I (30F) just moved back to my hometown area after completely dropping off the radar the second I graduated high school. Bad home life, hugely depressed, etc. I built a nice enough life for myself on my own, but life happens and I decided that being around the good parts of my family back home was worth it.

I started getting nostalgic about the past and reached out to one of my childhood friends on Facebook to reconnect. We had known each other since kindergarten and I had some form of crush on him throughout most of grade school. We even briefly lived together while our families went through some hard times. I was too shy and depressed to ever make a real move, and I always looked back and wished we had at least went to one school dance together or something.

After messaging a while, we met up and had a great day walking around a nearby city and having a nice dinner. I started telling a story about how the only guy who asked me out the entire time I was in school was a creep in 8th grade, and my friend interrupted me to say “That’s not true. I asked you to senior prom.”

I INSTANTLY stopped in my tracks and was just incredulous. I asked him multiple times if he was sure and he was very sure. He said I told him that I just wanted to be friends and was very clear about that. I have no reason to doubt him, and my memory is pretty shoddy from that whole era of my life due to my mental health at the time, and it tracks based off some other personal details I won’t get into. I was going to try to talk about it more, but he seemed eager to move the topic along and I was so mortified that I didn’t try and push it.

I was literally a half second from trying to find a way to bring up how I always wished I had gone to prom with him instead of going with a platonic female friend! And how secretly jealous I was that he went with another friend of mine! I’ve never felt like kicking my high school self’s ass harder than I do right now for fumbling the 200 chances life gave me to live my anime fanfic dreams with this guy :(

TL;DR: Reconnected with my childhood crush I was too shy to ever ask out, and turns out I somehow forgot that I turned him down for senior prom even though I always looked back and wished we had gone together instead of me taking a platonic female friend.

ETA: This has made a lot of people very angry at me in my DMs. I hope no one thinks I’m being flippant about any of this, I’m truly deeply upset I may have really hurt him back then and again by forgetting. I wish I had been a better person. I’m leaving out a lot of details for obvious privacy and brevity reasons, but I was 17 and being badly abused at home, so when I say my memory was “shoddy” I really do mean I have huge memory blackouts of hugely significant times of my life. I don’t even remember graduating even though I know it meant a lot to me, as I had to do weeks of after school makeup credits just to be able to walk with everyone else. So I promise I didn’t just forget because it was a forgettable event :(

So earlier today I was cleaning the bathroom. I have a tall laundry basket that I keep in there for dirty clothes ect. It's the kind that has small holes going up the sides. I usually keep a thick black plastic bag in there to keep the smell of the dirty clothes in. Well as i was cleaning i noticed the laundry basket had a little yellowing to it at the bottom. When I bent down I realized that my two dogs have been sneak peeing on the laundry basket. So I take the bag out and ofc, there it is, semi-dried nasty pee pee in the bottom of the laundry basket. In my head I'm thinking this needs to be sanitized immediately. So here's where i fucked up. I put the laundry basket into the tub and grabbed the first sanitizing thing i see. Concentrated bleach. And I pour. As soon as I pour the bleach onto the pee I knew I messed up bad because it instantly started bubbling. It created toxic chlorine ammonia gas. I turned the tub faucet on full blast into the mix, knocked the basket over in the tub so it could drain, and ran out of the bathroom to grab a rag to wrap around my face. I wasn't fast enough though because my eyes and nose were on fire. Once I got back into the bathroom most of the mix had gone down the drain and I took the basket outside. After a few minutes breathing real air I went back in and opened up all the doors and put all the fans on high. My eyes were still stinging pretty bad, my nose felt burnt, and my face felt tight. I sat down to try to play some Holdfast (videogame) thinking I didn't get it that bad but after a few minutes of trying to shoot the cannon through my tears I decided I might need to go to hospital. So I make it to the ER and they take one look at me and send me straight to triage. Here's where it gets better. The triage nurse looks at my eyes and says we need to get you to the eyewash station for 15 minutes to wash your eyes out because they have mild chemical burn there's one just around the corner in the bathroom. Let me tell you guys that the nurse was just as surprised as me to say that the eye wash station was no longer in that bathroom. So she goes to find an eyewash station while I sit there with my eyes just crying and let me tell you there was no eye wash station on the ER floor. So this other nice nurse says there's one up in ICU for sure across from that nurses station. So a whole other nice nurse takes me up a floor to ICU where we go to that bathroom where there is no eyewash station. We find another bathroom and another and no eyewash stations anywhere. So finally I say, hey I've worked in a lot of kitchens in restaurants, there's always an eyewash station next to the dish-pit. So we go all the way down to the hospital cafeteria where I stand against the wall and wait for the nurse to see if there's an eye wash station in the kitchen. I waited for a while too. When she came back she was holding two bottles in her hand. Portable eyewash kit. The kitchen only had two of those and no others and they needed them back but yes I could use them. The kitchen did not have an eye wash station either. ( Come to find out later on, the hospital had just gotten remodeled and no one anywhere in the hospital thought to have an eyewash station re-installed anywhere in any bathroom on the whole premises.) So Nice nurse takes me back to ER area with bottles and we go to a bathroom where I stand over the sink for 15 minutes squishing these bottles into my eyes making small talk with nice nurse who has to stand there and time me. Finally I get done with that and they sit me in a room until a different nurse comes to look at my eyes, listen to my lungs, and basically make sure I don't have chemical burns any where else. Nose is a bit crispy right inside but since i didn't breath in I was ok. She leaves and I wait for a little longer for the doctor to come in he prescribes 500 units in each eye with a Morgans lens. So I sat there and let nurse put these crazy lenses in my eyes after some numbing drops and they did a wash of my eyes. ( craziest feeling ever guys). I'm home now finally, my eyes hurt like hell and I've got ten days of eye drops prescribed every three hours. So in case you don't know. Don't clean urine with bleach. Especially old dried urine which is basically just pure ammonia.

I'm including a link of a picture my husband took with the lenses in my eyes. It really was the most uncomfortable weirdest of feelings.

https://files.catbox.moe/2r8fce.jpg

TL;DR

Today I fucked up by pouring concentrated bleach on concentrated ammonia from dog urine and almost burnt my eyes out.

This happened a few years ago, but I realized it might be fun to post in here, so just a heads up.

Not today, but still a very big IFU.

I (21F at the time) was a college student that had a leadership position in a club with my friends at my university. It was kind of a big organization and we got to use special conference rooms and office areas in our student union. My friends, also leadership, and I had to have weekly meetings at 7 am every Tuesday (it was unfortunately the only time everyone was available), but on the bright side the restaurant downstairs was always still serving breakfast by the time we wrapped up! They had some killer breakfast burritos, but the only options for hot sauce - or should i say OPTION were these watery, bland, salsa packets that i needed to use like 10 of on one burrito.

A few weeks into our team breakfasts, i had ENOUGH of mild burritos. I went to the grocery store that day and bought a 12 oz bottle of hot sauce to take with me to breakfast. I put it in the side pocket of my backpack (where you usually keep a water bottle) and brought it everywhere. It really came in handy! My friends thought it was silly and often asked to use it too.

Now this is where IFU. One day, after a late class that ended at around 5:45, I needed to change into my organizations uniform for a big big meeting we had (like 1000+ students at this thing). I had a test in my class so dipping early or skipping was not an option - i packed my uniform in a bag and shoved in my backpack beforehand so I could change in the bathroom of the student union. I hop into a stall of the women’s second floor bathroom by our offices and start changing as fast as possible. I’m already running behind and I need to look nice, so i pull on a skirt and my polo, switch my shoes, and pull my backpack over my shoulder.

The force of my over the shoulder bag swing then sends my hot sauce bottle flying with some serious velocity. Enough velocity, actually, that it darts directly into the bathroom stall door. Shatters into 1 billion pieces, and explodes into a flavorful yet hauntingly red puddle of glass and sauce on the floor of the women’s restroom.

Unfortunately i was not alone in this bathroom. It has like 10 stalls, 3 other girls are in there, they all shriek and ask if im okay. I frantically begin cleaning hot sauce with toilet paper scared for my LIFE to open this stall door and allow these women to see my in my skirt and polo scrambling over 12 oz of Cholula. In my panic, my shoe slips, i go knees first into the sauce, a shard of hot sauce glass becomes lodged in my leg. Deeply. Lodged.

I know this because i tried to pull it out, and then, mixed with the hot sauce, came a very large amount of blood pouring out of my knee. I panic.

I grab my bag, abandon the scene, watched by the other very confused women in the restroom. I limp, sauce and blood dripping on my DSW flats, praying our faculty advisor is still in her office. Everyone’s already at the meeting, the Student Union is empty, i hold onto hope. My prayers, they are answered, she is in her office.

It takes 4 bandages, tape, and gauze to stop the bleeding, and a call to custodial that I don’t think they’ve ever gotten before. 4000 “I’m so sorry”s later, i make it to the meeting 10 minutes late. I smell like a southwestern egg roll from chilis.

After that i just suffered through salsa packets again. I had to stop putting Cholula on things. When i smell it i am transported to the 3rd stall on the left of the second story bathroom. I switched to Valentina.

TLDR; I carried hot sauce in my bag in college, it exploded in a bathroom, i slipped in it, and injured myself in the process.

I’m not sure if this coincidence or something much greater at work.

When my parents met, my mom’s parents didn’t like my dad because they thought he was a “punk” and a failure. They didn’t want them to get married but they got married anyways.

My wife’s parents also didn’t like me because I flunked out of a college and went to trade school and i’m doing well now but back then my future was uncertain. We got married anyways.

Our son is now 24, and you guessed it, the girl he likes, his parents don’t like him. I wanted my son to be an engineer or get an office job because trades takes a toll on you, I have a few back and joint problems but my son wants to be a mechanic and eventually open his own shop. I believe in him and i’ll always be here to catch him. He also flunked out of college and currently living with us until he finishes trade school, can’t even get mad because I started trade school at 22. Like father Like son as they say.

Her parents want a guy who has “status” because she’s studying to be a pharmacist and he’s just start school again at 24.

Great for her but love is love.

He was really sad because he says they love each other so I told him, hey man if you two love each other and you know she’s the one for you, go get your girl, i straight up got legally married to my wife at 22 until we could afford a real wedding and her parents were livid. My parents ran away together.

So he does that, doesn’t tell anyone , not even me and surprise drops his wedding on a call and says dad I did what you said, I got married.

I wish he didn’t word it like that because now I’m in trouble

her parents and my wife are livid, they’re pressuring them to get the married annulled and wait till graduation

her parents straight up want them to never see each other again

but I don’t regret it one bit, maybe it’s a coincidence or just maybe there js something greater at work

TL;DR: told my son that if he loves his girl , he needs to go get her

TL;DR: by making sure my toddler eats while I’ve gone without food for days and now I’m exhausted and out of options.

I’ve not been eating so my toddler can eat with what little we have. She is my priority, but I haven’t eaten in 3 days. And I thought I could manage until Friday, but I’m completely drained and struggling to think straight.

We cant use food bank was refused refferal and told there is a limit on refferals in a timeframe and I can’t get another referral. I don’t have family or friends who can help. We have no means of transport to travel far as not in a city.

I even tried doing surveys online for some quick cash, but after hours I didn’t make enough to withdraw. At this point, I don’t know what else to do. I have just enough to keep my toddler fed for a couple more days, but nothing for myself and in a bad place.

If knows of any other resources or emergency help I could try to obtain in the UK, I’d really appreciate it.

Not today but many years ago. I’ve always been a bit clueless and think that most girls wouldn’t want to flirt with me and I’m sure over the years I have missed some good opportunities.

This one incident happened when I was a teenager. I was active in my churches youth group and I would drive other kids around and take them home etc. for a few months there was this girl with red hair that I thought was cute but didn’t think anything would happen, I hadn’t had any serious girlfriends yet. She would always hang out around me and would always try to get me to take her home and ride in my truck with me. I drove a manual transmission truck with a bench seat and somehow she always ended up sitting next to me so I’d have to reach between her legs to shift the truck. She’d let me rest her hand on her knee and just generally sat as close to me as she could.

One night she was the last person I had to drop off and we just generally chatted and at her house we got out of my truck and were just talking. She then said, this may sound weird but I have a favor to ask, can I kiss you? I want to practice kissing so I can be good at it.

I was like, sure that’s sounds fine. So she leans in and we kissed for a bit, it was really nice I very much enjoyed it. Then she backs up and I was like wow… so I said something like, you are really good at kissing and definitely don’t need to practice. Then I was like well it’s getting late and basically changed the subject and was like it’s getting late I hope you have a good day at school tomorrow, chatted for a few more seconds then left.

It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that I remembered that and told that to someone and she was like, you idiot she was totally into you and wanted more!!! That’s when it clicked, I was so clueless I missed a perfect opportunity! As I get close to 50 I wonder just how many women have flirted with me and tried to get with me and I’ve just been clueless.

TL;dr I am a clueless and was a clueless teenager who has missed opportunities with girls flirting with me and even had a girl ask me to kiss her for “practice” and I took her literally and kissed her and didn’t realize she wanted more.

I’m one of the younger guys on my team and I’m the only one on my team who isn’t married and doesn’t have kids.

So I was constantly getting asked to work unpaid late hours and work weekends. My managers would usually be apologetic and I didn’t want them to feel bad for asking me to do my job so I offhandedly mentioned that I don’t really have any friends so I don’t really have a life outside of work that they’re taking me away from.

Now I’m pretty much always on-call and I can’t do anything with my friends because I’m just working all the time or I’m expected to be able to hop online at a moment’s notice

Tl;dr I told my coworkers I don’t have a social life so they wouldn’t feel bad about me working overtime but now I basically always work overtime.

Today just wasn't my day, so my ability to think clearly and make logical decisions is not the best. Objectively, I know sleeptime for dogs is important and that I should not have disturbed it.

I could not sleep and by trying to get water, I accidentally woke my dog. He refused to get more sleep, so I just decided to check his commands.

It went well. We played a bit, he obeyed voiceless commands and all was well. I accidentally signed the "sit" command when I looked elsewhere and was caught offguard by him obeying.

This led to me gasping in excitement and leaning forward to praise and pet him, but he got excited and jumped up, knocking his skull straight into my teeth.

He is absolutely fine, but my gum is a bit swollen, as well as a headache caused by one of my teeth feeling as if it was thrusted back into my head. There's almost no blood, though.

TL;DR: I went in to praise my dog, but he jumped at the same time and knocked his head against my teeth. It hurts.

I’m a PM at an agency, a few months ago I was seriously close to quitting. I go home and still have client emails in my head. I’d forget small tasks that turned into big problems. And worse, I started resenting the job. So out of desperation, I test using AI like chatGPT and other tools to make work easier. It reads my todos, emails and tell me what to follow up

Fast forward, it worked. I stop forgetting things, and get more things done on time

I’m happy about the results, so I causally told my colleagues about this and he didn't like it. He said I’m making a bad decision and using AI will hurt me in the long term. Something about attachment and using our own brain

I get some points, but it’s not like I’m having an AI gf, it just I use it to stop work about work

I’m not trying to cut corners. I still do the work. Why does that make people uncomfortable?

TL;DR: My coworker dislikes me because I use AI

This morning I was out in my yard and did a little usual weekend cleanup. Mowed the lawn , ran the weedwacker ect.

Well as I looked directly above my front door I saw a fucking sapling growing out of my gutter. Apparently one of the local trees had deposited its seed in my gutter and it took root in the decomposing leaves and shit.

So last year I bought this attachment for my shop vac to suck all the crap out of the gutters with hooked end so I can do it from the ground.

My dumbass self decides screw the vacuum I’ll just tape that attachment to my little leaf blower and blow the shit out of my gutters. Then sweep up the driveway of anything that land there.

This worked GREAT. Big clouds of leaves , pebbles from my Ashphalt shingles and everything else flew into the air but it all mostly went out of the way.

Felt a few get into what little hair I have left but no big deal.

Finally I get most of the way around the house and had drained that leaf blower battery so I grab another one. (It uses my Milwaukee tool batteries )

While I’m grabbing a new battery I decided to take a break since it’s close to 100deg out side. I stare at my phone and it won’t unlock with faceID. Odd , so I unlock with my passcode and use the selfie cam to figure out I basically gave myself suburban blackface from the clouds of dirt sticking to my sweaty ass face.

Needless to say I finished up and then immediately hit the shower. My wife was …….. confused when I walked into the house.

TL:DR Used leaf blower to empty my gutters. All the debris stuck to my sweaty face.

So Instagram recently added this repost feature where you can share someone else’s post directly to your feed.

Last night, while I couldn’t sleep, I found myself randomly scrolling through Instagram and ended up on my ex’s profile. We broke up 5 years ago, she’s married now, and we haven’t spoken since.

I clicked on her wedding post just to read the comments, but Instagram’s UI messed me up — the comment button’s usual spot has been replaced with the repost button. Without realizing, I tapped it, and it instantly reposted her wedding picture to my feed. No confirmation, no warning.

I freaked out and hit “undo” right away, but now I’m worried she might have gotten a notification about it. Does anyone know if Instagram notifies the original poster when you repost (even if you immediately undo it)?

TL;DR: Tried to read comments on my ex’s wedding post, accidentally reposted it to my feed instead. Immediately undid it, now spiraling wondering if she got a notification.

When I got my wisdom teeth removed, my bottom left hole hurt for excruciatingly longer than expected- for a month it was insanely painful.

I was told that you could use cloves in the area to help ease the pain.... Well clearly all logic went with those wisdom teeth because my mind went to garlic cloves and when I tell you the pain was through the roof. It burned so bad, and the area felt WORSE after as opposed to better. I couldn't understand why this wasnt working. Awful awful awful.

About a year later I was making Pho and the recipe called for cloves... There was a picture of said cloves.... And I dawned on me....

tl;dr I used garlic cloves instead of regular cloves on my throbbing open mouth wound to "alleviate the pain"

P.S. went back to the dentist twice to report the pain before being suggested cloves, all they said was that that area must nust be taking longer to heal than other- eventually, they did a deeper type of x ray and discovered that shards of my wisdom tooth was left over in deep and my gums had healed over them... that's what was hurting

Edit: spelling

*"So this morning at 4 AM, I somehow managed to trap the skin of my penis in a zipper. At first, I thought I could free myself… but no. I tried soap, lotion, ice, everything, and nothing worked. After two painful hours, I gave up and went to the ER.

That’s when things got even worse: five doctors ended up around me, with my dad standing there, while they tried different methods. They used strong local anesthesia (which I felt in my abdomen), carefully cut part of the zipper, and finally freed me after another 2 hours.

The most humiliating part? Pain and stress shrank me down to like (), so I felt extra self-conscious with everyone watching.

In the end, I left the hospital safe, carrying a piece of the zipper as a weird souvenir of the most embarrassing day of my life."*

TL;DR: Got my penis stuck in a zipper, couldn’t free it, went to the ER, 5 doctors + my dad had to help, ended up with anesthesia, a cut zipper, and lifelong embarrassment.

Update : I am going to watch There's Something About Mary tonight

So me and my cousin been fighting a while. First it was over art, like he posted my art on reddit and then I posted his art back, kinda tit for tat dumb shit. Anyway we been not getting along and then outta no where he tells me his “business idea” … bro wants to take ppl’s dead family ashes and spin it into cotton candy and sell it on etsy for 200 bucks. 💀

Like wtf?? I thought he was joking but he swears hes serious. He even sent me a flyer he made. (it looks like some AI funeral carnival thing lmao).

So now I’m sitting here like… did I FU by even encouraging this dude? Or is it his FU for being insane?? Honestly probably both.

TLDR my cousin and I have been fighting and he wants to put people's ashes in cotton candy and sell it on Reddit for $200 and it's my fault because I put his art on Reddit. I think I started this whole thing and don't know if he's screwing with me or not. Screenshots and his flyer are in my AIO Reddit post

Ive debated telling this story for a while and I keep not doing it but I think Im passed the embarrassment that I can share.

I live in student accommodation currently, with 4 others in the same apartment. Apart from a shared kitchen, everyone has their own bedroom, living space, and bathroom with their own keys for privacy. Fast forward to where our story begins, my bathroom plumbing had completely stopped working, no idea why but it did, so I talked to reception who called out a plumber to try fix it all, however the said it would take a few days to do so I would just have to not use my own bathroom for a while. No problem, theres 4 other people here with bathrooms that I can use, and thats what I did for the first day and a half. However, on the second day, I ran into a problem. I came home from class in the evening with a strong urge, desperate urge to pee. I got in the door, dumped my class things in my room and knocked on one of my roommates doors. No answer. I went to the next one. No answer. And again. And again. No one was home. And all of their rooms were locked. I was already fully desperate to pee, so in a desperate effort I texted and asked if one of them could come home, which they agreed to, but would take 30 minutes. 30 minutes I couldnt wait for. I tried my best but within 10 minutes there was just no way I could wait any longer. And unfortunately I am a girl, so I couldnt just step outside and pee in a bush. Without thinking about anything but my desperate needs, I ran back into my room to look for a solution. With no better alternative in that exact moment, I pulled down my pants, sat on my trashcan and pissed. It was so humiliating even if no one else knew at that moment. As soon as I was done I took the trash bag outside and threw it away. And to make things worse, when my roommate returned I had to pretend like I still had to pee so they wouldnt question how I suddenly didnt have to pee anymore, so I had to pretend to be desperate and pretend to pee once she let me in her bathroom. To this day, I havent told any of them, and I think im gonna keep it that way so I dont get judged.

TLDR: my bathroom broke, while it was getting fixed i had to pee, no one was home, peed in a trashcan, had to pretend to pee to throw off suspicion

Earlier this week, I purchased a beautiful pint of organic cherry tomatoes for a recipe.  They were a lovely mix of yellows, mottled reds, and oranges - late summer's finest.  I used most of them for the recipe, where they wonderfully complemented the richer flavors, and had a few stragglers left in the container when all was said and done.

After that meal, I largely forgot about the leftover tomatoes, and they sat untouched for a few days on my kitchen counter (never refrigerate your tomatoes, kids).  I noticed them again today as I prepared my evening meal, and thought their juicy tart/sweetness would be an excellent accompaniment to my main course.  Keeping things simple, I rinsed off the tomatoes that were left and brought them to the dining room table, where I popped them in my mouth between bites of my meal and thoroughly enjoyed their bright acidity.  

Naturally, eating cherry tomatoes out of hand brought to mind the infamous scene from Return of the King, in which John Noble's Denethor bites down on a very ripe cherry tomato and the resulting burst of juice and seeds running through his smacking lips provides a particularly nauseating visual.  I came to the idle realization that I had the perfect opportunity to recreate this touchstone of popular culture; I was dining alone, in my own home, wearing the paint-spattered clothes I reserved for chores.  There would be no embarrassment, no convoluted cleanup, no risk of grossing anyone else out - a victimless crime.  Gleefully, I selected a larger, especially ripe tomato whose skin was just slightly less than firm, ensuring a true deluge when devoured in two bites.  

The moment had come.  Practically giggling at the nerdy role play I had injected into my solo meal, I brought the tomato to my lips and bit down, attempting to adopt Denethor's furtive chew.  The tomato performed admirably, dousing my lips and chin with juice, but with the flood came an acrid, fizzy wave of fermentation.  This tomato had managed to sail past ripeness into the beginning stages of rot, and I had chugged it like a man trying to blot out the guilt of sending his own son to die.  Gagging, I jumped up and raced to the sink, where I spat out the offending mouthful and unceremoniously dumped the remaining half down the drain.  Fortunately, the flavor of half-rotten tomato faded quickly and I was able to finish eating, but I felt appropriately lame for my attempt to recreate a scene that has turned the stomachs of millions during my meal.  The next time I eat cherry tomatoes, I will leave this cursed moment to the silver screen.

TL;DR: Tried to pull a Denethor and got a mouthful of sour tomato slop.  I give this scene a 0% on RottenTomatoes.com.   

I don’t even know where to start. Last night I got a bit drunk. Not “fight the cops” drunk, more like “desperately needs canned chili at 1am” drunk. I decided to walk to the gas station because I’m responsible. Left the car (my only smart decision of the night) Also left my glasses.

I cannot stress this enough: I am blind without them. Like “guess what animal that blur is” blind. Anyway, I make it to the station, load up on cursed groceries, and begin my march home. Except I immediately realize I have zero clue where I am. No lights. No signs. Every tree looks the same. My brain is completely buffering and, as previously stated, drunk.

I step off what I thought was a path and instead discover the river. The cold, flowing, pitch-black river. I fall in, instantly lose my phone, my wallet, and my entire gas station haul. I also got bit by something in that water. Don’t know what. Don’t want to know.

So after fighting the current with my entire body and swimming for my literal life, I finally find land. I do the only logical thing: start running. (I am a woman alone at 1 am in the middle of pitch black- thank you alcohol for the confidence) I crash through briars and brush like a raccoon on a mission. I come out the other side scratched to hell, soaked, bleeding, and still lost. Took me over an hour to stumble back home with 0 snack and nothing of any importance to my name- gone with the river.

Sidenote: I found the river I fell into this AM as I went to see if luck was on my side, and my phone and belongings were caught on a branch or something (they weren’t, they’re property of whatever lake that river leads to) and the river is completely brown and filled with sewage, so I’ll be monitoring my symptoms for the foreseeable future I am traumatized and never relying on buzzed confidence again.

TL;DR: Got drunk and decided to walk to the gas station for chili at 1am. Forgot my glasses (I’m basically blind), got lost on the way back, fell into a sewage-filled river, lost my phone, wallet, and snacks, got bit by something, ran through briars like a cryptid, and finally made it home soaked, bleeding, and snackless.

But last week a was sitting at the bus stop with the 5(she hit 6 last week) year old niece and we were sitting at the bus stop and a few school girls were there and I was sitting wanting to be as non-creepy as possible and my Niece piped up with a wee grin on her face and went... "ma Uncle David has really bad diarrhoea"(a didn’t have diarrhoea at all but the wee grin and the cheerful way she said it ruined ma life haha)

(This week a got the same bus and had great convos with them, ma 11 year old niece reckons am a paedo but the now 6 year old thinks am cool cause a talk shit to everyone haha)

Am very scared talking about how scared I am haha (I have to keep typing to get 750 characters for some weird reason - I love ma 2 nieces the youngest one is smart as fuck and teaches the 11 year old niece how to do stuff haha.

Am a still having to type here? Am watching Alien Earth and enjoying if(not as good as Alien and Aliens, but good enough!)

Can't believe a need to be this long its mental... am a Scottish idiot and think that its too long for even me(am an eejit obviously ahaha)

Think ave went over the 750 character limit (doubt it though haha)

TL;DR AM AN IDIOT haha

Edit: I guess I have to clarify because someone in the comments is essentially implying that I harassed my doctor by asking her to do the swab that day instead of waiting a few more days. She was not uncomfortable with doing the swab herself, she just wanted to see if another treatment would work first before I told her the other symptoms I was experiencing and then agreed the swabs were necessary. Regardless, I think it is ridiculous to assert that a primary care practitioner should be able to refuse doing a routine medical exam that requires immediate attention even if she WAS uncomfortable with it. Way to turn this funny post into something to be offended over. Thats literally their job. Moving on.

So basically, this is going to start off very tmi. Ive been having weird symptoms down there for like two weeks. My doctors and I initially thought it was a UTI because I have had recurrent ones for awhile. I was given antibiotics and finished them this past Tuesday, but I was still having some symptoms although not exactly the same as before.

Well, I saw my primary care doctor's nurse on Wednesday and she told me to wait until Monday to collect a urine sample and do a swab and use estrogen cream in the area until then as it could be irritation caused by possible atrophy since I am a trans man on testosterone. And we needed to wait since I had just been on antibiotics. If symptoms are still there by Monday, we would run the tests.

I used the estrogen cream on Wednesday night and noticed on Thursday night that I had redness and (again tmi) some discharge in the intimate area 👀 which isnt normally a sign of a UTI and it had been too long to be remnants of the cream plus wasnt the right consistency. So I requested I come back early for my swab. The only available doc was my primary care and not the nurse. However, my primary care has not done this type of thing very often in a long time since she isnt normally scheduled for urgent things that would require a swab - she just so happened to have a cancelation this morning. She wanted me to wait until Monday and have the nurse do it but I insisted this isnt normal irritation and would like the swab done today. (She did noT say she was uncomfortable with doing the swab and even went on to tell me about her extensive history with vaginal exams and even delivering babies in the middle east. Just in case anyone 👀 was worried that I essentially harassed my doctor by saying I thought it would be a better idea to do it now rather than later).

Turns out they needed a few swabs - one requiring a speculum.

Long story short, my doctor let go of the speculum.

My body then proceeded to eJECT the speculum at her which caused me to laugh uncontrollably while I literally had my legs splayed open in the stirrups and let me tell you I have never been so embarrassed in my LIFE. I heard that thing fall on the floor and to my relief, she said it was fine to do the remaining swabs without inserting another one.

TL;DR: My 🐱 spit a speculum at my doctor today because she let go of it while doing swabs.

Edit: she put me on diflucan for those who are wondering iykyk.

Today, I went to Trader Joe’s and did some normal shopping.

When I got to the checkout, I handed the cashier my reusable bag. He opened it, gave a quick glance inside, then suddenly did a double take and looked at me kind of weird. He didn’t say anything, so I just brushed it off.

Fast forward to me getting home and unpacking groceries. I get to the bottom of the bag and… there it was. My bright pink thong. And another blue pair.

That’s when it clicked why the cashier had looked at me like that.

The only explanation I can think of is that I keep my reusable bags near the laundry room. At some point, when I was carrying laundry around, my underwear must have fallen in.

So now I’m sitting here knowing a Trader Joe’s employee has seen my intimates, and I’m embarrassed, maybe he is too. Not sure I can go back to that location.

TL;DR: Trader Joe’s cashier found my underwear in my grocery bag, and I I’m embarrassed.

Not a today I fucked up, but more of a few months ago i fucked up. Throwaway account because my friends would figure out it was me on my main.

So for some context, my friend group is young. Wont specify ages but we are still in school, being an all boys school for that matter. I am the only openly gay person in my school and everybody knows this. I started becoming friends with my current group around a year ago. The main person in the group you need to know for the story is a friend I will call Rex. Me, Rex and another friend went on a ski trip early on in the school year, in which he confessed to me he was wondering if he was not straight or something of the sort. In the end, nothing major happened between me and him on that trip and the group had fun skiing for the week. After the encounter me and him had, I ended up growing feelings for him.

Over the next few months, nothing happened and my feelings lightly faded for Rex. I ended up with a guy who I will call Carlos. Carlos never talked to me, never messaged or anything. I felt unloved so I didn’t take that relationship all too seriously. Now, let me introduce Bree, a girl the same age as us and who I met a year before she met my friend group. She was dating a different one of my friends before all of this, and that is how she met Rex. She instantly got feeling for him and i opened up to her about how I felt the same for him and about what happened. Over time, Bree became close friends with all of my friends in the group and they were her new best friends and she mainly stopped interacting with me entirely. I wanted Rex and Bree to be happy together, so I was doing work for Bree to try and help them get together, as he didn’t have as strong feelings for her. In the end, they got together. Me and the group were all happy for them.

Now, not even a month later, there is another trip with the school, this time to France. Me, Rex and a few other friends went on the trip and we had the time of our life. On this trip, there was one time where me and Rex were alone together on the way to the hotel. We were walking together and joking around. For context, I jokingly flirt with all of my friends, they are all aware of this and joke about it as well. I was jokingly flirting with Rex the whole time, until he suddenly flung it upon me that he has feelings for me and wanted to try it out with me. I set a clear boundary and said that I wouldn’t go through with it for Bree’s sake, and he agreed. I confessed that I also had feelings for him and he told me we should try it out on the trip, but i said no. That evening, Rex, me and a few two other friends were in the room getting ready to sleep. The other two were in different beds, but Rex and I shared a bunk. I was on the top bunk with him and we were just on our phones when he pulls up a gay sex position chart and tells me to make my pick. I was so confused, I thought he was still joking so i just went eenie meanie minie moe and landed on head. I was joking around. He was not. He grabbed my hand and made me rub it for him, and I am not good at rejecting things so i kinda just went along with it. When one of our friends turned the lights off, he grabbed my head and told me to suck it, so i did.

After that, i went back down to my bed and lied there for half an hour just staring above me open eyed with guilt. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. After the others went to sleep we were talking about what happened and that it shouldn’t of happened and won’t happen again. In short, it happened again the next night. After it all, he confessed he didn’t regret what had happened in the slightest. I lied and said I agreed, but i had never felt worse in my whole life. I honestly considered ending things because of the guilt, but luckily I pulled through. I have confessed to a few friends, because they wanted me to get things off my chest, and that helped. Unfortunately I now have feelings for Rex again after this and haven’t been able to get them out of my head. Rex and Bree are still together, and i have told him that we should tell her what happened because she deserves to know, but he has rejected this and says he still wants to be with her. After everything happened, I called it off with Carlos because I was wrong for what i did, and I suggested Rex to do the same thing. He again said that he dosent want to end it with Bree, but he is also still trying to do things with me, all advances he has made i have rejected.

So there is my god awful tale and I hope this stays in the dark as I just can’t have this spread around. Also, with this post I am not looking for pity, but just advice. I am completely the asshole in the situation and if you want to tear me apart for what I did, be my guest.

TL;DR: TIFU by giving my friend head while both of us were in relationships which had led to me feeling more guilt than even before and has changed everything between me and him

Yesterday, I went to a local bar in my town since I don't have any friends here and would like to socialize, I began chatting with a girl at the bar who was sitting alone and at first I said nothing flirty and introduced myself and we started talking sports, hobbies, our family, life in general for an hour and a few drinks later, I started complimenting her style and makeup and her positive attitude and she laughed saying "thank you" so I thought she was interested and asked her for her number and she said "Please stop being creepy" and I immediately said "Oh, did I creep you out, I'm really sorry." She said "it's fine" but the vibe was off and I'm not blaming her so I excused myself out. Now, when I reflect back on the situation, I realize I made the mistake of being too forward and superficial yesterday and guarantee it won't happen again. I would hate being known as a creep because I'm not that kind of person. What do you guys think? TLDR: I creeped her out because I read her friendly talk as flirty.