Possibly a nonbinary guy

[u/noromobat]

I've recently begun to grapple with the idea that I could be more masc-leaning than I previously thought. But I'm also not sure if I'm just making up these feelings.

About a month ago I came out to my parents as nonbinary. I told them my chosen name and my mom has even begun to call me it. However, when she calls me by that name.....I don't really feel anything. I don't feel euphoric, it's just another name.

In addition, I'm closer than I've ever been to starting T. All that I need is for the pharmacy to fill my needles and syringes, and the only thing stopping that is that one of the types of needles is on backorder.

I've had.....fantasies, of being a guy named Drew. (Really basic I know but I'm an artist so it's a pun, also it's a masculinized and shortened version of my birth name that I don't even hate)

Also, I've realized that so many people/characters I get envy from are men. Specifically, men with long and/or shaggy hair, a well-built body type, and a bit of alternative flair. Like picture a GNC 80s guy.

Still, I don't feel confident about it. And I feel stuck. I want to experiment, but now I feel like I've boxed myself in to being a fully nonbinary person who's fine with whatever. What if I'm not fine with whatever?

But what if all these thoughts I'm having about being Drew with a side-shaved wolf cut and a scraggly beard are just temporary? They're pretty new. They haven't always been here.

When I was a young teen, I felt weirdly bitter about trans boys and men on the internet. I was jealous of them, becuase they had their own community where they belonged and they knew who they were.

Now I'm 21, I've been questioning my gender for close to 10 years, and I still don't feel like I have an answer. How do I know if it's not all just my identity dissociation issues rearing their head in an unfamiliar form?

Aughhhhhhhhhhhh.

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[u/StandardReindeer5741]

I feel pretty much the same actually. Atp I've kinda given up trying to find precise labels and just go with genderqueer and transmasc. For me, I know I'm a guy, but also like... I'm definitely not a binary trans guy. I'd love to kinda vibe in the area of "androgynous but masc leaning Tolkien elf or fae folk" tbh

[u/caramel_cloud_pie]

It’s all good. You don’t need a label or a distinct way to label things. This is what fluidity is like and gender and sexuality can change anytime. You don’t have to box yourself in or not allow yourself to experiment. I’ve been 2 years on T and have been masculinising myself to the point that I passed so hard as a guy. But it also severely limited my expression and experimentation. Since then I’ve just been doing whatever. My partner and friend all see me for who I am. There is no point in limiting yourself in any way. I hope testosterone will give you the clarity and the space to breathe and feel yourself change. Be kind to yourself, okay?

[u/SunReyys]

whoof, i feel this so hard. for reference, i'm turning 21 in a month and i started T at 18. i hear that uncertainty.

what i did when i was having (and still do have) those uncertainties, i made the decision to not make a decision. for me, that meant "what if i'm not actually trans?" was met with "who cares, i'm doing what feels best for me right now. if it's wrong later, then at least i knew the risks when going in."

since then, i've tried hard to settle into a binary male identity, and it just kinda didn't work. "i'm a man" has always felt uncomfortable, but "i'm a guy/dude" felt easier. it still was not perfect because i felt like it either missed the nuance i needed, or it felt like internal transphobia. i later learned that it wasn't internal transphobia, but rather just... a misalignment. i tried to acclimate to binary manliness, and it just felt hollow and boring.

and i hear you on the naming thing. my name wasn't Noah, and then it was. and i didn't feel much different about changing my name, but other people heard that it was more masculine and would preemptively gender me in a way i liked more than "she," so i roll with it.

is it perfect? absolutely not. it probably won't be unless i find some kind of person who is willing to listen to the weird nuances of my gender. but being guy-ish is easier than being girl-ish!