit and focus on how hard it is hating yourself for smoking.
You might not be there now, but I bet you will be. I rejoice for you in advance.
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u/jefusan 684 days 2d ago
That being said, no marriage is 100% honesty. It's a good policy, but impossible to achieve. So don't let the guilt crush you. (Just do something about it!)
Just know that smoking isn't exactly the little lie we sometimes tell ourselves it is. Not for the people who love you.
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u/geneadrift 2d ago
He probably knows and maybe hasn’t said anything because he knows that you’re stressed.
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u/Few_Yogurtcloset_541 2d ago
Your mom got sick. You were in a hospital with her. That’s a trigger that would challenge damn near anybody. Give yourself the grace and patience you deserve. ❤️
Your husband will understand, and he will still be proud of you.
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u/Consistent_Guava8592 2d ago
The more you let it, because of fear the more the insincerity is going to be a problem. Tell him and ask for his help .
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u/RingaLopi 399 days 2d ago
This won’t end well unless you take some action. Smoking one her two there will eventually bring you to old smoking levels. Those are the only two options you really have to: smoke like you used to or quit for good.
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u/Zeemilkman 2d ago
It’s your husband mate, just let him know. You’ll feel better about not having to sneak around.
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u/Overall-Shame-4189 2d ago
It happened to me too, I had a relapse. Then, when I truly decided I wanted to quit, I read “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking” by Allen Carr and temporarily replaced cigarettes with a nicotine-free vape, just until the strongest urges passed.
From my experience, don’t see a relapse as a weakness. See it as a tool to make you stronger. Next time you quit, it will be harder to relapse, because you already know what happens.
Also, don’t think of quitting as a huge, long-term challenge because that can feel overwhelming. You quit smoking one cigarette at a time. Just focus on each moment, and fight one small battle at a time.
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u/Suitable-Edge6136 2d ago
Of course he knows already. He hasn’t said anything because he loves you
No offense- but hiding is little pathetic. I have been there myself. I don’t judge. You suffer and thats ok. You need a hug and connection. He will understand.
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u/NJsober1 2d ago
I thought I was hiding it for years. Come to find out, everyone already knew. My guess is he knows. The stench of cigarettes is nearly impossible to mask. Just tell him, he loves you even if you fail at something.