r/whowouldwin • u/AmITheDoorMan • Jul 17 '25
Battle A 6 foot tall man is attacked by a male silverback gorilla. The man can only defend himself with tools he could aquire from a local garden center. What item(s) would be the most effective at deterring or incapacitating(through any means) the gorilla?
Round 1: Normal gorilla, follows all normal gorilla logic. The man can't combine items in a way not intended by the manufacturer (weed wackers must use standard weed wacker attachments, as an example). The man has been informed 4 hours prior that he will be attacked by a gorilla in said garden center. He must go to the garden center and fight regardless.
Round 2: Bloodlusted gorilla, same scenario as in R1 otherwise.
Round 3: Normal gorilla, but man is shopping in GC when gorilla bursts in. The man must act more quickly and still cannot leave the area until the gorilla is made to no longer be a threat. Still must use items by themselves or in indented combinations by manufacturer.
Round 4: Bloodlusted gorilla, same situation as r3 otherwise.
Round 5: Similar to R1, but now the man can combine items in a way not intended.
Round 6: Similar to R5 but the gorilla is now bloodlusted and has a leather jacket because I think it would be cool.
Round 7: Man now has ample planning time, but is tracking down and challenging the gorilla in its natural habitat. The gorilla is a normal gorilla but the proximity of his troop will still play a factor.
Round 8: Same as R7 but the gorilla is bloodlusted.
Edit: grammar:)
Edit edit: I (saldly) think I need to add that guns are not an option. While your garden center might sell guns, I think it detracts from the enjoyment of the post altogether. Thank you for your understanding:)
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u/CanderousGordo82 Jul 17 '25
Non bloodlusted rounds = leaf blower. Cant hurt the gorilla but should easily scare it away.
Bloodlusted rounds = chainsaw.
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u/enorman81 Jul 17 '25
I once had to emergency field process a cow quickly. Let's just say, a chainsaw was quite ineffective, but very messy.
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u/londongastronaut Jul 17 '25
Story time. Seriously how do you open with that line and not tell the story behind it??
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
Cows don't have much hair. Do you think a highland cow (or other furry creature) might give the safety mechanisms on a chainsaw more trouble? I'd love your insight
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u/rotorain Jul 17 '25
It's not the safety mechanisms or fur, you can't really cut soft stuff with a chainsaw. The chain has guides that keep the teeth from digging too deep but those only work with relatively hard materials like wood, soft stuff presses into the chain and the teeth bite too deep to cut. It would basically just tear some chunks then get stuck in the flesh and stop the chain from being able to spin.
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u/Maleficent-Bill2812 Jul 17 '25
Sharp chain will cut through quite a bunch of tall grass etc before the chain jams. Likely enough to seriously wound even a very hairy animal.
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u/rotorain Jul 17 '25
That's because grass isn't solid like a body. Idk if you've ever seen videos of chainsaw injuries but it never fully severs parts, it just really messes up the surface. They don't really go through bone very well either.
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u/Maleficent-Bill2812 Jul 18 '25
Not good at it, but we are talking about causing significant damage here. Surface wounds are significant damage on a living being.
I've sawn a bunch of very weird materials (not bodies though, hairy or otherwise) and while things like cloth, rope and tarpaulin dont necessarily make for a nice cut, chainsaws are great at making an unholy mess of them anyway.
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u/rotorain Jul 18 '25
Silverback skin is way too thick, you'd mess up the surface real good right before it grabs you and crushes your skull with its jaws. Chainsaws need a significant amount of time with pressure to cut deeply, impossible when you're in arms reach of it.
I'm not saying a chainsaw wouldn't do damage, it's just not going to do what you want it to do. An axe or similar is probably the best bet, you might be able to hack deep enough to sever an important artery, vein, or connective joint tissue. Serious bleeding and/or disabling a limb and trying to run and dodge is a human's only shot at this, a chainsaw will hurt a lot but won't do enough real damage to disable or kill a gorilla.
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u/Nelvalhil Jul 17 '25
Probably not given that they make short work of hairyish trees such as coconut trees
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u/amishcatholic Jul 17 '25
Even better, a pole saw--chainsaw polearm
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u/superthrust123 Jul 17 '25
I thought about that, but there's a good chance the gorilla smacks the pole out of the way with very little blade contact.
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u/Calculonx Jul 20 '25
I think even a normal chainsaw it can just take one quick swipe and it would fly out of your hands with minimal damage to the gorilla
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
Modern chainsaws have a stop guard in place that makes it so the chainsaw stops more easily when fabric (or presumably, though I may be wrong) large wads of hair get stuck in it. My coworker and I discussed that this may mean the chainsaw would be too unreliable, though I do think it would be one of the strongest options.
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u/Mannered4 Jul 17 '25
Chainsaws do not have anything like this. They make chaps that have long strands that get pulled into and jam the chainsaw sprocket but against any normal fabrics the chainsaw has no issues. A gorilla's hair is not long enough or loose enough to stop a chainsaw
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
Thank you for this, my coworker and I will find this very useful in our research:)!
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u/Thomas_633_Mk2 Jul 17 '25
https://www.bunnings.com.au/ryobi-18v-one-8-pole-pruner-and-10-chainsaw-2-0ah-kit-r18x2b42_p0441131
Something like this but with a more powerful chainsaw instead of the 18W is probably a good bet. Bunnings has a garden section.
Tree pruner for range and chainsaw for backup
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u/Present_Abrocoma Jul 17 '25
I use chainsaws, guard and it's fur won't stop it I promise, it'll lightsaber that thang clean off chainsaws are scary and without proper attire, even with guards people can be maimed through thick jaunty clothing and depending on the saw it's usually terrible or extra extra terrible.
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u/Rathma86 Jul 17 '25
And most people's chainsaw blades that are just sitting in the shed have never been sharpened. So op is probably using blunt blades to cut through a cow. A brand new is usually VERY sharp
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u/Present_Abrocoma Jul 17 '25
I thought we were grabbing brand new tools from a shops garden center like op specified..
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
Would you say a chainsaw is the best option, or would a tiki torch (or other fiery object) be a better option?
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u/Present_Abrocoma Jul 17 '25
Chainsaw with a chance it takes me and the gorilla out at the same time because I'm death gripping the trigger and spinning like a top
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u/listenstowhales Jul 17 '25
More easily doesn’t mean easily, it just means the gorilla is going to bleed to death a whole lot slower
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
You're correct. I wish I knew a way to accurately estimate the amount of time the gorilla would have to end it. Because I don't, I have to say this is starting to look up for the human.
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u/Xyver Jul 17 '25
"bleed to death a lot more slowly" just means it has time to kill you as well before it actually dies.
I like the pitchfork idea, pretend you're hunting wild boar and brace against the ground on a charge
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u/Happy_Brilliant7827 Jul 17 '25
Valid point- A handheld auger might be better. If you can touch the point to them the spiral will pull the gorilla up around the point
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u/t0f0b0 Jul 17 '25
How is he going to fuel the chainsaw?
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u/-MtnsAreCalling- Jul 17 '25
Almost every hardware store stocks canned fuel for small engines.
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u/Icy_Chemist_1725 Jul 17 '25
Deterring? Saw dust and a torch. Toss it in the air and light it on fire. it will scare the shit out of the bear, hopefully. Engaging in actual combat is going to be a bad day. Making it think you're a fire bender is also just badass.
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u/WeBackInThisBih Jul 17 '25
Mf what bear?
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u/Bteatesthighlander1 Jul 17 '25
the bear that they caught to eat the gorilla to catch the cat to kill the snake to bite the rat to chew the spider
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u/hndjbsfrjesus Jul 17 '25
This may work for bears, but the situation is a male silverback gorilla. It's not specifically stated, but I imagine it is wearing white new balance shoes, calf length socks, and khaki shorts. It's a middle aged dad that has seen countless grill fires. The sudden burst of flame only makes it hungry. It produces a pair of tongs seemingly from thin air, clicks them twice, and demolishes you for getting too close to the grill.
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u/Icy_Chemist_1725 Jul 17 '25
I spent 10 minutes googling to see if this would work. What am I doing?
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u/perdovim Jul 17 '25
Pneumatic nailer, pump up the pressure to the max, override the safety. If you got one with a coil of nails, you've got 120 16d nails you can shoot at a distance. Individually the nails won't kill it, but anything non bloodlusted would think twice about continuing after being hit a couple times...
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Jul 17 '25
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u/Kiyohara Jul 17 '25
Yeah, Gorillas are only like CR 3 or so. I don't think they have more than 30 or 40 hps.
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u/robbzilla Jul 17 '25
They probably only do 1d4, to be honest.
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u/Wonderful_Discount59 Jul 17 '25
Regular nails probably only do 1d4 damage.
Nine-inch nails in a Super Nailgun are likely much more damaging.
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u/chainsawgeoff Jul 17 '25
Ever better are the powder actuated ramsets. Thing is basically a gun.
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u/Rendakor Jul 17 '25
"Man say if you wanna shoot nails, this here the Cadillac, man. Meant Lexus but he ain't know it."
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
Do you have to plug up the nailer beforehand or are there gas operated versions usually available? We don't have anything of that sort in our garden center, so I figured I'd ask
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u/perdovim Jul 17 '25
You need a compressor and a hose (if the store has the nailer, it'll have the hardware to run it). There are battery and gas powered ones as well, but I've not used so don't know their punching power (also have smaller clips of nails). Course could just line up several and drop the empty...
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
I think the gas-powered ones would work best if applicable
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u/Full-Blueberry315 Jul 17 '25
I agree those gas powered ones have some umph to them. Plus no hose and air compressor. Crazy watching those things slam 4 inch stud nails in like nothing.
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u/Dr4gonfly Jul 17 '25
The pole saw is probably one of the strongest contenders. They’re loud, give you reach and have a powered saw at the end of it. I can’t see any standard hardware item being more effective
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u/WeBackInThisBih Jul 17 '25
Easily the best answer. Long ass reach and you don’t even have to thrust it forward. Just keep it in between you and the gorilla and if he gets too close he gets a nasty fuckin wound.
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
After learning gorillas are typically not smart enough to try to grab things away from people, a quick enough person could try to keep distance between them, positioning the polearm between them and the gorilla. This seems like a strong option
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u/hotdogpartner Jul 17 '25
Power tools are not optimal here, chainsaws and weed whackers are intimidating, but highly innefective and clunky weapons.
The best choice is the closest equivalent to a polearm you can find - a spear is the most effective weapon in the hands of an untrained person. Every person on earth can be highly effective with a spear with absolutely no training.
The closest thing to a spear will be a billhook, shovel, or long pitchfork, and they are going to be far more effective than anything powered. They are light and very maneuverable, and you can effect the gorilla from a much greater distance.
Hammers and axes will also be relatively effective, but they are quite heavy and don't have the reach.
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u/thenerfviking Jul 17 '25
I think there’s some power tools that could work. Specifically a weed torch. A non blood lusted gorilla is going to be extremely scared by sudden fire.
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u/moosehq Jul 17 '25
The answer is always spear. The only weapon that has been relevant for basically the entirety of human history. Even today with bayonets - stick a knife on the end of a rifle and you’ve got a rudimentary spear.
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u/Salad_Donkey Jul 17 '25
I don't know man. I use weed eater 10 hours a day. A high end electric weed eater with with a brush clearing head, essentially a saw blade. Is gonna have all the practicality of a pole arm. And massive damage multiplier.
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u/ikerr95 Jul 17 '25
Something to consider: in rounds 3-6 the man will have to unbox any power tools he wants to use. Unboxing and setting up a weed wacker or chainsaw would prove to be very difficult in a situation like this. Furthermore, It's not clear in the other rounds if the man will have time to start the tools while in the arena with the gorilla. I've had trouble getting a weedwacker started before, and i've never had the added pressure of a bloodlusted gorilla trying to kill me.
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u/tapeitup Jul 17 '25 edited Jul 17 '25
My 40v Ryobi weeedeater has all the power of my gas weedeater, and it starts with the flick of a button
ETA: I should add that I still don’t think it would be an effective weapon though
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u/hansuluthegrey Jul 17 '25
I think a chainsaw is an excellent weapon in this case. All you have to do is when the gorillas goes to hit you make sure the chainsaw meet its fist. Suddenly the gorilla loses an arm
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u/makesterriblejokes Jul 17 '25
I think it's worth trying the electric polearm trimmer. If it doesn't work, you have your traditional backup weapons next to you before they can close the distance.
Also if we have prep time, we probably could make an explosive out of the fertilizer.
Also, I'd likely want to get a leaf blower and fill the tube with a bunch of dirt, ammonia, fertilizer, and any other type of irritating agent and shoot it at the ape. Bloodlusted or not, it's going to be stunned if its got dirt and other irritants in its eyes, which gives you the perfect opportunity to attack it.
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u/rzelln Jul 17 '25
My local garden center is in Georgia, where he could easily ask a fellow shopper, "Can I borrow your handgun please so I can shoot that gorilla?"
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
In all honesty, do you think I need to add to the post that you can't just use your second amendment rights?
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u/Noe_Walfred Jul 17 '25
Considerin that while in georgia I was able to buy a 12ga shotgun and birdshot at a garden center, yes.
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
Oh, wow. My garden center only sells garden products. All gun sales are handled by sporting goods, so this is a fresh perspective. Thank you!
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u/Noe_Walfred Jul 17 '25
Yeah they were marketed for pest control along with bangsticks intended for killing alligators
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
I also have added (sadly) a note that I think guns just detract from the creativity of the thought experiment, and therefore should be excluded from it.
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u/hndjbsfrjesus Jul 17 '25
You need a better equipped garden center! Why dig a hole when you can blast one with a shotgun? Fill the shells with seeds, and you can plant them in the first step.
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
I've been out americaned, and I will never be out americaned again. Fr though, how common are bang sticks? In my state, we don't even sell them so they weren't something I thought to account for.
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u/rsta223 Jul 17 '25
Depends on the store?
My local Ace Hardware or Home Depot doesn't have firearms, but on the other hand the Murdoch's right down the street from Ace (which is more of a ranch/farm oriented hardware and garden store - they even sell live chicks there) has a pretty decent supply of firearms and ammo.
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u/Downtown_Brother_338 Jul 17 '25
I have bought ammunition for my .30-06 at hardware stores. I’ve seen some cheaper rifles for sale at them too.
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u/DangerMacAwesome Jul 17 '25
People are sleeping on the nail gun.
Chainsaw is a great choice.
Axe and pitchfork, as others have said.
For the later rounds, weed wackers with saw blades might be better than a chainsaw because of the reach.
All this, plus a truck from the rental area and you're set for all but the final round.
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u/-MtnsAreCalling- Jul 17 '25
Most modern nail guns would be useless unless you can defeat the safety mechanism.
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u/LaconicGirth Jul 17 '25
You can pull back the safety with your fingers and shoot between them. Not super ideal but I’ve seen construction workers do it before
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u/Boat_Liberalism Jul 17 '25
1 zip tie is all it takes to defeat the safety. I'd be more worried about having to drop it and switch to a melee weapon if the gorilla decides to charge you.
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u/HillbillyWilly2025 Jul 17 '25
The man has been informed 4 hours prior that he will be attacked by a gorilla in said garden center. He must go to the garden center and fight regardless
This part made me laugh out loud
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u/wyar Jul 21 '25
Imagine some ultra tech alien power who’s just like “bro you gotta fight that gorilla bro. I’ll melt earth if you don’t, just do it”
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u/Scrimmybinguscat Jul 17 '25
With minimal planning time, sharpened shovel or pitchfork.
Otherwise:
Pesticide, insecticide, herbicide, rat poison... all that could be turned into a chemical spray to disorient and sicken.
Styrofoam insulation from packaging could be mixed with gasoline lawnmower fuel and benzene herbicide to make napalm.
Enough fertilizer could be used to make a bomb.
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u/arbitrageME Jul 17 '25
Copper tubes for irrigation
Ammonium nitrate from the fertilizer
Lamp fuel for tiki torches
Wicks for tiki torches
Plumb bob
Two garden hose racks
And I can probably win the civil war with this
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
For all rounds where you're allowed to combine in unintended ways, this is allowed and extremely encouraged. I love seeing people get creative with stuff here
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u/mojavecourier Jul 17 '25
A shovel is probably his best option, especially if it's something like this.
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u/FastReactionTime Jul 17 '25
I imagine a good strike would snap a gorilla's forearm, probably? The concentrated force would probably snap any animal in the 400lbs or under weight range that I can think of. The issue is the bloodlusted gorilla is very much out of character and instead of running off to heal, would proceed to bodyslam and start gnawing on the guy.
I could see it work if he climbed up something and started swinging down, breaking bones and splitting its skull.
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u/Electronic-Cable-772 Jul 17 '25
The tractor they scoop the mulch and rock with😂 all rounds.. put the forks on that mf and you got a motorized spear with more than enough power and reach
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u/PatientWho Jul 20 '25
Yep. Local home depot rents trucks, tractors and back hoes. Some even covered so you can armor up.
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Jul 17 '25
None of the items are intended for gorilla defense, so that's a hard line to understand define. You said no combining, but what about alterations? As long as something is used by independently, can you use more than one thing? Can shelving be snatched down or knocked over?
Some examples, is one allowed to use a lawnmower as a jousting mount while holding a gas powered pole saw?
If you took every battery power handheld saw, removed the safety guard, broke the trigger into the on position, and released them like a ravenous back of bloodthirsty roombas... would that be allowed since you are only altering the one item and not combining it with anything else?
Gorilla loses any round that it is not bloodlusted in. Things are very docile and sweet for the most part. They prefer to just vibe if possible.
R6 is a mutual victory as the man would challenge the gorilla to a dance fight and use his sweet moves to unlock the good ending as the two new friends ride off into the sunset.
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u/arbitrageME Jul 17 '25
Guns aren't allowed, huh?
How about copper tubing for irrigation, ammonium nitrate for fertilizer, lamp oil for tiki torches, and a plumb bob for building sheds.
I think if I get like 10 of those and put them on a garden hose reel, and then start rotating them, then the ATF will bust in and rescue me
If not, then I'll light the wicks made from tiki torches and the gorilla will not be my problem any more
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u/IsleptIdreamt Jul 17 '25
I work at a hardware store, so I have thought about this.
Hand to hand loses with just about anything you could hold without gasoline as an available product. Nerves come in to play even with those. Blacktop sealers are the way to go. Chain link fence wire and steel fabric all around for it crash through while running in tar.
I would suspend myself from the ceiling using roofing harnesses after loading a few pallets of block on reachable top racks using a lift and just drop them on the disoriented and sluggish sticky animal if it fought through those traps. I would have a gallon of acid with me to pour on it if I can get directly above the gorilla.
If I didn't have a lift, the backup plan would be to have a specific planned route to the parking where I'd have a dug out man-trap, foothold pit-trap with rebar spikes in it. Cover it with weed matt and mulch. Then, I would funnel it to the spot between a circle of fence panels or carts held in place with sandbags and hope for the best.
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u/AmITheDoorMan Jul 17 '25
What about for the rounds where you have no planning time?
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u/IsleptIdreamt Jul 17 '25
Laundry detergent to make the floor slick. Big hammer or axe. Probably not surviving anyway.
4 hours makes a huge difference. About 1 hour, I would say, gives 50/50 odds.
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u/Aromatic-Side6120 Jul 17 '25
Angle grinder with a diamond blade if you want to send a strong message to other gorillas in the vicinity.
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u/pingu_m Jul 17 '25
Weed wacker with saw attachment. Not the pruning saw attachment, the circular saw blade attachment that replaces the string. Got them in my local garden center.
They don’t stop when they hit aluminum fencing (experience), so I’m pretty sure they’re going through a gorilla.
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u/Elvarien2 Jul 17 '25
I think up till round 6 or guy has a solid chance but then the leather jacket comes into play and the gorilla becomes too stylish to beat
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u/ResidentWarning4383 Jul 17 '25
Man channels ancestral rage and lifts up a lawnmower so the blade chops the Gorilla. No matter what it hits, the Gorilla is losing something important.
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u/zapzangboombang Jul 17 '25
People are in the wrong aisles. Among the best weapons in the garden center:
gasoline, kerosene and other flammables
chemical weapons. pesticides, pool chemicals (including chlorine) will bling a gorilla
Chainsaw. There was a man with a chainsaw for a hand who defeated a whole army of undead.
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u/NegotiationLow2783 Jul 17 '25
Chainsaw, all rounds.
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u/merenofclanthot Jul 17 '25
Chainsaws, plural, ..strapped to a forklift. He said acquire, not buy!
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u/Noe_Walfred Jul 17 '25 edited Jul 17 '25
Round 1: Normal gorilla, follows all normal gorilla logic. The man can't combine items in a way not intended by the manufacturer (weed wackers must use standard weed wacker attachments, as an example). The man has been informed 4 hours prior that he will be attacked by a gorilla in said garden center. He must go to the garden center and fight regardless.
Round 2: Bloodlusted gorilla, same scenario as in R1 otherwise.
Assuming this is in the USA and guns are allowed and it takes place in the south or midwest, the man could buy a 12ga shotgun and some buckshot at their local gardening store.
If firearms are not allowed but still in USA and in the south he can buy a anti-pest/alligator bang stick and a 12ga blank to then stab the gorilla with an exploding shotgun shell.
If not in USA the man could grab a powder actuated cocrete fastener. Examples exist that feature 30 shot cartridge strips and 30 nail clips.
If not allowed then the guy could grab a weed burner to scare and burn the gorilla.
Round 3: Normal gorilla, but man is shopping in GC when gorilla bursts in. The man must act more quickly and still cannot leave the area until the gorilla is made to no longer be a threat. Still must use items by themselves or in indented combinations by manufacturer.
Round 4: Bloodlusted gorilla, same situation as r3 otherwise.
Man is fucked unless he gets a lucky stab with a pitchfork.
Round 5: Similar to R1, but now the man can combine items in a way not intended.
Round 6: Similar to R5 but the gorilla is now bloodlusted and has a leather jacket because I think it would be cool.
Round 7: Man now has ample planning time, but is tracking down and challenging the gorilla in its natural habitat. The gorilla is a normal gorilla but the proximity of his troop will still play a factor.
Round 8: Same as R7 but the gorilla is bloodlusted.
The man could build a slam-fire pipe shotgun, smg, a barbed or razor wire fort, or a serious flamethrower.
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u/Downtown_Brother_338 Jul 17 '25
Non bloodlusted a leaf blower, chainsaw, air compressor or other loud thing will scare it off.
Bloodlusted your best bet is an improvised polearm, while it can be grabbed or you could miss it’s the only weapon that keeps you out of striking distance; humanity has used spears to kill much larger animals since before we wrote things down, there’s a reason for that. It’s not a guaranteed win but it’s better than coming at it with a chainsaw or God forbid a blunt weapon.
If you’re in the right hardware store grab a .30-06 and put a hole in its chest to win any round.
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u/WeLiveInAnOceanOfGas Jul 17 '25
You can buy a weed torcher at some garden centres which is basically just a small flame thrower
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u/RAMBOLAMBO93 Jul 17 '25
Non-bloodlusted rounds?: focus on fear deterrents over weapons to avoid coming into melee range. Tiki torches or loud tools should be sufficient to scare it off.
Bloodlusted rounds?: A backpack mounted scrub burner would be a terrifying force to bring against a gorilla. Failing that, any heavy duty weed sprayer with the most caustic or acidic cocktail you can mix up would absolutely maim, or drive the gorilla away.
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u/SpiritualAudience731 Jul 17 '25
Load up a sprayer with drain cleaner, blind the gorilla, and dispatch with any hand tools, or douse it in any flammable liquid a torch it.
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u/3f2yfoo Jul 17 '25
This. Pump sprayer with miuratic acid in it. Longer range than any of the pole/chainsaw options.
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u/Happy_Brilliant7827 Jul 17 '25 edited Jul 17 '25
R5, A propane tank bomb is pretty effective.
Can you hook the propane tank as intended by the manufacturer, but do it wrong? (Oops I left this connection screwed on loose and leaky.. and the tank upside down.)
Can he mix chemicals? Ammonia and bleach could take out a gorilla. Hide on top of a shelf, the gas is heavy.
Can he leave food out with rat poison and antifreeze and hide to win the non-bloodlusted rounds?
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u/Visible_Composer_142 Jul 17 '25
I got the man in every instance. Just a spear or some type of sprayed chemical irritant may be enough.
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u/Longshot1969 Jul 17 '25
In desperation, you could rear up a rototiller. That will at least keep it at bay.
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u/bowhunterb119 Jul 17 '25
Wasp Spray. Propane torch. Maybe you could get it to eat rodenticide? If you could incapacitate it first it would be a lot easier to then attack with a big axe or whatever your choice of melee weapons is
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u/hansuluthegrey Jul 17 '25
Anything with a sharp edge or that can stab could kill it. People overestimate how hard it is to kill animals.
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u/Brave_Bluebird5042 Jul 17 '25
Maybe a chainsaw. Relying on the noise perhaps?
Thing is the Gorilla will not fear any of the Edgeworth stabbing tools, it'll just keep coming very fast.
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u/GammaGoose85 Jul 17 '25
He should just respect the Gorilla’s space and not make eye contact. Respecting others is the best weapon in your arsenal
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u/HatOfFlavour Jul 17 '25
Normal gorilla I'd say whatever makes the most noise and scare the foraging non-predator off with a threat display. Let's go with leafblower
'Bloodlusted' I assume means rabies or PCP. I'd go with their sturdiest shed and many sacks of fertiliser to reinforce the walls and negate my scent and I'd hide.
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u/Burner21b Jul 17 '25
Everyone saying chainsaws are missing out on the optimal weapon, the pole saw, it’s exactly the same except now there is 2-3 meters between me and the gorilla
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u/Becovamek Jul 17 '25
The normal gorilla rounds can be won simply by using two metal garbage can lids as simbles and clashing them enought to scare the gorilla away, I would also recommend using them to make your silhouette bigger.
The blood lusted one can be beat by a pitchfork, an alternative is an axe, wouldn't recommend any hammer, as gorillas are probably blunt impact resistant due to their standard method of fighting.
A chainsaw could also work but the pitchfork is king here.
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u/arbitrageME Jul 17 '25
I'm thinking:
Pressure washer ranged weapon
Weed Wacker melee
Pronged trowel side arm
If I could use items not in their intended method, 94% ammonium nitrate 6% lamp oil will delete the gorilla, me and the rest of the garden center
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u/Individualist13th Jul 17 '25
If we can't combine stuff in a way the manufacturer didn't intend, why bother?
You could probably just toss like lime, sulfur, or some kind of acid on it, but we could be making bombs and deadly gasses.
You're lame OP!
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u/Eternity_Warden Jul 17 '25
Chainsaw or pitchfork. Gives the guy shit a 50/50, depending on his own aggression. You can also get hedge trimmers that are essentially a chainsaw on a stick, though they're smaller so I'm not sure how powerful they are. Probably have no trouble with flesh though.
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u/Ducklinsenmayer Jul 17 '25
Something chemical. I'd have to look through the garden center, but there's some nasty crap available.
A big bucket of lye thrown in your face will convince most animals to get the heck away
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u/foursevensixx Jul 17 '25
Unless I'm making a fertilizer bomb which is against manufacturers instructions and there for not allowed I'm pretty sure the gorilla wins every fight
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u/Telephalsion Jul 17 '25
A 7" all steel ice chopper, pitchfork or sharp shovel. Sharp, long metal stick. A fex hand axes to throw. Maybe a good trowel or hand dibber as a last ditch solution.
If the place sells horticultural vinegar then a battery powered sprayer with a backpack tank might incapacitate the gorilla. 20-30% acetic acid to the eyes and open mouth is no joke.
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u/ocw6145 Jul 17 '25
Pointy stick in any form. Good ol pointy stick. Nothing beats that
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u/TacoBear207 Jul 17 '25
I think the tool of choice would be a forklift. I can't think of a garden center that was small enough that it did not have a forklift on site. It may not have been for sale, but it was in the garden center.
If we want to say that a forklift is not a tool but rather a piece of equipment or a vehicle, then I'd recommend a chainsaw, especially if he can get one with a 32-in bar. The noise is going to help deter the gorilla and a 32-in bar is going to help give him a bit of distance to make it more difficult for the gorilla to close and murder him. I think you would be hard pressed to find a 32-in bar that was not made of lighter weight materials than the old school steel, so it would probably be easier to handle even if he is not a professional.
The chainsaw is a bit hit or miss, so if there is not one available with a long bar then I would suggest a trimmer. That plastic string is not going to incapacitate a gorilla very easily, but it's usually not difficult to find a brush blade or other metal bladed attachments. Even if they aren't cutting blades and they're more designed to just impact things enough to break them, that's going to spin fast enough where it's going to be no touchy for any animal. Electric options are becoming more common than gas powered ones and they offer the advantage of ease of use and exceptional torque.
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u/SubstantialLunch5071 Jul 17 '25
Personally, im grabbing the highest psi pressure washer i can find and a lot of playground sand and abrasives. Gonna build me a mini waterjet. Get a feeder going that drops sand right in front of the jetstream of water. While im at it, let's throw some other other stuff into the stream of water. Maybe some nails, and/or some chemicals. Hook it up to the hose used for watering the plants, crank it up and start blasting. Waterjet will cut through just about anything, and that includes gorillas. Barring that, grab me all the aerosol cans with flammable stuff inside and all the lighters. Torch that gorilla. Hell, let's just run kerosene or gasoline through the pressure washer with a lighter or somethin' to ignite it on the end. Instant flame thrower. Or just drench the gorilla in kerosene and torch him. Then run. (For rounds 3 and 4) (Kerosene is used as fuel in tiki torches i think... so they should have it or something more flammable on hand. Could make a super powerful spud gun that shoots nails or somethin' I guess to hunt the gorilla in its natural habitat. I could probably even make it semi auto. Maybe even full auto If I did a good job. Maybe make a trap with garage door springs... although my local ace does sell pepperspray, that feels like cheating and may do more harm than good in this situation. Hack a barbecue into a flame thrower that runs on propane and strap a bottle to my back... sounds like a good way to die in a fiery explosion... maybe gasoline or kerosene in one of those weed sprayer tanks that's self pressurizing (has a little electric motor that pumps it up) and an ignition source would make a good flamethrower... If i had enough time and a bunch of zero turn lawn mowers and/or log splitters (or other equipment with hydraulics in it...) I could build an exosuit and beat the gorilla into submission. And I could mount my full (or semi) auto potato cannons (that shoot nails or whatever hurts most) and my flamethrower to the suit. (wait. i just turned into home depot iron monger...) Maybe even find a way to mount my waterjet to the exoskelton. Maybe throw propane canisters at the gorilla then shoot them with my nail cannon so they explode in his hands... maybe have a full auto cannon that shoots shotgun shells and another one that shoots nails to blow them up after the shotgun shells bury themselves into the gorillas chest... wait. Shotgun shells and other ammo also feel like cheating... so maybe not... how about the lithium battery cells found inside tool batteries and flashlights instead? I know those have been fired out of a shotgun before and it looked like it would hurt... pump action box mag potato cannon firing 18650s? Wonder if the hardware store has fireworks... wait nope that feels like cheating... wait. I can make a tazer!!! Wire all the 80 volt tool batteries in series to pump up the voltage to at least 400 volts or more just to be sure that the gorilla is gonna get the shock that ends him. Or at least send 220 volts (or 110) through the gorilla. Just need a extension cord and something to cut it with. And then make a puddle and set the wires in it, disable safeties and and turn on the breaker again... might have to hold the breaker closed until you knew for sure the gorilla is dead... dang who knew a hardware store had sooo many ways to kill a gorilla? And so, so many different ways to make a flame thrower? They offer so many different fuels! Butane, propane, engine oil, spray paint, carburetor cleaner, the list just goes on and on! If its a liquid flame thrower using kerosene or similar, that would work best at ending the gorilla. But the other types would probably keep him at bay.
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u/tapeitup Jul 17 '25
Battery powered nail gun(s), pitchforks, machetes. If nail guns aren’t allowed anymore, then pitchforks, machetes, spears (lop off the end of a spare shovel or broom handle with a machete, and boom! You got yourself a spear.
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u/Raganash123 Jul 17 '25
Pitchfork? Seems like the dude has a solid chance of winning.