r/technology • u/Choobeen • 9h ago

Society Research shows the 'compliment sandwich' is no longer effective - University of Western Ontario

https://phys.org/news/2025-08-compliment-sandwich-longer-effective.html
1.1k Upvotes

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292

u/Berova 9h ago

How about treating people like adults and maybe with some openness and honesty as well as a measure of consideration and respect for a change? Just come from a constructive place. Empty platitudes ring pretty hollow.

184

u/GregTheMad 4h ago

Being treated as an adult requires that you can handle feedback like an adult, which a lot of people over 18 can not.

If I had an euro for every time a person I've met immediately took negative feedback personally I could eat out way more.

7

u/TheLifelessOne 4h ago

I feel like if you're too delicate to take feedback, you shouldn't be working.

Like, I understand that we need to work to live and that every adult in your life has failed to prepare you, but at some point you need to understand that you're an adult and you'll be treated like an adult.

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u/lordaloa 2h ago

Tbf the line between constructive feedback and being a dick thinking your own opinion is gospel is very thin. That is why the way one words his critique and feedback is the most important aspect of this exchange.

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u/TheLifelessOne 2h ago

I don't disagree.

9

u/pm_dad_jokes69 2h ago

As an older millennial, I hate being all “kids these days!”, but holy moly some of the younger gen is super sensitive. A while back I was on a work trip to Vegas (ugh) and everyone was going out to a hosted party that night. I stayed back in my room to finish work that I was told was urgent and needed to be in my first thing in the morning for publication. Ok, fine, I can take one for the team and work and not go out w everyone. But what happens after I bust my butt all night? My project gets sat on for like 3 days before they do anything with it, proving that I didn’t have to skip the fun night out. I got annoyed and said in an annoyed tone, “if I’m asked to stay late for an urgent project, I expect that project to be taken care of immediately when I hand it in”, this being said to a co-worker who was responsible for it once I handed it off (and happens to be about 10 years my junior). The next day, I went to their office to talk about how we can better work together, and I apologized for getting upset. Their response was “yeah, that was pretty harsh!” This is a long way of me thinking “holy crap, you’re soft”. Me being angry and expressing why I’m angry without screaming, profanity, or threats is “pretty harsh”? Really? Toughen up, buttercup

3

u/EconomicRegret 47m ago

LMAO

Grew up in a super blunt and open culture. So when I moved to a super polite country, basically Canadians100 , I didn't notice their subtle criticism, invitations, ask for help, nor polite, non-genuine smiles for a long time. I thought everyone was so sweet and friendly. I even took as a win their sandwiched criticism layered with tons of fake appeasing smiles.

God! People must have thought I was a mentally deficient douchebag!

2

u/Wizzle-Stick 29m ago

the funny part about this is the fact that they dont address the irresponsible behavior. they are so focused on you making them feel small and trying to say you did wrong that they completely gloss over the feeling that they didnt take you serious. ive had this conversation far too many times in my career, so i have learned to turn it back onto them. "but what about me" makes HR shrink, especially when you are in the right.

2

u/ak_sys 1h ago

Sounds like you would be a horrible boss.

These are tools to get the most out of your subordinates, and just saying "well they should be able to handle criticism better" does not get you better results (even if it may be true).

1

u/EconomicRegret 1h ago

This!

Also, it doesn't necessarily mean you're an "adult" just because you've been alive for over 2 decades, nor that you and/or your caregivers failed. Many things (but not all) that can negatively affect your brain and personality are out of your control (e.g. psychological trauma, head injury, genes, and other health issues; badly managed company; etc.)

That's why people should talk with care to each other and adapt their criticism within reason to the person they're interacting with. If it doesn't work, better fire the employee than unleash your frustration and harsh criticism on them.

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u/braiam 40m ago

Wow, there are many people that think that people can't take feedback. The problem is that feedback often sucks. It criticizes something that doesn't matter or shouldn't matter. The receiving part is like "why the heck is this important?" and when asked it's often met with the "I just don't like it".

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u/GregTheMad 12m ago

Both can be true.

-25

u/Specialist_Ad9073 4h ago

Your wife charges you?

Most women are happy to let a dude do it for free.

No wonder you’re upset.

2

u/Waterfish3333 1h ago

I thought it was funny and gave you an upvote. I think the sub you’re on might be an issue when trying to make an oral sex joke unfortunately.

-1

u/Hackwork89 2h ago

People still think "hurr durr wife sandwich make" is funny? Wow.

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u/stierney49 2h ago

I think they were implying that the person’s wife charges them to “eat out” wink wink

1

u/Hackwork89 2h ago

Ah, hilarious.

1

u/Specialist_Ad9073 2h ago

What does sex have to do with the drivel you just spouted?

Or do people not know “eating out” is a euphemism for oral sex?

Y’all are weird.

1

u/your-favorite-simp 1h ago

Quite literally has nothing to do with "making a sandwich" The joke is about "eating out"

Youre trying so hard to see sexism in places it doesnt exist that youve become a caricature of yourself.

13

u/Tao_of_Ludd 3h ago

This is an important part of it - if in providing feedback you are not doing it in the mindset of helping the other person, you will probably do a terrible job.

That said, these feedback structures (there are more than just the “sandwich”) are there to help you formulate the feedback in a way that helps the receiver take it on board, because if they cannot accept it, your effort to provide it is wasted and the likelihood of them improving is reduced.

I typically precede the “sandwich” (or equivalent) with asking the person to run through what they thought worked/didn’t work. That gives me some basis for understanding what they need to hear.

As it turns out, in our company culture, people are usually pretty clear eyed about that and willing to communicate it. That means I can spend my time ensuring they are not too tough on themselves, clarifying the improvement areas and helping them plan what they will try next time. It ends up as a pretty positive conversation.

But every now and then I get a person who is entirely unaware of things that went poorly and that is a rough conversation. Example was a project leader who was so “inspired by the fact that I, as the project sponsor, got so hands on in the project” and I had to help him understand that that was because the project was going off the rails… in the end, that was partly on me for not being clearer with him earlier that the project was in such a dire state, so something for me to think about, too

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u/seramasumi 4h ago

You'd be surprised how many adults really hate being treat like adults. Not Disagreeing with you but I manage a good amount of staff and often I'm told performance reviews are too cold and discouraging, so I gotta make some sandwiches to keep morale up.

Idk how this study was conducted but like many things that aren't generally useful in broad applications, somethings have a time and a place for best use. This principles time and place is usually tied to individuals.

1

u/True_Window_9389 21m ago

Cold and discouraging could be real problems though. It’s not a binary option of being cold or doing a compliment sandwich. The article notes that “candor” and honesty is a good way to deliver feedback. I’ve also seen that being specific and not talking in generalizations is a good approach. Saying things like “you always do this” or “never do that,” is bad. But something like “I noticed that the last file you turned in had a bunch of errors, what’s going on?” or “these few deadlines have slipped over the last month, tell me what happened” is closer to constructive feedback and having an adult conversation. And there is still room to note positive feedback, it doesn’t all have to be negative, you just don’t need to deliver negative feedback in some silly scheme of sandwiching it.

0

u/braiam 39m ago

That feedback is worthless. Read the article dude. It's literally 5 steps.

13

u/KyleJayyy 4h ago

That's what I was taught when I was becoming a manager. Just be direct and tell people how to improve without being a jerk. Forcing compliments with complaints teaches that you only compliment when complaining, and that sucks.

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u/RotundCloud07 3h ago

Mmmm yeah this is how I’d feel I think. But also just general irritation at the “walking on eggshells” aspect of correcting something I’m doing wrong. I’m not 5. I won’t throw a tantrum, especially if you’re giving advice on or corrections on things I wasn’t aware were problems.

2

u/CotyledonTomen 44m ago

tell people how to improve without being a jerk

If thats what youre doing as a mamage, good. If youre just say that they have to improve though, like many managers, then that would be easily and rightfully be taken negatively.

As someone that reviews work, i have to include what some people did right with the editorial criticism, because despite not getting edits on 75% of their work, only noting what they did wrong and being quiet on successes makes them feel they failed.

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u/thatmattschultz 5h ago

Exactly, be honest with people and don’t be an asshole, it’s not complicated.

2

u/SceneRoyal4846 2h ago

No I don’t think it’s that. By including something you like in a critique it can help the person focus more specifically about what to improve.

3

u/FlametopFred 6h ago

yeah that is the better way all around. Decent. Direct. Two way collaborative conversations.

Anything else is toxic and damaging to everyone and the entire process.

0

u/spiritual_warrior420 43m ago

Most people are snowflakes and can't handle any form of criticism whether it's constructive or not

-2

u/GamingWithBilly 5h ago

I like your comment but hate it's on Reddit