One month of dating, I felt potential in it

[u/charleyleh033]

short version

We both mutually liked each other. I think I liked him more possibly by a little. I felt like I could be accepted for being trans and my anxiety disorder. My ex was unsure about the relationship due to grief about biological children (I do not want to carry children) and he has a lot of internalized homophobia he still has to work on. We both had different values about abortion which was the nail on the coffin. I just wanted it to work out, not many things are going well for me rn. But we'll hopefully be friends whenever we're ready. I just miss him and I'm not used to missing the people I've dated.

long version

I was dating a cis man for the second time. I felt more secure because he's been with mostly men in his life. Compared to being with someone in highschool who was in the closet about being Bi but always ambiguous when asked if he had a gf saying, "something like that". Which was nice but funny. But I constantly felt insecure about being seen as my gender in that relationship. He gendered me very well tho, same with the recent person I was with for a month.

The issues we had, we have very different experiences. The two main important ones was religion for him and me being trans for myself. Everything else that was different about is was fine and I enjoyed learning about his experiences and cultures and interests.

He's dealt with severe internalized homophobia for a long time until he was an adult. He also has grief about not being able to have biological children and wishing he had parts to do so. Me being trans led to that subconscious strength of grief about biological children coming to his mind. I am female, so it would be possible for us in the future. But do not want to carry children, it is very dangerous, I horrible mental health so it would make it worse, pregnancy is very traumatic for everyone, I would also have a lot of dysphoria personally. He knows that. So I guess me having the parts led to him thinking about that grief a lot. Like finally he's with a man and he could have children of his own possibly but the man doesn't want to have children that way. He places a lot more importance on straight relationships between men and women (I'm not specifically sure why but yeah society does that but also it could be because of religion which is usually not made for queer people being accepted in it). Mind you he rarely has attraction to cis women. So, the possibility of him marrying and making a family he wishes to is very unlikely. I think deep down he wants to be recognized by the church and have his potential family recognized by the church and not just the government.

Anyhow that kinda led to the downfall of our relationship. Our different views on abortion was the nail in the coffin.

I just want to be with someone that's mentally available. Is on the same level of queer journey, and sees me as a man or adjacent (I believe I am man adjacent but I just don't feel very much likely because I am agender but also pre T). I feel like a liar. But that's probably because of how often I get misgendered because I'm not 100 percent out all the time. I do dress very masc and I can pass 70% of the time if I don't talk.

I just also struggle with my attraction to men, it makes me feel like I'm a straight woman but I'm not. But it's the way people look at us in public or the shame I feel and the way people react to me dating men, they see it as feminine. I don't want my relationships to be seen as feminine or gendered at all honestly. I know that I like to let myself be feminine, androgenous, or masculine in my relationships as I please if I feel comfortable with them seeing me as my gender. With cis friends or peers, I feel less than and awkward, out of place, when I try my best to match their energy. I feel like I don't belong around them. There are some cis people I feel like they see me for me no questions asked which is nice and I feel not less than. But maybe that's just how deep down a lot of people aren't fully intact with how they feel about queer people or even trans people specifically. I guess this aspect of being trans always makes me struggle and feel less than and like I'm asking for too much.

I think I would ideally like to date a woman of any sex, next time. But I'm open to whoever is going to accept me as I am. I just feel like this is another layer to relationships I constantly struggle with but most of my friends won't understand and I don't really talk about it to people outside of my romantic relationships. I just feel like being trans is seen as baggage much like my anxiety disorder. Like I should be ashamed and feel like I need to compensate for being trans and my anxiety. It's hard and I feel like this is a niche issue cis people would very unlikely understand firsthand. I have many queer friends but they are mostly cis. I have one trans friend I'm close to which I'm very lucky to have. It just feels lonely being trans everyday honestly. There's a look in people's eyes that I feel like they're not fully understanding and being polite. Which is better than transphobia. I want to be understood and accepted. Which I am accepted by my friends they just don't understand very well. I often feel this less than feeling with cis people whether I'm close to them or not.

I'm open to advice about how to get closer to friends and community

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